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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am I just being a grumpy friend?

39 replies

grumpyfriend · 07/04/2014 19:17

I'm not sure if this is a big deal or not, would appreciate opinions.

Went to a big daytime event with a group of friends at the end of last week. Have been looking forward to it for a while, good excuse to get dressed up, have a few drinks and a girly gossip, you get the idea.

So, I meet up with friends on the day. I am done up to the nines in something from Karen Millen; 3 of the others have made no effort, 2 are wearing clothes you might wear to go shopping at Asda, another has no makeup on because she didn't have time to put any on. Last friend looks similarly attired to me (thankfully), however had a big puffa type coat on which obviously didn't 'go' with the rest of her outfit because she was cold . The others all have smarter clothes (there's no issue of money/not being able to buy anything - they do have dresses etc which they've worn when we've been out previously), but just didn't bother wearing them.

I felt uncomfortable being so dressed up with them, everyone else there was very much smarter and I felt we just looked a bit wrong.

Anyway, decided to get over myself and enjoy the day. One of the less smartly dressed friends gets completely hammered, to the extent we have to carry her out, and phone her DH to pick her up. She then gets hysterical, crying, being sick etc, because he has things to do and can't come and fetch her (he does) so we have to spend ages trying to calm her down.

Other friend asks to borrow £30 for drinks as there are no free cash machines at the venue. On the way home later, I suggest we go via cash machine. She said she can't, as she doesn't have any money in her account, but will pay me back when she next sees me (I'd not seen her prior to this since before Xmas, so I won't hold my breath).

Other friend earlier kept making what I can only call digs at me - I was trying to get puffa-coated. (Tiny, size 6) friend to part with it. Other friend says 'ah she feels the cold, not like us bigger girls' (she is a size 18, I'm a size 12...) And then later on said (about getting older as we are all turning 40) well, when you look like us, we don't need to worry about wrinkles and losing our looks . It was all topped off by bumping into some directors from work, who invited me to join them for champagne (they had several bottles) when I returned friend referred to them as 'flash' and 'not our kind of people'! I was speechless by this point.

All in all it wasn't a great day, just a bad combination of things I can put down to coincidence, or anything more

OP posts:

Doingakatereddy · 07/04/2014 19:23

You felt superior rather than grumpy. What your friends wore should bear no relation to how the day goes.

The money lending, well pain but chase her up. And most of us have got too pissed at Some point.

As I said, I think you felt superior & that's not nice

MaidOfStars · 07/04/2014 19:26

Perhaps they're trying to tell you something?

Chocotrekkie · 07/04/2014 19:28

I would be annoyed as well.

So 1 of them gets ridiculously drunk.
Another 1 can't afford to pay for her drink.
They are mean about people you work with.
They didn't bother to get suitably dressed.
They are mean to you about your appearance.

I would be seriously wondering why I was out with them.

CailinDana · 07/04/2014 19:28

Why were you trying to get your friend to take off her coat?

hollyisalovelyname · 07/04/2014 19:29

You've moved on ( and up )

Nomama · 07/04/2014 19:29

Maybe, just maybe, you have outgrown moved on from those friends?

Have a sit down and long think. If you feel even vaguely superior, better than - no matter how bad, vain, posy that makes you feel - then you have probably started to grow up/on in ways they have not.

That leaves you 2 choices:

move on, make new friends - it isn't that hard if the time is right for you
don't go to 'event' places with them - it sounds as though some of them don't value such things the same way you do.

The money grabber can be barked at after the weekend, pay day wasn't that long ago and what she did was take advantage of a friend with cash - so she is no friend, she lied to you.

The fat, frump can just F Off. She obviously has the green eyed monster thing going on.

So no, NU NG, not in the slightest.

Original poster

grumpyfriend · 07/04/2014 19:30

I felt uncomfortable being at an event where people were (as a minimum) as dressed up as me, and they'd just not bothered.

The money I won't see, friend lives 30 miles from me, and won't bring it to me (and I resent driving to get it!), her view will be it can wait. But I feel misled by her borrowing it because she didn't want to get charged, and then it turns out even if they'd been free cashpoints she couldn't have got any money out.

Drunk friend - well yes, we've all got drunk. But not to the point of being physically unable to walk, falling on the floor, getting hysterical and being sick everywhere.

OP posts:

Original poster

grumpyfriend · 07/04/2014 19:33

I was trying to get puffa friend to take her coat off as we were indoors at that point and it was really quite warm, so not entirely necessary.

They're college friends I only see a few times a year. I think maybe we are growing apart.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 07/04/2014 20:18

For future reference - getting worked up and nit picky about what other people wear is very very annoying.

