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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that people say things without thinking at funerals

65 replies

recentlybereaved · 02/04/2014 14:18

Last summer my dm died, and recently my df died. I was sad. I miss them. But they were both very elderly and frail, they had had good lives.

But following my Dad's funeral so many people came up to me and said things that were really not helpful:
"oh you've had the most awful year" - well actually I haven't, yes the death of both parents was sad but this year my grandchild was born, my dd graduated from university and got a great job, dh and I went on the holiday of a lifetime, and my work life has been really great.
"your Dad has been so lonely" - so why didn't you go and visit him if you cared so much? and actually he told me he wasn't lonely, he'd been out much more since my dm died and he was able to visit me and my dsis much more frequently and see all his grandchildren across the UK.
"it must be awful for you being back here (at the crematorium) so soon after your Mum died" - well gee, thanks for reminding me.

I understand that they are sad too, but I was trying so hard not to punch some of them.

OP posts:

Perfectlypurple · 02/04/2014 15:13

Agree dotty. I bet everyone has said something similar. I ddon't think the comments were bad.

WhatDoIDoHere · 02/04/2014 15:15

What is wrong with "I am sorry for your loss" ? I have never said anymore than that at a Funeral, for fear of causing more upset.

Goldmandra · 02/04/2014 15:21

In a situation where people are tense about saying the wrong thing and you're sensitive because you're grieving there are bound to be misunderstandings. Think of the sentiments behind the words and message that people are trying to give you which is that they care.

I was talking to someone recently at her DD's funeral and I was painfully aware that she had also had a very late miscarriage in the past. I wanted to find a way to acknowledge her previous loss because, as far as I was aware, nobody else had acknowledged that this wasn't the first child she was grieving but I couldn't find the right words so I let it go unsaid too. I still don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Swoosg · 02/04/2014 15:22

I think it is lovely that people come to a funeral. And that they have tried to empathise. It's very hard to find the right words, and most people probably do get it wrong. But it's better to try than not to bother to come, or to look away, surely.

Feeling like you want to punch people is a sign that you are grieving and fraught and yes, unreasonable. A lot of damage is done in the weeks and months after a bereavement, when you are in a heightened state of emotion.

DupontetDupond · 02/04/2014 15:22

You don't live in Wales do you? We get that a lot here from my parents' generation in particular - they like a funeral in Wales and a good 'mither' too. Try not to be upset/annoyed, they probably meant well...

SconeRhymesWithGone · 02/04/2014 15:26

Good words, dotty. I am inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt. Except for the person at my stepmother's (to whom I was very close) funeral who asked if she could have the Christmas present back that she had given my stepmother, "if it has not been used." My stepmother died in January about a month after Christmas.

Thewhingingdefective · 02/04/2014 15:27

I'm sure nobody meant to say anything hurtful. We all say dumb and thoughtless things sometimes.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 02/04/2014 15:31

People do say stupid things.

But I'd far far rather they tried to talk to me and connect with me than cut me dead or avoid me like I smelt because my tragedy makes them feel awkward. Those are the people who should feel fucking ashamed of themselves.

Please don't hate people because they don't know what to say but try anyway.

MorrisZapp · 02/04/2014 15:33

I got my current job whilst attending the funeral of my predecessor.

Luckily it was a very modern type of funeral, and a guy in a suit handing me a business card and making the 'call me' sign was not the most remarkable sight in the room :)

AnyFucker · 02/04/2014 15:39

I remember attending the funeral of my next door neighbour and one of her distant relatives enquiring if her car was going to be available for a cheap price

TrinityRhino · 02/04/2014 15:43

my mum said a cracker

we had just buried dh and as we all got back into the cars my dad ended up in a different car to my mum

she was sitting next to me and looked around and said' oh I've lost my husband'

then she clocked what she had said and went red and said I'm so sorry'

I burst out laughing

to be fair to her, it is a phrase we used to say about not being able to find someone

also she was on the road to Alzheimers by then, looking back, and was very nervous without dad near her.

