to want some help? (sorry long)

[kitkat220]

Hey guys I've been married to OH for nearly 11 and we have 3 DC (aged 9, 8 and 9 months) I'm currently on maternity leave and will be going back to work soon but then I only work part-time (5 mornings a week term time only) My issue is that OH does NOTHING around the house, he works full time leaves the house at 8am at the latest and gets home at 7pm at the earliest but he never offers to put the kids to bed when he is there on time to do it, never offers to cook tea, and even on weekends doesn't lift a finger to help with the housework or with the baby. Saturday morning I left him in bed and took the baby downstairs at about half six and he got up at half nine and proceeded to have an hour long bath, he then came downstairs and said "oh I'll get up with her tomorrow" to which I replied "no you won't" and true to my word he stayed in bed till gone nine on Sunday too and then had another hour long bath (he has a bad back which I have told him and told him to go to a chiropractor for but he won't) with regards to the children he will spend some time on the weekend but after a while gets annoyed with them and will send them to their rooms to play and he does absolutely nothing with the baby bar a few cuddles. If I'm going out he will look after the kids but it's always made out to be such a big deal and he never does it unless he has too, things like feeding the baby and changing her nappy are always done by me he never offers to do it. I'm always the one who gets up in the night with the baby too. I understand that he works long hours and that he is having problems with his back AIBU to expect just a bit of help? I think about kicking him out and people say "well how would you cope as a single mum?" But tbh I feel like I'm basically living like a single mum anyway, I honestly don't think I'd miss him if he weren't here.

YANBU. He should be pulling his weight. Have you told him how you feel? Can you not kick him out of bed on Sunday, refuse to get up?

Sorry but you're not living like a single mum as you are living with your dh who is working and I am going to assume is paying for the bulk of living expenses while you are on mat leave.

I do agree that he should be doing a bit more or at least not complaining.

The amount he does should certainly increase when you return to work.

Formerbabe please don't misunderstand me, I am in no way belittling single mums or saying I have it anywhere near as tough as they do, yes my OH is providing most of the money and always has, but because of that is that all he has to contribute? I know I have it easy compared to actual single mums I was just saying that like a single mum I do everything round the house so wouldn't really notice if he was gone

My oh can be like this at times other times he does loads. There is no happy medium in this house! I find he does more when I'm not here!

Has he changed since you both chose to have another baby? Did you discuss this help around the house issue when you decided to ttc?

I am not surprised he doesn't do anything when he comes home.

IMO you have 11 hours ATM while he is at work to sort out the house and do dinner ect.

The weekends are a bit different as he should be doing his fair share.

Btw don't use the word helping you, it's not helping it's called being an adult and taking responsibility.

He isn't going to 'offer', you need to ask/tell him. Have you spoken to him about it?

Actually OP I used to think that about the single mum thing when I was with my partner. I am now a single mum and I have to say it is easier for me. Aside from the financial side of things obviously.

I find it easier because I am not expecting anyone else to help, when DD is with me, it is solely my responsibility to look after her. I'm only picking up after myself and DD, plus I have no one to be annoyed with for not pulling their weight etc. I have to say I am lucky in that her dad and I have 50/50 custody, which I know is a lot compared to other single mums.

Have you spoken to him about it? How does he react when you bring it up?

The financial side of things is a pretty significant factor though isn't it?

Can you stop doing things for him? Cook your own meals, not his. Do only your washing, not his. I did this when I really couldn't get the message through to DH that he was being a lazy shite and I'm not his maid! Things improved quite quickly when he had no dinner (he can't cook!) and no clean clothes for work.

I don't really think it's helpful for you to compare yourself to a single Mum. Presumably your DH is out earning the money that supports you all, and it's not fair to minimise that very significant contribution.

Tbh, I wouldn't expect him to cook dinner and sort out the dcs after being out at work for 11 hours. I know looking after a baby is hard, but it's very different in that you can plan your day how you want it and take it at your own pace.

