To expect my partner of 13 years to arrange something for my birthday?!

[LearnerM0ther]

Does your OH plan anything for you, ever?
I organise a get together / meal out / trip away every single year for him. Have been dropping pretty solid hints like 'all I want is a night away for my birthday this year' for months. Last night it was determined that all hotels where I want to stay are booked (Easter).. There is a calandar on the wall. His mum arranged to have LO overnight ages ago. I now feel like a pain in the ass and expecting too much. Am I being silly to hanker after a romantic gesture in a relationship so old?
I realise it's not a deal breaker but I AM miffed at the continual lack of effort. I normally plan something myself, is it my own fault for not doing so this year? :0(

Yanbu, of course it's not too much to ask for. Every year my DH does something special, something he takes note of that I would like to do and gets it done!
I think maybe your DH has just gotten lazy or gotten used to sorting your own bday out. Have you told him how you feel?

Have you actually told him how his lack of effort feels?

I could drop the biggest hints to my DH but he just doesn't get them. I found out a few years ago that actually just telling him:
'It's my birthday in a few months and I would like you to arrange something special for me. Do you think you can?'

YANB to want to do something on your birthday but YABU if you haven't actually told him that you want HIM to arrange it.

Have a nice birthday anyway

Yes, numerous times! We have had a rough patch of months, ending about January.. Thought it would be nice to enjoy each other without little legs about, and outside these 4 walls. And not to have to plan everything myself, bit of a surprise even!! Did spent all evening searching hotels last night, but concluded it wasn't his fault they were all booked, as I only "asked" him to sort it out and stated exactly where I'd like to go last week..
Erm - I didn't want to give fucking INSTRUCTIONS in the first place!(?)
Ye Gods, man..

P.S. Thanks, I will. Might round up the girls, tbh!

I understand. It isn't about the gift or surprise it's the lack of effort?

My DH isn't very romantic and on the odd occasion he has done something I have been to overcome and surprised to enjoy it!

Night out with the girls will be fun. Enjoy OP.

I know he is who he is but I sometimes feel I am not in his thoughts much at all. Maybe still reeling after no card, pres, treat at all on Mothers Day.

Wouldn't you think that after me sorting stuff ranging from surprise trip abroad to getting the bloody lizard he wanted over the years, he ascertain that I like a gesture??

Hey ho. Night off from Toddler the Terrible will be good whatever!

Well my dh (10 years together before 6.5 years of marriage) never organises a thing holidays, dates or clothes shopping for himself, or remembers bdays or other dates. genuinely don't think he sees it. I just try not to get annoyed when I phone to book a table for my bday date night...
I just have to think about the good things, whilst he driving me loopy.

Same here!! I have put my foot down on the birthday front since becoming a mother - he has his Dad, his Nan and his mum to remember, or they get sweet FA. I still sort his half-siblings. He's 32..
Sometimes wish I was born with a cock, it seems to be an ideal excuse for being a thoughtless c#nt.
I need to get a grip, the more I think of the nice things I have done over the years the more I feel like a total mug!

Oh, and fuck all given / planned for my 30th last year either (for his, I booked 2 nights away, packed all his favourite food - lamb shanks, kippers for breakfast etc.. and surprised him with it. Just told him to book the Friday off).
Oooooooh! Why do we bother??
He is a good Dad, supports me while I raise LO (it wasn't financially worthwhile for me to return though, think it'd be a different story otherwise), and hr doesn't cheat or beat.. Feel silly when some posters on here are with utter monsters but I'm getting bored of this shit. Year after year. Feel undervalued.

I will raise this boy not to be a selfish twat if it kills me!! The world don't need another. :0)

Well why don't you stop putting such an effort in for his birthday and see if he notices?

I get it too, it is my birthday on Saturday but this year I am being unreasonable as he is pulling a 7 day week to finish his project so on my birthday I will be solo wrangling the 3 year old on both weekend days plus working next week, being 6 months pregnant with SPD. I am feeling v.sorry for myself

Blueberry, that is pants. I hope you get some joy on your birthday. I don't know how to send flowers, sorry!
And, yes, come November, Mr I-don't-ask-you-to-make-a-fuss-on-my-birthday will see how it feels. Sorely tempted to book a single room, pack a good read and fuck right off.
I know it's the way of the world and most blokes are like this but it doesn't make it right.. surely?
(My friend told me her OH had bought her a Mothers Day card and she's not due till next week! "So I don't have to wait till next year"! Aaah. So I know they are out there..)

Is he actually bothered about doing stuff on his birthday though, or would he be just as happy without all the nights away etc.? So often on here I see people getting upset that others don't share their expectations of birthdays, Mother's Day etc. and think because they make a big deal about these things everybody else should do the same.
I don't mean not bothering to do anything, no card or gift at all, but for many people that is enough.

