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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be petrified at the thought of giving birth ever again.

73 replies

Billygoats · 27/03/2014 21:06

I had my dd 4 1/2 months ago and still feel haunted by the birth. I feel physically sick if I think back to any part of it including the recovery afterwards.

I had a relatively simple pregnancy with no complications so remained very positive about the whole experience and was very much at ease about child birth. Do not get Wrong I was not excited about delivery just not nervous at the same time. Both my DM and DGM had straight forward births so I think I expected a similar experience and didn't really pay attention to people I suspected of 'scaremongering'.

I had a loosely written birth plan as I was aware things don't always go to plan. My actual labour and birth were in my eyes awful, nothing was what I even imagined, I just felt like an inconvenience in the hospital. I went into labour 200 miles from home so gave birth in a totally different hospital to what I planned. Without going into every detail it was just truly horrible.

I feel I may have watched far too much obem where the ladies are settled into a room with their partners for their labour, whereas I was told to keep the noise down and tret like I was being a nuisance. They also don't show you how horrendous recovery is and what a miserable time it is, from sore stitches to piles to constipation . I truly feel like I will never be able to go through that experience again, I'm yet to pluck up the courage to even be intimate again let alone give birth.

Aibu to think I will never be able to psychologically get through 9 months knowing I could have a similar experience or face another dreaded episitomy. I'm panicking already and I have several years yet. How long did It take you all to feel at ease again after childbirth?

OP posts:
SummerRain · 27/03/2014 23:17

BornFree, I read the OP:

Both my DM and DGM had straight forward births so I think I expected a similar experience and didn't really pay attention to people I suspected of 'scaremongering'

A lot of women are accused of 'scaremongering' for simply stating the realities of their experience. How often are there threads on MN berating women for giving truthful accounts of birth to expectant mothers because 'it will scare them'?

I would imagine the OPs relatives had perfectly ordinary births but simply didn't go in to detail about what that entailed. Ordinary births include episiotomies, c-sections, tearing, blood loss, at least some pain (even if you have an epidural you have to go through a certain amount of labour without it)

They also don't show you how horrendous recovery is and what a miserable time it is, from sore stitches to piles to constipation

Again, yes, they do tell you this beforehand... in magazines, on the internet, in forums, in rl.... most women do know before birth that the recovery can be rough. I knew about stitches after birth since I was a teenager... it was common knowledge then, and still is, that a large percentage of women end up with stitches. Most women go in expecting stitches and recovery time as they have heard about it from female relatives and friends. But some women don't want to hear the less pleasant details beforehand and accuse others of 'scaremongering', that's fine, no-one has to listen to anything they don't want to. But you can't then turn around and state 'nobody told me!'.

I'm sorry you had a rough experience OP, I genuinely think some of the trauma you suffered stems from expectations which were not realised. The media has a lot to answer for in that sense, birth is so often depicted as a nice clean sterile event in which a mother with perfect hair makes a few pained expressions and produces a baby and is then up and about and back to normal by the next episode. Or in the case of OBEM, which you mentioned, where all the really gory stuff is edited out and the birth ends with the baby being cuddled by the mother (have they ever shown a woman being stitched up, delivering the placenta or suffering afterpains?)

I've read so many of these threads and it's really sad how many women are so badly affected by childbirth and I do feel expectations play a large part in this. The loss of control, the pain and sheer messiness of the process, the painful after affects are shocking even if you were expecting them, I can imagine if you weren't expecting them they would knock you sideways. My point above was that you need to manage you expectations if you do decide to go for a second, consider all the potential outcomes and decide whether you think they would be worth going through, ask women to tell you their experiences and listen to what they tell you. Very few women embellish birth stories, especially not to scare others. Why would a woman choose to scaremonger to another woman about birth?

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 27/03/2014 23:17

Once your fanny has stretched once it is usually far easier second time round. It was for EVERYONE I know. There will be Internet folk who tell you otherwise but generally speaking second babies are faster and easier to birth Thanks

chattychattyboomba · 27/03/2014 23:22

Pobble- sounding more and more like my birth! Only it was followed by retained placenta removed in theatre.
Hope you have a better experience this time.

NearTheWindymill · 27/03/2014 23:23

SummerRain would you like me to hold your shovel for you?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/03/2014 23:26

Thanks chatty!

Luckily I didn't have to go to theatre. My placenta eventually delivered after being catheterised and several injections as nothing happened. It was pretty horrendous.

Then they kept me in overnight only to be ignored by the mw's. DS didn't feed for 12 hours as I couldn't get him to latch and no one would help me.

