to be upset with CM and worried about what to do now.

[IWorshipSatin]

DD2 is due to go to same CM as her older sister in a couple of weeks. DD2 is 'special needs' following a virus, but we are still waiting for official diagnosis and prognosis. She's not difficult in any way and is lovely and sweet-natured. I've moved her meds around so CM wouldn't have to give her any. She's no more demanding than any other baby and in fact is easier than her sister (non special needs) was!

Ages ago I arranged a couple of settling in half days next week but CM has now given me back word on this. It turns out that she has Ofsted visiting and doesn't feel she can give DD2 attention along with dealing with Ofsted although she is happy to still have DD1. When my DH picked DD1 up earlier he obviously must have shown he was unhappy, and CM has now sent ME a shitty text - it was only in this text that we found out about Ofsted - even though I wasn't there. I'm back to work in 2 weeks and I really wanted DD2 to have settling in sessions (as did the CM at the time) and now I feel I will have to drop her with a virtual stranger and go back to work. Apart from this I'm worried that CM wants to 'hide the disabled child away' or something (DH has put this idea in my head and this has really upset me).

I've no idea how to feel about any of this or what to do long term. DH is massively pissed off. I need to reply to the shitty text but no idea where to start as I don't do confrontation and feel I need to smooth things over between DH and CM but I feel quite wronged at the moment so not sure what to put.

Do the mn collective think the Ofsted excuse is viable and should I just say I understand (which is what I would do in my non-confrontational keeping the peace type way) or is CM being unreasonable and should I send an equally shitty text back which would potentially escalate things with the person who looks after our oldest most precious thing and will soon look after our youngest most precious thing?

I think your DH sounds like the over sensitive one here. She's probably just busy. Have you returned to work yet? Can you go one day and see if she appears? See if your fears are justified?

I wonder if she is not thinking about this as much as you two are and just going about her business.

It's like deakymom says, he would have just been a bit 'to the point' like "what is going on with DD2 settling in, then?" as he was annoyed about the vagueness, Instead of the very bantery jokey person he normally is with her. Her Ofsted visit has directly affected him as he has to take the day off now as I had already made plans I couldn't change, and we were trying to sort it all out without getting any real answers from her. It's not a big thing really and it didn't need to come to this so I hope it all blows over!

Gert - I hope that's the case but seems too much of a coincidence to me! I think she'd be ok with me as she is still texting and fb'ing me so when I see her in person in a couple of days I will be able to assess better.

It may be that your DH came across as more aggressive than he likes to admit. Is that possible?

I've encountered two dads who became unpleasant with me. One I admit I did avoid by getting DH (also a childminder) to deal with him. The other was actually banned from the house by DH after he became aggressive and raised his hand while I was holding my own 8 week old daughter. I genuinely thought he would hit me.

A man (or woman!) who becomes unpleasant in our own homes can be very frightening. Not saying that your DH did any of this, but the CM may have misinterpreted his actions and need a bit of time.

He wouldn't have been aggressive I'm sure, he just wasn't as nice as usual. He really liked her prior to all this and they got on like a house on fire. He would spend a while there having banter with them, I was actually a little jealous! We had even been for drinks at the pub etc.

Her DH is a moody type and always has been. He doesn't speak to me or DH at all, ever, except a grunted 'hi' if we are lucky. I don't take offence. He's good with DD and that's what matters. Our 'contract' isn't with him it's with her. It's her business.

Seems so odd to treat customers in such a way.

Your DH wanting to quit work based solely on this situation is an overreaction. Since this is such a sensitive subject, maybe he also came across as OTT with the childminder and she felt upset, especially as she was already anxious about OFSTED. That doesn't excuse her behaviour but might explain it. Definitely talk to her about it though because her behaviour is immature.

When ofsted came to DS's nursery he spent the hour they were in his room sitting on the sofa giving them The Toddler Stare. All the staff said they'd have loved to copy him and the inspectors were a bit non-plussed. Perhaps she'd like to borrow DS?

Anyway, it does sound like a bad week for the settling abb maybe someone (possibly DH) could use some AL for those days?

We chose our CM for one day a week to complement nursery and so that DH can do more pickups (she lives quite near the station and he commutes by train). She is from a culture that doesn't really "do" conversation between unrelated men and women but they get on well now they've both settled in together. If I have to go away for work DS does extra days there and I just leave them both to it .

I think your husband needs to speak to CM. Sounds like you are happy with the CM but the air definitely needs to be cleared. Your DH needs to grab the bulls by the horn and explain himself and why he was "off" with her, a very passive aggressive stance from him. Surely he can just explain why he was a bit "off". However, her reaction has not been very mature either.

I think you all need to get over yourselves and actually communicate with each other. If she texts, call her if you need further discussion!

An inspection is a very stressful time, as is having a child with disabilities and not having a diagnosis. Miscommunication or a lack of communication is not worth stopping a positive childcare situation.

