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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious that exH gave the mother's day card dd made me to his gf?

51 replies

PuffyPigeon · 06/04/2014 21:01

Have posted about exH keeping hold of dds uniform, coat etc after collecting her from school for his ccontact weekends. He was EA to me and likes to keep things so I'll have to ask for them back/so I have the prospect of him possibly dropping in whenever he feels like to return said items.

More recently he's been keeping other things. For example, dds class were studying dinosaurs and dd had her dinosaur encyclopedia, teddy and walking with dinosaurs programme in the 'dinosaur area' at school. They returned these things of one of the Fridays he collected her, and they've never returned home. Another week there was a thank you letter for some charity fundraising dd and I did for the school which dd now says is on his fridge for him to pretend he did it with her Angry

There was a certificate and medal for a sporting competition which I helped her train for, took her to all the practices for, took a day off and travelled to take her to, sat watching for three hours with toddler in tow. He was on annual leave but didn't come. He has kept the medal and certificate and told his parents and gf he was there.

Last week dd was saying she'd made me a mother's day card at school. She described it but said she couldn't find it and was upset. Turns out it'd gone home in her book bag on the Friday he collected her. Tonight when I went to pick dd up it was displayed in his front window. I asked about it and he said he'd assumed it was for his gf...!

Aibu to be furious that he keeps doing this and to want it to stop now?

OP posts:
Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 06/04/2014 21:22

Its not court ordered iCan. I'm sure him keeping things is partly to provoke me into stopping school collection as he knows I suggested it so I'd have to see less of him. Me stopping it means my day is still dictated by the school run (recently I've been working longer on that Friday so I can put in less hours the following week) and that I have to see him more.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 06/04/2014 21:22

This is the "feeder" bloke?

Look - you know he's abusive - social services have told you! You know he's doing all these things to hurt you. So stop letting it. "Don't worry darling - let's just make me a bigger better card now - now where did we put the glitter - mummy loves sparkles!", "let's male our own certificate for the activity with a drawing of mummy and babypuffy doing it." As everyone else has said, talk to the school about things going home. Can you agree to call in on a Thursday (sorry - not sure how feasible that is) and get everything needed?

Of course the really interesting thing is that deep down he knows he's a crap parent and you are a good one or he wouldn't have to pretend to do what you do.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 06/04/2014 21:24

It doesn't hurt me, it hurts dd which is what makes me angry.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 06/04/2014 21:25

Sorry - not social services - the NSPCC?

Fontofnowt · 06/04/2014 21:29

What an utter cunt.
Sorry he is still hurting you.

NonnoMum · 06/04/2014 21:35

Forget about the quiet word with the teacher. You might have a naive NQT who, with the best will in the world, might think you are being paranoid (YOU ARE NOT).
Write a letter addressed to the Teacher in Charge of Safeguarding (usually Head or Deputy) outlining some of these issues (mothers day card being prime example). This is emotional abuse and needs strategies in place so that your DD will feel supported and not torn in how to deal with this.
Good luck.
You are well rid.

squoosh · 06/04/2014 21:43

What a weasely little shit he sounds. Passive aggressive wankery.

I'm glad he's your ex and not your current.

ICanSeeTheSun · 06/04/2014 21:51

Stop contact and let him fight you in court, no parent should be using a child this wa.

qazxc · 06/04/2014 22:00

YADNBU, reading this thread has given me the rage. How dare he do this to his DD. His behavior is definately not on and damaging to DD. I think his contact needs to be changed TBH.

Abbierhodes · 06/04/2014 22:01

Could the school put things in a big A4 envelope addressed to you? If your DD is told by you and her teacher that the envelope should stay in her bag until she sees you, would he be so cruel as to take it anyway?

Perhaps you could paint a smile on your face and tell him the new strategy you've come up with to stop your DD being disappointed when things get 'lost' and 'muddled'. He'd know the truth, as you would, but if he likes people to think he's superdad then he'd have to go along with it.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 06/04/2014 22:01

Me too, sqoosh, SO glad!