SummerRain · 27/03/2014 23:26

Oh, and to the people who suggested my births were nice hippy affairs where everything went well. No they weren't, I purposefully deleted anything I wrote relating to my own births as quite honestly the op and others here who had a rough time would never want to give birth again after hearing some of what went on.

My babies and I survived mostly in one piece, that's all I could have hoped for.

As someone above pointed out the human female isn't particularly well designed for birth, as a result the unfortunate fact is we undergo a lot of pain and often intervention to give birth. Those are the expectations I'm referring to.

chattychattyboomba · 27/03/2014 23:30

Omg pobble! The injections! I had 3... They didn't work so they preceded to shove their hands up to elbows and try to manually remove with no pain relief whatsoever. Chord snapped... Lost so much blood. No available anaesthetists...3 hours of sheer excruciating pain begging them to knock me out. DH eventually screamed at them to leave me alone and just take me to theatre like they had suggested hours ago.
Definitely not having the injections this time around!!!

chattychattyboomba · 27/03/2014 23:31

Sorry don't mean to derail. Just happy to meet someone with similar experience. Hope I haven't scared anyone.

breatheslowly · 27/03/2014 23:32

SummerRain - it really isn't about managing expectations for many women. It is about poor care, inadequate resourcing and sheer bad luck.

I read all the books, went to classes etc. but my experience was still worse than any information I could have obtained. I ended up with nerve damage which left me dragging one leg around and unable to independently care for my DD for 6 weeks. Was I expecting that? No, no one I have ever met had the same experience, it isn't in the books either.

I had various other problems afterwards, I don't think the OP needs the gory details here, but in all if the "look at the terrible complications from CS", the risks of VB weren't really highlighted and to find anyone with a similar birth story, I seem to have to go to distant relatives or friends of friends. So forgive me for not expecting this experience, I didn't have access to anyone with similar experiences to draw on.

NearTheWindymill · 27/03/2014 23:33

SummerRain I am sorry if you have been misinterpreted. It sounds as if you have issues that aren't fully resolved. I think we all write the occasional post that is misinterpreted. I'm sure most people would be supportive.

I genuinely didn't know how hard the post partum period and feeding would be to be honest - or how worn out and tired I would feel.

wherethewildthingis · 27/03/2014 23:42

Summerrain, from your second post I think I understand you better, and I think I kind of agree with you, it is definitely true that media/nct/midwives pretend birth will be something it isn't, and that really isn't helpful. They should be more honest about how.many births actually end in a surgical intervention. In that sense, yes, all of our expectations are wrong.

GoshAnneGorilla · 27/03/2014 23:51

It doesn't help when you have midwives (who've never given birth themselves) on OBEM proclaim that pain "can be a bonding" experience for the couple. Not if it's pain you don't want and find incredibly distressing, it isn't. Hmm

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 27/03/2014 23:54

Having read you OP (and none of the rest of the thread, I admit, so nuke me Grin ) I can only say that the birth of my first baby was the single most horrendous experience of my entire life. It wasn't even a "difficult" birth as such, compared to what some people go through, but it has totally affected our relationship ever since, and I still block out parts of it that are just too painful to remember Confused
That said though, I went on to have four more children - there are four years between DC1 and DC2 and I was terrified throughout my second pregnancy because I was convinced the birth would be a total nightmare like the first, but it wasn't. And each one was different, but none of the subsequent ones, after the first, were anywhere near as bad, honestly.
Time heals is trite but true, and well, once my second child was on the way, there was nothing to be done but grit my teeth and get on with it, and after being so afraid, it was so much easier than I'd thought it would be. I wouldn't say I ever actually enjoyed the birth process, but it was never, ever "bad" after the first one, and if I'd let the bad time with my pfb stop me, I'd never have had any more children and as much as I rant that they drive me mad I think I would have regretted that.

SummerRain · 27/03/2014 23:55

breathslowly, you're right; lack of resources certainly affect far too many women in childbirth, as do HCPs with frankly appalling bedside manners. Where I live homebirth isn't even an option and hospital mws are frequently narrow minded women educated in the 'on her back with stirrups' era of midwifery.

That's something you can't prepare for as such, and it's difficult when you're in such a vulnerable position to brush off certain comments. And that is certainly something that needs to change.

