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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this too fast?

52 replies

muchtooshy · 25/03/2014 19:22

After a month of seeing someone 1 to 3 times a week would you expect it to be getting serious? I wasn't and it doesn't seem like a long time in real terms but feels like we have known each other for ages. We haven't had the exclusive chat but he calls me his girlfriend and I have met his friends a couple of times and some of his family.

I haven't dated a real lot or had many serious relationships so I don't have much to compare too.

We tend to go to his place as it is easier for both of us. After I had stayed over 1nce he said I could leave some stuff there to save me carting it about. He has now said I can take some stuff (décor stuff) if I want to make myself feel at home. His house is like a show home though all minimalist and cream.

Maybe I am just not cut out to be in a relationship so I am looking for problems. He seems serious about it and the future. I just don't know why he likes me and just expect him to go off me. When we are together it is really good and I like him a lot I am worried about getting hurt though so am trying to hold back.

OP posts:

PrimalLass · 26/03/2014 09:52

I was serious with OH after a couple of weeks. That was in 1995. We just knew, and we are the least soppy/romantic couple ever.

Original poster

muchtooshy · 26/03/2014 18:14

My friends think that I should have gone on 1st dates with a few men and then narrowed it down rather than just seeing the first and only man I have met OD.

I don't know why he wants to be with someone younger.

He has been divorced for a few years and has dated but his exes are all within 5 years of his age.

It is easy with him. I don't feel like I have to pretend to be someone else and it is comfortable and I really find him attractive.

OP posts:

wyrdyBird · 26/03/2014 19:23

This sounds great

It is easy with him. I don't feel like I have to pretend to be someone else and it is comfortable and I really find him attractive.

I hear some discomfort as well though: if you were sure, you wouldn't be posting here. So again, take your time, let it be about what you want as well as him (eg, he's said he's serious about the relationship and the future, but you haven't said you feel the same).

There's no rush. Just have fun :)

Original poster

muchtooshy · 26/03/2014 20:19

I don't have discomfort with him but the idea of falling for him and spending loads of time with him and then something going wrong scares me.

I can tell that I am falling for him but am trying to hold back. I wish I could just get over my issues.

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/03/2014 20:23

Telling you you can decorate his flat is moving far too fast since you are clearly not in the same place yet.

I would be a bit wary of this.

Financeprincess · 26/03/2014 21:39

By the way, OP: I think it's lovely that some posters on this thread were in love with their partners/husbands within the week, pregnant and married within six months, still happy ten years on etc etc.

However, you're not going to hear from anybody on here who moved in with somebody too quickly then left the wreckage of the relationship a year later, are you? You'll have to read Take a Break for that.

In short, try to allow your head to rule your heart. It's the opposite of the conventional female advice, but it will serve you well. Good luck.

oldfashionedgirl · 27/03/2014 07:01

If you talked to him about it do you think he would put pressure on you? I think that things happen to different people at different times so maybe he is just a step ahead or maybe being older means that he knows what he is looking for.

sparechange · 27/03/2014 09:43

If you know, you know...
DH and I swapped keys to each others houses after about a month, and we gave each other a drawer of stuff to make it easier when we stay over.
Not quite the same age gap as you but not far off. And he had also been married before, so it wasn't anything unusual or out of the ordinary for there to be girls stuff lying around the house.
He even went out and bought me some shampoo, conditioner and body lotion!

If it worries you, or you feel stifled, it is probably too fast. If you feel like he is trying to make you spend time at his so he can keep an eye on you, it is a red flag.

But it sounds like he likes spending time with you and is trying to make life easy and convenient for you because he likes you spending time with him.

WilsonFrickett · 27/03/2014 09:48

The more you update OP the less I'm sure that this is him pushing you in vs you pushing him away.

Can't you just put the brakes on for a bit, enjoy it. Don't redecorate his house (obvs) but just see how it goes for a while?

And ignore your friends, if you started online dating to find a relationship then of course you've done it 'properly' - you're in a relationship!

Booboostoo · 27/03/2014 09:58

"something going wrong scares me" but something can go wrong in any relationship however slow or fast you take it in the beginning. Embarking on a relationship is always a gamble but even if it does not work it doesn't mean that it was not a good experience overall. You are young, you have time to try things out and see how you feel. Just make sure you have options so if you do change your mind you don't feel trapped.

RedFocus · 27/03/2014 10:00

My dh & I got engaged after 4 months and married a year later. Been together 5 years soon. We never felt like we were rushing so it just seemed so natural.
If you are feeling rushed then slow it down op. Go at your own pace and if he's still rushing then maybe he's not right for you.

Original poster

muchtooshy · 28/03/2014 18:27

I think it is me pushing him away. He says he is serious about me and has acted in a way that shows that but I don't know how to be sure of how someone feels about me.

