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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Mother's Day

36 replies

Shonajoy · 28/03/2014 15:05

Dh just texted that his brother A, has offered to take us all out to a very posh restaurant in town. He has said yes, and would love me to come.

I haven't spoken to A since he lost his temper on a family ski holiday and slapped dd who was 14 at the time, and don't like him at all. He apologised profusely to my dd but said nothing to me, and I've not seen him since.

Anyway, I texted back that I had hoped we'd do something nice (his mother has dementia very badly and has no idea what day it is or where she is,sadly, and is also becoming doubly incontinent), but said have a good time- I'm on a really limited diet I have been having flare ups of my IBS since my cancer surgery two years ago, and it's very limiting. Literally eat one bite and then run to the loo if it doesn't agree with me! I also said the kids were both up for it, but I'm not able to- I've missed so many family things through being unwell it's not unusual.

He just texted back "I knew I shouldn't have asked, all this family shit. I don't need more stress forget I even asked". He's obviously going, so I shall be on my own on Mother's Day, which is okay, but I'm a bit upset he said yes without consulting me, also since I got his mum a lovely sterling silver necklace with "mum" on it.

OP posts:
EyelinerQueen · 28/03/2014 15:07

Your DH's brother slapped your DD?? Shock

I wouldn't be in a room with him ever again. And I know my DP would be the same.

Your DH is BU.

Cocolepew · 28/03/2014 15:08

Your BIL slapped your DD? I would be more disappointed that my DH is even speaking to him.

Original poster
Shonajoy · 28/03/2014 15:09

Yep, that's why I haven't been in a room with him.

OP posts:
blanchedeveraux · 28/03/2014 15:10

This is really bad form. He's putting his brother before you and your DCs. It's not on, it really isn't.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/03/2014 15:10

Maybe he feels it is time amends were made, esp with his mother being so ill. Maybe he is sad that his mum won't know it's Mothers Day and he would like to find a bit of solidarity with his brother.

How long ago did he slap your DD - why did he slap her (not that anything would justify it).

I don't see what the fact that you got his mum a neckace has to do with it really.

ViviPru · 28/03/2014 15:12

His reply seems disproportionately aggressive and obstructive. Is he generally tolerant of your dietary limitations? Sounds like he's having a crap day and is allowing the ongoing dischord between you and his brother and perhaps a low-level frustration at the implications of your health concerns to get the better of him and behave unfairly.

The way forward would be to minimise the drama... Don't give him the argument he's clearly angling for that will allow him to vent his angst.

Original poster
Shonajoy · 28/03/2014 15:26

Yes it could be that he's trying to find solidarity, his brother is very odd though- very well off and thinks money solves everything.

I mentioned the necklace to emphasise that for the 21 years we have been married, I've always got her something, and he gives it to her. And also if he goes I won't see her being pleased about it. His parents live very near us, dd does their shopping once a week and we have them round at least twice a week for lunch/coffee.

I've never liked A, his brother, - they were all on a ski holiday when it happened. My dd was playing Jenga and was fooling around with one of the cousins when she toppled it, and one of the (small size) bricks hit him in the shin. He then slapped her hard, twice, on the face. I wasn't there as I'd just had surgery on my cruciate ligament- the thing is, I would have spoken to him about it had he phoned me, but nothing. Everyone loses their temper but not in my opinion to the extent of hitting someone else's child.

If I had done that I would have phoned the parent, family or not, and apologised to them also. The fact he's never done that, yet wants to carry on like nothing has happened upsets me. Dd was so shocked and embarrassed when it happened, and A's girlfriend kept saying "he's never done anything like this before" - great, so he hits my kids but not his own?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shonajoy · 28/03/2014 15:28

He slapped her six years ago. Dh is generally tolerant of my dietary issues but at home it's ok, I'd be nervous going out and that would make it worse.

OP posts:
Morgause · 28/03/2014 15:31

He has apologised to your DD. Has she accepted the apology?

I'm not sure why you think he should have phoned you. You weren't there, your DH and DD were. If they have forgiven him then I think you need to let it go as well.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/03/2014 15:35

Well, that is an unforgiveable reason for slapping her, what a tool.

However, maybe for the sake of your DH you should just try and move on now.