It's true as well that there are just some experiences which can't be anticipated, my friend suffered a ruptured aorta during labour... there are very few women alive on this planet who went through what she did and it certainly wasn't something she could have prepared for. Some situations are just so unusual and so horrifying they can not be foreseen or planned for, but that is true across the board, not just relating to birth. Anyone who's been in a horrific accident, or suffered due to an unusual or appalling health issue can testify to the fact that some experiences can not and should not be part of anyone's expectations. There will always be some truly unfortunate women who go through experiences that won't ever be mentioned in a book or experienced by anyone else.

But I honestly think when it comes to birth more effort should be made to ensure women are aware that episiotomies, forceps, caesarians, resuscitation and SCBU units are unfortunately a very real possibility in any birth.

LatinForTelly · 27/03/2014 23:55

See I had a pretty textbook, natural first birth. I was buoyed up by hypnobirthing and NCT classes and wasn't scared, even when maybe I should have been. (I had to have medical intervention afterwards.)

Afterwards though, I was very frightened of getting pregnant again. Really scared. I remember thinking that everyone tells you that you will forget the pain, and you don't.

Then at the end of my second pregnancy, DC2 was diagnosed as being very small and in distress. I was to be induced the following day. I was terrified. I remember crying on any and every midwife I saw. (I spent the night in hospital for DC2 to be monitored.)

But, it was ok, it really was. It was much more medicalised, and I had more pain relief, but it was fine. In fact I came out of it thinking that I could do it quite easily again.

Thing is, you don't know what a second birth will be like, but it is quite likely [scientific] to be easier than your first.

I hope I'm not being insensitive, and I know there are no guarantees, but there is a very moving bit of Caitlin Moran's book 'How to be a woman' where she describes the difference between her first and second children's births. It might help you.

SummerRain · 27/03/2014 23:58

Near and where, it's ok... I didn't express myself very well in my first post and reading it back I came across far too dismissive of the OP. I was typing in a rush and really should have reworded some of it before posting.

1944girl · 28/03/2014 00:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 28/03/2014 01:49

i hated it and by the time i was on dc3 i'd developed a bit of a terror of giving birth. the lights in the room made me nervous, the midwife who got arsey with me for accidentally puking on the floor made me nervous, the fact that i couldn't have an epidural... i agree with everyone who's said no matter how straightforward on paper, how can childbirth, of all things, feel straightforward to the woman who's experiencing it! i look back and laugh now but i know it really affects a lot of women and you never have to do it again if you don't want to (and if you do, you'll manage like you already have!).

blueballoon79 · 28/03/2014 06:42

I had two traumatic births. DS was premature and spent three months in SCBU. Twice I was told he was going to die. He didn't though and after a long and harrowing hospital stay he finally came home. He was left disabled as a result of the premature birth.

My daughter wasn't premature, I went overdue. There was no risk to her health and most people wonder why it's her birth that traumatised me the most. It was because of the way I was treated whilst having her.
I'm sorry but I can't share what happened as I need to go to work soon and going through it all puts me in a bad place.

I went to see a GP six months after my daughter was born and explained I was having flashbacks and nightmares about her birth and that I felt so angry all the time. She told me I was lucky to have a healthy baby and to stop thinking about it.

I ended up funding my own counselling and saw someone who specialised in birth trauma. Now I don't have panic attacks anymore when I see programmes with women in labour and I can discuss birth. I still end up anxious and upset though. I don't think that will ever go away.

I'm sorry to hear so many other women have been through similar. May I add that the worst thing for me was having my experience discounted or being told it can't have been that bad or asked what did I expect birth to be like?

I expected to be treated like a human being, with compassion and empathy, instead I was brutalised, humiliated and ridiculed.

I really recommend counselling. It helped me understand that it wasn't my fault and helped me let go of a lot of the unbearable emotions I was experiencing.

traininthedistance · 28/03/2014 14:24

SummerRain I still think you're not quite getting why some people are so angry at your post. For many women it isn't about unrealistic expectations and not knowing that they might have stitches, etc.: far too many women experience poor care and to suggest that their trauma is a result of misaligned expectations (this is also a now discredited theory of birth trauma/PND/baby blues, by the way) is to make women feel responsible for the things that have happened to them - something hospitals and HCPs are already very good at.

In my case I was perfectly aware of episiotomies, forceps etc. (I'd grown up in a house with copies of Mayes' Midwifery lying about). I was not prepared for being left alone for hours in the middle of the night in extreme pain, with hypertonic contractions, in a dining room, after a midwife had mistakenly administered a bigger dose of prostin gel than she should have, and then had refused to examine or assess me, claiming I was not in labour and was only suffering from prostin pains and should go back to bed.
Afterwards I felt far more traumatised by that than by the emergency forceps intervention at the end - unsurprising since (as someone else has pointed out on the thread), research shows that trauma such as PTSD or birth trauma is very often related to a perception of being helpless or not being listened to during an extreme experience, and is not particularly linked to any kind of "expectations" someone might have had about the experience.

