To be petrified at the thought of giving birth ever again.

[Billygoats]

I had my dd 4 1/2 months ago and still feel haunted by the birth. I feel physically sick if I think back to any part of it including the recovery afterwards.

I had a relatively simple pregnancy with no complications so remained very positive about the whole experience and was very much at ease about child birth. Do not get Wrong I was not excited about delivery just not nervous at the same time. Both my DM and DGM had straight forward births so I think I expected a similar experience and didn't really pay attention to people I suspected of 'scaremongering'.

I had a loosely written birth plan as I was aware things don't always go to plan. My actual labour and birth were in my eyes awful, nothing was what I even imagined, I just felt like an inconvenience in the hospital. I went into labour 200 miles from home so gave birth in a totally different hospital to what I planned. Without going into every detail it was just truly horrible.

I feel I may have watched far too much obem where the ladies are settled into a room with their partners for their labour, whereas I was told to keep the noise down and tret like I was being a nuisance. They also don't show you how horrendous recovery is and what a miserable time it is, from sore stitches to piles to constipation . I truly feel like I will never be able to go through that experience again, I'm yet to pluck up the courage to even be intimate again let alone give birth.

Aibu to think I will never be able to psychologically get through 9 months knowing I could have a similar experience or face another dreaded episitomy. I'm panicking already and I have several years yet. How long did It take you all to feel at ease again after childbirth?

I feel the same as Ronmione.

Giving birth to ds1 was the most traumatic day of my life. I found the whole process frightening and horrific. My first words to DH after he was born were "I'm not going through that again". At the time, I meant them.

Then my broodiness and desire to have a baby eclipsed that feeling. It took just over a year for my feelings to do a u-turn.

Then, ds3 was born just over four years after ds1.

I don't know how you will feel OP, whether you will be able to go through it again. But in my case the thought of never having another baby and the broodiness that overwhelmed me, eclipsed the fear of giving birth again.

I had a back to back labour with ds1. Was in pain for a very long time, left on a public ward, trying to be quiet with a curtain between me and people's visitors. I vomited there after gas and air, was given pethidine there without being properly asked permission, had a midwife who laughed and said "God knows what you'll be like when you are actually in labour". Eventually got to a labour room and was given an epidural. (I was the only woman in labour - it was a public holiday)

The overwhelming relief of being private was unbelievable and I think I could have coped a lot better with the pain had I been given privacy. And then, the heart beat started disappearing and the midwife insisted it was just a problem with the belt. Straightened it up sent DH for a sandwich and went to get herself one - happened again and I couldn't reach the button - DH reappeared and she came back and blamed it on the belt again. I desperately wanted to push and she said don't be silly you were only 1/2cm 30 minutes ago. Anyway I was fully dilated and she had to accept the baby was on its way and I pushed for about half an hour with the heartbeat coming and going. She made another excuse about the belt and DH just went to the door and yelled I want a doctor in here right now. Thank God he did because actually the baby was being strangled by the cord. In seconds there were about 10 people in the room - the registrar announced baby back to back and said something like that explains the pain you've been in and gave me time for two more pushes whilst he got the forceps ready - meanwhile I was hauled onto a birthing cushion/stool for optimum gravity and the head midwife cut the cord whilst ds was still up there - there was no time for a section. I don't know how, but I managed to push ds out on two contractions and avoided the forceps. He was bright blue and took several minutes to resuscitate and spent the rest of the night in SCBU. Not a difficult birth but it was very distressing and what happened was entirely avoidable had the care been better - the unit was very quiet - I think there were more midwives than patients.

I remember being pleased because I managed it on my own and without stitches - first baby, 8.5 hours. It only dawned on me weeks/months later what an absolute nightmare it had been and I never really worked it through. Sadly our second son was born a little too soon and in spite of excellent care nothing could have been done to save him.

You can perhaps imagine the state I was in during my third pregnancy which was unplanned and went beyond full term. 51 weeks later OP I had a perfect, pink, fat baby girl in about two hours flat. It was a wonderful labour and a wonderful ending and I was cared for from start to finish. It was also very very healing both physically and emotionally.

My DC are 19 and nearly 16 now. I still look at my daughter sometimes and have to swallow down emotion because I love her so much and am so proud of her (not that that isn't the case for DS1). It can turn out right in the end OP and it can much much more than worth it.

Please get some support to get you through this and don't let it eat away at you because the joys that might lie ahead are likely to be worth so much more than this.

hugs

I had 3 bad births all for different reasons, and got lucky with my 4th which was very straightforward. The first ended in a C-section after hours of no progress, the second was a straightforward labour nd birth but premature and DS2 was in SCBU and ITU, the third a very fast labour, big baby, cord wrapped around his neck and horrendous episiotomy which was 10 x more painful than the Csection. You do forget over time though, well I must have done to have 4 ! I think each time I just hoped things would be better.