Blimey, you do well getting his mum over to you twice a week if she has very bad dementia -when my MIL had severe dementia she was far too anxious to leave the house and was certainly too ill not not be pleased about family rifts.

NatashaBee · 28/03/2014 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poppy67 · 28/03/2014 15:50

If the kids are happy to go, why don't you? I'm sure they could find you something to eat. Hopefully something really expensive if he's paying!

If your dd is happy to see Bil then maybe you need to be more civil.

CoffeeTea103 · 28/03/2014 15:51

If your dd and DH have moved on maybe you should too. It's been six years.

sunshinenanny · 28/03/2014 16:17

I feel you should have more support from your DH.

Slapping a child for such a stupid reason is bad enough! but twice and in your words hard. unforgivable!

Original poster
Shonajoy · 28/03/2014 16:26

It is somewhere really expensive, there are no kids invited. Just his mum and dad, me and hubby and his brother and fiancée. Dd drives so she brings granny round here and they bake and chat, it's nice.

Morgause, if someone slapped your 14 year old child in front of a whole group of people, I do think he should have phoned me. If MY child slapped someone in the same circumstances I'd have been making my child apologise, and also phoning the mum if she hadn't been there to apologise profusely. A 44 at the time year old man slapping a 14 year old child is assault in my book- he's damn lucky I wasn't there or I'd have involved the police.

I shall eat toast and make a cats bum face throughout. If we do get a moment in private, I will ask him politely for an apology. I won't be a drama queen and walk out if he doesn't, but I will then give up on him. He's doing all this because he's getting married this year- he asked his other brother to be best man and he refused. He's not the nicest of chaps.

I lost my mum when I was 22 and I love my MIL, I always love giving her presents, so I will get to see that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shonajoy · 28/03/2014 16:27

Sunshinenanny I know. I would have punched him. I really would have seen red and completely punched him.

OP posts:
ArtexMonkey · 28/03/2014 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5Foot5 · 28/03/2014 17:13

Wow! Just wow. He slapped your 14yo DD and your DH did not floor him on the spot? I just can't figure your DH out at all.

No definitely wouldn't be going. Stay at home and have a nice time with your DC. Your DH is being an arse.

LoonvanBoon · 28/03/2014 17:20

What artexmonkey said - with an extra fuck that.

Cocolepew · 28/03/2014 17:39

If anyone slapped any of my DDs, me or DH would floor them . Seriously wtf? Why on earth would you 'move on' from an adult physical assaulting a child.
Fuck the lot of them, ridiculous situation.

Bowlersarm · 28/03/2014 17:45

I shall eat toast and make a cats bum face throughout

Either go or don't go OP, but don't act like a petulant child if you do go.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/03/2014 17:46

I can understand your DH wanting to have dinner with his mum on Mother's Day. But not to the extent of excluding 'celebrating' his DW as the mother of his child by accepting an invitation that he knew you would not be comfortable with. And as a Celiac, I completely understand what it's like to worry about what may 'happen' after a meal!

To me, perhaps a compromise? He should take you & DD out tomorrow for a lovely meal and/or movie to celebrate YOU.

The issue of BiL slapping your DD all hinges on the true feelings of DD. If she has truly forgiven him (not just lip service to appease the family), then I think you should let it go. It would be hard for me, too. BUT, I would certainly keep contact to a minimum to avoid being around him!

And I do think a discussion is in order about accepting invitations on behalf of each other. DH and I never do that, no matter who the invitation came from.

ArtexMonkey · 28/03/2014 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Shonajoy · 28/03/2014 18:22

Thanks artex. I'm going to have my Mother's Day tomorrow with my kids, and go on Sunday. Dhs mum is really unwell so it should be about her this year.

I was joking about cats bum face- dear god you can't say anything jokingly on here. I shall go and be polite, and speak to him quietly and in an adult manner if I get the chance. I never understood dh not flooring him at the time of the incident, we've had many arguments over that one.

Thanks for your input x

OP posts:
BadgersNadgers · 28/03/2014 18:23

So he has arranged a meal that excludes your daughter on Mother's Day? I'd tell DH and BIL to fuck themselves and take DD on a spa day. If MIL doesn't know what day it is I'd have her round in the week and give her the present then.