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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

7 year old son of broken marriage

42 replies

nanna2006 · 29/03/2014 09:05

My daughter is devastated that her 7 year old son came out of school yesterday with a Mother's Day card for her and his father's wife. His father left my daughter when Max was 15 months old after 11 year relationship and 3 years married - for the woman he has now married. My daughter was heartbroken and the affair and break up was like a train crash. She's recovered and moved on and has always maintained a relationship for the sake of Max but this has hurt her deeply. How would you deal with this as her son was mortified and very angry that his mum was so upset and told her to get over it!!

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/03/2014 09:09

I can understand why she was upset by it.

But the little boy has known his step mum his entire life, the affair and hurt that caused your daughter is not relevant to him and I suppose it shouldn't be.

Your daughter is probably better off letting this go.

OwlCapone · 29/03/2014 09:13

A 7 year old boy told his mother to "get over it". Really??

OwlCapone · 29/03/2014 09:15

Is this posted purely to goad mothers and step mothers into a bun fight?

WaitMonkey · 29/03/2014 09:17

You might want to report your own post op, as it has your dgs name in it. Unless you're not bothered about being outed.

Unfortunately your dd will have to let this go. Your dgs obviously has a good relationship with his stepmother and you and your dd should be happy about that. It's a shame that the little boy noticed that his mum was upset. Though it must be very difficult she will have to move on. You sound a lovely and supportive mum.

kc77 · 29/03/2014 09:22

Your poor daughter, that must feel like a kick in the teeth :( maybe she could take heart in the fact that she has obviously done a great job in raising a generous and thoughtful little boy who didn't want anybody to be left out on mothers day x

OwlCapone · 29/03/2014 09:23

Thoughtful little boys do not tell their upset mother to "get over it"

MisForMumNotMaid · 29/03/2014 09:26

Ouch!

My XH left me for an affair after 11 years of marriage with a 1 yr old and disabled 3 yr old so I do get the emotion on this.

I think it is wrong to berate a young child for showing compassion and welcoming into HIS family. The step mum is legally and morally a part of his life and family. He no doubt will spend a chunk of his life in her company.

What does mum want him to be sad, bitter, angry at each one of his access visits? Of course not.

She has no doubt taught him what he knows about love and reciprocation. How little gestures or expressions of appreciation mean a lot. She has taught him to love with an open heart. These are wonderful lessons to have passed on.

She needs to apologise to her DS before this becomes a major issue. She could explain she'd never really thought about his step mum as a mum but she realises thats wrong and she's proud of what a lovely thoughtful boy he is becoming.

The reality is that this isn't a well thought out plan more a case of a teacher saying something PC like you can make cards for Granny or your carer etc because not all children are lucky enough to have their mums around let alone two mums to care for them. Her DS probably finished one quickly so went on to make another.

Its lovely that her DS is so open with her that he proudly showed off his artwork. Its lovely that he is a thoughtful boy. Its lovely that he talks about what he's been doing with her. She needs to gain strength from these points and learn the smile and nod when little sharp knives of emotion catch her off guard like this. She will always be the no.1 Mummy. No one, but her, can take away or undo all the love and strength she has instilled in her DC. That compassion he's showed in making a card has come from her.

There are so many potential ouch points especially when you're dumped with young DC. I love the return visits comments like 'Daddys buying us a garden full of toys at his shinny big new house'. With his wage and hers coming in whilst we struggle to turn the heating on and trawl car boots to put things by for Christmas.

She needs an outlet for the anger and to learn the smile nod, go to another room and punch a pillow. Come on here and vent, phone you when he's out of earshot and vent.

meditrina · 29/03/2014 09:31

There have been 5 or so Mothers Days since the split, and it sounds as if the stepmother has been around for most of them.

How has she coped in previous years?

I can understand the welling up of emotion. I can understand the need to vent. I can understand hiw some events cn be surprisingly strong triggers.

But have little to no sympathy with letting it all show to the child who is the middle.

Comeatmefam · 29/03/2014 09:33

If this is a real post, do please report as you have named your grandson and that's not fair on him or his mother/father/step mother.

I was forced to give my stepmother flowers on Mother's Day about 30 years ago and I have never forgotten it. I wish I had put my foot down (I was 15) and said no!

It's so hard to tell from one post whether he wanted to give the card, felt coerced, was asked by his dad etc etc...I can understand your daughter's feelings but she MUST put them aside for the sake of this poor kid who will now be feeling guilty, angry and confused.

Btw I can believe a 7 year old would say 'get over it'.

Iggi101 · 29/03/2014 09:34

She shouldn't have shown the upset she was feeling to her son. I think it is fine to make a card for a mum and a step-mum of long-standing. With thew diplomacy of an adult, you would maybe not show both cards to your mum, but he is 7.

gordyslovesheep · 29/03/2014 09:35

wow! Goady as a huge big bag a goadys this thread hey!

anyway as a woman who's husband of 10 years left her and 3 kids for the woman he now lives with I agree with her son

She may be hurt but he is trying to form a relationship with his dads partner - for HIS sake you man the fuck up, grit your teeth and say 'what a lovely card how kind of you'

she sounds a bit odd

Purplepoodle · 29/03/2014 09:36

I completely understand her upset but she should have hidden it much better. This other lady is his step mum so in a 7 year olds logic its only reasonable to make hera card too. She needs to say sorry to him for gettingupset and just explain she was being a silly. If he told her to get over it, im guessing this is not the first time she has made him feel uncomfortable about his dads family

gordyslovesheep · 29/03/2014 09:37

oh and welcome to MN

MisForMumNotMaid · 29/03/2014 09:38

The term 'get over it', might have come from the DS's dad/ step mum. If there is a lot of open bitterness discussed in front of the child.

