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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread Mother's Day because I don't have a 'normal' relationship with my Mum?

58 replies

rubyblue · 24/03/2014 21:50

Every year it is a reminder of how disfunctional my Mum is (depressed alcoholic for 30 years, violent, manipulative etc) and how we do not have any semblance of a relationship left. I dutifully send a card, gave up on pressies years ago when even I realised what a sham it was to pretend that she was a great Mum. Mostly I don't think about her as she is almost a recluse now and all contact is through my long suffering (weak) Dad, but sometimes I feel sad and mourn for a relationship which I have not had since I was younger than ten. Sorry, feeling a bit down about it all.

I know these things are just commercial crass, it's like Christmas, everyone assumes the mother/child relationship is sacrosanct.

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 25/03/2014 19:40

It saddened me to read your accounts, and in the same breadth made me feel fortunate to have a good relationship with my mum.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 25/03/2014 19:55

I have a poor relationship with my (in the past verbally, emotionally, physically abusive) mother but things would really kick off if she didn't get cards from me & DC.
I wish I could send a card saying "thanks for showing me how NOT to be a mother" but settle for the plainest I can get. All feels a bit hypocritical but it's better than dealing with the fallout (coward)

Caitlin17 · 25/03/2014 20:00

It's just a random made up date with tenuous links to mothering Sunday. It isn't even the same day worldwide. The day varies from as early as February to as late as Ocean.

I don't understand why some women make such a big deal out of it.

weasle · 25/03/2014 20:11

Baberuthless, I could have written your post. In fact lots of the posts on here. She's staying with me at the moment, which is, as always, terrible. I stupidly look forward to her coming and within a matter of hours I'm reminded how poisonous she is. I'm yet to look for a suitably bland card. Luckily the DC will I hope make her one as well. The playing happy families is very false and tiring.

snippyMcSnippy · 25/03/2014 20:21

Glad it isn't just me!

theywillgrowup · 25/03/2014 20:26

glad this thread was made

this will be the fist mothers day that i will not be sending my mother a card,this year i finally went NC after years of trying to please her etc,i realised i didnt have to put up with her coldness,critisism etc etc

years i have spent wishing she we could have had a normal mother daughter relationship like my friends but ive finally realised that will never happen

very mixed feelings about this year but im not going to conform anymore

justmyview · 25/03/2014 20:32

Perhaps console yourself by remembering that Mothering Sunday was originally about allowing servants to go home to see their mothers / families once per year ie not the modern day sentimental stuff we have now. I go through the motions of sending my mum a card, we get on OK ish, but not very close and I would love our relationship (past and present) to be better so I do feel your pain

NoonarAgain · 25/03/2014 20:34

I have unresolved issues with my mum at the moment, and feel very resentful that I am obliged to acknowledge her at this time, as my heart is not in it :(

2fedup · 25/03/2014 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabeRuthless · 26/03/2014 06:18

Ruby - I'll have to look for that book, thanks for the tip.

Weasel - Visits can be the worst, it's hard putting on that false smile when you're screaming inside! Luckily my Mum won't put herself out to visit very often. I don't know if I should be sad or relieved that my son has pretty much no relationship with her.

MusicalEndorphins · 26/03/2014 07:03

Trust me rubyblue , you are not alone.

Hissy · 26/03/2014 07:44

This is my first fully NC MD. I feel freer to be honest.

Pisses me off that MY dm had an equal fuss made of her along with my GM, yet when i'm a mother myself, and therefore technically it's my turn too, i'm only invited to worship HER MD.

No bugger bothered to ever take DS out to get me MD presents, and only sporadically for birthday or christmas. I gave him money, took him to a lovely shop and hid in a corner this christmas so he could choose a surprise for me.

He's 'taking' me for lunch at his favourite restaurant this MD!

MummyBeerest · 26/03/2014 08:16

Mother's Day isn't til May here, and I dread it every year. Our family's annual tradition has always been my mother expressing her immense disappointment in my sister and me and then we eat cake. I've left the house in a rage many times.

Since becoming a mother, DH has made the day about me. Sleeping in, going somewhere nice for a meal, then just spending time with DD and him. It's great.

This infuriates my mother. The whole day is tainted with guilt because I won't be at her house, doing what she wants.

I feel your pain. But try to remember- -as should I-- that making it a happy day for yourself is healthier and easier, with more pay off in the long run, than getting through a miserable day in the vain hope that she'll be made happy.

HesterShaw · 29/03/2014 17:49

I won't even be sending mine a card this year. Anything telling her she's a fit mother would be a lie.

Amy106 · 29/03/2014 21:44

You mourn the mother daughter relationship that might have been and that's rough.

streakybacon · 30/03/2014 08:44

That's true, Amy.

justmyview · 30/03/2014 11:24

So true Amy106

Dawndonnaagain · 30/03/2014 12:38

Don't speak to mine. She is a manipulative, abusive, toxic narcissist with whom I wish no contact whatsoever. I used to mourn the relationship, but I have tried so often, I gave up when I was 53.

loveandsmiles · 30/03/2014 12:53

YANBU
My first NC and no card Mother's Day. It's not nice to hear others are going through the same but it is comforting to know I am not alone.

Flowers to you all x x x

sweetkitty · 30/03/2014 13:04

Can I quietly join? Facebook filled with photos of mums and daughters and like others I mourn the mother and daughter relationship I should have.

Been NC for over 5 years now so I don't have to spend half an hour in a card shop choosing the plainest, least soppy card.

Katkins1 · 30/03/2014 13:10

Can I join you here? My Mum left the family when I was 4, then in three years of weekend contact, allowed me to abused and neglected in her care. Left me to grow up with an alcoholic and violent Father, have met her once on my adult life. She's never met my DD, I don't even know where she lives anymore. I have just looked on facebook, and posted a picture of my DD instead and will spend the day doing all the stuff I do to make her life better- like ironing her uniform and keeping the flat clean. Things I never had.

Preciousbane · 30/03/2014 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doitmyself · 30/03/2014 13:27

Me too. Terrible relationship with her as I was never good enough. Now she does the martyr thing ' I am old and wont be here next year'. I am sat here at 1.30 still not having called her because I dont want too but feeling guilty.

Aldwick · 30/03/2014 13:48

I also go through the motions but send a plain 'happy mother's day' card because anything gushing would be totally hypocritical. Very tempted by one I saw the other day 'Happy Mother's Day even though I basically raised myself'

SEmyarse · 30/03/2014 14:14

No wonder I can never find a plain non-gushing card, there must be a huge demand for them!

I'm another one in a pickle over this. Spent the morning delaying phoning her. It adds to my stress that mother's day is always on a sunday, a day I never phone on because it gives her a chance to moan I've not gone to church.

Then the phone went once, from a friend, and then it went again, so I thought it was her again and would be quick, so picked it up despite my eggs for lunch being nearly ready, and it was my mum. So ended the call quickly saying I'd call back in a minute, but she said she was going out and could I phone this evening, which is fine, but now it's hanging over me all bloody day now.

I find the whole situation very difficult, since my main angst is over the way one of my brothers is being, and has been treated, not me. And I really don't think she gets why I'm bothered by this. But I don't feel I can blow it all up into a huge confrontation without causing my brothers a load of flack.