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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re: sense of entitlement?

105 replies

thebirthlyhallows · 28/03/2014 11:31

My DB and SIL do not have children nor do then plan or wish to in the future.

During a recent conversation SIL said that when she hits the menopause she should be allowed to take a 9 nine month break from work in order to do whatever she wants whilst receiving "pay" from the government.

I am currently on maternity leave with my first child and it is definitely not a "break" from work!

This makes me feel uneasy but I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. Why should she feel like she wants 9 months off work just because she has decided not to have children? Should men also be entitled to 9 months off if they decide not to give birth!?

AIBU to feel that she is being ridiculous? Has anyone else ever met anyone with the same view?

OP posts:
IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 29/03/2014 11:16

And can we please drop the /it's so hard work being a parent." It really isn't

I have a strong suspicion you'll be in the minority there with that belief.

So what if we choose it. We also choose to work and that's hard sometimes. But I forget no ones allowed to moan about having kids, now go back to reading your daily mail please.

MrsCakesPremonition · 29/03/2014 11:19

Listening to other peoples work issues is much, much more tedious than listening about their children.

MrsCakesPremonition · 29/03/2014 11:19

Listening to other peoples work issues is much, much more tedious than listening about their children.

Caitlin17 · 29/03/2014 11:21

Gosh go back and read the Daily Mail ! How fantastically witty and original. How long did it take you to come up with that?

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 29/03/2014 11:29

I do beg your pardon if have thought of something wittier but I was busy polishing the medal you so rightly deserve

Sundaedelight · 29/03/2014 11:34

After working hard for years, maternity leave was a JOY!

I loved every minute, yes it was busy and tiring, at times, but it wasn't "work".

Caitlin17 · 29/03/2014 11:43

Sundae I don't think you're allowed to say that. Work can never be as hard as childcare.

Ischippy no I'm not looking for a medal. You've rather missed the point there. It's very boring listening to parents going on about how hard it is being a parent; but if anyone is looking for a medal, well yes I suppose there could be a "valour in the field of nappy changing "struck.

horsetowater · 29/03/2014 11:47

Being a parent is just a different type of work. Like being a labourer is different to being an architect. It's still hard work, just a different kind of graft. And both would bore the pants off each other if they talked to each other about their jobs.

Caitlin17 · 29/03/2014 11:56

horsetowater you're absolutely right. The sil's comment was nonsense but there was so much over-egging of the pudding about children paying for her old age and how hard work it was I was almost beginning to sympathise.

Sil has however a valid point if she were considering whether there should be a right to have an unpaid sabbatical after say 15 years or similar.

HesterShaw · 29/03/2014 12:01

What Caitlin said.

I'm paying tax NOW. I'm supporting people's pensions NOW. The implication that I won't get the favour returned when I need it simply because I haven't procreated is fucking annoying and pretty insulting.

And gosh, some of you really aren't selling parenthood. I wonder why people do it so much if it really is the thankless, low status, boring, exhausting grind some of you keep telling us clueless childless ones it is.

HesterShaw · 29/03/2014 12:07

Not that I "won't" get the favour returned actually...

More like I shouldn't, or that I'll be very lucky to, or that I'm be "entitled".

Sundaedelight · 29/03/2014 12:12

Errr...Caitlin17, with all due respect I can say that and I stand by MY personal experience.

You have no idea what work I was doing and how emotionally, and physically to an extent, draining it was.

Maternity leave, for me, was a joy and no where near as exhausting.

Caitlin17 · 29/03/2014 12:16

Sundae I was being sarcastic having been told off for daring to suggest having a child wasn't half as bad as it was being made out to be.

I completely agree with you.

Sundaedelight · 29/03/2014 12:19

Apologies Caitlin17 - been dipping in and out so have missed the tone.