My XH once said to me I needed to 'get over it'. I will never accept that his behaviour was okay. His life has moved on so much its suited him to forget his previous one. Its not that easy when you're left with the mess.

rookiemater · 29/03/2014 09:39

Poor boy, he didn't choose for his parents to break up and he didn't choose to have a step mum in his life. If he chose to make a card for both of them then I think that reflects rather well on him and shows him to be a thoughtful boy.

I know it must have been hard for your daughter, but she is an adult and should not have expressed anything about the cards in front of her DS.

OwlCapone · 29/03/2014 09:39

Btw I can believe a 7 year old would say 'get over it'.

Only once.

Unless they come from some shitty family where there are no manners or respect.

HighwayRat · 29/03/2014 09:39

Assuming you're not being a goady mc goader

I think that it is his choice at 7 whether he wants to make his dsm a card, and his dm had no right to be angry or upset at him for it.

kentishgirl · 29/03/2014 09:55

At school these days kids are rarely told to make a card for their mother, or their father on fathers day. They are told to make a card for someone they love, or someone special to them - because of complicated family set ups these days.

So your little boy made a card for you - his Mum - the most important person in his life.He also made a card for another woman who plays a role in his life and he is fond of. He could just as easily have come out with a card for Grandma, the lady who lives next door, his childminder...all sorts.

I understand the sting you felt, but try to look at it that way. He's a warm hearted little boy, and you are his one mum.

I'm a bit at his being so bloody rude to you though. But the emotion behind what he said was fair enough, from his point of view, you do need to get over this. A card shouldn't make you fall apart in front of him (even if you are a bit annoyed by it in private).

gordyslovesheep · 29/03/2014 09:58

The op is the granny, allegedly, not the mum

Maybe the son if fed up to the back teeth with the mums negativity - sounds like she happily shares her feeling of resentment with the poor sod

balia · 29/03/2014 10:03

After 4 YEARS she is still 'heartbroken' and unable to put her child's feelings and needs above her own?

Then she needs therapy.

I can understand the DS's reaction if she collapses into tears at the mention of his SM, he must feel like he is treading on eggshells constantly.

FudgefaceMcZ · 29/03/2014 10:03

Honestly, as a parent with children who have new stepmothers, this kind of thing you do just have to grit your teeth and learn to deal with. I get "D is really good at cooking" (compared to my mediocre efforts ), "D is so clever" etc etc, I just say "Yes, she's lovely" and let it wash over me. It's better that they like the new stepmum than have things be strained and miserable with her. I partly assume that when kids grow up they will realise how hard things were for the resident parent and appreciate that, but maybe they won't, who knows? There's nothing you can do about it, nothing she can do about it, but showing intense upset to the child will only create an environment where they feel they can't be honest. Just tell him it's kind of him to make cards for everyone, and try to do something special together on the day if she is with him, or if she isn't then take herself out for dinner or buy a treat or something- she has to care for herself as well as her child and can't expect the child to do this as he's too young, so she must take on the responsibility for giving herself appreciation as well as basic physical care.

kentishgirl · 29/03/2014 10:05

oops I missed that it was Granny posting. But what I said still applies to her daughter. It's understandable to be a bit put out, but dramatic upset is OTT and not good for the boy. And she needs to get some understanding about who kids make cards for these days to make it feel less personal.

Plus - it's best for the little boy if he has a good relationship with step mother. And the mother should support that. Even if it sticks in her craw (been there).

drnoitall · 29/03/2014 10:06

I imagine the break up was terribly painful.
However IMHO I would rather know about an affair, than be strung along, for your childs sake it's better he can't remember it.
It's not the sm fault either, it's the exh for being a lying cheating greedy dog.

I would be upset but.
The fact that he wants to send her a card demonstrates that he feels love and that can only be positive. If he was miserable and hated her, sure you may feel better on some level, but he would be unhappy, and that would hurt me more.
It's a sacrifice, an amount of his happiness for yours.
Most parents would accept it. It doesn't mean you have to like it, so you have every right to feel cheated, crappy, hurt, upset. But no good will come of it.

Rebecca2014 · 29/03/2014 10:07

Bloody hell a 7 year old telling you to get over it, how nice and compassionate.

I think he should have been raised with more respect to his elders. I would have been upset too but if the sm been in his life since he was a baby then...well he will see her as a second mum.

Comeatmefam · 29/03/2014 10:12

Ummm kids say 'get over it' in the same way we might have said 'forget about it' or 'stop talking about' ie it's modern parlance!

If he was angry, embarrassed and upset he lost his temper and said it!

How judgemental to say he must mean he's from a 'shitty' family or is disrespectful. He was angry and rightly so!

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