Ex Partner and Mothers Day Ranty Rant Rant

[Mum2Milo]

ARGHHH I'm so utterly annoyed! I split up with my ex of 10 years last year, it was completely amicable. However, as I was the one brave enough to say this just isnt working anymore I was riddled with guilt and as I result I walked away from our mortgaged house leaving it to him (it costs 200 less than my rent a month) and I moved out with our 4 year old son. (While I was in the processing of moving out he had already started going on dates with a friends sister, I couldnt care less at that point and just wanted out).

As another act of kindness I continued to allow my sons child benefit to to be paid into his account rather than mine as there was a shortfall between what he earned and what he owed.

As it stands I currently work 37 hours a week, while caring for my son 6 out of 7 days of the week (his father has him every Saturday night) all without ever being offered nor asking for a single penny from his father. I pay for everything.

So, he now has a 21 year old girlfriend (his friends sister) who is still in University (were in our thirties), he wants to move around 30 miles to be closer to her and already feels that by seeing his son once a week he more than justifies his role as father and in-fact hes a wonderful father (he didnt contact his son on his 3rd birthday). For the 6 days he doesnt see him he literally never contacts to find out if hes ok.

He also informed me that hes going on holidays for 2 weeks with his girlfriend next month. As a result he cant offer me one single day of support throughout the summer half term, the thought didnt even enter his head. So he has left me to juggle 48 days of school holidays with my 21 days of annual leave.

So, I thought to myself yesterday morning I wonder if I will receive at the very most a text to say thanks for everything I do for our son.NOTHING!

So, this morning I decided to change the bank details for my sons child benefit so he doesnt get it anymore, but I havent told him.
(I must add Im really not a pushover, most people would describe me as strong willed and independent. I was just overcome by guilt and a genuine remorse for not being able to stay together for our son)
AIBU?

Given that you pay for the things your child needs 6/7ths of the time, I'd say YANBU. Unless you've been ordered by a court to pay maintenance to him? - no, thought not. YANBU.

That's exactly right, Lagos. I hope you mean that in the sense that the OP's ex isn't the resident parent and isn't contributing financially, so of course it should be the OP who receives it.

Exactly lagos. So it should go to the resident parent that the child spends 6 out of 7 days with. He should also be paying maintenance.

Urgh, what on earth did you ever see in him?

Oh I forgot that part "apparently" the child benefit (I think its called that, its the 80 something a month) was now being used to do fun things on the day he had him (which involved paying for him and his girlfriend) when I queried it last month as he'd recently started a new job. To which my reply was, but I need that money to feed him and put clothes on him, no response!

Honestly, YANBU, you're really not!

I used to work in tax credits, many many moons ago. Sometimes we'd get parents disputing residency and insisting they should be the ones in receipt of the money. When that happened, we'd look at things like which parent was responsible for arranging medical appointments and the main one was 'Who does the child live with for most of the time?'. I think child benefit use similar criteria and you meet it by MILES. No question that it should be you receiving it. None at all.

What has mothers day got to do with it?

I literally have no idea what I saw in him. He genuinely thinks he is the most incredible father in the world. When quite frankly, hes possibly one of the worst I know. He can't see it though. He really thinks he does everything a father should do. I don't receive any financial support of him for my son and never have. I had to go away for 5 days with work recently, he had the opportunity to spend a few extra days with him over the weekend. Instead he said he was happy to just have him the 1 night as normal?!!! As I write this I can't actually believe how stupid I am to put up with him!!

The mothers day thing, I thought as I'm technically raising his child he'd have the decency to say thanks on the one day when most people kind of do that thing.

You can now use it to help pay for the childcare for the summer? No brainer really and a very reasonable argument to use when he has a problem with it.

eosmum...thats a good argument! I know he'll kick up a fuss once he realises I've started doing the right thing and made sure it goes to our son and not him!! thanks :)

He should be paying maintenance!

You can claim childcare tax credits, or are you doing this already?

YANBU

I said this was ranty, I'm so sorry guys....urgh now I've walked away from him I can see him for what he really is and sometimes I just need someone to say "yeh that really isn't normal" but it was for so long!

I feel a lot more justified in what I've done thanks all. I can see how mad this all sounds but he's one of those "victims in life" where everything always goes wrong and everyone is against him....I would often do anything for an easy life including helping him like I have.

Sod what you think he can afford, get the paperwork sorted and make him aware that he has financial responsibilities. If he chooses not to pay that is up to him. YOU need help to manage your son's childcare.

Go to it or I will hunt you down and paint 'daft mum' on your forehead - I'll use indelible ink too!!!

YANBU.

I would also suggest you claim child maintenance as well any other tax benifets you are entileted too.

How he manages/funds his own lifestyle is not your problem.

LOL nomama, that me laugh, you're so right I'm so silly!! I think I've had this strong independent woman thing going on for too long and I'm letting him get away with murder!

Thanks for all the comments I really needed a kick up the bum!

Why are you riddled with guilt M2M?

I can't imagine there is anyone in the world that would say he deserves to have it so easy just because you were the one with the courage to end the relationship.

I find it quite disgusting that he hasn't tried to come to an arrangement with you about accommodation and maintenance. Not to mention child care and sharing the responsibilities of raising your son together.

He's a useless article.

It is not up to you to make a judgement about what he can and can't afford. Get your son's child benefit transferred to you, and then speak to the CSA about him properly supporting his son.

The mother's day text is just weird though. You've split up, you don't get praise for your parenting from an ex, or very rarely anyway. That would be like one of my exs texting me out of the blue to say I'm a really good shag or a really good cook (both true but it would still be a weird thing for them to tell me).

Do you think you've really moved on? You seem to be quite happy to enable him to do nothing for his son....

I don't think an acknowledgement on Mother's Day is that weird Wilson. Lots of fathers do that for their small children. I know OP is separated but there is no animosity between them.

Having said that, from what M2M has posted about her ex, I would have been amazed if he had the capacity to do anything thoughtful on behalf of anyone, ever.

Bollocks can he not afford maintenance. If he can afford to take his new girlfriend abroad for two weeks he can afford to hand over a measly 15% of his wage for his son.

Make sure you tell the CSA that you split a long time ago, there's a possibility they'll backdate his payments to you.
Don't stand for his shit anymore.