AIBU? Mother's Day

[Shonajoy]

Dh just texted that his brother A, has offered to take us all out to a very posh restaurant in town. He has said yes, and would love me to come.

I haven't spoken to A since he lost his temper on a family ski holiday and slapped dd who was 14 at the time, and don't like him at all. He apologised profusely to my dd but said nothing to me, and I've not seen him since.

Anyway, I texted back that I had hoped we'd do something nice (his mother has dementia very badly and has no idea what day it is or where she is,sadly, and is also becoming doubly incontinent), but said have a good time- I'm on a really limited diet I have been having flare ups of my IBS since my cancer surgery two years ago, and it's very limiting. Literally eat one bite and then run to the loo if it doesn't agree with me! I also said the kids were both up for it, but I'm not able to- I've missed so many family things through being unwell it's not unusual.

He just texted back "I knew I shouldn't have asked, all this family shit. I don't need more stress forget I even asked". He's obviously going, so I shall be on my own on Mother's Day, which is okay, but I'm a bit upset he said yes without consulting me, also since I got his mum a lovely sterling silver necklace with "mum" on it.

Yes I did miss the bit about the (very obvious) reason for eating toast so apologies OP. I don't apologise for thinking if you are only going intent on the cats bum face, then don't go. You'll create a terrible atmosphere for all there, particularly bad for his mum who'll end up having a miserable linch. I agree with Morgause, you weren't there at the time of the slapping incident, and not sure why you wanted an apology phone call. Your dd and those present were due an apology, I doubt anyone thought he should be ringing you about it as well.

To be fair to me you didn't say you were joking about the cats bum face! How are people supposed to know what you mean unless you say what you mean....

My ds is only a baby so can't speak from parent perspective but if my uncle had hit me on the face I can say quite categorically that my parents would never see them again and if they did I would see it as a betrayal.

My cousin slapped my child when he was 10 (the child, not the cousin). he had toothache and couldn't stand the skylarking. I immediately froze him out, and thats the end of it. But the children do miss him and think he's fun and that I over reacted.

So your 14yo is now 20? IS she going out with the family and leaving you at home? Because if she's moved on then you are just using her as an excuse because you don't like A

Shonajoy, it does sound to me as if you are taking the high road and putting your MiL first. I think that's lovely. My own mum has early stages dementia and I know that every minute we have with her is precious, to her as well as to us.

I hope you have a lovely time, BiL not withstanding!

BIL can take DH out but don't feel need you need to apologise for having IBS. If DH wants to translate that as 'family shit' or more stress for him then he will. I don't care what Michelin star the planned venue has, BIL slapped your DD? twice?

Dd is 20 now, yes. She's made me breakfast in bed and we are going to chill out together today. She's really pleased she doesn't have to go, says it will be deadly boring (which it will).

I will go, as really it's MILs day, she's a sweetheart and even though she has dementia she will love the fact that all her children are there. Thanks for ALL your opinions, it's been great to see it from another perspective. Acrossthepond thankyou, that's really kind of you.

Does your MIL need help with her toileting needs? If so who is going to do that whilst you are out in this posh restaurant??

Maybe that's the reason they want you to go......

She says no, but she does really. I do usually go with her, but don't help physically. Just if we are out she can wander off.

So he has arranged a meal that excludes your daughter on Mother's Day? I'd tell DH and BIL to fuck themselves and take DD on a spa day. If MIL doesn't know what day it is I'd have her round in the week and give her the present then.

^This. I'm so sorry about your MIL but I say do actual Mother's Day with your daughter and see MIL another day as it won't make a difference to her but it will your daughter.

I have to say I'm disgusted with your DH, if my BIL slapped my DD my DH would rip him a new one then never speak to him again, not arrange child-free posh dinners on Mother's Day! Is he just very passive, because he doesn't sound like a nice person judging by the text he sent you?

PS I really really hope you haven't been asked to go to the meal because they know you will take her to the toilet etc. I find it a bit self indulgent that BIL feels the need to show off at a potash restaurant and not just visit his mum in the comforts of her home.