DoJo · 07/04/2014 20:19

Nobody needs to drive - your friend can return the money via bank transfer. It's a two minute job, and how quickly she does it will give you some measure of how much she values your friendship.

The dress thing, I wouldn't have given it a second thought as other people's clothes don't affect me in the slightest, but if it bothered you then so be it - do you think you hid that well as it may have a bearing on their behaviour if they thought you were judging their clothing choices.

Why were you trying to get your cold friend to take off her coat? Was it just because you wanted someone to be dressed similarly to you?

And when you went for drinks with your directors did you isolate yourself from the group? Could they have thought that you were ditching them for some free bubbly and the chance to hob nob with people who you feel are more on 'your level'?

It's hard to tell from your OP whether you are a terrible snob who thinks everyone should value their appearances as much as you do, or a hard done-by friend who was let down by people who don't have as much in common with her as she thought. Only you know which is more likely to be true, but if this isn't an isolated incident, then you may just not be as compatible as you thought. Nobody has to be right or wrong, just different.

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 07/04/2014 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollaAtMeBaby · 07/04/2014 20:32

Aintree? I do think YAB a bit U. I have smart friends and scruffy ones. I don't arrange to go to smart events with the scruffy ones - they don't want to get dolled up and I don't blame them!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/04/2014 20:35

Everything DoJo says.

Oakmaiden · 07/04/2014 20:38

I was speechless by this point.

I am too. I think they are not your sort of people - I would move on and make some friends with people more like you.

Shallow, flashy, judgemental people...

Burren · 07/04/2014 20:42

This was Aintree, I assume?

Honestly, you sound as though you spent the whole time being obviously disapproving and ashamed of your friends. Being around sick drunks is not my idea of a good time either, admittedly, but from your friends' point of view, neither is spending a day with someone who is visibly ashamed of what you look like, and who would obviously rather spend her time with champagne-drinking company directors who are more 'her sort'. No, your friend shouldn't have lied about why she was asking you for money, but if she's that short on cash, doesn't that possibly explain why she isn't 'done up to the nines in Karen Millen'?

Guitargirl · 07/04/2014 20:43

I would be mortified if a friend of mine cared what I wore and then went on the Internet to bitch about it. And wtf were you trying to get your friend to take her coat off? Are you really nearly 40 because you sound about 16.

Original poster

grumpyfriend · 07/04/2014 20:44

I feel if you choose to go somewhere where people are going to be looking smart, and there is a dress code (albeit not rigidly enforced) then unless you don't have those sort of clothes, you should dress up - I suppose what I felt a bit fedup about was that they hadn't made the effort, when they could have done, and have made an effort on other occasions.

To be honest the clothes on their own weren't a problem, it was that combined with everything else!

Money friend only has a very basic account so I'm not sure (unless she goes into a branch) she can transfer the money. I know there's been a problem with her paying for stuff online before now which is to do with that - I'll give her my details though and see what she says.

OP posts:

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 07/04/2014 20:44

I don't think it's any of your business how anybody else chooses to dress, or whether they wear make up or not. Do them a favour and find some new friends more in keeping with your "standards".

Lagos · 07/04/2014 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

magpiegin · 07/04/2014 20:48

Oh god. Imagine the shame of going out with someone not wearing makeup or in a puffa jacket? Sounds like you ditched your friends for the company directors. My initial thought was it is Aintree as well.

Can't quite figure out why you were taking friend's coat off. It's up to her if she is too hot or cold isn't it? You sound like a terrible snob on this post.

tznett · 07/04/2014 20:49

You seem keen to tell your friends what they "should" be doing. Does it really matter what someone else wears? Is that why you met up with them?

Original poster

grumpyfriend · 07/04/2014 20:49

Re the coat - as I've said, friend was indoors by that point. It was warm, no-one had a coat on, I suggested she take it off (nicely, along the lines of 'you won't feel the benefit of it when you go back outside' etc. I wasn't dragging it off her back!).

I went and spoke to the directors for maybe 15 mins, long enough to drink a small glass of champagne and make some polite chit-chat. I wouldn't have thought it fair to leave my friends for longer than that. However on the basis of the 'flash, not like us' comment I got when I went back, I slightly wished I'd stayed longer.

OP posts:

TalisaMaegyr · 07/04/2014 20:53

Wtf does it have to do with you what other people wear?

Original poster

grumpyfriend · 07/04/2014 20:54

Just to repeat again - I suggested she take her coat off.

I didn't tell her to take it off, pull it from her back or wrestle her to the ground to remove it :)

I like how everyone has picked up on my comments about the clothes, and mostly ignored the rest. As I said, but for everything else, the clothes wouldn't have been an issue, it was more the cumulative effect.

OP posts:

OldBagWantsNewBag · 07/04/2014 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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