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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want some help? (sorry long)

45 replies

kitkat220 · 07/04/2014 09:15

Hey guys I've been married to OH for nearly 11 and we have 3 DC (aged 9, 8 and 9 months) I'm currently on maternity leave and will be going back to work soon but then I only work part-time (5 mornings a week term time only) My issue is that OH does NOTHING around the house, he works full time leaves the house at 8am at the latest and gets home at 7pm at the earliest but he never offers to put the kids to bed when he is there on time to do it, never offers to cook tea, and even on weekends doesn't lift a finger to help with the housework or with the baby. Saturday morning I left him in bed and took the baby downstairs at about half six and he got up at half nine and proceeded to have an hour long bath, he then came downstairs and said "oh I'll get up with her tomorrow" to which I replied "no you won't" and true to my word he stayed in bed till gone nine on Sunday too and then had another hour long bath (he has a bad back which I have told him and told him to go to a chiropractor for but he won't) with regards to the children he will spend some time on the weekend but after a while gets annoyed with them and will send them to their rooms to play and he does absolutely nothing with the baby bar a few cuddles. If I'm going out he will look after the kids but it's always made out to be such a big deal and he never does it unless he has too, things like feeding the baby and changing her nappy are always done by me he never offers to do it. I'm always the one who gets up in the night with the baby too. I understand that he works long hours and that he is having problems with his back AIBU to expect just a bit of help? I think about kicking him out and people say "well how would you cope as a single mum?" But tbh I feel like I'm basically living like a single mum anyway, I honestly don't think I'd miss him if he weren't here.

OP posts:

Original poster

kitkat220 · 07/04/2014 14:51

I totally agree with you kotinka, some of the posters in here seem to be saying "well he earns the money so that's his job done" but like iwillorderthefood says he gets to sit at a desk, have a coffee whenever he wants etc. As a mum you don't get to switch off, I get up before everyone else to make the packed lunches and do the tea after he has been home about an hour. Rogwort no he used to do a lot more around the house but now because of his "bad back" he has been doing less and less over the last couple of years.

OP posts:

OooOooTheMonkey · 07/04/2014 14:52

kotinka I know you weren't joking it's ok to have a different opinion
I personally would rather my DP spent time with his little girl he's not seen all day. He has an hour with her when he gets in before she's off to bed. I would rather he has cuddles with her and reads her a bedtime story than come in to start clearing up when I have had all day to do that. That's all
He does pull his weight in other areas, and often helps with the washing up etc.
The OP's DH sounds a bit useless with the kids too which is a shame

OooOooTheMonkey · 07/04/2014 14:53

To add to this - this is all very well whilst I am on mat leave, when I go back to work it will be all change!

OooOooTheMonkey · 07/04/2014 14:54

Kitkat I don't think we know that he has a desk job or have I missed that post. He could do a really manual job with a lot of driving or something. X

kotinka · 07/04/2014 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OooOooTheMonkey · 07/04/2014 15:19

Sorry kitkat. You are the OP! So of course you know what kind of job your DH has!

kotinka · 07/04/2014 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wherediparkmybroom · 07/04/2014 15:25

We had this conversation the other day, dh just pointed out I was his wife not his cleaner and hired someone to come in once a week, we share the childcare but both hate cleaning! I feel in love with him all over again!

Original poster

kitkat220 · 07/04/2014 15:37

OooOoo I would love him to come in and have a cuddle with the baby, maybe give her her last bottle and put her to bed so they spend that time together, maybe I haven't been clear in what I mean, I don't expect him to walk through the door and start scrubbing the kitchen floor, It would be nice if he occasionally did tea, or loaded/unloaded the dishwasher but my main issue is the fact he does little to nothing to help (sorry I mean take responsibility lol) with the baby. He only gave her a bottle for the first time when she was about a month old and changed her nappy for the first time when she was again about a month old. If he is holding her and she has pooed he will just hand her to me and say "she's pooed" kotinka I don't know what's wrong with his back he has been to the doctor but was just diagnosed with "lower back pain" I keep telling him to go to a chiropractor because they could maybe give him a massage (regularly if he needs it) or some advice/exercises that could help but he refuses to go. He is a dreadful moaner and i have said to him in the past "you won't go because if they fix your back or at least make it even slightly better then you won't have anything to moan about!" To be honest I don't think it will change once I go back to work as I only work mornings and in term time so my job has always been less important in his eyes

OP posts:

OooOooTheMonkey · 07/04/2014 15:47

Kitkat that's shit YANBU to expect he spends time with his children.
It sounds like you guys need to have a chat about his responsibilities and what you need from him. Could you have one lie in each a weekend? Have you already tried to talk to him about this at all?
Good luck hun xx

kotinka · 07/04/2014 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

kitkat220 · 07/04/2014 16:04

We have talked about it a bit like on Saturday when he said "oh I'll get up with her tomorrow" and I said "no you won't" and he always (jokingly) says "I don't do anything do I?" But he never takes the conversation seriously. Kotinka he had put on weight but this is due to him nit being able to exercise because of his back. I've tried to get him to go back to the doctor but he just won't.

