AIBU to consider leaving job because leave to spend time with dying mother has been refused

[purpleapple1234]

Mother is very sick and has only a month or two to live. I live abroad so popping back and forth isn't possible at short notice. As this has happened so quickly, I have asked for a holiday to be extended by 3 days to be able to spend more time with my mother.

Boss said no - I am a teacher and this a very important exam period for the kids. I need the job, I definitely need the money. Part of my says just walk out the door now, another part of me says that people go through this type of situation all the time - being away from loved ones and not physically being able to see as much of them as possible due to work and distance.

I am planning to leave asap, but realistically that won't be possible for another couple of months, by which time my mum will have gone.

AIBU to hand in my month's notice and just bugger off?

I would speak to my GP sounds like you are tremendously stressed and need some time off...

I would resign. My DP was in a similar position and he resigned, walked out the door and boarded a flight to be

Posted too soon! Bloody phone! Meant to say boarded a flight to be with his dying brother. No regrets from him and I fully support his decision.

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

Firstly I am very sorry you are having to deal with this and YANBU.

I left my job to care for my dad who had terminal cancer. He lived abroad, in a remote area. Initially I went to three days a week and flew out every weekend to be with him.

My father wanted to spend his last months at home, not in hospital so I left my job to care for him. My dh flew out every other weekend to see us, this was pre our children.

Whilst it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, it was also the most rewarding. The time I spent with my dad was the most precious I have ever had.

We did simple things before he become too ill, like being by the sea, jigsaws, meals with friends chatting and laughing.

His last week or two - very emotionally challenging for us both, but I am so happy to have been there for him

Do it, your boss is being an absolute arse.

Do the sick note thing while you research employment laws where you work. If you resign you often can't then use employment tribunals or claim benefits. Don't act too hastily, you have rights at the moment that you should protect.

Im very sorry to hear about your mum.

I think what you are going through is something everyone has to have contingency plans for when they live abroad, but unfortunately its not really something people do actually give much thought to.

As it is I can see your situation from every aspect here due to me personal circumstances and what I wont to suggest is that you have the Easter Holidays as planned but tell your employer you will be looking for compassionate leave when your family tell you - you need to come back now because mum is very sadly deteriorating.

Having been through the loss of loved ones whilst living far far away, this is how I would do it and not just because I very much feel that after you have seen your mum at Easter it wont be enough and you will want to see her again.

I really hope this suggestion helps you. Please accept my heartfelt thoughts at this very sad and scary time.

Im sorry. That should be 'what I want to suggest to you'

It's not too late to 'throw a sickie', cert certified off with stress.

And although you have written a resignation letter, don't you have to give half a terms notice? So even if you put it in this week, they won't release you from contact until Whitsun.

If your employer had half a brain (regrettably school management never does) they would allow you the time off, perhaps you could come in one day a week to over see your GCSE/GCE classes. It is short notice to get a quality supply in to cover until May.

V sorry you are facing this

It is definitely more important to be with your mother while she is dying than to be at work. Previous posters are correct that you won't get this time back.

I also agree that it isn't necessarily the right thing to do to resign because it could cause you serious problems e.g. with not being entitled to benefits if you can't get another job.

However, I'd be cautious about dealing with this by claiming it as sick leave. Unless you can get a proper medical sick note covering it (on the grounds of emotional distress etc) you would be quite likely to be subject to disciplinary procedures for lying as they would surmise that there was no actual sickness and you were taking advantage of sick leave to take additional holiday. Your employment record would be blotted with this dishonesty.

Therefore I think you need to just go. Write a respectful letter which is NOT a resignation letter, saying that at this point in time being with your dying mother is the most important thing and you are not able to return to work for the time being. Say that you do not expect any pay for the duration of your absence to allow the school to hire cover teachers, and that you will return to work as soon as possible.

They may still sack you, but you will have been honest - and when you are applying for new jobs it will look a lot better to put under reason for leaving "sacked because I took unauthorised leave to be with my dying mother" rather than "sacked for claiming sick leave when I wasn't sick". But it may not come to that anyway, the process of sacking someone is long and drawn out and they may either not bother, or you might find another job during the process.

The school is perfectly able to cope with this. After Christmas we had one member of staff absent for a week and a half at the beginning of term because she had been in the USA over the Christmas holidays and was unable to get a flight back for ages due to the weather issues. The school coped, and your school can cope.

i agree with yuccan.

take unpaid leave and give them lots of notice. then they must do what they need to do. you are not leaving them in the lurch because you are giving plenty of notice and you are not expecting to be paid. you are also not throwing a hissy fit.

i think it's abominable. my work gave me an extra week (i was a long way away) when my dad died on my holiday, so i could stay with the family and be at the funeral. compassionate leave.

you won't regret spending the time with your mum.

Got to the doctors and have yourself signed off with stress. Totally justified and true.

I'm very sorry about your mum.

