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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call this girls mum?

36 replies

swarskicat · 02/04/2014 20:01

My DD(11) has come home from school very upset as her phone has 'locked' and will need to be wiped.

Her friend (history of controlling behaviours) is not currently doing PE as has a broken arm. She offered to look after my DD's phone. During the lesson DD noticed her friend was playing with her phone. When she went over in the water break, her friend was reading all her text messages and had sent a text to a mutual friend pretending to be DD saying she now could not make going to town after school on Friday (DD friend had invited her to her house and DD said no as previous agreement with other mutual friend).

DD asked how she had got into her phone and friend says 'I looked over your shoulder when you put your password in'. DD then changed her password in a hurry as was being shouted at by PE teacher to get back to the lesson.

Now DD cannot remember the password and has entered 9 attempts - next time she gets it wrong phone will wipe all her data. I have no bloody idea how to make her phone work again.

DD then says that said friend does this to all their friends and insists on knowing her friends passwords so that she can 'check' their messages!! So far DD has been the only one who has not volunteered her password.

So….do i tell friends mum? DD is adamant NO!! but if this was my DD I would definitely want to know about this controlling behaviour so that I could discuss with her….

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 02/04/2014 20:05

I think you should stay out of it. Seriously I think the word controlling is used too loosely. If she was so 'controlling' why is your dd friends with her.
It just sound like some silly prank that kids get up to.

comedycentral · 02/04/2014 20:05

Not blaming your daughter here at all as other kid sounds like a controlling child from what's being said but why was her phone with her at school?

comedycentral · 02/04/2014 20:06

But to answer your question, no I wouldn't call her.

DameFanny · 02/04/2014 20:07

I'd be tempted to tell her mother too, but what are the chances of it ending well? Do you know the mother well enough to know whether she'd respond productively to hearing this about her daughter?

Oakmaiden · 02/04/2014 20:08

There are ways to get into a phone even if you have forgotten your password. Have a google.

cakeymccakington · 02/04/2014 20:09

quite frankly your dd shouldn't have had her phone in school anyway, let alone giving it to other people to "look after".

i would suggest you contact the place you got it from and ask how to unlock it

cakeymccakington · 02/04/2014 20:10

and if your dd really needs a phone at school then she needs to leave it in a safe place while she is in lessons (in her bag/locker/whatever)... why would she need someone to look after it?

PlantsAndFlowers · 02/04/2014 20:12

How well do you know the other mother?

TeaAndALemonTart · 02/04/2014 20:12

No I wouldn't call her mum. Your DD shouldn't have had her phone during a PE lesson but it's her fault if she's forgotten her password.

shakinstevenslovechild · 02/04/2014 20:12

What would you say?

Her dd sent a message from your dds phone, that was all she did.

Your dd had her phone in school, didn't take care of it properly, changed the password and then forgot it.

There isn't much to say to the other mum imo.

TessTackle · 02/04/2014 20:14

She can sync it to iTunes if it's an iPhone

ashtrayheart · 02/04/2014 20:16

support.apple.com/kb/ht1212

ashtrayheart · 02/04/2014 20:16

And I wouldn't call the mum.

Bloodyteenagers · 02/04/2014 20:19

Let her deal with this herself. You have given her advice, it is now up to her.

Original poster

swarskicat · 02/04/2014 20:20

She has a phone at school as she walks there and back on her own and there are often last minute after school activities that she needs to let us know she will be late back.

Her phone is normally in her locker during the day, but she had a flute lesson first thing and the locker room was closed by the time she got to it (not sure why the locker room is closed during the day, but it is locked after break until afternoon registration).

shakin - it was not just that she sent the message, it was that she looked over DD's shoulder to find out her password and apparently (agree this is hearsay) insists on knowing all the groups pass codes so that she can check their messages.

Agree that it is her responsibility to remember her password.

not an iphone.

I guess it is just that I do not find this acceptable and if was my DD doing this I would want to know. Many of the group are starting to move away from this friend because of this behaviour and as a mum I would want to be able to help my DD keep her friends….

OP posts:

MolotovCocktail · 02/04/2014 20:20

I think you need to have a talk with your dd about how to handle 'difficult' people i.e. don't give them an inch and certainly don't give them your belongings to look after (don't be their friend?)

I wouldn't call thr Mum -yet. Treat this as in-house and only if there was a repeat incident would I start to breathe fire.

ddubsgirl · 02/04/2014 20:20

do a hard reset back up all data 1st u can do this by plugging onto pc and go on itunes then this is tricky parknyou need 2 people you need to hold down the power button and home button and plug in usb at same time

Original poster

swarskicat · 02/04/2014 20:24

Have looked on line. It is a BB and apparently there is no way to save it. So will be wiping data and then taking it to shop to reset tomorrow.

She feels awful and knows that it is her responsibility to remember password.

It is a difficult friendship group as lots of girls together in year 7, all from different schools and all getting to know each other. She is doing pretty well at standing up to this girl (hence being the last in the group of 6 to hold out on volunteering her passcode), but she is pretty strong willed.

OP posts:

Original poster

swarskicat · 02/04/2014 20:25

Plants - I have met the mum a handful of times and she seems nice, apart from being completely under the thumb of her DD. For example being told to 'get lost and come back later' by her DD last time she came here to play!!

OP posts:

gamerchick · 02/04/2014 20:34

I wouldn't tell her mother.. you could actually make your bairns life very hard if you do that and it's likely the mother would laugh it off anyway.

The only way to get into the phone according to my son is to hook the phone up to the laptop and download some software to hack into it.

What kind of black berry is it? Some you can sort out easy enough and others not. He'll have a look for the program if it's possible if you tell me what kind of phone it is.

MexicanSpringtime · 02/04/2014 20:39

I can't see that you can tell the mother in any diplomatic way. It is nice of you to be concerned, but somethings children have to learn for themselvs.

mrsjay · 02/04/2014 20:39

No what do you expect the mother to do giving another girl a phone to keep is like telling a child they cant have an open packet of sweets that you have placed under their nose girls are nosey they will nose at somebody elses phone , this girl is your dds friend she needs to learn to trust her or not maybe she should keep her phone in a locker or give it to a teacher to look after

mrsjay · 02/04/2014 20:40

fwiw my dd has a very controlling friend i dont understand the friendship and her mother is lovely the girl is just very spoiled that is what is probably up with your dds friend

matildasquared · 02/04/2014 20:46

I see the points of the other posters re: phone not allowed in school. But this little girl is a rotten friend. Your DD trusts her with her phone, and the the friend instead snoops and plays a mean prank? That's low. Eleven is old enough to start learning about being trustworthy and having a good character.

Once you sort out the phone stuff, it might be a good opportunity to talk to your daughter about friends.

"Huh, so you trusted her to do something for you and instead she snooped? Is that something you would do to someone? Does that sound like something a good friend would do?"

(Don't call the mum! Her mum's where she's learning this.)

HolidayCriminal · 02/04/2014 20:54

phone at school ok but why would it need looking after. Just keep it in a bag, no?

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