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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this too fast?

52 replies

muchtooshy · 25/03/2014 19:22

After a month of seeing someone 1 to 3 times a week would you expect it to be getting serious? I wasn't and it doesn't seem like a long time in real terms but feels like we have known each other for ages. We haven't had the exclusive chat but he calls me his girlfriend and I have met his friends a couple of times and some of his family.

I haven't dated a real lot or had many serious relationships so I don't have much to compare too.

We tend to go to his place as it is easier for both of us. After I had stayed over 1nce he said I could leave some stuff there to save me carting it about. He has now said I can take some stuff (décor stuff) if I want to make myself feel at home. His house is like a show home though all minimalist and cream.

Maybe I am just not cut out to be in a relationship so I am looking for problems. He seems serious about it and the future. I just don't know why he likes me and just expect him to go off me. When we are together it is really good and I like him a lot I am worried about getting hurt though so am trying to hold back.

OP posts:
LondonForTheWeekend · 25/03/2014 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Paloma12 · 25/03/2014 19:26

I was pretty serious with my (now) DH after a month. I think the L word was used after 5 weeks. Been together 7 years, married 5.

Guitargirl · 25/03/2014 19:27

I am not the right person to ask, DD was born exactly 14 months after first date with DP. DD is now 7 and we also went on to have DS. We are still together (so far anyway!) so it did work out but at the time I am sure that lots of people thought we were mad.

What do you want to do? You say you like him a lot so why not see how it goes?

UncleT · 25/03/2014 19:30

YOU evidently think it's too quick, and that's all that matters. Be honest about wanting to take things steady. It's not necessarily a problem, so long as you both know where you stand. Suffer in silence and you may fairly expect trouble at some point in the future.

VisualiseAHorse · 25/03/2014 19:32

I'm not the best person to ask - confessed my love for OH within a month, pregnant within about 4 months, together for 3 years now.

It NEVER felt too quick for me though.

saidnooneever · 25/03/2014 19:33

He obviously likes you and is comfortable with you being at his place.
You sound a bit down on yourself worrying that he will go off you.

wyrdyBird · 25/03/2014 19:43

He's being quite casual and easy about it, from what you say? Not trying to force the pace or anything - though you said he's serious about it and the future.
Take it slowly, at a pace you're comfortable with. If he wants you to be happy, he'll be ok with that.

GertTheFlirt · 25/03/2014 20:07

How old are you both? is it his home or rented?

Original poster
muchtooshy · 25/03/2014 20:15

I am quite comfortable there. It isn't exactly cosy though as it is very minimalistic. I really like him but am scared of getting hurt.

He has said he is serious about the future and the relationship but he isn't putting pressure on me. I am prob putting the pressure on me!!

28 and 43 and he owns the house.

OP posts:
SJisontheway · 25/03/2014 20:56

While I think that a month in is too early to be making any life changing decisions, I dont think it's too early at all to be having strong feelings and thoughts of the future together, so long as you are both comfortable with he pace.

BEEwitched · 25/03/2014 21:11

Depends. I knew my DH for 3 months when we had our first date (after a few coffees + seeing each other weekly at a group we both attended and bumping into each other in the campus we both worked on). I went back home for 2 weeks over Christmas, we were on the phone several hours a day during those two weeks, and after I came back into the country we were basically inseparable.

First night he stayed over he brought a nerdy little suitcase with his jammies and a towel, and a duvet because I only had a single one, and he never really left until we officially moved in together 6 months later.

First serious relationship for both of us, we've been together over 5 years now, married with dc1 on the way.

So it can work, if it is the right person and you click straight away, though I don't think it happens often!

BEEwitched · 25/03/2014 21:12

Oh, and we have a similar age gap, I was 27 and he was 40 when we met.

Financeprincess · 25/03/2014 22:31

It is a bit quick. Especially inviting you to change his house decor! You can't really know somebody very well after a month, can you? When I got to know DH, I made a point of only seeing him a maximum of twice a week and not leaving things at his house etc.