HowYaLikeThemApples · 28/03/2014 14:43

I've got 4 DC's. The last two births weren't too bad, the first two were absolutely bloody awful and I will never forget them. The horror of those two experiences unfortunately still outshine the better experiences of my final two births, despite the amount of time that has gone by. Sadly for me, most of the reasons behind the dreadful memories are due to the way I was treated by the midwives, as a whiny, inconvenient nuisance who was stopping them from getting their tea and toast. Luckily my DH managed to persuade them to get back into the room in time to catch my DS.

breatheslowly · 28/03/2014 15:44

I found that the birth debrief I had was a load of arse covering "I'm sorry you perceived it like that, but it wasn't the case at all". When DH and I both remembered the same poor care, it seemed unlikely to me that it was just our perceptions. Independent, specialist counselling was much better.

RedToothBrush · 28/03/2014 16:55

Anyone who uses the argument "you should be prepared to loose your dignity" deserves a slap. A hard one. Its no more than justification for unacceptable behaviour.

Its actually HCP responsibility to do everything they can to maintain the dignity of their patients. Its a Human Right. One that seems to be forgotten in maternity. Yes, you might have certain bodily functions and parts that you might not wish to share with others, but the point of compassionate care is to make anyone in this situation not feel as if they have lost their dignity, by their manner and respectful treatment.

Being Treated with Respect is also enshrined into the NHS's duty of care.

"whereas I was told to keep the noise down and tret like I was being a nuisance" is categorically NOT treating someone with respect.

In terms of expectations, I actually have a lot of sympathy for women like the OP who have mothers and grandmothers who have straightforward births. I think this does make you much more likely to assume that your experience will be similar.

In fact, the converse is recognised as potentially being a problem. There are women who have family histories of bad births or were exposed to family members saying how bad birth was from an early age can be so scared of birth that they ask for ELCS and may well be given one as a result.

This is not because there is any heredity indication of how your birth will go, but because psychologically we identify and associate ourselves with our immediate family members experiences because they are 'more real' and more powerful influences than other sources of information. (Incidentally for anyone wondering, no research has ever been able to make a correlation between birth experiences of past and present generations. So if your mother had a bad experience, its no guarantee you will have one and vice versa).

I therefore think the OP not paying attention to people she suspected of 'scaremongering' as a very understandable and forgivable attitude. One that we should recognise as being important in understanding how one person's expectations might differ from another's.

I therefore think Summer's very critical attitude of the OP, is very wrong and very naive and lacks this understanding of contextual psychologically. It only smacks of the real lack of understanding of how women prepare themselves mentally for birth.

I also think her tones of 'suck it up' give licence for healthcare professionals to abdicate their responsibilities.

I also have read a great many of these threads, and the overwhelming conclusion I came to a long time ago, was never that pain was the main problem to women who found childbirth a traumatic experience. Over and over again, it came down to the attitude of staff, the lack of respect for women, not listening to women, belittling women, unsympathetic attitudes and lack of communication (especially when things were going wrong).

Women who felt cared for and well treated in 'bad situations' were much better equipped to deal with their experience and recovery, simply because they were not treated as a piece of meat, but a human with feelings that needed to be attended to at the time and after the event.

In cases where pain was an issue, it seemed to be as much about whether someone was actively denied access to pain relief and again the attitude of staff treating them when asking for pain relief that was as important as the lack of relief.

OP, give yourself time and take the wonderful advice of many of the wonderful posts on this thread. Your circumstances are sadly far more common than you think. There are ways to discuss future births BEFORE you get pregnant. It does depend on where you are in the country and sometimes the attitude of the people you come across when trying to access this support but it does exist. There are a range of different options.

There is no 'right answer' - a few people on this thread have suggested an ELCS, but many others find another VB a healing experience if they are treated with the support they were denied previously. More than anything though, identifying yourself as early as you can as someone who needs this support is the key to finding whats right for you.

Anxiety over child birth is a real issue and is only just beginning to get the recognition it merits. There are many who are still ignorant about it, but increasingly there are more and more people who are aware of it. Despite all the doom and gloom over the NHS at the moment, you are more likely to be taken seriously and get the support you need than even 5 or 6 years ago.

Good luck.

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