I'm expecting DC.2 and I'm terrified of giving birth again. I hated being in labour, it was excruciating. I barely had a gap between contractions, it was all too intense and after the birth I haemorrhaged and went home anaemic and feeling like I'd been hit by a bus. I was so pale DH says I was grey. It took ages for me to recover.

Yet this one has to come out somehow, and it scares the life out of me! I want more control this time, but I don't know how.

*Everyone knows child birth is painful.

It doesn't have to be humiliating*

Yes yes yes! No person being admitted to hospital should ever be made to feel that they are silly or a nuisance. Luckily I had 2 very good midwives during labour (a trainee and a head midwife) but the recovery midwives were utter knob heads. I had a third degree tear and lost 3.5 pints of blood after giving birth so I could barely sit up without wanting to pass out. When they moved me to a ward, my 2 lovely midwives had disappeared and another one came and said "you can walk there, yes?". When I told her "no, if I stand up I'll pass out and I've had a third degree tear so can't even close my legs" and she rolled her eyes and made a big deal of getting a wheelchair for me. I felt like a naughty child and, whilst I understand they are understaffed and pressured, I believe there is no excuse for this appalling treatment.

And I honestly have never met a woman who is surprised that she "didn't just sneeze the baby out." What a nobbish comment

So sorry you had such a bad experience, OP.

I have given birth twice and although the first time was relatively straightforward I was much more anxious about it during my second pregnancy. I think it's because I knew what was coming! Never felt pain like it and hope never to again. What I am saying is that I was pretty scared of the second time even after getting off relatively lightly first time, so I can't begin to imagine how you must feel having had such an awful first delivery. My second was just as painful, I would say, but much much quicker so I didn't get exhausted or dehydrated, which made a huge difference to my recovery as well. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Despite all the less than pleasant elements it can be a hugely positive experience if you're honest and realistic about the process from the start... you aren't going to stroll in, be waited on hand and foot and sneeze out a baby. It takes effort, a certain amount of pain, and things very rarely go to plan

Did you read the OP Summer?

• I want more control this time, but I don't know how .

Uusally from birth center, home birth or conversely ELC.

And, you know what. You can put your foot down. You can ask to speak to the midwifery sister of head midwife and explain what happened last time and ask how it can be prevented this time.

One thing I did insist on with dd was seeing a doctor at the beginning of labour to have the position checked and even nearly 16 years ago they had a portable scanner on the labour ward to check for the position of the baby and make sure the cord wasn't wrapped round her neck. Had she not been in an optimum position and had there been a problem with the cord I would have insisted on a section. Why a quick scan to check isn't routine in this day and age I simply do not understand.

But you know what after my pretty awful previous experiences - I pretty much did stroll in with dd, felt like I was waited on hand and foot, was cared for by a wonderful midwife from Senegal who gave me a bed bath and brushed my hair afterwards and actually pretty much did sneeze the baby out.

So there SummerRain.

Have you looked on the birth trauma associAtion website op? I think you'd find it really helpful.

I only have one child. A traumatic birth is not the only reason for that, but it's certainly not an insignificant one. And I really like having only one child - by which I mean to say that a second birth isn't inevitable. It's not something you have to worry about today. You can put that to one side for a while. Go back and examine your feelings again in a couple of months. Maybe then you'd want to speak to your GP, or look at your notes. Or not. Maybe you put it back down for a while, until the feelings are more manageable.

You truly don't have to limit the size of your family because of your first birth. But equally you don't have to deal with it today. Give yourself time, let yourself heal. X

it doesn't sound like you had a bad birth as such

Who gets Birth Trauma?

<strong>Birth trauma is in the eye of the beholder</strong>

Cheryl Beck (Nursing Research January/February 2004 Vol 53, No.1)

op Do not let anyone tell you, whether you had a good or bad birth.

No one can judge that for you except you and anyone who thinks they can should be told to bugger off.

It is clear that some women experience events during childbirth (as well as in pregnancy or immediately after birth) that would traumatise any normal person.
For other women, it is not always the sensational or dramatic events that trigger childbirth trauma but other factors such as loss of control, loss of dignity, the hostile or difficult attitudes of the people around them, feelings of not being heard or the absence of informed consent to medical procedures.

