To ask DH to give me money for some new shoes for DD instead of getting me a Mothers day present

[VulvaVoom]

don't get me wrong, i would love a gift but almost 18 month old DD is rapidly growing out of her shoes. WIBU to suggest we get her some shoes instead - i definitely can't afford to pay for them.

Actually, Vulva, you have posted implying circumstances that would lead people to think you are being financially abused. But it appears you are actually just making an attention seeking post because you share money anyway, do there is absolutely no need for your DH to buy DD shoes for mother's day, other than so you can make out you're a martyr or something

No I wouldn't. Keep the two separate - you might not be bothered about token gifts this year or for many years to come, but one day you might and nothing will be forthcoming. You may wonder why and will realise its because you've been self effacing and 'oh no I don't need/want anything' and everyone has taken i t literally and and no longer give a minute's thought to what might be nice for you. Get DDs shoes and graciously accept something small/ homemade for Mother's Day.

You should get dd some shoes if that's your priority. I'm sure dh will bring you a cup of tea in bed and dd will make you a card. That's all I want on mother's day. It's a load of commercial rubbish anyway. Go for a nice walk with your dd and dh and if the weather's agreeable, have a picnic lunch. You don't have to spend any money. We are buying a house and I have told dh that I want nothing materially for mother's day as I know money is tight at the moment. I hope you enjoy mother's day

What has boggled you? I don't understand? Don't you have household money that covers things like shoes which you can just access like normal people do? Why would you need to ask for half?

The 'man' doesn't pay for everything, the parents buy the kids shoes.

There is no connection between the shoes and the gift unless it is an either/or situation as far as having enough money goes.

If you don't want a mother's day gift/card then no biggy, just let him know, but I can't see what it has to do with the shoes.

This makes no sense.

Why, exactly, are you forgoing a MD present so your child can have shoes when it seems there is no financial need?

This is silly now, Im think Im going to stick to chat. Thanks for the shouting down and catty comments though

Ok, if it is just to say to DH 'don't bother to get anything special for mothers' day, we're skint this month and DD needs new shoes' then I get it... it was the idea that you had to ask your DH to give you money for the shoes for your mothers' day present that was odd.

My comment was based on your post !!!! Why would you need to forgo a Mother's Day gift bought presumably by your DH so he would be willing to contribute to shoes.
None of this makes sense! Don't post nonsense then get upset when people take you at your word,

littlebluedog it appears that is indeed what the OP meant.

Op I totally understand where you are coming from, material gifts mean nothing to me. I requested no gifts for my 40th, do what feels right. We can all have good and bad months even when we are lucky enough to be ok financially there can be too much month at the end of the money!

Makes sense to get little feet a good pair of shoes, I agree with the post about a picnic or something simple, a nice hand painting would mean way more to me than a gift. Enjoy mothers day. Spend money where your instincts tell you to!

I don't think the OPs being unreasonable. I would be cross if DH spent money on marked up flowers for me for Valentines/Mothers Day, etc. I usually get a card, tea in bed and buy some reduced a few days later. It really irks me if DH's money, my money or family money is spent on things that aren't necessary and a commercial rip off. We are far from skint too.

I wrote my OP on my phone and worded it badly – I wish I hadn’t bothered honestly.

Thanks to those of you who made helpful comments. A homemade card and a nice walk, day out sounds great and at least some of you thought I was taking sense.

I should just clarify a few things:

My DH is not financially abusive – neither is he a prick. We do have a joint account and we buy nappies, wipes using it but we can’t stretch to shoes.

We aren’t on the poverty line and both work but neither are we in a position where DH can buy everything. My PT wage really doesn’t stretch far, so we do struggle a bit.

My whole point really was about preferring my DD to get shoes rather than me receiving a gift (so DH could put the money towards that instead of a present) I would think that helps both of us as the money he would spend is essentially ours.

I’m not being a martyr, I don’t like wasting money and flowers are nice but I’m indifferent to them really, so this seemed to make sense to me.

The reason I’m posting again is because some of you were really rude and disrespectful about a very uncontroversial post. With one person saying ‘why do these people procreate!?’ how horrible and ridiculous. I suggest those of you who posted with such vitriol take a look at yourselves.

Please don’t shout me down again. You know nothing about me – I was only asking about bloody shoes.

Could you tell DH, that DD needs shoes, and not to go overboard with mothers day stuff. ?

Well, if your child needs shoes, you really should get them for her.
Your dh could help dd make you a card and breakfast.

If its the choice between a non essential item for an adult and an essential item for a child, I can't see why you would need to ask.
I'm not having a dig at you, I'm just confused.

What do you think your dh views on this are?

Vulva the way you posted made it seem that you were expected to bear the cost of your DD's shoes alone, while your DH had plenty of spare cash - some of which you were thinking was going to be spent on a Mother's Day present for you.

Don't get all huffy with people who are just responding to your OP, it isn't their fault if you have expressed yourself clearly.

Realistically you only have yourself to blame for the reaction, OP. The way you worded both your title and your OP have left you looking like you have no control over how money is spent. That isn't "uncontroversial" and I don't see what difference you posting from your phone makes on your language, tbh.

As it is, if you want the money to go towards your DD's shoes instead of being "wasted" on flower or something for you, then that is fine. Do that.

But shoes should be, if not an essential, at least a concrete need - yet you say you "can't stretch to them". Unless you live somewhere a lot hotter than the UK, you need to include your DD's shoes in your budget.

Your op was terribly misleading which led to confusion and exasperation I think.

If what you're saying is that you're a bit tight for money and would rather not have money spent on non essentials when good shoes could be bought, then how could that be unreasonable?

Which again led to confusion because why would you ask?

If you can afford it, which you said you can, why would you not get a mothers day present, you deserve a treat too.

Dh and I have separate finances because I have a spending problem and he's worried tat I will fritter it away. He takes care of the mortgage, utilities and council tax and transferres money to me regularly as an when I need it. Nowt wrong with that, but I need to improve myself.

So, you are saying that as a family you have limited money and that the money won't stretch to buying DD's shoes and a Mothers' Day gift. So you want to tell DH to not worry about a gift. I agree this is perfectly reasonable but not sure why you p posted really? Surely DH doesn't want his DD going about in too small shoes?

If she needs shoes go and buy them.
Then, presumeably dh will know exactly what is left to reasonably spend on mothers day.
By all means also tell him that you would prefer a simple card or one such than for him to spend valuable cash.

Fwiw your op sounded as if you were either being forced to forgo nice things by a controlling DH or that you wanted to appear martyrish.

People should not have been rude but your op was ambiguous.

Seems an odd way to divide your finances when you have kids

That was my reaction too. We work out accounts so we both have the same amount of "spending money", entirely at our own disposal.

Children's shoes don't come out of that, but presents for each other do, so it wouldn't be an either / or situation here.

There are shades of martyrdom in the whole "don't buy me a present, spend it on the children" line, I think. It's different if there's nothing you want or you can't be arsed with Mothers Day or whatever.

How do you normally go about buying clothing and shoes for your DD? Where does that money come from? Slightly confused about why your joint account would cover nappies and wipes but not shoes.

I sort-of get it.

If I'm right, in the division of your finances, DD's shoes are one the things you pay for normally.

You aren't bothered right this second about chocolates/flowers etc, so would rather DH paid for her shoes this time, because it will free up that much of your money later on.

Your 'mother's day' present will, in effect, be whatever you choose to buy with that money later.

Yes?

I hope so, because it's about the only way I can see this is a reasonable argument.

That said, I get as much pleasure out of seeing my DD nicely dressed and getting things for her as I do for myself, and often spend my 'treat' money on things for her.