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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've just recieved a wedding invite with a poem

50 replies

Serpens · 03/04/2014 12:20

stating no obligation for a gift but a contribution to the honeymoon would be lovely and I couldn't be happier :)

No hassle in buying a gift. I'll just put some money in with the card.

They're a lovely couple and I hope they have a wonderful honeymoon and marriage and I'm looking forward to the wedding.
[wonders how much weight I can lose before the day]

OP posts:
TheRealYellowWiggle · 03/04/2014 12:26

What are you asking us?

WorraLiberty · 03/04/2014 12:27

What is your AIBU?

Original poster
Serpens · 03/04/2014 12:28

Oh sorry! I thought I was in chat. I was hoping to have a nice thread about how much easier it is to have money requests in wedding invites rather than the usual grumpy ones :)

OP posts:
ViviPru · 03/04/2014 12:29

YABU for not sharing said poem in your OP along with a snarky footnote of your own.

murphys · 03/04/2014 12:29

Well of course we need to see the poem Wink

GrumpyInYorkshire · 03/04/2014 13:21

Erm, OP. You are in a privileged position if you can so easily "just put money in with the card."

For those of us who are broke, such requests are a nightmare. You can buy a lovely wedding present for less than a tenner if you put thought into it - second hand books, a plant, something hand made or whatever.

But if you put £5 or £10 in a card you look mean. Apparently around £50, and at least £30 is expected. When that's your family's entire weekly budget, after mortgage and bills, you can see why cash requests are a real worry for a lot of us.

WorraLiberty · 03/04/2014 13:23

I think it's crass

I probably would have given them a 50p off coupon for suntan lotion.

Sparklingbrook · 03/04/2014 13:26

I'm still not a fan. The fact there was a poem would make me think they weren't lovely because that's not a lovely thing to do.

BUT you seem very happy and are able and want to contribute so that's great. Smile

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/04/2014 14:18

Given that almost no one moves out of their parents' home to set up their own for the first time when they get married, I think it's about time our gifting traditions at weddings changed to accomodate that. An obligation to give money is not good, but I'm glad brides and grooms aren't still feeling forced to choose plates and cutlery at Debenhams when they already have two sets of each. It was so wasteful!

I'd like to see people stop feeling like they have to have the money for some reason though. Those honeymoon registries can be quite depressing (6 icecream in Naples - £30), and I'd rather feel I was contributing to something less ephemeral like their mortgage (even if it wasn't true Grin). Couldn't a lack of a gift lift just be seen as a sign that they don't have specific householdy needs and then everyone would know - a heartfelt gift you're sure they'll love or money is the way to go?

fluffyraggies · 03/04/2014 14:41

We got married 2 years ago and made no requests in the invites. All the people that were invited (obviously) knew we had been living together for 3 years and so wouldn't want or need them to provide us with plates or towels. We didn't get buried under piles of photo frames, throws or bedding. Amazingly everyone was perfectly capable of working out the easiest and best option for themselves. A few quid in with the card.

I would've rather died than asked for money from my guests!

Kendodd · 03/04/2014 14:57

I probably would have given them a 50p off coupon for suntan lotion.

I just can't believe replies like this, I'm sure you wouldn't do it but even to say you would do that to a friend or maybe your sister, at their wedding is just nasty.

I have never ever on any of these thread heard anyone say 'give money' it is always 'we do need a gift but if you really want to ...'

You even get people frothing at the mouth about the cheek to have a pay bar at a wedding.

One of the best wedding I ever went to was of some really skint friends of mine. After the wedding they hired the room above a pub and dinner was just what you ordered from the pub menu. They had said in the invitation that they really wanted their friends and family to be there but instead of gifts can you please just pay for your own dinner because they couldn't afford to. It was a great day.

brokenhearted55a · 03/04/2014 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floggingmolly · 03/04/2014 15:48

There have been plenty of threads where the couple included their bank details with the invitation, KenDodd, (or on the Wedding Website Hmm), so you'd better believe it, some people make no bones about it being money or nothing.

Except of course nothing would go down like a cup of cold sick.

Floggingmolly · 03/04/2014 15:49

Btw, the couple in your post sound great.

SoleSource · 03/04/2014 15:54

Worra Grin

stuffedupagain · 03/04/2014 16:13

Flogging is spot on. A friend of mine asked for honeymoon contributions as there wasn't anything her and husband would like as presents (and gave bank account details). I felt uncomfortable giving money so did my best to choose a gift I thought she and her husband would really like. Most guests gave nothing at all...

Not only were there hints that she would have preferred money off me but she hasn't stopped complaining about all the people who didn't give money. Nearly a year on, it still gets a regular mention and makes me cringe every time. Doesn't sound good.

Incidentally, for couples who are struggling, I wouldn't bat an eyelid at giving money. It's just that this friend and husband would have gone on ludicrously expensive honeymoon regardless of contributions (and obviously did) so it didn't feel like it would be going on anything special.

JT05 · 03/04/2014 16:24

I totally agree with fluffyraggies. My DS got married a couple of years ago, DILs family insisted on total control. When DH and I got the invite at the same time as other guests, there was a request for money or travel vouchers for the honeymoon. We were mortified, and had to ring round our family and guests to apologies for what we considered bad taste and poor manners. If they were that desperate for money we would have given them more! I've never really got over it.

ReginaldBlinker · 03/04/2014 16:29

Couldn't a lack of a gift lift just be seen as a sign that they don't have specific householdy needs and then everyone would know - a heartfelt gift you're sure they'll love or money is the way to go?

Grin

Another poem!

Wabbitty · 03/04/2014 16:37

This is the only response needed for a money poem

"So happy for you on your special day
We hope great joy will come your way
And, while we know that others may
Choose to mark your wedding day
By giving you money for your pot
We thought that we had better not
We hunted low and hunted high
For a special gift to remember us by
And so we hope you will adore
This special, useful ironing board."

I am another who never had a wedding gift list and didn't get any toasters. Instead I got a lot of lovely, thoughtful presents.

nicename · 03/04/2014 16:51

I'd rather get an invitation with a request for a donation to the honeymoon/house fund etc than one we got with a list from Harrods. The cheapest single item was £30 for something like a single avocado bowl. Not sure how many people (apart from my late mum) actually have special bowls for their avocados these days but there you go. There was also some expensive bits of furniture on the list too.

The wedding didn't last.

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/04/2014 17:43

Poem Reginald?

ReginaldBlinker · 04/04/2014 08:31

Yes BoomBoom... It rhymes...

(You're a poet, and didn't know it... Whey!) Grin

Famzilla · 04/04/2014 08:41

I personally think it's vulgar and am lucky that my friends aren't that grabby. Donating money to a selected charity seems to be the thing to do around here as we have all lived with our partners for years.

DH and I couldn't afford a honeymoon when we got married. I would have been absolutely mortified if he suggested bullying our friends into paying for it.

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 04/04/2014 08:46

I've just received one with a poem too - and a link to a site that you can buy treats for the honeymoon. They are in quite thoughtful units so from £20 up I think. Which to me is totally reasonable. Apart from the poem bit which was totes vomit

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 04/04/2014 08:51

I don't think it's grabby at all, I've never had an invitation that has asked for money, just suggested it. JT05 - if I'd had that phone call from you I would have thought you the rude one for criticising the arrangements behind the other family's back I'm afraid.

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