I'm hoping there's some cause and your h is not just a lazy fuck who can't be bothered lol I have been hoping that for some time too but am beginning to think it is the latter

OP posts:

kotinka · 07/04/2014 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wonderstuff · 07/04/2014 17:25

My DH has lots of back issues, the thing is that you need to exercise and keep weight off or it won't improve. If he isn't exercising and carrying extra weight it's just going to keep getting bad. You need to build up good core strength. There is a close correlation between constant pain and depression, understandably. It sounds like he really needs to go back to the doctor and try to get physio so he can start getting better, doesn't sound like he is doing much to help himself.

I also think you need to be quite forceful with him, really push him to step up. Don't just get up every morning, tell him it's his turn, you need some down time. Arrange a night away if you need to but force him to step up. When he tells you the baby has pooped, direct him to the nappies, tell him what needs doing, don't wait for him to take a lead. When he jokes about doing nothing, tell him you're pissed off.

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairyMary · 07/04/2014 17:41

My Dh also has back issues, (been to the docs seen in an ongoing absuis at pain clinic etc takes many meds).

He would not dream of sitting down and doing nothing. more often than not he bathes dc's as I am doing something else ( or one washes one dries )

Your dh is swinging the lead and to some extent YOU are letting him. Make him take responsibility and don't just do it for him.

By all means make an appointment for the chiropractor for him ( however what my dh has found most useful if the physio exercise he does religiously at least once a day). But do stay in bed and have a lie in especially if he has said he would get up. Make him get to know his children.

MyFirstName · 07/04/2014 17:43

Recommend he start doing some core exercise classes - this should help with his lower back. Or a physio.
He has got used to you just doing stuff/taking control of everything.. So take control of him - treat him like a child until he starts to behave like an adult. But not in a patronising way. Just a "Please will you take the bins out". "The dishwasher needs emptying, please will you do it whilst I put the washing out". Offer him positive choices (like they suggest you do for toddlers) - "Would you prefer to put the baby to bed or make supper?" "Will you take the recycling out please - either before or after baby's bedtime"."Can you take the washing upstairs and grab my cardigan whilst you are up there please"
Try, try try not to do the martyr act. I used to do this. Then after a long discussion --argument- with DH we established he had lost any idea of what he could do to help/take responsibility - I did so much of it when he was at work and I could go all hurumphy if he did stuff "wrong" he just kind of gave up. Don't get me wrong he had never been great to start with but arrival of DCs highlighted it. I started by just asking. Politely. Simply. Single tasks. No guilt in the asks. Just asked. Several years on and we work soo much better as a team. He can sometimes forget to take responsibility sometimes. I can sometime hurumph and be a martyr - but we pull ourselves up and pull together. I do not have to ask him to do stuff as much now - he takes much more initiative. But I am still "in charge" of the household running iyswim - so although he may do his fair share I do accept that I may have to occasionally prompt it.
If he will not do stuff when asked politely then you really do need to sit down and make him realise you are not his slave.

yorkie84 · 07/04/2014 18:59

These threads always make me laugh. You always get someone saying well you have 11 hours whilst wage earner is at work to get it done. Like houses don't get dirty and kids don't need putting to bed after 7pm. Or uniform s and packed lunches prepared etc etc.
I am in a similar situation re child ages and dh thinks he can just sit on his arse all evening. No allowances are made for the fact I co sleep and dd still gets up twice in night.
Everyone thinks us sahms or those on maternity leave want to present their dh with a vacuum cleaner as soon as they come in the door.
Putting your own kids to beds whilst you tidy kitchen or vice versa would be a start.

DiePeppaDie · 07/04/2014 19:15

yorkie that is my view exactly. I actually don't care if DH doesn't do any housework, but if he comes home and plays with DS for a while while I crack on with it then everything gets done a lot quicker. The house is tidy and DS spends some bonding time with his dad. Everybody wins. I do try and do some in the day, but DS (10 months) only has one nap a day and I don't like sticking him in his playpen in front of the TV while I do housework.

unlucky83 · 07/04/2014 19:17

If your DH was single with no children he would work 11 hrs and then come home and do his own cleaning, washing and cooking...
If you were separated he would have to do the above and look after his children more (during contact time)....
So without him apart from financially (where you both would be worse off) your life would be the same - his would be a lot harder ...I think I would explain that to him ...

EurotrashGirl · 07/04/2014 20:19

His bad back might be a significant factor in this, back pain is horrible. But it sounds like he is refusing to get help for it

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