to be upset with CM and worried about what to do now.

[IWorshipSatin]

DD2 is due to go to same CM as her older sister in a couple of weeks. DD2 is 'special needs' following a virus, but we are still waiting for official diagnosis and prognosis. She's not difficult in any way and is lovely and sweet-natured. I've moved her meds around so CM wouldn't have to give her any. She's no more demanding than any other baby and in fact is easier than her sister (non special needs) was!

Ages ago I arranged a couple of settling in half days next week but CM has now given me back word on this. It turns out that she has Ofsted visiting and doesn't feel she can give DD2 attention along with dealing with Ofsted although she is happy to still have DD1. When my DH picked DD1 up earlier he obviously must have shown he was unhappy, and CM has now sent ME a shitty text - it was only in this text that we found out about Ofsted - even though I wasn't there. I'm back to work in 2 weeks and I really wanted DD2 to have settling in sessions (as did the CM at the time) and now I feel I will have to drop her with a virtual stranger and go back to work. Apart from this I'm worried that CM wants to 'hide the disabled child away' or something (DH has put this idea in my head and this has really upset me).

I've no idea how to feel about any of this or what to do long term. DH is massively pissed off. I need to reply to the shitty text but no idea where to start as I don't do confrontation and feel I need to smooth things over between DH and CM but I feel quite wronged at the moment so not sure what to put.

Do the mn collective think the Ofsted excuse is viable and should I just say I understand (which is what I would do in my non-confrontational keeping the peace type way) or is CM being unreasonable and should I send an equally shitty text back which would potentially escalate things with the person who looks after our oldest most precious thing and will soon look after our youngest most precious thing?

I don't think it would be a good idea to do a settling in session while ofsted there.

Not fair to the CM (who wants everything to be smooth, calm and as it usually is) or to your dd (who deserves to have a gentle settling in session with the CM capable of completely focussing on her and getting to know her properly rather than on a stressful occasion).

Thanks for all your comments - I now totally accept that Ofsted is viable reason to delay. The problem is more how it has been dealt with and communicated to us.

Lots of food for thought in your replies and I'm really glad I posted as I got a great 'other side of the story' which I might not have necessarily thought about.

I will text her back now with renewed insight.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies.

Your DH is looking at it the wrong way.

It would be better for the childminder to have a normal day for settling. Better for the childminder is better for your dd in terms of her being able to focus on your dd.

Remember also that this is her job too! It's important for her for the inspection to go well. She's not putting ofsted above your daughter - but being aware that it would be less stressful for all concerned if your dc's settling in session did not coincide with the inspection.

How would your dh feel if he was being inspected at work and that the inspection could lead to him being downgraded, and at the same time was trying to focus very hard on a new task he'd been given?

I would think its very possible she's only just found out they are visiting-
i had slightly more notice only in that I only worked termtime so wouldn't have been there in the original week they wanted to come..

I would not want a new child doing a settling visit at the same time- yes some is observation but they often want to talk to you about things as well and I would want to be completely on the ball with the new child and helping them and the other children there (if any) be comfortable to

if DD is happy there and you've been happy so far I would talk to her about her communication - how it came across to you .... not the hun stuff that's a personal style I think, not something I would want to change with a previously good relationship with my childminder..

however if you live in area with lots of good childminders &/or nurseries with spaces you are within your rights to cancel your contract with the agreed notice period for any reason and move your child...it is a business after all so if you don't like it you're the customer....

Your dh is thinking of giving up work because of this?! Massive overreaction

I would much rather not have a new child when Ofsted visit, but I certainly wouldn't let a parent down.

Adsy - I know! I've read him most of the replies on this thread and he is coming round a bit. I really don't want him giving up work!!

The Ofsted visit is a totally relevant reason. I don't think my CM would allow a new child in the week of her Ofsted visit, special needs or not.

Put it this way, the vast majority of parents who are looking for a childminder are going to check the Ofsted report. It's absolutely vital for her business, it's her main source of 'advertising' if you like for new clients and a bad one could break her business and livelihood. So this really is important to her, it's essential to the way she earns her living. Massive attention to detail is required for these visits as is a great deal of preparation.

Suggesting giving up work is indicative of excessive anxiety in relation to this. Which is understandable in some aspects but he heeds to reevaluate the whole situation. Probably an initial reaction as opposed to serious intention.

CMs are only human. She shouldn't have sent a shitty rext, but then you don't know how he was with her.

Hope this gets sorted for you as good CMs are worth their weight in gold x

I don't think you would get the settling in sessions you wished for anyway if OFSTED are visiting, it won't be the same as any other day when she could focus on getting you know your baby and helping her to settle.

Let it go, and wish her luck for the inspection.

I think your CM is actually being very thoughtful in wanting to give your dd her full attention during her settling in sessions, so putting them back. She will also want Ofsted to see her at her best, which anyone would want at an inspection, with a new charge this may not be possible. Your DH sounds like a bit of a drama queen...is he looking for an excuse to quit work? Total over reaction.

Is the CM asking whether you can reschedule prebiously-booked settling in days to avoid OFSTED (understandable) or saying now that she will not offer settling in at all before you return to work (I would be )?

I'm in Scotland but I think the basic inspection is the same. My DM is an inspector for the CareInspectorate/SCSWIS and she would totally expect the children to come first and would not grade you down for dealing with a new child, thats ridiculous. The point of the CM is to look after kids. I think she would be more likely to mark you down if you ignored kids to talk to her. Settling in a child should be a standard thing for a CM why shouldnt an inspector see that? What would she do if the child was already there?

