Unable to forgive my parents for constant smacking when I was a child

[MrsMcColl]

Reading another thread today on strangers advising parents to smack their children made me think - again - about my own childhood. I think about it a lot, even though I'm in my 40s and have a life of my own that's separate to my parents. I just can't let it go.

They were very brutal. My dad used his leather belt on my brother and me. My mum used a wooden spoon. It happened often. I don't think our behaviour was unusually terrible, but they were clearly disgusted and disappointed with us. Every smacking was preceded and followed with the words, 'this is the only language you understand'. They truly believed in the rightness of it. They are very religious (evangelical protestant), and saw it as necessary to instil righteousness into us.

If they said they were sorry and were open to discussing why they did it, I might forgive them. But as it is, I just can't. We have a very distant relationship now, and both my brother and I have anger issues that we struggle to resolve. I have always struggled with low self-esteem.

Am I being unreasonable not to just put it in the past and focus on my life now with DH and DCs? I find it so hard not to dwell on it and I think I hate my parents. How to let it go?

Bumps it was not unusual back then at all,and trying to get help from social services or the police was really very very hard.

This was still happening in the 80s/90s. My parents justification was that they got much worse when they were children.

My DM slapped, usually on the arm/legs although she dislocated my arm once yanking me across a room.

DF slapped me across the face usually whilst telling me I was a little bitch. But he was fond of random violence that was 'funny'. A hot teaspoon on your hand, slap across the back of the head for no reason (I still don't like people walking behind me during dinner, this is when he usually did it). He stuck my head in the sink once when I was washing up and I smashed a pint glass with my forehead. Any response which wasn't laughing was met with "your a miserable bitch"

OP that's beating, not smacking. I'm in my 40s and my mum says she smacked me once, aged 3, (I have no memory of it) and my Dad smacked me twice, hard, across the arse as I ran upstairs drunk and told him to piss off. I think I turned out ok.

I've smacked all of mine from time to time, last time was yesterday when my 4 year old climbed over a train seat and kicked another passenger in the head (by accident) and then spat at me as I told him off. I was dealing with his baby brother at the time and couldn't get to him in time, and he had been warned and told repeatedly. It wasn't hard, but was enough to bring him back to himself and sit down.

And OP YANBU regarding your parents. It's very sad for all of you and bizarre that they thought that was the way to love their children.

Op YANBU to refuse to forgive them. My parents also ruled by fear and while I still have contact they are not my mum and dad IYSWIM?

It was brought home to me when I had DS as I just can't imagine treating him the same way, no matter what he did. My parents also put on a great front for others and I am seen as the difficult one in the family for refusing to agree his wonderful they are. When they die I will not be sad as my parents died for me a long time ago. Also any money they leave will go straight to DS as I don't want anything that is theirs.

Mrsmaccoll I experienced this from my dad too. Smacking so bad I couldn't sit down, and being held in the air with his hands round my throat. It started when I was a young child and continued until I was a teenager. I wasn't particularly naughty, smacking seemed to be a response to any emotion he experienced.The thing that hurts more was that my mum watched it all and made excuses for my dad

I don't know how to resolve it - my dad died when my oldest DS was a baby. I had intended to inform him that I would break off all contact if he smacked DS. I know my dad had a shitty childhood and basically didn't know how to be a parent, but it doesn't make it ok. I still struggle with my mum - if my DH hit our DC I would leave him instantly, why did she not step in. I can never buy 'to the best mum in the world' type cards.

I think people need to remember that in the 70s and80s corporal punishment of children was the norm, not just in homes but in schools as well.Hitting children with implements ' was government approved
Caning was only abolished in state schools in 1987 and in independent schools in 1998!!! I think it is a little unfair to hold grudges aginst parents for following what was the prevailing wisdom at the time.

I very much agree that what your parents did was abuse. And these days it's something they could potentially go to prison for, or have their children taken away from them.

Shocked to see other people have similar stories.

In terms of moving on, I don't see why you have to forgive them, especially if they haven't asked for forgiveness. They are violent criminals. Imagine if you went up to someone on the street and attacked them like that. How does it become more acceptable because it's a child?

I know you say you've tried therapy but perhaps it's a question of trying the right therapist for you - maybe one who specialises in CBT or EMDR, which is known to have good results. But it's quite understandable if you never move on.

No point in forgiveness. It changes nothing.

My mother has this stupid line she trots out that she only ever smacked me three times. Strangely, she can remember the exact figure, but not the situations. I know from my own memories it was more than that, and I just wish she'd be honest. I think she has some bullshit special category of "tapping" for most of it.

