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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To get ex to pay me back?

65 replies

DomesticDisgrace · 29/03/2014 20:34

Myself and ex were together for 4 years, living together for 3 and having our DD after 2 years. In all this time, he never worked and any contributions made were tiny.

He did mind DD when I went back to work though so for a year and a half. In all this time I paid our rent, holidays, clothes, food, everything for DD etc. But always under the premise that we could switch roles eventually, when I was made redundant last summer instead of trying to find work he took to staying out drinking all night etc as he no longer had the responsibility of DD. I ended the relationship and he moved home (I had bought my home at this stage)
He paid fair maintenance every week (more than he would be obliged to if court ruled) and eventually found work too. During all of this we had many discussions about him paying me back (as we did during the relationship) and I brought it up today and he basically said he hoped I wouldn't want him to. After much discussion we said it's fair if he pays what half our rent was for two years, even though we lived together for longer than two years and I paid for an awful lot more than rent. This works out at 50 euro a week for 4 years and he has agreed but now that he has, I feel a bit guilty? AIBU?

OP posts:
DomesticDisgrace · 29/03/2014 20:54

I explained that woowoo, not splitting half of everything as I said above there's numerous things I covered excluding rent

OP posts:
SuperScrimper · 29/03/2014 20:55

Isn't running a tally!

puntasticusername · 29/03/2014 20:55

HE DID CHILDCARE. Yes, it was his child, but if he hadn't done it you would have had to pay a childcare provider, or not work yourself.

Sorry to shout, but really.

WooWooOwl · 29/03/2014 20:55

Why do you feel hard done by?

You weren't forced to live with and conceive a child with someone who you knew was out of work.

WorraLiberty · 29/03/2014 20:55

You are being so unreasonable I assumed this was a wind up

The fact it's not, just makes it bloody worse.

Emubaby · 29/03/2014 20:56

Yabvu

MollyHooper · 29/03/2014 20:58

It was a very odd agreement in the first place.

You should just drop this and concentrate on co-parenting your DD in a positive environment.

JennyOnAPlate · 29/03/2014 21:00

I've been a sahm for 6 years. Dh pays for everything. Are you saying that should we split up I should give him half the mortgage payments back dated to when I finished work?!

Yab absolutely ridiculous. Are you actually for real?!

ThatOtherTime · 29/03/2014 21:02

You can't possibly think retrospectively billing him for his rent is fair. Shock If he wasn't in the flat it would have still cost you the same.

DomesticDisgrace · 29/03/2014 21:03

God I don't know what to think of myself now Sad I'm normally quite reasonable and hadn't even thought about it or wanted it etc but seemed to just be taken over by bitterness last night trying to eek out money and it festered away until I brought it up today, fully convinced I was in the right. That's what's scary

OP posts:
MollyHooper · 29/03/2014 21:09

Don't beat yourself up, it sounds like it he was a childish arse when you were made redundant.

It's best to put the whole thing in the past now and move on. :)

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/03/2014 21:11

If this thread goes any other way than YABU, there should be a lot of worried SAHPs out there.

RandomMess · 29/03/2014 21:11

Nothing wrong in asking for the money for the months he wasn't looking after dd, as that seems to have been quite a lot of the time now I've re-read your post?

ThatOtherTime · 29/03/2014 21:11

I think you have put him in a very unfair position to have asked him to pay this money. He should pay maintenance and help pay for other things for your DD.

DomesticDisgrace · 29/03/2014 21:15

God I'm not making excuses but I suffer from really terrible pms and I'm due any day now, balling here like a total crackpot. Jeez I'm so embarrassed now even in the shop I volunteer today two of the women said I was dead right Blush I just feel like he used me and was happy to go along for the free ride but when I was stuck then he was off Sad

OP posts:
MuttonCadet · 29/03/2014 21:19

Of course you're being unreasonable.

The women in the shop were just being nice.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/03/2014 21:20

Yabu, completely u.
I'm not sure if you're on MN much, but every day there is a thread about sahp, usually the female. The responses are absolutely unanimous, and rightly so, one person brings home the cash, one brings up the children. It's a team effort. It is absolutely ridiculous to expect money from him.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/03/2014 21:21

How did you expect him to be earning any money when he was looking after your child full time?

edwinbear · 29/03/2014 21:22

Agree with him that the money will go in an account for your daughter.

MeepMeepVroooom · 29/03/2014 21:24

Don't worry about it. Irrational feelings can sometimes take over the best of us.

Draw a line under it. It's your past, leave it where it's meant to be. And have some Wine

Grin
DomesticDisgrace · 29/03/2014 21:27

Thank you meep Thanks

OP posts:
LizLemonOut · 29/03/2014 21:30

yes, sorry, yabu. if he wasn't giving you anything for dd now I would say go for everything you can get but he's doing the decent thing and working and paying you so I think you need to draw a line

HeartShapedStone · 29/03/2014 21:31

Since we had DS1, DP pays £500 per month more than me into the bills account, while I do the majority of the childcare and work PT. If we split up I wouldn't expect DP to try to recoup £250 per month for what he contributed over and above what I did, we'd be up to around £15k already.

If he's currently paying maintenance then he's doing his bit.

Fairy1303 · 29/03/2014 21:33

Agree with meep.

I'm a bloody irrational twat alot sometimes about my ex.

Don't worry about it. But do drop it.

MeepMeepVroooom · 29/03/2014 21:59

You're very welcome.