I know you say her admin is a bit useless, but FWIW I would much rather this than have a CM who was anal about paperwork to the point of not being able to have a good relationship with the children.

WildSouth everything you say is spot on and regarding your last paragraph I completely agree hence why our child/ren are still attending!

I think her reaction to my DH being 'off' is OTT but yes the air needs clearing. Not sure it's my air to clear but I will have a go.

"I think her reaction to my DH being 'off' is OTT" - it may be, but then your/your DH's reaction to her asking to delay the settling in days for Ofsted was also OTT in that you decided she wanted to 'hide a disabled child' (wtf, why would you even think that?) instead of more sensibly thinking 'of course she can't deal with having an important and stressful inspection and properly focus on settling in a new baby at the same time. For the record, Oftsed would love to see how she's meeting the needs of a disabled child!

It sounds like your DH has upset her - even more so if you've crossed the 'work' boundary and become friends with her. Also your delaying writing the reference she's requested may be upsetting her too.

I'm a CM (although on Mat leave myself atm) and I've had parents make what seemed to me to be offhand (thankfully never rude) comments to me about some aspect of their child's care/day - probably they meant nothing was meant by it, but when I've spent the whole day doing my utmost to ensure that their child was happy, stimulated, well cared for etc etc it made me feel very unappreciated - CMing can seem thankless at times! Although I hope I was never offhand/rude in return - but it sounds like your CM is quite matey with you (and if you've been to the pub with her etc you can see why she would be) so perhaps she's being more formal with you whilst she is upset.

If you're happy with the care your PFB has received from her then you should tell her so and write her a reference asap as requested - and get your DH to apologise, by text if needs be.

"Apart from this I'm worried that CM wants to 'hide the disabled child away' or something (DH has put this idea in my head and this has really upset me)."

If you think that of her then why are you using her?

I think you need to actually talk to her..there is a lot of second hand communication coming through your DH with his personal slant on it. sounds like they have both been a bit off with each other

Well, there's your problem. You've crossed professional boundaries by going to the pub and such and as a result aren't getting a completely professional service. She thinks she can text moaning about your husband as a result (which childminders on here have said is unprofessional) and she thinks she can be vague with communication as a result. Your in a position where she sees you as a friend too and friends are easier to mess around than a proper customer. She doesn't give you real answers because she knows she can pull this texting business and have you chasing after her. It's so unprofessional.

Leeloo - I didn't 'decide she was hiding the disabled child'. The thought was put in my head and I asked here what people thought. They told me not to be daft. I realised I was being daft. No decision was made.

His reaction was to how she dealt with communicating to us, not to the fact she cancelled on us. Ofsted is a red herring.

We appreciate that her job must be very difficult and stressful at times. We all have difficult stressful jobs though. We tell her all the time how great we think she is (I've already done a glowing feedback questionnaire for Ofsted, now she's asked me to write the letter too which is fine. It's not like I've sat on my arse and done nothing).

Your post implies that you'd rather a parent didn't voice a concern, because you've worked hard all day. If my boss is unhappy with my work I want to know so I can change, and I don't sulk with him about it (not saying you do, but my CM is sulking and we haven't even criticised her care of our child which is top notch, just her communication skills, and it was hardly criticism!)

Diddl I don't think that I admitted I was being over sensitive

But do you have doubts about her now that you didn't before?

No not really.

I'm certain she will care for my DD brilliantly.

My doubts only centre around her admin, communication and professionalism which I already had before. It's just this incident has brought those issues back to the fore.

I'm a CM. As others have said, it's not unreasonable to ask about changing settling in days due to an Ofsted visit- but the communication should be simple: 'Hi IWorship's DH. I was wondering- would it be ok to change the settling in days for DD2 slightly as I have an Ofsted visit on day x, and I would really prefer to give DD2 my full attention when she's settling in?'.
This really is quite basic to me. Whether your cm likes it or not, professionalism, effective communication and admin are part and parcel of the job. Without these building blocks, it really is not possible to care for other people's children in a business setting in a responsible manner.
I'd be looking for a new cm.

Ah, great if you do give her positive feedback too - and I don't think you'd mentioned you'd done the questionnaire for her already.

I do actually welcome constructive feedback (altho' appreciate my post may have sounded like I didn't). Just that often parents don't give feedback/raise concerns as such, just make possibly snarky comments about something tiny, rather than be positive about what a fun day their child has had - e.g. - child is proudly showing parent lovely picture they've painted and parents looks at smudge of paint on child's trousers and says 'oh yes I can certainly tell you've been painting today.' Where I'm left feeling a bit uncertain - are they really p'd off that child has managed to evade their painting apron or just joking. That probably sounds really petty - but its that kind of comment I mean - where its not feedback as such, just offhand comments - which I assume is what your DH did.

See, being a CM is an odd mix, its not like an impersonal office job - its such a personal relationship with the child that you're kind of a surrogate mum/dad to, but obviously you're also being paid to do a job... I don't know, I just think it makes criticism feel very personal.