I have noticed that he tends to know what's going on around his birthday (gigs and stuff) and looks ahead to see at least which day it falls on. He certainly enjoys what I do arrange.. Also, we've been together a loooong time now and I have spelled it out over the last few years that I would love to do more things that I haven't thought of myself (birthday or not). He does know me..
He just seems to think that I am his brain..?
Defo not sorting anything for his next year. If he's not arsed out birthdays, fair dos. If he can't pull his finger out FOR ME, we will just level the score another way.
Also, thought he may jump at the chance for some 'alone' time together. How silly of me.

*about birthdays

Nothing, ever. He isn't bothered about his own birthday so can't understand why I'd like to celebrate mine (and I'm not bothered about going out for meals etc, I'd be happy with an extra nice meal at home). I used to make an effort for him (extra thoughtful gifts etc) but don't bother now. For my 30th I went on holiday without him (he's not fussed about holidays). As I live away from family my birthdays are usually quite depressing.

Whether he likes birthdays or not is irrelevant really. You want a fuss on yours and you should be able to have that. He's your partner and should want that for you because you want it.

Not all men are like this but because many women accept that lack of care, it continues. Was he like this when you were dating? No, I'd say he bloody well wasn't... so he DOES know. He just chooses not to and sorry, but you're letting him dictate that... about YOUR birthday.

It just seems such a bone-headed thing to ignore when we have a sitter arranged (and I'm paying with birthday cash as I know how skint we are, I'm not a total princess)..

You are right, Witch, we ARE all (well, not all of us, evidently) facilitating this thoughtless attitude. In fact, I do not know why I am asking AIBU, I bloody know I'm not!!

I have asked people in front of him for months for cold hard cash for my birthday to pay for a night away, told him directly that is what I'm desperate for, arranged for his mum to have LO with him present etc. etc. And now it's like "Oh, it's Easter weekend. It's not my fault. You only asked me last week. You didn't TELL me where you wanted to go. This is a pain in the ass. Huff. Puff."

Fucking forget it then, if it's too much bother to enjoy my company for the night.. I just wanted something sorting without having to do it, having 20 questions thrown at me and being made to feel as if I'm asking for the moon on a stick, you know?

One year my DH arranged a job interview for me on my birthday. This year he has arranged to go out for a curry with his mate. My fortieth birthday present was a Scalextric set, the one he had had his eye on for a while but couldn't justify buying for himself.

I have given up being bothered by it (been married 20 years now), and buy my own present these days (although I do insist that he makes a token effort of wrapping it up).

Megrim, Hedgehogy - I do not want to go down that route. I feel for ya but I'm going down the 'appreciate me, or I will find someone that does' road! It's been long enough, we have had these conversations umpteen times. And no, he was not like this when we first got together. Think I got 2 birthdays and 1 Xmas before I had to choose me own pressies / organise my own fun. So it's just outright laziness.. Proper tackling this head-on now. It's an f-ing disgrace! Roll on 6 o'clock, I have some ass-kicking to do.

Ooh Megrim, he sounds like he's a keeper

OP, my DP is rubbish at birthdays, but instead of getting stressed about it, I know to plan something myself. Last year, I had to take the DC to a softplay party on my birthday, but stopped on my way home and bought myself a bottle of bubbly and a takeaway for all of us. He generally does crap presents too, but I'm not bothered any more as I just buy myself what I want! He's a good man, but really doesn't make an effort at birthdays/Christmas/mothers day/valentines day and all the rest of it.

In fairness to him, he doesn't expect anything for any of the above either, he's just very laid back. I make things happen for myself these days.

I have just booked myself a birthday party for later on this year. I am turning 30 and have never had a party. I told him this a few months ago. When I spoke to my DM, she had suggested a party, but he had muttered something along the lines of 'thought we'd just have a family meal at pizza express'. Hmm, no we bloody won't! So I've booked myself a party. I won't be disappointed as I've sorted out exactly what I want, won't be having to drop 'hints' and be pissed off if he doesn't work it all out.

Take matters in to your own hands OP! It's the only way sometimes! And yes, if you want to book a hotel room for yourself for the night, just do it.

'appreciate me, or I will find someone that does'
I really wouldn't recommend saying this unless you actually want to end the relationship - you won't find happiness in anyone else until you're happy with yourself. That's a pretty extreme reaction over a thoughtless approach to birthdays, unless there are far bigger problems between you.
I hope you have a nice birthday whatever you end up doing.

I think this is one of those pointless situations couples get into. Resolve now to organise something for your own birthday, but not for his in future. Let go of the expectation that he will do it - it doesn't come naturally to him. You will actually enjoy a birthday you have organised more - because it will be what you want.

I always do take matters into my own hands, but that's kind of my point..

I want HIM to give a shit. Like, think 'Oh, it's her birthday coming up. What would she like?' I don't want to do it myself anymore. Really curious what it's like to have a thoughtful, loving partner! Hope your party's fab ( I sorted my 30th too, think that was the final straw on this beast's back.. )

And, P.S. Scalextric?? You are shitting me?! :0)

Yes, realise I don't have it too bad really. It just hurts. And life is pretty fucking boring when you have to micromanage it.

"No alarms and no surprises, please"!!

Need a proper chat. Without shouting.