She felt awful, the rest of us found it hilarious

Pumpkinpositive · 02/04/2014 15:46

Don't see anything wrong with the commiserations in the OP. What would you have them say?

Sure beats "oh well you'll just need to have another one" (to my mum after my brother died).

deakymom · 02/04/2014 15:47

i put my foot in my mouth when i said to the lady running the funeral oh its you again it would be nice to see you without having a funeral first fortunately my friend saw the funny side and offered to have a party next time instead but she was all for enjoyment at funerals her mom had the monty python song always look on the bright side of life at her funeral so it runs in the family

AnyFucker · 02/04/2014 15:47

that's a bittersweet one, trin

Comeatmefam · 02/04/2014 15:49

Wow OP I thought you were going to say they'd said trite shit like 'he had a good innings' or awful stuff like 'did I ever tell you he once had an affair with my sister'...

I'm very sorry you lost your parents but your OP is terribly unreasonable and terribly unfair!

And as for the 'you've had a terrible year' and 'he was lonely' comments, I find it far better to reflect honestly how things could have) felt for the bereaved and the deceased and approach it directly than some inane ramblings.

Jeez. I feel quite cross!

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2014 15:50

I don't see anything wrong with those comments to be honest.

Death makes people react awkwardly...even to the point where they'll avoid talking to you at all for fear of saying the 'wrong thing'.

When my Mum and Sister died, I didn't mind what people said. I was just touched that they took the time to say anything at all.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/04/2014 15:52

Would you rather them say " Never mind, at least some of your year has been ok?' That would be very insensitive.

I'm sorry for your loss but your OP is quite frankly bananas!

DemonsInMyHead · 02/04/2014 15:54

I agree that they were trying to be nice but I do see what you mean OP. I got quite angry at my MIL repeatedly shaking her head and saying "awful, just awful" when my mum was waiting for test results to see if she'd got terminal cancer. It really didn't help at all - a simple "we're here for you" would have been infinitely preferable.

Still angry with FIL for giving me very detailed reasons as to why he didn't agree with our request that people not wear black at my DF's funeral. Which he said to me at said funeral.

limitedperiodonly · 02/04/2014 15:56

trinity

A friend's mother died and I said: 'I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I liked her so much...' and she snapped: 'Well, I liked her too, obviously.'

I didn't say much else. I still wonder if she thought I was making it all about me. I put it down to grief. And it reminded me why we'd lost touch.

SamG76 · 02/04/2014 15:58

At Jewish funerals, those comforting the bereaved are required to say "May the Lord comfort you among the mourners for Zion and Jerusalem". I always thought this was a bit silly, until I was affected myself, at which point I realised that it's a good icebreaker, and it saves people having to try to think up anything original, which is what often causes problems.

Thetallesttower · 02/04/2014 16:00

I don't see anything wrong with these comments either- what on earth are people supposed to say if they don't see you or know you that well, such as at a funeral?

The lonely one isn't directed at you it's saying your dad must have been lonely without your mum. He probably was.

I'm also sorry you are grieving but honestly think that you are reading too much into these and expecting too much from people.

Would you rather they said 'go anywhere nice for your holidays this year then?'- now that would have been way more inappropriate than 'awful year'.

MorrisZapp · 02/04/2014 16:05

Jewish faith have a great plan there. We should all adopt that, including the Zion bit. It would help all round.

WhatDoIDoHere · 02/04/2014 16:08

I like that jewish saying. In Church services in future, I may consider something along the lines of "May God comfort you in your loss"

AnyFucker · 02/04/2014 16:09

I am not in the slightest a religious person, but if I could take the best bits from every faith and cobble one together, I would consider it

almondcake · 02/04/2014 16:11

My dad did go missing in a cemetery. The funeral cars had to drive around the cemetery, with all the mourners inside, looking for where my dad had gone.

At the same funeral, my aunt said, "I'm not going to have a funeral like this. It's really boring and poorly planned."

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