Re changing children's names.

[Twattyzombiebollocks]

Am divorcing my husband, will be returning to my maiden name at some point in the near future. Want to change kids names to double barrel of both our names because I don't want to use his name anymore yet want to have same name as my children. We are now arguing about whose name should come first in the double barrel, I would prefer my name first, not because it's my name but actually because my name is an address suffix (like crescent, avenue etc) so having his name first it sounds like a place name or part of an address.
Of course he wants his name first, because it wouldn't be manly for mine to be first I suspect.
I have suggested that as we can't agree, rather than argue, we let the kids decide which way round they want it since it will be their name.
Apparently this is me wanting it all my own way! Aibu?

Look, my stbxh has lied to me and cheated on me systematically for our entire 16 year relationship, throughout three pregnancies and all the times in between. His inability to keep his cock in his trousers has lost him 2 jobs and sunk us into masses of debt. Thankfully we had a lot of luck and are now very financially secure but if it hadn't been for that we would have lost our home. To give you some idea of what I'm mentally dealing with, on the morning of my gender scan with this last baby, I looked on my email to find out the appointment time and the address of the clinic. Only it wasn't my email it was his. And the last thing he had sent was a photo of his cock to a woman who had reciprocated with a full on photo of her breasts. Nice. Just what I needed to see. Anyhow, the man is a cheating lying cunt and I want nothing more to do with him or his name.

Walton - why poor kids? What exactly am I doing to harm them?

When I changed back to my maiden name I changed my DDs name without permission of her father.

Nursery, anything related to the NHS, now school nursery took my word for it that I had informed her father (I had informed him but never asked for permission)

I have since been able to get her passport changed to my surname (although had to pay full price for a new one). The only document that remains with the name she was born with is her birth certificate. I took advice from my solicitor regarding this and have never had a single problem.

I've made the decision that if I were to ever re-marry (which I don't think I would actually want to) that I wouldn't change my name or my DDs name.

I can't see a problem with asking the children. You aren't asking them to choose between your or your ex you are asking them what they like the sound of better.

He sounds like an utter twat.

I don't blame you for wanting nothing to do with him ever again but you are an adult and you need to put your children's feelings before your own. The name isn't physically effecting you.

Staying with a man for a year+ when you found naked pictures of him and other women in his e-mail is surely harder than waiting a few months to change yours and your children's name?

1. I understand why you want to add your name to their surname, but think you should leave changing the kids names until a few months after the divorce and things have settled down for them. Establish your re-use of your birth name (I hate the term 'maiden' name), let them get used to that and then when the time feels right suggest that they add yours as a hyphenated surname. You do not want this battle wrapped up in the actual process of divorce for the kids.

1. Find a way to 'let slip' that obviously the last surname is the one people regard as the main surname because it is last...in a single surname the last name is the surname, and that's how people view hyphenated surnames...say because the kids are living with you oit would probably have been more convenient to give them the 'main' / last name as yours, but as it sounds better with yours first, you have to give up the main last-name position..... (this is bollocks of course. In a similar conversation before DS was born I had to convince DP of the opposite and to put his name first - because it sounds far better like that - by telling him that his name would be the name DS was filed under in all his important documents).

1. If the kids are resistant, don't push it. But DS absolutely loves having a hyphenated name and gets very indignant if teachers leave any part of it out.

1. Do not, having given the kids your surname, change your name or the kids names to the name of any future partner.

"because why should they have his name and not mine? I gave birth to them just as much as he fathered them?"

Seems you only feel like this now you are divorced.

IME Names are very important to children and with your being so young I think you should keep things as they are for now. They have enough to put up with without getting told to choose between their parents and getting used to a new name.

I think they would be fine with things as they are more than the changing to your name. No matter what you say they will feel like their dad has gone from their day to day lives and has gone from their name tags too.

Your anger is understandable , I'm really sorry you have had a truly awful time .
You posted on here for opinions . My opinion is that name change is massive - not for you perhaps . But for them its drastic .
I feel for the kids as they are obviously caught up in this , you can't deny that if you are considering something as huge as a name change .
Hence poor kids .

Ps - divorced parents myself - no rose tinted specs and ivory tower here .

Ok I take on board what you are all saying. I'll let the divorce go through and let it settle for 6 months, and then broach the subject with the kids. I've lived with it this long I can survive a few more months.
I think the plan will be to add my name as a middle name so that it doesn't detract from their surname.
If I remarry I will double barrel so that I retain my own name in there, so only one name change unless they decide otherwise once they are adults.

