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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider dating a friend's ex?

38 replies

GottabeRita · 07/04/2014 12:06

Regular. Name change. Cutted up pear. Penis beaker. Pom bears. Naice ham. etc.

So. I'm single.. I recently bumped into an old friend (of 20 years standing) with whom I'd lost contact when he moved away a few years ago - let's call him Bob for ease - and spent a while catching up. Prior to his move away he dated (relatively seriously) another close friend of mine, let's call her Sue, for about 6 months. When he moved they separated (amicably).

Sue is now in a happy relationship of at least 6 years standing. They are married and own a house together and as far as I know are settled for life.

If I'm completely honest there was an attraction between Bob and me when we first met. I was in a relationship (with my then husband, now ex) though, so nothing happened and I squashed those feelings down as you do. After a while they pretty much faded and I was pleased when Bob and Sue got together.

Now we're several years down the line and after bumping into Bob we're texting and speaking a lot (he still lives a long way away - other end of the country really) though if he didn't I think there would be potential for things to develop.

The distance is a major hassle to be honest, and so things might not progress anyway, but it did make me wonder. I feel really quite guilty for even considering a relationship with him, although we are both single, and he and Sue are both several relationships on from theirs.

Would you think it U to date a friend's ex. Is it ok in some circumstances?

Sue has recently discovered that we have been talking, not that we were hiding it, and has made a couple of pointed comments that make me think she really isn't ok with contact between us, although we all used to be friends and Bob and I were friends before Bob and Sue even met, which makes me wonder if I'm treading on still raw emotions, although that is a bit surprising.

I've never dated a friend's ex before, so it feels like a taboo thing to do. Does the mumsnet massive think it would be?

Should I ask for 'permission' from Sue first? That seems like a weird thing to do.

OP posts:
SantanaLopez · 07/04/2014 12:07

I think in your circumstances its fine.

SantanaLopez · 07/04/2014 12:07

But I would make sure I was the one to tell her, rather than her hearing from the grapevine!

NotNewButNameChanged · 07/04/2014 12:10

You've already said the distance is a major hassle and he is the other end of the country, really. So, why would you potentially jeopardise the friendship with Sue for something you've pretty much said is unworkable?

ThefutureMrsTatum · 07/04/2014 12:11

I think it's fine. Like you say it may not develop into anything due to the distance. But, he's not hers and she can't have dibs on any man still that she shared a fling with. People move on, she has and she's happy so you should be able to as well.

FutTheShuckUp · 07/04/2014 12:12

I wouldnt fancy the thought of shagging someone my mate has tbh so its a no from me

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 07/04/2014 12:12

They parted amicably. She is now married. I would say it's fine! Go for it OP and good luck

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 07/04/2014 12:12

Years have past, shes married, hes single, they split on good terms.

I dont see why you shouldnt.

I would tell her though, you dont wanna gossip mongers telling her untruths.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 07/04/2014 12:15

From what you have posted I can't think of any reason why you seeing this man should be unduly problematic for "Sue". I am trying to put myself in her position and I think that after 6 years and with a husband in the bag I would probably be fairly sanguine about it.

I would also think that I had no right to dictate to a friend who she should or shouldn't date - unless of course Bob was the sort of perv who liked to shag girls in front of their friends in cars at night, or shag them in show homes or was a fan of, say, Black Lace. In which case I would issue a friendly warning.

BolshierAyraStark · 07/04/2014 12:16

I wouldn't go there tbh, you've said she's already made comments that appear she's not happy with just contact so I'd take that as a definite indicator on her being pissed off if you did get together with him. Would you be happy to lose her friendship?

HobbetInTheHeadlights · 07/04/2014 12:18

Well Sue doesn't get to tell you or Bob who to have contact with but I suppose it depends on how much you value the two relationships and how bad Sue would take it long term - she might just be surprised at the minute.

You wouldn't be doing anything wrong by perusing a relationship - but doesn't mean that Sue won't decide she it upset by that - people can be irrational creatures.

KissesBreakingWave · 07/04/2014 12:19

He's not her property. Go for it. People who object to their exes post-relationship dating are very firmly in the wrong.

KiKiKiKi · 07/04/2014 12:19

I hate this kind of thing. No-one owns their exes.

Quietattheback · 07/04/2014 12:24

It was a six month relationship, six years ago that she has well and truly gotten over. She can't call dibs on him. Nobody has ownership over another person and if you and he like each other and want to explore that then there is no unwritten code that says you can't. If the prospect of you and he getting together is difficult then it's for her to work out why she's not comfortable with it. It's not a true friendship if you have to sacrifice your happiness for her unresolved feelings.

Just make sure that if it develops that you don't keep it from her (although DO NOT ask permission from her, you don't need her blessing nor should you give her that power) because that would be disrespectful.