Blame it on the fact that I am exhausted from kids... Wink

juneau · 29/03/2014 12:24

Well, she's clearly being ridiculous, but then most people don't understand what's involved with child-rearing until they have to actually do it on very little sleep. I think I'd have encouraged her to look at whether her work-place offers sabbaticals to long-standing staff, as many big companies do after ten years or so. They usually encourage you to do something career-enhancing or 'worthwhile' with your time, but some don't stipulate that and others have very loose criteria. I know of a couple of people who've gone off travelling, while doing an intensive language course and/or volunteering in a developing country as part of their trip, which sounds great to me!

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 29/03/2014 12:31

Caitlin you didn't "dare to suggest"
You stated that having children isnt hard and you don't know why people said it was. Some people do find it hard and I don't think you're superior just because you don't. Lucky maybe.

I work part time and some days child care is a breeze compared to work. Sometimes after a sleepless night and evil challenging child I'm running into work next day for a break.

Anyway I've digressed, the point is the OPs SIL said a bit of a nobbish thing. Not because "children are soooo hard and she doesn't have a clue" (also a nobbish thing to say to a childless person) but because she compared it to having a holiday. She was clearly being bitter and provocative towards the OP

HesterShaw · 29/03/2014 12:40

I also dislike the constant use of the word "bitter" directed at childless women. How on earth do you know if someone you've heard about second hand on the internet is "bitter". Expressing an opinion that you disagree with does not make someone bitter.

NaughtySpottyBengalCat · 29/03/2014 13:06

May be if childless men and woman as well as parents got the choice of 2x 1 year break from work to be used for whatever they want during their working life the glass ceiling would start to disappear. It been 're lo t sad to see do many comments making out like children a 're a burden. Hard work, yes but ultimately a joy surely?

itsmeitscathy · 29/03/2014 13:30

Out of interest, if you were to go on Mat leave, pay a nanny full time and do whatever you wanted, would you still get the mat pay? I realise few people can afford to do this - but I'm just wondering if Mat leave must be used for, well, being maternal?
Not trying to be a pain and start a fight, I'm genuinely interested!

Caitlin17 · 29/03/2014 13:36

Of course you have the same maternity rights if you have a nanny.

Having a nanny has nothing to do with being maternal.

You can be a terrible mother with or without a nanny and all irrelevant to your rights to maternity leave and/or pay.

itsmeitscathy · 29/03/2014 16:56

I wasn't trying to say that Caitlin, it was play on words.
So what I'm saying is, you could have a child, get a nanny then do your world tour or whatever and still get mat leave and pay for it? Essentially, maternity leave is to have the baby but you can actually do what you like in that time?

Caitlin17 · 29/03/2014 17:32

Yes. It is a right which accrues due to your employment status not how maternal you are. You are entitled to have time off work after giving birth during which you are entitled to certain payments and the right to have your job held open for you. You are not being paid for looking after your baby.

Would you be asking this in relation to a mother who was in hospital or a mother who was suffering from such severe pnd she didn't even want to be with her baby?

Caitlin17 · 29/03/2014 17:48

itsmecathy sorry that was a bit harsh but maternity rights stem from employment status not the looking after the baby. You are still entitled to it even for a stillbirth or post-natal death.

ballinacup · 29/03/2014 20:22

Actually, I think your SIL is on to something. If childfree women and men got six months of paid holiday, then employers wouldn't be able to discriminate against employing women of childbearing age due to fear of them getting pregnant and going on mat leave.

zeezeek · 29/03/2014 21:03

I think, sometimes, it is not the fact that a woman has one maternity leave that causes the problem, but when it is one after another after another. It has a massive impact on a company/department/any work. I took 3 months after the birth of my first daughter - and that was only because I was ill. I was back at work 4 weeks after the second one. I had a 3 year research grant. There was no choice. So, at the risk of being flamed, a lot of the problems that women have in the workplace are brought on by women themselves. Is it fair that women that blatantly take the piss and get pregnant again shortly after returning from one ML are given the same respect and chances as those who remain at work and work their arses off and never have that length of time off?