Re changing children's names.

[Twattyzombiebollocks]

Am divorcing my husband, will be returning to my maiden name at some point in the near future. Want to change kids names to double barrel of both our names because I don't want to use his name anymore yet want to have same name as my children. We are now arguing about whose name should come first in the double barrel, I would prefer my name first, not because it's my name but actually because my name is an address suffix (like crescent, avenue etc) so having his name first it sounds like a place name or part of an address.
Of course he wants his name first, because it wouldn't be manly for mine to be first I suspect.
I have suggested that as we can't agree, rather than argue, we let the kids decide which way round they want it since it will be their name.
Apparently this is me wanting it all my own way! Aibu?

Higgle - from what I've read I can change the children's name by deed poll provided I have the consent of everyone who has parental responsibility, so that's me and him.

But he doesn't agree on the order o the names so he doesn't agree does he?

Well I double barrelled and my DD is double barrelled.
I split from my DH and she has now found out (well she's not daft so she figured it out) that he is a low life cheat who only cares about himself.
She doesn't want his name anymore but he's still her dad and I've told her she can't get rid until she's 18 and fully understands about it all.
She can't wait to drop his name and just have mine.
BTW - surname was myname then hisname.

The first barrelled name is normally the one to be dropped. I frequently miss of mine to save time tbh.

I guess I've never given much thought to whether the hername hisname is middlename surname or surname surname. The part of Scotland I know uses hername hisname, but a married woman dies in her maiden name, and that's what I based my assertion on. I think the hername hisname Americans might be quite posh, come to think of it.

I think the children should keep their birth name until they're adults. At that age, they can decide if they wish to change their name.

Don't change the children's names. You're getting divorced, not them. He's still their father, and their name is still their name.

My mother has been married or "in a relationship" several times since my brother was born hence he has had several names over the last 20 odd years. If your kids are old enough then give them the choice but they may not like being stuck in the middle and made to choose as they will upset one of you either way. It's really not important in the grand scheme of things

The surname may have started off as the fathers, but as soon as you gave it to the kids, it became their name in their own right. You don't get to add a name because you suddenly feel underrepresented. You aren't supposed to use a name to show ownership, and people's names aren't something you can just redecorate because they don't 'go' anymore.

Yabvu. Your children are people not possessions. Their names are their own.

My mum changed back to her maiden name and did not allow us to change ours until we were old enough - which for me was when I was 17 and just before starting college.

I grew up hating my surname but can understand why she did it.

My ds has my name-dp's name and we choose to refer to him as miniIKEA-dp's name most often. I have just written his name in all of his clothes for nursery and I just wrote dp's name mostly because there isn't enough room to write both fairly long names on a 2 cm wide bit of fabric

We want ds to be known by dp's name as we live in a country which is prejudiced against foreign names and dp's name makes ds not look like an immigrant, we also wanted my name on his passport so when I travel with him we look related.

It is not the same as giving the child a new persons name.

It is a combination of their mothers and fathers name

How about this - add your maiden name as their last middle name, so their official last name doesn't change, but for passports and official name purposes they have your name included.
So if you're Jane Lane and ex is Bill Brown, your DC would be 'Daisy Rose Lane Brown'.

If the DC want it to be fully double barrelled, they can alter it themselves by deed poll at 18, so the format wouldn't change, just the legality.
Also, if they hate double barrelled names, they'll be able to just stick with their father's name, so no harm done.

I know quite a few adults with family surnames as 'last middle names', it's a very good solution to a sometimes thorny problem.
(Plus it won't dent your XH's ego so much). :)

PS I'm coming at this from an angle where we had three surnames in the house as a kid. I had my dad's name, my mum her maiden name, and StD had his name. A right bloody pain.
I loathed my surname and changed it to DH's on marriage. If my mum had given me her maiden name as a middle name I'd have dropped my dad's surname at 18, but as it was her name had never felt 'mine' so I didn't.

ll31 Tue 25-Mar-14 16:55:06
"Yabvu. Your children are people not possessions. Their names are their own."

This. Seeing that your 9yo and 7yo are old enough to have been answering to their names at school for several years, I don't see how you can say that their surname is their father's. By this time surely it is their surname as much as it it their father's (who presumably inherited it from his father) and as much as your maiden name is yours?

What happens if you re-marry?

My kids are very much their own people. I'm actually doing this for them aswell because they are currently quite unsettled by the divorce and I think that when I change back to their maiden name it may have a further adverse affect. But if they change their name too it maintains the name link to me. I don't mind the children having their fathers name, he is their father and it is right that they should have that link, I had considered keeping his name but given the circumstances I don't feel happy or comfortable with that.
I think that I will go with the middle name option, that way they aren't changing their name, they are just getting an extra one, he doesn't have to use it if he doesn't want to and I can use it. It will also make travelling with them easier I suspect as different names can provoke questions

It's not really changing their names. It is adding to them. It's not the same as ditching their father's name and using the mother's.

Have you thought about double barrelling your name instead?

Do you have to change your name now? If you think it will unsettle your children is it not worth putting their feelings above your feelings of discomfort about having your ex's name?

If I were in this situation I would let things settle, prioritise creating as stable an enviroment for my dc as possible and revisit the name issue in 6/12/18 months when the children were more settled.

I think at none years old a child is old enough to have some input into whether they want their name changed or added to. Not to make the final decision, but their view is worth considering.

I think it's quite selfish to change their name in the circumstances you describe, and I don't see how changing their name is going to make them feel less unsettled. If anything, it's likely to do the opposite.

You gave them their names already, and while I can understand why you don't want your ex's name but your reasons for wanting to change your dc's names are all about what's best for you, not them.

If you want to keep the same name as your children, then keep the name you gave them. If it's good enough for them then it should be good enough for you.

By telling them you don't want their fathers name any more, you are sending a very strong message that you don't want their name either, as even if you change it, their name as it is now is the name they have always known themselves by. If you don't want that part of your ex, and you don't want that part of them, it wouldn't be a massive leap for a child's immature brain to secretly think that there's other parts of them and their dad that you don't want either.

Why not do something positive for your children and keep "your" name as it is. I know plenty of divorced women that don't revert to their maiden name in order to stay the same as the children.

Actually you might find that in the future your children are quite proud of the selfless act you did for them.

The poor kids.

Tell him that if his is last, it sounds more like the actual surname.