He's meant to be collecting her one day next week when I have an appointment at 1. Originally we agreed he'd collect her at 12.30 but now I need to leave at 12.15 to get there in time. I've emailed and sent him a text message asking him if he could collect her 15 mins earlier. He's ignoring it, as I knew he would, hoping I'll have to miss my appointment. I feel like just taking her to the appointment with me and saying he can collect her when I return a few hours later.

OP posts:
qazxc · 06/04/2014 22:01

Surely the Gf is also going to find really weird and DD will tell her it's meant for you.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 06/04/2014 22:03

The card was in an envelope with 'mummy' written on it. It wouldn't stop him Sad

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 06/04/2014 22:04

that is really mean and spitful

keep in mind what he is like and do not expect him to change or to think about your feelings

dealing with passive aggressive people is so difficult you can only keep reminding yourself that this is the way the are

sorry not much help

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 06/04/2014 22:05

Qazxc I have no idea what goes through his gfs head. Dd hadn't known it was in the window until I pointed it out

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 06/04/2014 22:10

I would just have a word with the teacher and ask if there is anything to come home could she bring it home on the Thursday.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 06/04/2014 22:24

Dd would be upset by that though, purple, she doesn't want to be singled out as different. I get the impression her teacher is sympathetic to her dad's 'woe is me' tales anyway as dd seems to end up taking more things home (class teddy, work to keep, models she's made etc) on his Fridays than mine.

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 06/04/2014 22:38

Can you think of a reason for the medal to come back with your DD so you can keep it safe? Like saying she wants to show it to her grandparents or something?

Aeroflotgirl · 06/04/2014 22:48

I have read your other thread puffy, what a nasty horrid individual. I know your dd does not ant to seem different but I would definitely have a word with the HT about giving out dd things on the days he does no have contact. I would have snatched tat card away in his house.

ColdTeaAgain · 06/04/2014 22:55

Did you ask to have the card since it was meant for you?
Agree with gator about the medal.

Is it worth talking to the teacher or someone at the school and explain what's going on, use Mothers' Day card as example of his behaviour.

He sounds pathetic, thank goodness he is your ex!

breatheslowly · 06/04/2014 23:03

Do you have any contact with his parents?

giannna · 06/04/2014 23:06

What a total and utter bastard!

I remember your previous posts, OP. Sorry to hear he's still acting like a shit :(

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 07/04/2014 07:45

His parents are blindly loyal and I don't have mine. You'd think just saying she's upset would be enough wouldn't you? But no. They often have show and tell/bring a toy from home on Fridays and because the first few times he kept her things she's stopped participating on his weeks and never got to see her belongings again[Sad

A few months ago there was a pirate dress up day at school with a certificate and prize for the best costume. Dd and I made hers together and it was brilliant. She won but guess who kept the certificate, prize and costume? Angry

OP posts:
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 07/04/2014 09:35

Can you just talk to her and nicely point out that when she brings things from school back to Daddy's house that they usually don't come back home, and end up staying at Daddy's house.

So if she would like to keep these things at her own house (or in her own bedroom) to leave it in school and that you will collect them on Monday.
I would also explain if something is for Mommy, not to bring it to Daddy's house because otherwise you won't receive it as it will stay in Daddy's house. Will she remember what happened with the Mother's Day card?

You can do this gently and kindly. She may have made this connection already, but didn't know what to do about it?

I presume your DD would like to keep such things at home?
If she wants her Dad to see her art/prizes, etc.., you could offer to text photo of it Daddy so he gets to see them too.

If she decides this is what she would like to do, then you need to work with the teacher and subsequent teachers on this.

But if where these things reside doesn't bother your DD, then I'd let it go.
In the end of the day, things are only things.

defineme · 07/04/2014 09:43

I would be ringing the school on those Fridays and saying can you put whatever to one side and I'll collect it on Monday. If met with opposition I'd say I'll consider it theft if you give them to her dad. I wouldn't care if school thought I was mad-better that than the present situation.

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