I think you need to agree that each of you will have a slightly longer lie in over the weekend, one of you takes Saturday and one of you takes Sunday. It's fair that the one who's on maternity leave gets up in the night with the baby IMO, but it will have to be more fairly split when you're back at work.

Could you decide on a couple of specific things that you would like your DH to do over the weekend, and then ask him to do those things? You might have to accept that he won't do things the same way you would, but it might make you feel better to know that there's at least a couple of things that he will deal with at the weekends.

My ex "D"P was the same. I'm now a single mum and life is a lot easier!
Financially we're far worse off, but living with him was like having another child to pick up after.

He couldn't cook, so I'd cook all the meals and when he'd finished eating he'd just leave the plate there for me to tidy away and wash up.

If I told him to help me with anything he'd put it off for so long that it just made it easier to do it myself.

I still remember him throwing a sweeping brush across the floor in a childish tantrum because I'd asked him to help me clean the house by sweeping the kitchen floor (that was the only thing I'd asked him to do- I cleaned the rest of the house myself)

When I had my DD he spent his paternity leave playing computer games whilst I did everything around the house and looked after my baby DD and her disabled older brother by myself.

He knew exactly what he was doing. He used to joke with his sister about how lazy he is. It is incredibly rude and disrespectful to treat someone like that and these men know that. They just don't care enough to make any effort.

I prefer being a single mum. My children make less mess than ex P did and are more willing to tidy up after themselves and contribute than he ever was.

Rosh not if you came out of the relationship I did. Finances are no comparison to freedom.

op i understand what you mean except my dh does nothing he doesn't have a job and i totally feel like a single parent with a grown up child and yes ive been one so i have something to compare it too x

I had a couple of these issues recently. I actually posted about DH going to the pub every day after work (he finishes around 2pm) and not getting home until DS bedtime, etc. I'm a SAHM and yes he does pay for everything but I don't think that meant he was entitled to sit in the pub every day after work. I thought a shock tactic would work and told him over the weekend that if he didn't want to spend any time with us then I would move out with DS. I think it worked because he promised that he would come straight home after work and take DS to the park today.

Maybe you should try that OP. I feel for you, I know what it's like!

Weekends should be covered by both but weekdays the person home for most of the day should do the bulk whilst the other is out earning.

Sorry OP but I think you are being a bit U. He's at work all day and paying the bills, your job at the moment is to look after the children and the home. I am currently in this situation myself but with just the one baby.

I would be annoyed if my OH came in and didn't spend time with our dd. But I wouldn't expect him to come in and start doing housework. I try to do that during the day so we can have evenings and weekends as a family.

Now I am bottle feeding I have asked for one lie in on a weekend - he gets one and I get one. But only when he's not working overtime at the weekend.

When you go back to work obviously the dynamic will have to change - you will both have to muck in with cleaning and cooking etc. Or could you get someone in to help you? That is an option for some.

You would not be BU if he doesn't chip in and do his share then.

I agree with the above post too it's not 'helping' it's just being an adult and making sure stuff gets done.

Good luck hon with going back to work.

Maybe it's just me but I don't consider looking after my child "unpaid work"

Haha Kotika

Kotinka sorry. Damn iPhone

You need to find a compromise that works for you both as a couple. Yes you OH works, but most likely he is going to be sitting down at a desk, having coffees when he wants, going to the bathroom in peace and so on, whereas looking after young children is very hard work physically, and often there is no adult interaction.

Work out what is best for you both. If you are doing things before he gets up and way after he comes home and is relaxing then I think this is not particularly equal and he needs to pull his weight more. With more than one child, you obviously will not get the opportunity to sleep when the baby sleeps. Exhaustion is a terrible thing.

Has he always been like this or have you only just noticed it (your eldest child is 9 )?

There are so many threads like this, I just don't understand it - do these men change overnight or have they always been unhelpful gits and you have put up with it - and had three children with him? Why?

Does he want to be a father?