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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get ex to pay me back?

65 replies

DomesticDisgrace · 29/03/2014 20:34

Myself and ex were together for 4 years, living together for 3 and having our DD after 2 years. In all this time, he never worked and any contributions made were tiny.

He did mind DD when I went back to work though so for a year and a half. In all this time I paid our rent, holidays, clothes, food, everything for DD etc. But always under the premise that we could switch roles eventually, when I was made redundant last summer instead of trying to find work he took to staying out drinking all night etc as he no longer had the responsibility of DD. I ended the relationship and he moved home (I had bought my home at this stage)
He paid fair maintenance every week (more than he would be obliged to if court ruled) and eventually found work too. During all of this we had many discussions about him paying me back (as we did during the relationship) and I brought it up today and he basically said he hoped I wouldn't want him to. After much discussion we said it's fair if he pays what half our rent was for two years, even though we lived together for longer than two years and I paid for an awful lot more than rent. This works out at 50 euro a week for 4 years and he has agreed but now that he has, I feel a bit guilty? AIBU?

OP posts:

Jengnr · 30/03/2014 05:00

Wait a minute. I get that for the period he was the SAHP he shouldn't be liable but what about the two years prior to having children where he cocklodged with her?

Tbh I'd probably write that off but I don't blame you for wanting it OP

limon · 30/03/2014 06:24

Yabu, really, really strange! You were a couple!

ilovecolinfirth · 30/03/2014 08:40

YABU...very strange concept. Draw a line under it and move on.

HowContraryMary · 30/03/2014 08:45

You sound my BIL who when dumped invoiced the lucky lady for every meal and bunch of flowers he'd bought her over the six month period we never did find out her response

SigningGirl · 30/03/2014 08:54

Yeah, hang on a minute - I agree for the time he was SAHD then making him pay back would be unreasonable, but if they had fairly separate finances and the deal was always going to be that he paid a contribution for the 2 year period before children, where he was effectively living off her then that isn't so unreasonable.

If it is something that you had sprung on him, maybe not, but if it was something you had discussed throughout your relationship, that breakdown of relationship doesn't mean he shouldn't contribute to that.

MooncupMadness · 30/03/2014 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkdelight · 30/03/2014 09:18

signing that doesn't work unfortunately. If someone has a free ride for two years, contributing little and then OP has a child with him, she's endorsed his behaviour and can't later say he owes her for that period. How was she expecting him to contribute if she knew he didn't work? If they hasn't split up, would she really be billing him for that period? It's classic Judge Judy stuff and comes under the category of daft mistakes women make when they're in love. Sorry OP.

TeaAndALemonTart · 30/03/2014 09:24

Just phone him and tell him that you've had a re think and to forget it. It was VU tbh, the women in the shop were being polite but I personally wouldn't tell anyone else.

aquashiv · 30/03/2014 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HicDraconis · 30/03/2014 12:01

I don't think op is asking him to pay her for the time he cared for their daughter. She's asking him to contribute for the year they lived together before they had children and they've settled on a figure that equates to half their rent for 2 years. This is going to take him 4 years to pay back.

While they were living together for a year and he was at home doing sfa and contributing nothing (no children), why should he not owe her something? He's had a year's freeloading off her.

Once they had a daughter he was facilitating op earning so for those 2 years he was contributing. Had they stayed together he would now be contributing so the situation wouldn't have arisen. However, once OP could no longer afford to bankroll him it seems he was off. I'd be after some payback in that situation and feel very used.

I'm not sure it's as yabu clear cut as people have suggested.

WooWooOwl · 30/03/2014 12:32

If you want to go halves on rent, you don't move in with someone who is out of work and who you know has no means of paying his way.

People do have to take responsibility for stupid choices they make.

NurseyWursey · 30/03/2014 12:43

YABU but you've reacted brilliantly to being told so so good on you.

Buckteethjeff · 30/03/2014 12:45

Yes to woowoo

HappyMummyOfOne · 30/03/2014 14:04

Of course you cant back track ad ask him for the money. Broaching it in real life was a dafft mistake too, they will have agreed out of politeness whilst drawing their own conclusions about you.

If you chose to live with a partner who is not working, then you dont bill them when they leave. Dont get the term "cocklodger" either as plenty of women live with me and dont work yet dont get called similar.

I think you are way over obsessed with money. Didnt you start a thread re your new date and snacks at the cinema?

Anomaly · 30/03/2014 15:32

I think if you talked about him paying you back while in the relationship then I don't think yabu. I think its an odd situation but if he's willing to pay it why not?

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