Yes, I was smacked, and no, I'm not all right. Most of the times I was smacked or disciplined harshly that I remember, it was for things that were mistakes or errors of judgement, or for showing frustration, rather than out and out naughtiness, which neither she nor dad ever knew how to handle.

Some of these stories are truly awful but not one of them is a story about smacking!

Systematic abuse; beatings, emotional abuse etc is not smacking!

It's abuse. My older siblings were raised from the sixties. I came along early 80s.

A smack was a smack ie a tap on the bum/top of the legs usually if we did something dangerous like step out on the road.

I'm shocked at what your parents did under the guise of 'smacking'.

to you all.

In terms of forgiveness, this article by the very wise and lovely Desmond Tutu is good.

I was reading it yesterday.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/mar/22/archbishop-desmond-tutu-sorry-hard-to-say

As a child I accepted that regular smacking was just the way things were. Nobody ever talked about it much, it just happened. I preferred the quick, stinging slap to being shaken so hard that my head rolled all over while my mother hissed threats at me - that scared me much more.

In the sixties and seventies child abuse was just never mentioned.

It was only when I had children of my own that I started to think about the extreme amount of smacks I received as a child. I think my resentment comes from the fact that I was smacked for very minor reasons that didn't deserve such a reaction. I was constantly accused of being insolent, without DM ever explaining in what way she found me insolent. Sometimes she hit me because she didn't like the look on my face . Again, I couldn't understand why she was so angry when I wasn't even aware of looking at her in any particular way - I was a young child, not a sullen teen!

I think children know when they have done something very naughty and accept punishment (within reason, obviously,), but what festers is the sense of injustice if the sanction wasn't merited. Being punished unjustly gives a sense of powerlessness and worthlessness, and if repeated regularly destroys self-worth.

My DM regrets being so harsh with me, but I still have trouble forgiving her. It isn't normal that a child should be afraid of her mother, and I spent my childhood fearing her as well as loving her. We have a good relationship now, and as an adult I know the reason she acted as she did, but I still neither understand it nor forgive it. I try not to think about it too much, but I do resent the fact that I didn't have a carefree childhood.

pixiepotter, I was born in the mid 60s and I was not beaten - not ever.
I don't accept that beatings as the OP and others on here are describing was 'the norm' or 'prevailing wisdom'.

Corporal punishment in schools is a whole other circle of hell…. I had not idea it was still allowed in independent schools until so recently .

A "distant" relationship - if you need to have one at all - is exactly the thing to aim for in my view; you can do nothing about the way they are, but certainly you can minimise the effect they have on you now

I had a very violent father and a mother who was also terrified of upsetting him. I was nine years old when he told me I'd never been wanted and he usually took out his obvious hatred of me with his hands

My mum's now dead and he lives a lonely, friendless life with nobody who really cares for him ... karma is a wonderful thing

I agree with Pacific, that while smacking was normal, what the OP describes was not; it was beating and abuse. OP's parents are still trying to minimalise and normalise it by referring to it as smacking. If they are not even honest about what they did and they are not expressing any shame or remorse, I don't see how OP can forgive them or why she would want to. I would second some sort of counselling for her own benefit, though certainly not for theirs.

Thank you for starting this thread.

I can relate to a lot of what has been posted; in our house as a child my db and I were terrified of our father. As as been posted already, our father was the only person allowed to express anger- I've never before been able to put my finger on that issue.

He was extremely aggressive, bullying behaviour, beat my brother regularly and me once but I've never forgotten it.

I too feel like I've had anger and self esteem issues all my life as a result. I married a man who was the exact opposite of my father.

I don't feel any love for my father and I can't help but feel guilty.

I totally get what you are saying MrsMc. I am same age as you and have similar feelings.

As others have said your parents crossed the line between the routine 'smacking' that was common at that time into something more abusive and cruel.

My dad never hurt me but my mum hit us with sticks, slapped us, pulled our hair and kicked us.

I see quite a bit of her, she's a much gentler grandmother but I can't ever truly forgive her for the physical abuse, particularly as she only ever did it to us girls and never my brother.

I have great difficulty expressing anger. Red , your post made me realise why - my mother was the only one in our house who had the right to show anger. My father and I had to shut up and not upset her.

I have great difficulty expressing anger. Red , your post made me realise why - my mother was the only one in our house who had the right to show anger. My father and I had to shut up and not upset her.

yanbu to think about it often or to struggle to forgive them and move on. You are entitled to hate them for that and pick and choose what sort of relationship, if any, you are prepared to have with them. Put yourself first now and know they will never apologise for it, sad but almost certainly true.

