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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit annoyed MIL said 'hear you have got a little job'

78 replies

MagnaCharge · 05/04/2014 14:43

I have finally got a job as a TA in a school, the job I wanted trained for straight from school and did from the day I qualified until I had DC1 8 years ago.I was over the moon to have got back into what I have always considered my career ( I am not bright enough to be a teacher).
Then MIL pisses on my chips by saying 'I hear you have a little job'

I said 'yes but not really a little job, back to what I did before'

She said 'no, it's just a little mummy job not too taxing and doesn't matter if you have a few days off with the children'

AIBU to think What the fuck? I worked hard for my qualifications and happen to think supporting children with additional needs is really important. And she should know that seeing as BIL has autism and still lives at home in his 50s because he was not supported to succeed at school.

OP posts:
NMFP · 05/04/2014 15:03

She sound jealous to me.

Did she have to (or choose to) stay at home because of your BiL's autism? I'm guessing it wasn't easy to get suitable help back then for children with SEN.

Perhaps she is pleased for you but sees it as a choice that you have made to do something you enjoy.

Congrats by the way!

ilovesooty · 05/04/2014 15:06

If she wouldn't have dared say it in front of your husband the bitch was being offensive on purpose.

I can understand your reluctance to challenge her but I hope your children don't think what she said was ok.

I hope it goes really well for you.

desertmum · 05/04/2014 15:07

Congratulations - she's just jealous. I recently got a part time job doing something I love - told a friend who said 'oh I'm thinking of going back to work but I want something that is more of a career than just a little job'! She is in her 60's ffs, what sort of career does she think she can get ?

Sparklysilversequins · 05/04/2014 15:07

I get what you're saying laqitar. I do find though that the term "little job" is most often used to refer to employment a woman has found once her children are at school and in that context it really annoys me.

TheCatThatSmiled · 05/04/2014 15:07

OP by going back to work, a career that requires you have skills, experience and qualifications while still looking after your children well (congratulations) you have a) shown that's you are more capable and competent than she is and b) totally invalidated her choices. In her head.

Feel sorry for her if you can, but don't let it get to you.

My xMIL, on finding out my student loan amount when I went back for my degree, seriously tried to persuade me and my XH that I would be better off in a minimum wage job. She felt threatened. I ignored her :)

hamptoncourt · 05/04/2014 15:10

Congratulations on your BIG and very worthwhile job.

I would minimise contact with the bitch, especially when DH is not around.

And please don't forget the old standby, " Did you mean that to sound so rude?"

Or maybe in this case "You on glue bitch?" would have been more appropriate.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 05/04/2014 15:10

YANBU and congratulations - TA jobs are very difficult to come by, the competition for them is huge (here at least), which makes your new job no small achievement!

Being a good TA is an incredibly specialised (and in my humble opinion, vastly underpaid) career. DS1 has Aspergers and has been supported through mainstream secondary school by an excellent, professional & highly skilled TA.

Having said that, I actually think your MIL's comment would have been out of order no matter what job you had been offered. "A little mummy's job" indeed.

Maybe she has misunderstood & thinks you are volunteering to hand out tea & biscuits at the local WI once a fortnight?

callamia · 05/04/2014 15:10

I'm glad that someone who trained as a TA, and is clearly passionate about it has that role - the children you work with must really benefit from your knowledge and dedication.

Ignore your MiL, she probably remembers the days of parents volunteering to help listen to children read, and has no idea what it is you actually do, or how important it is.

Congrats on your new job!

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 05/04/2014 15:14

Well done on getting the job - how infurating her comments are. TA jobs are often really sought after and a good one is invaluable! I couldn't function without the wonderful TA in my class.
She clearly imagines you'll be finger painting and reciting the ABC a few hours a day....I wouldn't even bother correcting her.

FrontForward · 05/04/2014 15:15

Do you think she meant to offend or is it a generational lack of understanding? I can a imagine my mum trotting out something similar!

anewyear · 05/04/2014 15:16

I think Worral is right.
I work in Pre School till 1pm, I love it, what ive always wanted to do, all the paper work is crap tho..

From 1pm till 6.15pm ish I Childmind, mainly after schoolers however I have an almost 4 yr old mindee who goes to achool full time in September, I have him from 1 - 6.15

My mil refers to Pre School as Playgroup.. no idea why but this riles me, My Childminding is refered to as babysitting.....Hmm again I jump through hoops to be as good as I cqn...
ho hum..

HappyAgainOneDay · 05/04/2014 15:21

May I ask what 'qualifications' are needed to be a TA, please?