OP posts:

wyrdyBird · 28/03/2014 18:38

Well, you can't be sure, really. And how you feel is equally important. If you're comfortable and enjoying his company, that's all that's needed for now. If he's serious and you're not ready for that, that's ok.

Original poster

muchtooshy · 29/03/2014 07:58

He isn't putting any pressure on me but he does say how he feels and that he is serious and falling for me.

OP posts:

Bananapickle · 29/03/2014 08:08

Does he know your nervousness? Have you been honest with him?
It might help you work through some of your own feelings. I'm guessing you've had some bad experiences to make you feel this way.
You could tell him that you need to take it slowly so that you can feel a little more in control of your feelings and how the relationship is progressing.

rabbitlady · 29/03/2014 08:39

if you have any doubts or worries, don't move in with him.

if you find him to be what you want, move in gradually but keep your own life going, don't let him take over completely - this is your standby for if/when something goes wrong with the relationship.

Original poster

muchtooshy · 29/03/2014 10:12

I haven't had any bad experiences but haven't been in a serious relationship before. I don't know why I find it so hard to just go with it and trust. Probably a childhood thing.

I haven't talked to him directly about it but he knows I am nervous and he just said that it takes different amounts of time for different people and that there is no rush.

I think it scares me how much I like him.

OP posts:

yegodsandlittlefishes · 29/03/2014 10:44

I would have wanted to meet each other's friends and family, the exclusive discussion, the L word and a good dig into the past with a man in his 40s.
I've just found out almost all the male relations on my father's side were/are serial adulterers. Ive bwen mulling over how to spot them when you get to know them.

I'd be looking out for:

Whether they respect boundaries. (Things like the jokes they tell and what they find funny, how they treat other people's property, whether they say sorry and understand why if they have done something to offend, and a load of other things like this. Timekeeping/cleanliness/manners/discretion/other's privacy etc. can tell you a lot. I mean how they treat other people, not you, and how much effort is it for him if it is costing him time, money or energy to be considerate? How does he treat his parents? How does he treat sick/disabled people? What if that were you in years to come?)

Whether they can delay their own gratification, and enjoy doing that and looking forward to something. I don't just mean in bed, I mean over a long time, eg training for a sport or cutting down on things that are bad for them.

Whether they get disproportionately angry and agressive over minor negative events, or show very little emotion over positive things.

Control and motivation. What motivates them to do what they do the way they do it? What do they like to control the most and do they get anxious if they can't? (eg. If you drive, have the remote control, choose a surprise venue and order food for them.)

Sallyingforth · 29/03/2014 11:52

OP
I'm afraid that at the start of a relationship there is no guarantee that you won't get hurt. If your first ever serious relationship turns out to be a permanent, happy one you will be a very fortunate person, I and sincerely hope that is what you are now starting.

No-one can guarantee that you won't have a broken heart, but you will get over it as so many of us have had to do. My first serious love ended very painfully. My second relationship started the same night we met, and we are together very happily five years later.

My advice would be, if you are happy with him just go with it. Enjoy the relationship and see how it develops with time. Good luck!

Original poster

muchtooshy · 29/03/2014 15:56

yegods - have met some family and friends, not had the exclusive chat, he has said the l word, and know a bit about his past. He just seems really nice all around.

OP posts:

Sparklysilversequins · 29/03/2014 16:24

I think he sounds like "I Want To Be In A Relationship And You'll Do" man.

Decorate his house? Leave your stuff there already? He wants a girlfriend and a settled relationship and I if I were I would want to be sure that he wants YOU and not just SOMEONE to fill that role.

oldfashionedgirl · 29/03/2014 17:48

Just keep talking to him so that he knows how you feel. It is early days so don't feel like you have to rush into anything.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 29/03/2014 17:53

On the radio this morning (I think it qas The News Quiz) they were saying the way to spot a liar is to go by your gut instict. If your firat impression of what they say is that you think they are lying, they most probably are.

So by inference if you gut instinct is rhat he's a good'n, then he probably is. He's a rare breed, treat him well OP!

Original poster

muchtooshy · 30/03/2014 10:07

I think he sounds like "I Want To Be In A Relationship And You'll Do" man.

Do you think so?? I hadn't even thought of that.

Gut instinct is to trust him which is weird as I am not fast to trust normally.

OP posts:

JessieMcJessie · 30/03/2014 13:08

Yes, a request from a divorced man that you decorate his house sounds like he is someone who really needs a woman about the place, which is fine, but it might make him a bit too hasty to decide that you are the one, then you could be hurt if he changes his mind. The key is to be absolutely honest-tell him he makes you happy but it feels too fast, tell him you are afraid of being hurt, tell him you are new to all this. Talk to HIM, and reallylisten to what he's saying. Don't let others'opinions influence you (unless he does something that makes you uncomfortable) .If he cares he'll understand and do whatever it takes to build a relationship at your pace.

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