Research into the area is limited and, to date, it has largely focused on the importance of the type of delivery. It is clear however, that there are risk factors for Post Natal PTSD which include a very complicated mix of objective (e.g. the type of delivery) and subjective (e.g. feelings of loss of control) factors. They include:

Lengthy labour or short and very painful labour
Induction
Poor pain relief
Feelings of loss of control
High levels of medical intervention
Traumatic or emergency deliveries, e.g. emergency caesarean section
Impersonal treatment or problems with the staff attitudes
Not being listened to
Lack of information or explanation
Lack of privacy and dignity
Fear for baby's safety
Stillbirth
Birth of a damaged baby (a disability resulting from birth trauma)
Baby’s stay in SCBU/NICU
Poor postnatal care
Previous trauma (for example, in childhood, with a previous birth or domestic violence)

In addition, many women who do not have PTSD, suffer from some of the symptoms of PTSD after undergoing difficult birth experiences and this can cause them genuine and long-lasting distress. These women are also in need of support.

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/what_is_trauma.htm

Thankfully the experts in this field recognise that every woman is different and what may be a horror story to one, is simply par for the course to another.

windy I think you may have just described my experience in your post. It was so very similar, except I wasn't monitored or checked for 5 hours so they were unaware my baby was distressed.

Thankyou for all your lovely posts, I am realising I may need to discuss this with someone who may be able to help further.

I had absolutely no dignity trotting round with my bum on show, legs akimbo in stirrups with a room full of doctors and paediatricians but that really was the least of my issues so I find it quite insulting. That really was not my issue.

YANBU it's a singularly traumatic experience for a lot of women. Time does heal, and (hopefully!) nobody is forcing you to have another baby before you're ready. Just take each day as it comes, and know that it's ok to go slow and not be pressured into doing anything you don't want to. It's your body.

Logistics of birth my arse. Facts: bipedalism, narrow pelvis and human brain evolution mean that human labour is among the most dangerous of all mammals.
Many, many women the world over still die in childbirth.In the UK, one in three first labours ends in a section whether planned or emergency.
This competitive crap about labour being a natural process, and you can prepare for it, and blah blah blah annoys me so much. It is very painful and very dangerous. Women should be honest about this. If you get a "good" birth, you are lucky, that's all.
OP, make sure you get good, consultant led care throughout your next pregnancy and good luck to you, and don't listen to anyone who suggests you are somehow to blame for this

f you get a "good" birth, you are lucky, that's all

^ totally.

You're not alone OP - I had a horrendous birth last year with my DD and despite a birth debrief and a few counselling sessions I still don't think I've even touched on how much it's affected me (the birth included a botched induction which caused hypertonic contractions and involuntary pushing, very poor treatment by midwives, spending most of my too-fast and agonising labour in the ward dining room on my own as the midwives wouldn't believe I was actually in labour, followed by an emergency forceps delivery because of cord compression, baby nearly died, I couldn't walk properly for nearly two months - and no I didn't have "unrealistic expectations" SummerRain, so squish to you. I had a horrible time and should have had better care, not different expectations). The hospital rushed to have me assessed for PTSD the next morning, they were so keen to cover their backs. And DH found the while thing horribly traumatic too, and he had no access to counselling or support.

NeartheWindymill yes, I too can't understand why they don't do a scan in early labour - it would save such situations from getting dangerous. The cord was round DD's neck twice and if they had known, I could have had a section and been spared the awful emergency delivery (they thought her heart had completely stopped - thankfully she was a big baby and had been able to compensate, but I'd been in the second stage for two hours and was utterly exhausted. There was no way I was going to be able to push her out - and I'd far rather have had a section than the episiotomy I did have! A three-minute scan would have prevented all that trauma.

*Usually from birth center, home birth or conversely ELC+

I was in the birth centre last time. I have no wish to have a home birth and I'm not allowed to this time as
I'm classed as a high risk, so I have to be on delivery suite. I'd like an epidural, but worry I'd just get told no by the mw.

Pobble my birth sounds similar to yours...are they classing you as high risk due to previous labour or this pregnancy?

Just this pregnancy because of my hypothyroidism, which happened after the birth of DS.

SummerRain have you read these comments? Your comments made me tearful and I was both saddened and yet relieved to see that other women had been affected by what you'd said. Please think about it.

OP, I am now nearly 2.5 years on from a traumatic first birth. For the first year I certainly couldn't even consider ever having another child. I'm now 28 weeks pregnant and wetting myself (literally and metaphorically!) about going through it all again, but want another child. Please give yourself time.

Why are you high risk with hypothyroidism? I was high risk with by the time I had dd but certainly not due to my hypothyroidism although they were crap at monitoring it with ds1. Again it's experience I think, after ds1 there were a lot of things I just put my foot down over and insisted on more doctor/consultant led care than previously.

Yes, I told my story because of Summer Rain's comments. Because you don't have to have a terribly physically traumatic birth to have a dreadful birth experience.

Why are you high risk with hypothyroidism?

I've no idea. It's just what I've been told. Maybe haemorrhaging last time has something to do with it. There is a higher risk of it happening again. To be honest I don't think I'd want the birth centre next time anyway as the gas and air did bugger all for me and the pool just slowed my labour down and I had to get out.