5inabed unless you are a cm and have been Ofsteded you have no idea.

your dm sounds sensible. some inspectors are not. my muse inspector was borderline rude, talked over the kids and expected me to pontificate about learning journals and goals. I couldn't have coped with that and the added stress of a new child.

new mindees sometimes need lots of attention.

having sn too she would be expected to he well up to speed with all this too.

op your dh dies sound slightly silly here. take care he doesn't piss of the cm too much as giving notice works both ways too you know.

I gave notice because of an arrogant/aggressive dad.

I ran a business as a highly trained and skilled individual not a nursery maid.

Hi all,
I've not had an opportunity to speak to her in person yet but I smoothed things over (or so I thought) via text. In her replies to me she said she was upset that DH had seemed unhappy and pissed off. I've arranged some alternative settling in days for my youngest so that's all ok.

New problem though - DH has got over himself and has been doing drop off and collection of our oldest as he usually would. However each time he goes the CM has not been there, and has been in the lounge or elsewhere. She works from her house with another CM and it is this other CM who has been present. This is really unusual for our CM - she is ALWAYS there to run through the day and inform of anything we need to know.

My DH was neither aggressive nor arrogant the other night (I wasn't there I know, but I know him) - he simply wasn't as 'fun' as normal and she has picked up on this and obviously got upset about it. I think she's now sulking about it but I can't be sure. She has past form for being over sensitive with people.

My DH will continue as normal but is not getting the opportunity now to be normal and let it all blow over as she has seemingly gone into hiding!

It's all very ridiculous and I'm sure it will blow over by next week but I have real concerns about how professional this behaviour is? I feel at any minute she will say she's not having our children any more and that's the last thing I need when I'm about to go back to work!

We've never signed a contract (despite my asking about it - as I say, we have had concerns about her paperwork and admin... Her previous Ofsted was glowing but mentioned poor paperwork skills) so I don't know what her notice period is either way or if either party needs to give notice if there's no contract. I feel now isn't the time to ask her about this! But I'm having massive doubts about my youngest even starting there at all.

I'd appreciate thoughts on whether I just ignore current behaviour and leave her to get over it, putting it down to stress of Ofsted?

Thanks!

It's very difficult to give a settling in child the full attention needed whilst ofsted are asking questions and breathing down your neck (I work at a nursery) However I feel the way she told you and handled the situation was unreasonable.

Buttercup - thanks, totally understand that. The thread has now moved on to a new issue! Thanks though :)

Ironically she has asked me for a reference letter for Ofsted and keeps chasing me for it. I need to write it today. It seems odd to behave like this when I'm about to write a reference.

I suspect if I tackled her she would deny and say it's coincidence she wasn't present the last 3 times he's been!

She probably doesn't feel she can give your DD so much attention as a new child might need when she has OFSTED to contend with.You will be leaving her with a virtual stranger the first day whether you are at work or a t home.And her sister will be there-she will be fine!

It is immature to avoid a person like that. It is very hard to get an idea of how 'off' your DH was with her that time as it's '3rd hand' by the time it's told here.

Basically you either have to start again with a new CM or one of you actually tackle your issues with her. (re contracts, ofsted visit and ant bad feeling with DH) Face to face or on the phone.

It seems like neither you, or her are keen to actually get down to discussing anything properly!

Maybe she's busy catching up on the paperwork in preparation for Ofstead?

No seriously, I think you have to weigh up her attitude with the care your child gets. If your child is happy, if you are happy with how she cares for your child, does it really matter if she's crap at paperwork and oversensitive? She perceived an unhappiness in your DH, which is true even if he wasn't actually rude. She's probably embarrassed about everything and reacting strangely because she is stressed about Ofstead. That's not to excuse her behaviour which is not good, but it does explain it.

I'd wait and see how it is in a couple of weeks.

The reference? Keep it child focussed and don't mention other aspects. Like an employer they could read between the lines in the other areas? Not really sure what I would write, to be honest. I think you need more time to see how it pans out.

it sounds like she is very sensitive although my husband can surprise people when he goes from fun jokey guy to frowning person it can be a bit disconcerting but unless she is a teen drama queen she should get over it

As mentioned upthread you don't know how your DH came across to your CM.

DD2 is 'special needs' following a virus, but we are still waiting for official diagnosis and prognosis.

Taking things in your stride with parenting depends on your own temperament and the issue at hand.

I am not saying any display of temper or aggressiveness is excusable but sounds to me that the whole CM/ Ofsted uproar was used by DH as some kind of pressure valve.
Something snapped and all his anxiety about DD2 came to the surface.

I would think that you have to let your CM come back to normal communication with DH at her own speed. He may be very willing for things to resume but he either needs to eat humble pie or leave her to get back on a friendly footing at her pace.

I think it needs a chat through too, but she doesn't make herself very available (hiding in lounge being an example!) and does a lot of stuff by text, which was our initial issue with the communication ref settling in days as the texts were vague and we didn't know what was going on.

We are really happy with care of DD1 and it's a great setting so have let other things go. It's very hard to tackle her about things as she is so sensitive to criticism.

I think I will keep the letter child focused, I have no issues with her there.

I'm going up alone with DD2 to drop her for settling in so if she's still hiding from DH by then then I guess I tackle her about it? I feel it's the wrong time to start tackling her about contracts etc.