In Scotland the old legal convention for describing a woman in legal matters is first name followed by maiden name or married name so you would have Jane Smith or Brown as an example, as technically that was a full description. It wasn't double barrelled and is now very old fashioned and rarely used even by stuffy lawyers.

In Scotland the old legal convention for describing a woman in legal matters is first name followed by maiden name or married name so you would have Jane Smith or Brown as an example, as technically that was a full description. It wasn't double barrelled and is now very old fashioned and rarely used even by stuffy lawyers.

It would still be used in court proceedings or in conveyancing documents, more as a way of identifying that it's the same person involved

A cheating lying cunt he may be, but that's not your children's fault.

You aren't only trying to get rid of his name, you are also trying to get rid of theirs, because it belongs to them every bit as much as it does him.

You wanting to reject that bit of them will hurt them. How can it not?

But she has just said she will be considering adding her name as a middle name. That isn't losing their fathers name, that is just adding another name in.

The OP has said several times that she does not want to remove their fathers name, she wants to add hers.
She has now decided against double barrelling the surnames and would like to add hers as a middle name - their surname wouldn't change.
RTFT.

YANBU.

Mediation?

I have rtft.

If she's rejecting the name her children have for herself, it's sending exactly the same negative message about it to them. If it's a good enough name for her children, then it should be a good enough name for her.

By changing her own name, she's not just telling her children that she no longer wants to share a name with their Dad (which is already hurtful enough to them) she's telling them that she doesn't want the same name as them.

Adding her name to theirs doesn't change that, she is still rejecting the only name they have ever known themselves by.

If she's rejecting the name her children have for herself, it's sending exactly the same negative message about it to them. If it's a good enough name for her children, then it should be a good enough name for her.

How utterly ridiculous.

She is reverting to her original name. It is easy to explain this to the children without coming across as you describe. Unless, of course, you are an idiot.

And she was never rejecting his name for the children, just adding hers. again, this is really easy to explain to the children without being negative about the father.

By changing her own name, she's not just telling her children that she no longer wants to share a name with their Dad (which is already hurtful enough to them) she's telling them that she doesn't want the same name as them.

Dear god, I've just read this bit. Are you some kind of historical throwback who thinks women should stand by their man forever? The fathers actions of routinely shagging other women has been FAR more damaging to the whole family than adding an extra name in for the children or the OP reverting to her maiden name.

Yes to adding it as a middle name. In Norway it is quite common to have mother's name as a middle name. Their surname would still be the dad's though.

Of course the fathers actions are far more damaging, that goes without saying, but it's not a competition.

We will just have to agree to disagree.

Have you actually spoken to a child who's mother changes their name? I've never came across one who gives a shit Tbh and I've et a spoken to many about a whole manner of things.

If a woman does not want to share her eyes surname that her perogative. And adding in a name should not be an issue. It's actually in a child's interests to retain a named link to both parents when possible.

It is in some cases better for a child to drop their Father's surname and take on their mothers.

I'd leave it to the DC to decide if and when they want a new name.

I'm divorcing for the same reason as you and have been using my maiden name since we split. My teen DC have unofficially adopted my name (of their own free will, I didn't cross my mind that they might want to).

I wish I'd double barrelled from the start but I don't think it's a good idea to mess with their names as part of a divorce.

No one said it was a competition.

Saying that a woman has to keep her married name when divorced is as ridiculous as saying she must change it upon marriage.

As an aside, I have no personal agenda, I kept the name of my adulterous twat of an XH because I preferred it to my own. My choice entirely. The children would be no more damaged had I decided to revert to my maiden name - that idea is utterly bizarre.

I'm not saying that a women has to keep her name on divorce, that's entirely her own decision. I just think that it's worth considering the emotional impact that may have on children who are also having their mother change their name away from theirs.

I don't think it's bizarre to think it may have an effect, I know I was sad when I was little that I didn't have the same name as my dad, and my name remained the same until I married.

Fwiw, I am someone who has a different surname to my children, and I don't think that has damaged them in any way at all. But if I had had the same name as them when I got married, I wouldn't have changed my name whether their name was mine or my ex's, because it just seemed to make sense that they might feel hurt if I changed my name away from theirs.

Oh dear those typos. Don't mumsnet on the bus!

Like I said WooWooOwl I have spoken to many children regarding other issues and not once has a child said they are upset that their mother changed her name.

They are either too young to notice/care and old enough to understand why.