When mine were at primary school, I used to go in to hear children read and help them through it. I did other things as well and distinctly remember 6 year olds helping me to make custard from scratch and eat it afterwards. That was in the 1970s and was welcomed volunteer work.

StainlessSteelCat · 05/04/2014 15:27

YANBU. My MIL said the same to me when I got a part time job. When I was too gob smacked to make a coherent reply, she followed it up by saying how nice it would be to have some pin money. Luckily she couldn't see my face. I'm still trying to work out what to do when the comment is beyond the "smile and nod" range of responses. That kind of comment usually make me "gape and stare".

Sandthorn · 05/04/2014 15:31

I think I'd have responded with a sneer and a "Do you realise how much of a wanker you sound?"

The way I see it, you don't have to be polite to somebody so openly patronising and offensive.

Congrats on your new job.

BirdieWhirlie · 05/04/2014 15:35

Thank you for doing your job! My DC have benefitted hugely from a couple of brilliant TAs.

If your MIL does it again, tell her straight up: 'That is a horrible, condescending and frankly ignorant comment. I expect an apology.' You don't have to smile & nod or ignore an insult of that magnitude.

Barbaralovesroger · 05/04/2014 15:35

Tell DH? Totally out if order

RoaringTiger · 05/04/2014 15:38

TheCatThatSmiled Sat 05-Apr-14 15:07:39
OP by going back to work, a career that requires you have skills, experience and qualifications while still looking after your children well (congratulations) you have a) shown that's you are more capable and competent than she is and b) totally invalidated her choices. In her head.

Whilst I do agree that your MIL's comment was very rude and unreasonable I don't agree with this comment...looking after a child with autism is tasking and sometimes a full time job in itself so I don't think it's fair to say that op is 'more capable and more competent' than mil based on the fact that mil didn't work...nor do I think it is always a 'choice' to stay at home to care for children with additional needs-more often than not it is a case of having no other choice. From someone who has had to give up my career to stay at home to look after my dd with asd I do sometimes feel envy towards my friends and even my oh because they still work (not that I would ever tell my friends this, I do my oh though lol). Just my opinion though.

That said though her comment was out of order and I would have said something to her about it.

Good luck in your new job!

Latraviata · 05/04/2014 15:38

Yanbu op-I have had similiar comments from both mil and bil. Although I am a sahm,I do some voluntary work-also working with young dcs-and I always get little comments about how its not a real job because I don't get paid.

They think I do it because I am bored being a sahm-ha!-but in reality it is giving me great experience,a chance to fill in the hole on my cv and a great reference for the future. Fuck em!

Original poster
MagnaCharge · 05/04/2014 15:42

NMFP I don't actually know if she had to stay home with BIL. I tend to give her the benfit of the doubt because it must have been hard for When BIL was younger.

happyagain
I have a BTEC in Early Years including modules on supporting teaching and learning, special needs education.
I have also done loads of extra courses to specialise in supporting children with autism.

I know it is probably generational she is nearly 80 so I will just let it go and try and avoid her as much as possible ( nothing new there).

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/04/2014 15:42

I agree with RoaringTiger

Whilst the MIL was most definitely off (whether deliberately or just misguided), I don't think her being her son's full time carer should be dismissed so lightly.

rollonthesummer · 05/04/2014 15:44

May I ask what 'qualifications' are needed to be a TA, please?

We have a couple of people doing placements at my school with the aim of being a TA. I believe they are NVQ level 2 and 3s?

Most of the TAs we already have though have no separate specific qualifications-many came wanting a job to fit in with their own children. Obviously the school have trained them since in various intervention strategies.

That's just my school though-lots of the TAs have been there forever!

Pregnantberry · 05/04/2014 15:44

My (actual) mum said something similar, I told her straight that no, it isn't a 'little job' in a cross voice but understand that there are more politics involved with MILs!

I think it's an unfortunate generational thing and they don't realize how offensive the comment is.

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2014 15:45

Well if she's nearly 80 I'm suprised you too offence at all.

I can't imagine when the last time she would have had a child at school would have been?

And back then there would have been no such thing as a TA.

So anyone helping in a school who wasn't a teacher, would really have had a 'little job', albeit a voluntary one.

mateysmum · 05/04/2014 15:48

Don't let it get to you OP. It sounds pretty much like a generational thing. In MIL day, women did not generally work after children or if they did it wasn't a "proper" job.

Be proud of what you are doing. It is a very worthwhile job.

giannna · 05/04/2014 15:48

I have walked out of an appointment with a mortgage advisor before because he kept referring to my fitness teaching business as a 'little business'. Patronising, pompous twat!

So not YANBU at all, op! Well done on getting your new job, hope it all goes well