To consider dating a friend's ex?

[GottabeRita]

Regular. Name change. Cutted up pear. Penis beaker. Pom bears. Naice ham. etc.

So. I'm single.. I recently bumped into an old friend (of 20 years standing) with whom I'd lost contact when he moved away a few years ago - let's call him Bob for ease - and spent a while catching up. Prior to his move away he dated (relatively seriously) another close friend of mine, let's call her Sue, for about 6 months. When he moved they separated (amicably).

Sue is now in a happy relationship of at least 6 years standing. They are married and own a house together and as far as I know are settled for life.

If I'm completely honest there was an attraction between Bob and me when we first met. I was in a relationship (with my then husband, now ex) though, so nothing happened and I squashed those feelings down as you do. After a while they pretty much faded and I was pleased when Bob and Sue got together.

Now we're several years down the line and after bumping into Bob we're texting and speaking a lot (he still lives a long way away - other end of the country really) though if he didn't I think there would be potential for things to develop.

The distance is a major hassle to be honest, and so things might not progress anyway, but it did make me wonder. I feel really quite guilty for even considering a relationship with him, although we are both single, and he and Sue are both several relationships on from theirs.

Would you think it U to date a friend's ex. Is it ok in some circumstances?

Sue has recently discovered that we have been talking, not that we were hiding it, and has made a couple of pointed comments that make me think she really isn't ok with contact between us, although we all used to be friends and Bob and I were friends before Bob and Sue even met, which makes me wonder if I'm treading on still raw emotions, although that is a bit surprising.

I've never dated a friend's ex before, so it feels like a taboo thing to do. Does the mumsnet massive think it would be?

Should I ask for 'permission' from Sue first? That seems like a weird thing to do.

I would find it hard to believe that any reasonable person could have an issue with that.

On paper there is no reason why you shouldn't date him.

However to me it feels a bit 'off'.

I don't think I would want to date an ex of someone I am still friends with.

An ex husband or long -term live in partner then, no, absolutely not.

An ex who treated a dear friend badly and/or broke their heart, then absolutely not.

but anything else I think is fine. this guy was an established friend of yours anyhow.

Fromparis - yes I do. But I don't know that being held hostage to her feelings in this situation is a necessary/right part of our friendship.

I don't think/remember any conversations about him being a git to her. But who knows what goes on in private.

Was it really amicable? When my ex and I split, there were no big rows and, publicly, it seemed amicable. Actually, it wasn't and it did all come out later, albeit some years. The fact that Sue is a bit put out may suggest that perhaps it wasn't as amicable as you thought?

Sue is clearly miffed. That's her prerogative. You can see whoever you want. That's your prerogative. You may lose her friendship if you date this guy. That's the way things go. I'm just not sure I'd risk losing a friendship for a 'part time' relationship.

rather than be miffed talk to her about it! she is BU, but many of us would also BU in this scenario

say you like him
say you know it might feel weird, but you have a good enough feeling that you want to develop a friendship with him
sob you have been single for xxxx months and he is the first man you have liked in ages

say you really vauye her friendship, but will she be pissed off if you go for it?

its "tell" not "ask" but you are gonna piss her off if you dont. be brave!

Certain ex's - I'd have no problem with them dating a friend of mine. But there is one in particular where it would be really difficult for me to have him back in my life, to see at social events etc. I'm happily married and don't feel I own him or anything, it's just a personal feeling.

In your position, out of respect for my friend, I'd have a chat with her first and see how she feels. It could be that she was pretty gutted that they split. Also it may be that she'll think it through, realise enough time has passed, and say go for it. I don't see it as permission, more giving her a chance to get her head round an unexpected situation.

Handled sensitively, you could end up with the best of both worlds.

I think on the surface it sounds fair enough.

But in practice, I'd hate to have to socialise with one of my ex's and a friend. Once you've split up, more often than not you just want them out of your life. I wouldn't want to hear about them either. Maybe I'm childish - but I don't think I've ever had an amicable split up.

Penis Beaker! I'd forgotten all about that!!

Yes, I'd say go for it :)

i think it's fine. i think your friend will get over it. she's in a happy relationship, she should be happy for you too.

hmm when you say they split up amicably - on what grounds? If it was because he was moving to the other end of the country is her perhaps "the one that got away"? Not this allows her to call dibs but I could see why she would be upset or annoyed.
I think you have to speak to her - but work out what would happen if she said "actually no - I don't want you doing this.." Would you cut your ties with Sue? Whats the potential backlash amongst mutual friends? For me this is all just a bit much hassle for a potential long distance relationship but if he really could mean something to you maybe its worth that...

You don't get to split with someone, get together with someone else for over 6 years and still get to call dibs on your ex. You don't get to call dibs if he dumped you 2 weeks ago, frankly.

Go out with him if you want. If she wants to lose a friendship over it that's her choice.