You can be compassionate towards her feelings without being a victim of them.

oscarwilde · 07/04/2014 12:29

It's possible that she does have an issue with it - perhaps he has some unpleasant tendancies and she doesn't want you to learn the hard way? Or he's amazing in bed and she's jealous despite the successful marriage. Who knows! If's she's a longstanding friend I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and have a quick chat, but frankly if she is just being possessive then she should grow up.

chicaguapa · 07/04/2014 12:30

A friend of mine dated one of my exes. We were together about 6 months and parted amicably. They got together about a year later and I think my friend was worried about telling me, but I genuinely had no problem with it. As stated above, you don't own your exes.

I did feel a bit Blush at the times I'd slagged him off to my friend but overall it did affect the friendship as my friend was clearly bothered about it. Either it was the fact that I'd been out with him before her or that she felt awkward about it, but she withdrew from the friendship and it died off.

They're married now with DC and if our paths cross I forget that I was even with her husband before. But I do have a very relaxed attitude to exes and have never had a problem with ex girlfriends etc.

Original poster
GottabeRita · 07/04/2014 12:36

I'm relieved to see that I am not automatically a queen amongst dickwads for even considering it.

'I wouldn't go there tbh, you've said she's already made comments that appear she's not happy with just contact so I'd take that as a definite indicator on her being pissed off if you did get together with him. Would you be happy to lose her friendship?'

Well no I wouldn't be happy. But equally I did raise a skeptical eyebrow when the snippy comments happened. If nothing else Bob IS an old friend of mine and I did feel like it was a bit OTT to object to me having a conversation with him.

I wasn't cross but I did raise my eyebrows at her thinking it was ok to be stroppy about a, currently innocent, connection between us.

In regard to distance - it is a hassle but it also has its advantages. I've got a madly busy life and I value my independence these days so the idea of an enforced 'part time' relationship has its upside.

OP posts:
SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 07/04/2014 12:41

My ex (father of dc1) is now married to an old friend of mine. We obviously had quite a serious relationship and our break-up was anything but amicable, but I didn't have any claim to him so had no reason to dictate who he dated.

I am totally bemused by the idea that you can't get involved with someone because they used to have a relationship with someone else you know. It's just weird!

Hemlet · 07/04/2014 12:41

I can't see it being a problem what with the amount of time they've been apart, and her in her new relationship.

Funnily enough I did a real life 'Wife Swap' - My ex (3 year relatonship) and I broke up very amicably (we just weren't compatible as a couple but made great friends) as did my (now) husband's ex (5 year relationship) and he. I met husband via work a couple of years later and as we were both still good friends with our exes it was inevitable that they'd eventually meet on a night out with friends.

They got along really well and now they've been together for about 4 years and my husband and I have been together for 5 and married for 3.

We have them over for dinner and everything. We're all very nice people that just happened to be with the wrong partner before.

LadyMud · 07/04/2014 12:45

Sue has recently discovered . . .
What's that about? Why didn't you simply tell her?

whippetwoman · 07/04/2014 12:51

Sorry, I am thinking of the film Rita, Sue and Bob too. Are you Rita?

But seriously, I wouldn't have a problem with dating him. Just let her know if anything develops. If she has a problem with it then it's too bad really because she doesn't own him and more importantly they broke up on good terms.

whippetwoman · 07/04/2014 12:52

Oops, just saw thread title :)
So you are Rita!

Original poster
GottabeRita · 07/04/2014 12:57

LadyMud - sorry the recently discovered bit sounds odd - you're looking at a couple of days. Here's the dull detail:

We bumped into each other, then he added me as a friend on the dreaded Facebook and added her and a few other mutual friends. Then he made reference to something we discussed in a post which I replied to and then she replied to with a 'How come I've been left out of this conversation' type comment - which I jokingly replied to, then there was another snippy reply.

I hadn't mentioned it to her directly because 1.
I am constantly fucking busy, (b) we only speak every couple of weeks normally and I didn't think it warranted a special call and iii: I had NO idea it would even vaguely bother her. It was a chance meeting. Not a date.

OP posts:
mrsleomcgary · 07/04/2014 12:57

I married my best friends ex so perhaps the wrong person to ask...

Though in our case they dated when they were 18 and only for a few months but we got together while drunk at a party a few weeks after they broke up (on good terms). She was my bridesmaid when we got married!

Go for it, it's been a long time since they dated and she's in a long term relationship, would be fine with me

fromparistoberlin73 · 07/04/2014 13:00

sue might not like it, but she is married and does need to suck it up.

I'd hate it though!!!!! its not rational either.

Do you value her friendshop OP?

Dawndonnaagain · 07/04/2014 13:02

Many, many years ago a friend asked if I'd mind if she dated an ex that I used to live with. I said go ahead. I'm really happy that they've recently celebrated thirty odd years together. One would hope your friend grows up a bit. Point out to her she's happily married if need be.