I think relationships are better if they develop slowly. I've noticed that some men want to see loads of you at the start then get fed up quickly. It happened to me when I was younger, and I learnt my lesson.

HeadfirstForTHiddy · 25/03/2014 22:54

DH and I were serious after 1 month, we have been together for 17 years, married for 13, have 4 dc and we are still going strong! I can't judge, only you know what feels right.

CailinDana · 25/03/2014 23:03

Dh and I said "I love you" after 2 weeks, decided to get married after 3 months and have been together for 12 years.

Just answer this question: has he said or done anything that has surprised you (in a bad way) or made you feel uncomfortable?

MrsBungle · 25/03/2014 23:06

Dh and I got engaged after 3 months. You clearly think it's til quick though so maybe you're just not that into him?

WilsonFrickett · 25/03/2014 23:13

I don't think there's anything wrong in leaving a few bits at his - clearly you're in the wild shagging stage and having to do the walk of shame/take your toilet bag back and forth isn't the best. I don't think that's really a sign of things moving too fast.

Talking about the future and meeting relatives though - I do think it's a bit early for that unless it happened completely naturally. (you're in the pub, his sisters in the pub next door so she comes in for a drink on her way home sort of thing).

What's his relationship history?

Original poster
muchtooshy · 26/03/2014 07:16

I really like him but am worried as people keep saying that it is going fast and that I am not doing online dating properly. I just wasn't interested in seeing anyone else after the first couple of dates and he said the same thing after the first date.

He hasn't done anything that has been a bad surprise or made me really uncomfortable. I think part of it is that I don't know what to expect or how a relationship would normally progress as I haven't been in a serious relationship.

He was married for 12 years and is divorced.

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 26/03/2014 07:27

Sometimes you can't stop yourself getting hurt. Could you perhaps tell him you love spending time with him,you really appreciate him welcoming into his home but could you slow it down a wee bit.
I always rush in though,sometimes if works & sometimes if doesn't. I figure I found out quickly either way. Enjoy it,the wild shagging stage is fun!!

changeforthebetter · 26/03/2014 07:35

If it "feels" too quick to you, it probably is, regardless of happy stories from others. He is also quite a bit older than you. That is not an issue in itself, but might impact on the dynamic of your relationship. What is his past relationship history like? How does he talk about exes, for example?

There is no reason for you to pull back entirely but equally to trust your judgement and not be swayed. Brew

Groovee · 26/03/2014 07:42

I met dh at 19, 4 weeks later he asked me to marry him, we officially got engaged 9 weeks after meeting, moved in together after 7 months, got married 19 months after meeting and had dd just short of 3 years together. Been together 17 years, married for 15 and a half, so it can last.

Start looking for the positive and not negative!

BecauseIsaidS0 · 26/03/2014 07:48

I wouldn't focus on the actual time but on your feelings. DH and I knew that it was it from the very beginning, and you know why? Because it was EASY. We just clicked. It seems to me that you are slightly unsure about this relationship so I would listen to this feeling and ensure that things move at a pace that you are comfortable with.

BecauseIsaidS0 · 26/03/2014 07:50

Oh, and I wouldn't give a damn what people say - what is doing online dating properly, anyway? Surely getting a relationship out of it is what it is aimed for?

Simplesusan · 26/03/2014 08:01

Strange comments from your friends about od.

If you both are seeking a relationship thenthat is what you have got.

Nothing wrong in leaving stuff at his.

Perhaps the minimalism is because he doesn't have many possessions and no kids.

The only thing that would concern me is the age gap. Was he specifically looking for a much younger partner in his profile?
I'm sure lots of age gap relationships do work but he has had a lot more life experience than you, and quite often divorced men do see to want a younger partner once their marriage breaks down.

Booboostoo · 26/03/2014 08:51

If it feels right to you then it's right!

Just make sure you keep your financial independence so if you do change your mind you have options (like moving out or leaving him) and it would be prudent to wait a little bit before making decisions about having children because children really tie you to the other person whether you end up together or not.