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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a mothers day card.

44 replies

NiaceGuidelines · 23/03/2014 15:59

It will be my first mothers day. I have a 6 month old DS. He's beautiful. I went back to work part time a few weeks ago. My husband has called me 'selfish and neglectful mother' said things like ' YOU think YOU deserve a good nights sleep' told me that if I didn't listen to him I'd have social services to listen to. He told me my parenting was in the same league as two people, one who has had children removed for battery, one who has a CIN 3 in place for neglect.

I have been spoken to like i'm not even a person.

All I have done is not follow his orders to9 take DS temperature in the night and give him calpol. He was asleep, and go back to work basically...oh and spend time organizing my social life via facebook. He hates facebook.

I have told him that buying me a mothers day card would be an insult. He has said it's not about him it's about DS. I kicked him out for a week, he is now home under the agreement, (his idea) that we dont discuss anything) and go to relate.

I am hurting so much and feel desperately sad and lonely and have no idea how to get past this. I cant sleep well and just feel like crying all the time. I want him to leave but feel i owe it to or marriage and DS to try and get through it.

I really dont want a mothers day card. Not that he has brought. Not after he has said those things to me.

OP posts:
StarSwirl92 · 23/03/2014 16:04

You owe him nothing. You owe yourself happiness.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/03/2014 16:05

Kick him out again

blanchedeveraux · 23/03/2014 16:09

I think you've got bigger problems than the receiving or not receiving of a Mother's Day card frankly.

Has he always been like this, i.e. abusive and controlling or just since the birth of your DS?

Don't stay with this guy, your DS will be much more happy and well adjusted in future life without this arsehole's horrible influence.

PissesGlitter · 23/03/2014 16:10

Do you and your son a huge favour and kick him out for good
I have never woken a sleeping child to take their temp or to give calpol
A sleep is as good as medicine sometimes

lanbro · 23/03/2014 16:10

He sounds like a dick! How long have you been married? Was ds planned? You owe it to yourself to be happy.

LoofahVanDross · 23/03/2014 16:10

Sounds a complete twat, sorry. Is he not capable of taking the baby's temp if he is that concerned. The man needs to go.

pricklyPea · 23/03/2014 16:15

You need to kick him back out. You sound like you're worn down by this.

What gives him the right to abuse you like this? None.

Your domain deserves better than a man who abuses his mother.

MerryMarigold · 23/03/2014 16:17

I really don't think this has anything to do with a mother's day card. But if you think that, you both need help.

ICanSeeTheSun · 23/03/2014 16:17

I have never woken my children to take their temputure or give calpol.

Original poster
NiaceGuidelines · 23/03/2014 16:29

merry of course it doesn't but the mothers day card issue is something that just really hurts today. That's all. We have been married 3 years together for 10. I dont know whats happened really. DS was planned. We had fertility treatment. I am absolutely gutted. I cannot see how we can get past this. In the meantime. I dont want a fucking mothers day card that he has chosen on behalf of DS

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/03/2014 16:37

He's not redeeming himself is he?

The social services comment would have finished it for me.

And the MD card is just another symbol of him trying to exert his 'authority' so I can see why the OP's upset.

Not seeing what he's bringing to this marriage to be honest.

shanghidawn · 23/03/2014 16:45

Why is it your issue for going back to work, if he feels that your child should have a parent at home why is he not handing his notice in? Your child has two parents and if he insults you for working then the insult he is throwing relates to him also.

FabBakerGirl · 23/03/2014 16:46

He sounds a controlling twat and you sound very defensive. I just don't get why you think it would be an insult for him to give you a card from your child.

Was your child ill? Did he need his temperature taking? You can do it without waking a child and he could have taken it if he felt so strongly. I suggest you sort yourself out and finish things as it does not sound like a healthy home for your baby.

aintnothinbutagstring · 23/03/2014 17:13

I think a mothers day card is the least of your problems!

He sounds unhinged, is he a social worker? Otherwise I can't understand the references to social services.

aintnothinbutagstring · 23/03/2014 17:15

Was there something leading up to his comments? I mean did you have some less than ideal parenting moments due to PND or sleep deprivation? Seems like theres a huge backstory.

MerryMarigold · 23/03/2014 18:51

Why are you still talking about the mother's day card? Agree there is huge back story.

Original poster
NiaceGuidelines · 23/03/2014 21:18

Why are you still talking about the mother's day card?

Because the thought of receiving one that has been chosen by my DH who has called me a terrible parent really hurts. It is my first mothers day and I want to feel nice.

DS has been ill, i didnt take his temp or give calpol as told to by DH and also began giving teeny tiny amounts of solid before I was supposed to. DH really pissed off with me.

DH also feels I dont meet his needs, whatever they are, i havent got a fucking clue, it is a cyclical argument that hasnt reared its ugly head for ages. DH is furious with me for this again and thinks he can 'see the same happening to DS' I.e me not meeting DS's needs.
DH loses his shit with me over the period of about 4 days, calls me manipulative, selfish, abusive, accuses me of caring more about my work than DS.

I still struggle to see what i've done wrong. Ds is clean, fed, played with, NCT'd, socialised, walked, cuddled, read to cuddled a bit more, breastfed, routined, interacted with (to death some times!) meeting every single milestone and more. Apparently I dont have normal emotions.

He has said he cant find anything likable about me and I'm controlling. The person he compared me too (one of the abusive parents - the batterer) is his mother.

So I dont really want a mothers day card that he has chosen on behalf of DS after having my parenting compared to that of someone who is abusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
NiaceGuidelines · 23/03/2014 21:26

nannyogg thanks for seeing the issue re the card.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 23/03/2014 21:30

So I dont really want a mothers day card that he has chosen on behalf of DS after having my parenting compared to that of someone who is abusive.

So you're happy to live with him, sleep in the same bed, share food together, co-parent with him, but you don't want a mother's day card from him. I am Confused. Genuinely.

Just take it and bin it. It's not a big deal.

MerryMarigold · 23/03/2014 21:32

And if you're not happy to live with him, sleep with him, co-parent with him - then you have bigger issues than a mother's day card. That is what I have been trying to say.

mrsjay · 23/03/2014 21:32

you own this man nothing and if i ma honest do you want your son see him treat you like this and for your son to think this is the way to treat women please dont put up with this,

justtoomessy · 23/03/2014 21:37

Jesus what on earth are you doing with this man! Throw the decking arse out! I would not want that man around my child. He's abusive, selfish and very nasty.

Put your son first and throw his dad out.

Original poster
NiaceGuidelines · 23/03/2014 21:38

Yes, he moved out for a week and we are going for counselling. We have decided not to discuss the issues until then. The card thing just feels like salt in wound.

merry I'm not fucking happy at all. I didnt say i was. Yes, maybe ill chuck it away and buy myself one;

OP posts:
Original poster
NiaceGuidelines · 23/03/2014 21:39

justtomessy I cant see it that i havent done anything wrong. I may have done, i can be a nightmare.

OP posts:
justwantitmadeforme · 23/03/2014 21:42

why on earth did you take the tosser back? he sounds awful.

I don't blame you for not wanting a card off him from your ds.

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