To think that people say things without thinking at funerals

[recentlybereaved]

Last summer my dm died, and recently my df died. I was sad. I miss them. But they were both very elderly and frail, they had had good lives.

But following my Dad's funeral so many people came up to me and said things that were really not helpful:
"oh you've had the most awful year" - well actually I haven't, yes the death of both parents was sad but this year my grandchild was born, my dd graduated from university and got a great job, dh and I went on the holiday of a lifetime, and my work life has been really great.
"your Dad has been so lonely" - so why didn't you go and visit him if you cared so much? and actually he told me he wasn't lonely, he'd been out much more since my dm died and he was able to visit me and my dsis much more frequently and see all his grandchildren across the UK.
"it must be awful for you being back here (at the crematorium) so soon after your Mum died" - well gee, thanks for reminding me.

I understand that they are sad too, but I was trying so hard not to punch some of them.

Morris I don't know, it sometimes backfires on you. For those who don't know, Jewish people say "I wish you a long life". People said that to my grandma last year when her husband died and she later commented that she doesn't want a long life without her soul mate.

At DFIL's funeral last year I had someone ask me what we were doing with his football season ticket as there were still a few matches left in the season.

I never know quite what to say at funerals so tend to stick with "it was a lovely service" or a nice memory of the deceased.

I don't understand op? Unless you send personal daily updates many won't know just how lovely and fulfilling your life is at the moment. By the way it's ok to feel exactly how you want to feel but many people will feel that the loss of a parent (2 in your case) warrants some clichéd but perfectly acceptable platitudes.

I think you are being a bit precious. Its so difficult to know what to say to a bereaved person without offending or upsetting them. What do you want them to say to you?

I don't understand your offense at all. My mother died seven months ago and it's been an awful year as a result. I'm glad you have a lot of joy in your life at the

Posted too soon. At the moment but it can go hand in hand with awful and losing two parents is definitely that. I don't see how the other stuff compensates.

At FIL's father's funeral I said to him 'that was a lovely service' and he looked like I'd slapped him. It WAS a lovely service but I think he thought it was insensitive as it seemed like I'd enjoyed it, if you see what I mean. I didn't mean to be cruel or insensitive. People (me included) just don't know what to say for the best at funerals.

I think saying 'that was a lovely service' is generally fine. People said that after my father's funeral and I was glad we'd given him a good send off. I found it reassuring, especially since people said it was just what he would have wanted. Your FIL was obviously feeling sensitive but I just want you to know you weren't cruel or insensitive.

Thanks Topaz. Funerals are always fraught aren't they.

OP didn't come back then ?

I think saying 'that was a lovely service' is generally fine. People said that after my father's funeral and I was glad we'd given him a good send off. I found it reassuring, especially since people said it was just what he would have wanted. Your FIL was obviously feeling sensitive but I just want you to know you weren't cruel or insensitive.

Totally agree, and I have often said that. I remember someone saying it to me after a close relative's funeral and I really appreciated it.
Re the right or wrong thing to say, sometimes words don't matter. Sometimes putting your arms around someone and simply saying 'I'm sorry' is all that is needed. The worst thing someone can do, in my opinion, is not acknowledge a loss, as others have described upthread, crossing the street to avoid the bereaved person, or simply never alluding to it. That is far worse than sometimes clumsy words, which were spoken from good intentions.

It would have probably been less acceptable had people said:

'you have had a fantastic year- well apart from both your parents dying, but you expect that at their age, don't you'

Ah, the "That was a lovely service"........ Well, my DM managed to totally cock that one up at one of her aunts' funerals - after the service one of the cousins came up to DM and I and started saying "Well wasn't that....." clearly about to say "...a lovely service" and my DM piles in with "Yes, wasn't it awful, terribly dull, I don't think Aunt ### would've liked that at all, that vicar's a bore".
Cousin's face fell a mile, and DM carried on oblivious.
As per usual, I was stood there wanting the ground to swallow me up and trying to undo the damage a bit, while poor old cousin tried not to look pissed off.
Tbh I'm grateful for the social niceties that platitudes and cliches give us - it's an emotionally charged occasion, and they allow conversation without offence. I'd rather people be dull than hurtful.

To be fair, there is no 'right' thing to say when someone dies. I think you're being harsh.