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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this financial abuse.

62 replies

ICanSeeTheSun · 29/03/2014 22:43

I have told DH he is not getting a new desktop.

It will cost over £1000 ( just on the tower)as he is a gamer, and it 'needs' to be a pc that can handle 3 eveonline accounts at 1 time with 3 seperate monitors.

We are in debt and I really don't want the plunge deeper.

Am I being financially abusive saying no to this.

This is he only enjoyment. He doesn't go out or drink, smoke, gamble. He does his fair share on childcare and will do housework if I ask of him ( I like doing housework so it very rare)

OP posts:

Monty27 · 30/03/2014 02:43

Tell him to take up a free hobby instead. YANBU.

AgaPanthers · 30/03/2014 03:59

£1k is nonsense.

What graphics card specifically does he need? Find out, bet we can find one.

You can build a PC for £200. Maybe a few quid more for a gaming one, but £1k is taking the piss.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 30/03/2014 05:19

Tell him to get another job (barwork, tescos) at the weekend to help you pay off the debt more quickly. It is financially abusive of him to put you further into debt & leave you worrying about paying it off.

TravellingToad · 30/03/2014 06:07

Post on here what graphics card he needs or what motherboard it has to be compatible with. I expect someone can help.

Tealady1983 · 30/03/2014 07:10

My dh is a gamer and this also is his only hobby. He gets all the las test consoles and games on pretty much release day BUT only of we can afford it and never on finance. He budgets accordingly to incorporate these cost so it's not a big hit all at once I think it's a lot of money to add onto your debt for a game.

CuppaSarah · 30/03/2014 08:33

Oh dear lord I know exactly how you feel OP. Took DD coming along for DP to close his two extra eve online accounts. I'm typing this on his souped up triple monitored gaming PC.

If you can't afford it, it's just tough luck, not financial abuse. Can you suggest he look for PC components that have a decent amount of future proofing and he can save up for them himself and buy them one at a time. That way he can spend a good couple years building it up and not have to worry about replacing things as soon as it's built.

He will get over his eve obsession sooner later though, I promise!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/03/2014 08:39

I don't think borrowing money to fund a hobby is ever a good idea. Only exception might be an interest free loan that you'll definitely be able to pay off in time.

Does your budget allow you both any spending money? He'll have to save that up.

ColdTeaAgain · 30/03/2014 09:36

Don't know much about the computer side of it but as others have said, I'm sure there must be far cheaper alternatives. He is behaving like an spoilt and selfish child tbh. If you are trying to get out of debt then neither one of you should be spending large amounts on non essential luxuries, that attitude will keep you firmly in the red.

Also think it's incredibly sad that he says a computer game is his "one and only enjoyment". I think a break from gaming is exactly what he needs!

FunkyBoldRibena · 30/03/2014 09:45

When explaining it to him, it's not just the £1000 it's the interest.

Sometimes you just have to give up your hobbies IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD THEM. Then go back to them when you can. Makes it more exciting that way.

Perhaps he could put his efforts spare time he will now have into a sideline mending PCs and use that money to fund his new PC?

RandomMess · 30/03/2014 09:45

If he gets a 2nd job to save up and buy is £1k tower he won't miss it as he won't have time to play

You are in debt he will just have to wait or make do with something much cheaper.

WottaTheOdds · 30/03/2014 10:22

Well I am going to go against the grain here. But first I have to say

a) I am USELESS with money so you could do better than listen to me

b) In the days when I had mountains of debt it was totally normal...it seems multiple bank loans and stacks of credit cards are less the norm these days (and probably a good thing too)

c) You are NOT being abusive, you are being cautious which is very understandable.

So having said all that, I am thinking maybe you could reconsider. Yes, in terms of food, drink, roof over head etc he doesn't NEED a new PC, but you both need to kick back sometimes and you need a contented husband. It sounds like you agree that this is a harmless pursuit from which he gets a lot of pleasure. It also sounds like he is a good' un on the DH front. And if you have no PC at home I am guessing a new one will benefit you all. You say you will be debt free in 32 months: well done (I could never see any light at the end of the tunnel and it was the stroke of absolute good fortune that I came out of it)....but is there anything magic about 32 months. Could you re-budget and agree to say 40 months? Or is there any other area at all where savings might be made?

As I said, I hesitate to offer my useless advice, but I do think there are a couple of options here.

Good luck!

Kelpie1975 · 30/03/2014 10:25

No, it's not financial abuse. Is he saying that?!

On the other hand, if he decides just to go and get one without your permission, I don't think you can stop him.

YouTheCat · 30/03/2014 10:27

3 Eve accounts is madness. Is he multiboxing? God I hate multiboxers.

Tell him to get a much cheaper computer (£300 maximum for a recon) and to drop 2 of the Eve accounts until things are more financially settled.

3littlefrogs · 30/03/2014 10:28

Gosh - he sounds like a child.

WottaTheOdds · 30/03/2014 10:29

Sorry I should RTFT: it didn't register that this was one of 3PCs.

I told you to ignore me!

BlackeyedSusan · 30/03/2014 10:30

sell the dishwasher and make him wash up?

BertieBotts · 30/03/2014 10:34

Erm, he's being ridiculous and no of course it isn't abuse.

Can't he look on ebay for a graphics card? It's really actually hugely unlikely that there is no reasonably priced graphics card available anywhere even second hand.

You're supposed to be in this together. I get that his hobby is important to him but you can't afford it at the moment. Does he have money issues in general?

You'd get out of debt quicker if he cancelled his 3 accounts (subscription fees) and then sold the remaining parts of his computer. Maybe even cancel the expensive high speed internet! It's a bummer but there's really no sense in spending out more money, getting more credit, for non essentials when you're in financial difficulty.

DH and I are gamers but no way would we expect to spend £1000 on a computer when things are tight. You make do with less power hungry games. A cheap computer and free/one off payment games for a while is fine. Or have a break from the computer games totally!

BertieBotts · 30/03/2014 10:38

And also, it's not "being taken away". I find this the most shocking part TBH. He sounds like a whiny child! (I'm sure he doesn't mean to) - You are not taking anything away, he had a hobby and now a part has broken down which means he can't use it. If he was a biker and needed a rare part/new bike then he'd have to have a break while he waited for the part to come along, this is the same. Just the "being taken away" part is immature. He needs to grow up. It's sad that he thinks it is his "one and only enjoyment" - er, what about you, the DC, other things in his life??

If he really is that obsessed that he can't live without it then I think this should be a BIG wake up call.

Original poster

ICanSeeTheSun · 30/03/2014 10:46

There is 1 pc in this house which was capable of running 3 screen interpendently.

Will have to look for a graphics card myself.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 30/03/2014 10:48

no of course not he is obviously oblivious to your financial situation you are taking charge as he is selfishly ignoring it , does he realise how much debt you are in

specialsubject · 30/03/2014 10:50

you're in debt so he can't have expensive toys. Most kids could cope with that.

Viviennemary · 30/03/2014 11:44

I am quite cautious about money and hate debt. But on the other hand I think when people work hard they do deserve some sort of reward and if that comes in the form of a computer for games then fine. But if that means you will have difficulty paying the mortgage and essential bills then no. I agree with suggestions of extra part-time work to pay for this extra.

Preciousbane · 30/03/2014 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clutterbugsmum · 30/03/2014 12:54

I don't believe for one minute it will cost £1000. My dh is a gamer and runs 3/4 screens from his pc and there is no way on earth he would spend that much on something for his computers/servers.

RIZZ0 · 30/03/2014 12:59

Financial abuse? This is an actual thing?

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