Purpleapple I work away from the UK. My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer last April and died last June. I was planning to take as much time off as it took to be with her in her final weeks. Unfortunately, she suffered a thrombosis and within less than 24 hours went from terminally ill but fully mobile and independent to critically ill and unconscious. I made it to her bedside about 2 hours before she died, but she probably did not know I was there. The fact is that you cannot control or predict when the very end will come and so, unless you are not planning to be there for that then, exams or no exams, your employer is going to have to plan around the risk of you disappearing at any time and at zero notice. Perhaps you need to point that out to them.
When you say you really need the job, do you really need it short term? Are no similar jobs available? No future employer is going to hold it against you that you took emergency compassionate leave and resigned during that leave, or didn't work out your notice. From experience I would say go immediately to your Mum and do not give it a second thought. The world can wait. And try to make sure as soon as possible that nothing between you and your Mum remains unsaid. All the best.

I was going to say YANBU but actually I'm not sure. You sam

Sorry, phone went weird.

You say you asked for just 3 days on top of the Easter holidays. On the one hand it is very petty of the school to say no to that but, on the other hand, 3 days isn't worth losing a job over when you can go to your mum for 2 weeks with no argument.

Unless of course there's something about those particular three days such as them being the only dates your whole family can gather or there a being a likelihood of your mum actually going on those days.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through and agree your mum should come first but I'd be careful about getting into a situation where you could lose a job and get poor references for the sake of 3 extra days.

When my mum was dying my work were very understanding as I used to see her a couple of days every week.

However, had they not been I would have left.

My mum - the woman who gave so much love to me, nutured me, helped me, was always there for me, wiped my snotty nose, looked after me when I was ill, made numerous sacrifices so us kids could have a good life.....

Vs

Work - pay my wages.

No competition but then it's hard to say as I don't know how close you are to your mum.

If any future employer was to not employ you because you took time out to be with your dying mother then really, would you want to work for them?

Up to you but just make sure you make the right decision which isn't going to lead to a life time of regrets.

So sorry to hear about your mum, it's such a hard time.

So sorry Op, horrible that they won't help you out when it's such a huge thing. Hope you get to spend that last time with your mum and are there for her when she dies, I got to do that for my mum and am so grateful I did. Honestly, it will be the best thing to help you cope with losing her. You can always get another job.

I was lucky enough to have an employer who let me have the time with my mum. You won't ever get that time back, I would ask for unpaid leave and if it isn't granted I would leave my job.

You could get signed off with stress too - which may be an option if you need to keep working there for some reason. your employer is being awful IMHO and not very sensible, one way or another you're not going to be there.

take the time with your mum. I don't think that you would ever regret that. I don't think hissy fit comes into it - you making a very rational decision based on the fact that you need to send time with your dying mother.

It depends on what sort of company op is working for if its teaching English shcool it may be more casual and used to casual workers.

I had a friend working for one, for the summer, she was told under no circumstances could she have time off and actually said she would have to miss my wedding if I had it over the summer! Me a life long friend for a crappy summer job, for a few hours.

anyway op, I hope you can find a clever way to navigate this problem, but if you cant you are mentally prepared to wallk away which is half the battle - with yourself.

as for depression, should you not leave work and spend the time with your mother that could also lead to issues...

any future employer would think your current one is a dick and will and should fully understand why you resigned.

Hello my love. So sorry to hear about your mum.
I never got to say goodbye to my mum as she just went suddenly.
I so wish I could have said everything I wanted to.
You must go and although you need your jobs there are others.
I'm not sure they can automatically dismiss you for this. You have given enough notice for cover and surely this is compassionate leave.
Are you in a union that may be able to help.
I hope it all goes as well as it can under the circumstances and you get to see your mum.

I'm not sure that giving up your job will help you or your Mum. Unless of course she needs personal care from you - then I would stop work immediately.

But if she doesn't then perhaps a compromise would be best, see what they can come up with at work with maybe someone on standby to take over if you need to leave.

This isn't something that will come up again in your career so I think it's unfair of the school not to take this seriously and consider your needs more carefully.

I would be honest and up-front; and say I am staying with my mother, I hope you can support me throughout this difficult time, I will keep you informed of my likely return date, and from todays date I will be taking unpaid compassionate leave. They may fire you, but really who wants to work for someone so heartless.

Spend time with your Mum, the rest will follow.

I am so sorry to hear about you mother, it is very sad to hear that your employer is being so heartless at such an awful time for you. I agree with Naughtyspottybengalcat suggestions, you are then doing things the right way

I would definitely leave the job. Best wishes.

People who work in schools including teachers are allowed some compassionate leave. Is the head teacher or your head of department refusing you the leave.

I suggest you contact your union for advice and prehaps write a letter to the governors before resigning.

One point of clarification - you say you're thinking of leaving asap but it's not realistic for another few months. Do you mean you are thinking of leaving the job anyway? As if so, I would be out the door already.

Whether that's the case or not, I would leave, but I think in the long term you're better off not doing it in a 'hissy fit' way. Calmly explain that though you are committed to your job, it is nonetheless replaceable, whereas this time with your mother is not; you therefore regretfully need to leave the job to be with her, since they do not feel able to accommodate additional leave. I think there's more chance of them backing down if you stay calm and reasoned.

But whether they do or not, YANBU and I'd be off. Sorry you're having this difficult time compounded by a stupid boss.