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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex Partner and Mothers Day Ranty Rant Rant

37 replies

Mum2Milo · 31/03/2014 17:01

ARGHHH I'm so utterly annoyed! I split up with my ex of 10 years last year, it was completely amicable. However, as I was the one brave enough to say this just isnt working anymore I was riddled with guilt and as I result I walked away from our mortgaged house leaving it to him (it costs 200 less than my rent a month) and I moved out with our 4 year old son. (While I was in the processing of moving out he had already started going on dates with a friends sister, I couldnt care less at that point and just wanted out).

As another act of kindness I continued to allow my sons child benefit to to be paid into his account rather than mine as there was a shortfall between what he earned and what he owed.

As it stands I currently work 37 hours a week, while caring for my son 6 out of 7 days of the week (his father has him every Saturday night) all without ever being offered nor asking for a single penny from his father. I pay for everything.

So, he now has a 21 year old girlfriend (his friends sister) who is still in University (were in our thirties), he wants to move around 30 miles to be closer to her and already feels that by seeing his son once a week he more than justifies his role as father and in-fact hes a wonderful father (he didnt contact his son on his 3rd birthday). For the 6 days he doesnt see him he literally never contacts to find out if hes ok.

He also informed me that hes going on holidays for 2 weeks with his girlfriend next month. As a result he cant offer me one single day of support throughout the summer half term, the thought didnt even enter his head. So he has left me to juggle 48 days of school holidays with my 21 days of annual leave.

So, I thought to myself yesterday morning I wonder if I will receive at the very most a text to say thanks for everything I do for our son.NOTHING!

So, this morning I decided to change the bank details for my sons child benefit so he doesnt get it anymore, but I havent told him.
(I must add Im really not a pushover, most people would describe me as strong willed and independent. I was just overcome by guilt and a genuine remorse for not being able to stay together for our son)
AIBU?

OP posts:

DoJo · 31/03/2014 18:35

Your son is entitled to be supported by both parents - you being strong and independent doesn't come into it. You can put his maintenance into savings for your son if you don't need it.

WilsonFrickett · 31/03/2014 19:01

I suspect theres no animosity because he gets to do exactly as he wants Jazzy - and gets to keep the CB to boot!

RedandChecker · 31/03/2014 19:13

You're being way too kind op! And sadly some people take kindness for weakness! If you don't need the CB then put it into a savings account for your DS. Also, he should pay maintenance for your DS regardless of guilt, etc.
You can then use this money for child care during the holidays so you don't have to rely on him.
Happy Mother's Day for yesterday

StrawberryTot · 31/03/2014 19:20

I'm really sorry but your entire post sounds bitter :( it sounds like you had a lucky escape to me, but I will admit YANBU to change the child benefit to your account. You do the majority of the parenting so you are more than entitled.

Peacesword · 31/03/2014 19:43

Bitter?!! Doesn't come across like that to me, but even if she is I really don't blame her if she is feeling bitter and she sounds remarkably constrained considering that he's royally taking the piss!

Totally agree with everyone else - claim the CB and put in a claim for maintenance. And stop expecting him to notice what a great job you are doing, or how accommodating or kind you are being - he never will. I learnt that lesson myself, having left xh and been kind about finances etc.

What's the score with the marital home?

TheCrackFox · 31/03/2014 19:55

This child benefit should be paid to you as it should be spent on your child.
Speak to CSA as your ex should be paying towards the upkeep of his son - he has had a year to get used to his new circumstances and, really, should want to be paying.

Get the house sold - it is 50% yours and guilt doesn't pay the bills.

Holiday childcare isn't cheap.

JumpingJackSprat · 31/03/2014 20:01

You've been extremely naive. Get the finances sorted and I can't see why you would expect any text from him thanking you. Yabu to expect it. He's not with you anymore.

Original poster

Mum2Milo · 31/03/2014 20:46

I suppose I have been very naive, it's quite difficult to sum up what 10 years with him has done to me and how I feel into a few paragraphs. He's so manipulative I didn't even realise it until now. I guess what's stirred the Mother's Day thing for me was seeing a cousin who has ripped her family apart through cheating (it was a huge mess) still have gifts and cards from him (from the kids) and I'm still apparently quite good friends with my ex and I don't even get a text. I've definetly moved on I have a utterly wonderful boyfriend and he even bought me flowers and chocolates! So I'm not complaining about missing out! I know it's really silly but a lot of my friends did get cards off ex's...I guess it's not that common! I didn't go into this post thinking I should have had acknowledgement from my ex boyfriend. But rather the father of my child who might have helped his son buy his mother a card?? Is that so weird?! I will definetly follow up the CSA advice thank you everyone you have been really helpful and kind :) x

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 31/03/2014 20:58

On a practical point you would be fucked if you lost your job and the CB was not in your name - it is a gateway benefit to a whole other host of benefits. You have to be hard nosed aboit this sort of thing for the sake of your child.

I am guessing your ex actually does ok money wise but because he has manipulated you so much over the years you felt sorry for him and he is now laughing all the way to the bank.

livingatheendofthewall · 31/03/2014 21:17

You walked away from your mortgaged house?? Madness! Sorry but yes you've been pretty naive and now your son is paying for it.

Inertia · 31/03/2014 22:17

Well, you've definitely done the right thing in moving the CB so that your son can actually benefit from it.

Next step is to make the CSA claim.

Step after that is to establish what claim you have on the house.

I agree with living - the money that you let your Ex scoop up for holidays with girlfriends should be providing for your son.

Pilgit · 31/03/2014 22:53

Sounds like you are well rid of him. Stay reasonable but get angry. A proper father supports their child and seeks to Co parent. A proper father wou l do be thinking through school holiday responsibilities with you. A proper father would acknowledge the work you are putting in. Men like this produce such believable bullshit! You are amazing

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