OP, your experiences resonate with mine as a child - the difference is that I ended up on the Child Protection Register and in care. You were abused, not smacked.

I had a horrific childhood with sexual abuse as well but I do not use that as an excuse to beat or even smack my children. I don't think your parents deserve to be forgiven as they don't think they did anything wrong. I would concentrate on having a relationship with your own children which is ruled by love and not fear.

The stories here are heartbreaking. I agree wholeheartedly, this is not talking about 'smacking', this is talking about physical abuse, assault and bodily harm, and the feelings associated with those awful experiences.

My mother smacked when we really pushed it - one firm smack on the bum, it stung for a few minutes. Never dragging around, shaking, threatening, manhandling, rough handling, I was never afraid of her although I knew exactly where her line was, and I have no resentment over any of it - I don't even remember a specific incidence. That's what I term smacking. I DO remember the one occasion I made her so angry she wouldn't talk to me for most of the day, and how devastated I was by that.

I was (and still am) afraid of my father who never laid a hand on any of us, but had tantrums at the EA/DV end of the market.

Gosh how awful OP. It's awful the way some things within families just become 'that's what we were..' and no-one dares to mention it or confront it again even into adulthood. It all just hardens into 'our family'.

I was smacked sometimes but looking back I wonder why, I was quite unchallenging really. It was maybe a generational answer to dissent, but not one I've ever used with my own dc. Of course MrsMcColl is talking about so much worse if items were used to hit with.

For me though the problem was more emotional. My father would just shut down and withdraw all communication if he was angry. Well there would be glaring and the silent treatment, sometimes for a days which is hard to understand when you're small.

He still does it now. One look is all it now takes - it's so subtle, and I know he's furious about some unsaid thing but won't say what . Other times he's fine and we get along very well and are close which makes it all the harder to bear. I'm nearly 50 and it still makes me feel dreadful and sick.

We never speak of it though and my mother just skates over it. It's become normal in our family even though it's not.

Its interesting reading all this. As a child my mother very occasionally gave me a smack on the bum, it was when we were quite little and possibly hard to reason with and it probably "got through" "quicker" if not better than another approach but I don't have any resentment about that.

My father, however, would from time to time lose his shit and give what he called "a clip over the ear" which in actual fact was quite a hard blow to the side of the head with his massive hand (he is 6 foot 4 and built like a brick dunny) and that was awful. It was usually in a state of high emotion because some crisis was unfolding so it was even worse to suddenly have that happen too.

Apparently, unbeknownst to me at the time, my mother sat him down when I was in my early/mid teens and told him in no uncertain terms that she would not be tolerating any violence towards either of us any more and that if he couldn't resist then he'd have to move out and get anger management training before he was allowed back! From that point on he never hit us again. I am grateful to my mum for that and he should be grateful too, because I did get to an age where I realised it was actually illegal and so far removed from smacking or general discipline that I might have been tempted to go to the police.

I had a sort of falling out (brief) with my Dad when he visited last year (they are in Australia) and my children were playing up (not used to having to share me with other people and my parents tend to dominate the conversation, the TV, everything and ignore the children which at 4 and 6 had an affect on their behaviour) and I was at my wits end and Dad made some kind of snide comment about them needing a clip over the ear and I gave him a good dressing down. I said "I will not be hitting my children, ever, it damaged my relationship with you and I won't jeopardise my relationship with them" and he looked genuinely surprised and shocked. He probably has no real idea of the impact and really was able to justify it to himself.

There was one incident that we can all laugh at though even though technically its not funny and could have been very dangerous. My brother was a teen and being a genuine testosterone filled sulky arsehole and my dad lost his shit and threw a block of cheese at him. It narrowly skimmed his ear then bounced of the wall. Mum wasn't there and we all stood there shocked for a sec then burst out laughing as Dad went and picked up the cheese, picked some dog hairs off it and continued making his sandwich. That was the good thing about Dad, you had an argument, he lost his shit and then it was like nothing happened.

Whilst mum was not a violent type, an argument with her meant days and days of passive aggressive sulking and sighing and the cold shoulder and in a way I preferred my Dad's style of losing his shit and getting over it in a hurry.

Families are complicated. I really choose my battles with my lot and I don't smack, if they turn out okay and are happy and our relationship is intact assuming we survive their teen years possibly co-inciding with my menopause (I've done the maths!) then that'd be great! I'll do my best...