Unable to forgive my parents for constant smacking when I was a child

[MrsMcColl]

Reading another thread today on strangers advising parents to smack their children made me think - again - about my own childhood. I think about it a lot, even though I'm in my 40s and have a life of my own that's separate to my parents. I just can't let it go.

They were very brutal. My dad used his leather belt on my brother and me. My mum used a wooden spoon. It happened often. I don't think our behaviour was unusually terrible, but they were clearly disgusted and disappointed with us. Every smacking was preceded and followed with the words, 'this is the only language you understand'. They truly believed in the rightness of it. They are very religious (evangelical protestant), and saw it as necessary to instil righteousness into us.

If they said they were sorry and were open to discussing why they did it, I might forgive them. But as it is, I just can't. We have a very distant relationship now, and both my brother and I have anger issues that we struggle to resolve. I have always struggled with low self-esteem.

Am I being unreasonable not to just put it in the past and focus on my life now with DH and DCs? I find it so hard not to dwell on it and I think I hate my parents. How to let it go?

[thegreylady]

I am lucky. I was born in 1944 and was never ever smacked though there was the occasional threat. My own dc had very occasional slaps when I was driven to distraction neither they nor I can really remember anything specific. My dgc have never been smacked either.

[thegreylady]

I do remember once throwing an empty plastic cup at ds aged 15 at the time. I remember carefully aiming to miss and it bounced off the wall I caught it and we both collapsed in giggles!

[NurseyWursey]

My stepdad once chucked a ham and cheese baguette at my head because I found out he'd been cheating on my mum.

Funny now but horrible at the time.

[TattyDevine]

Waste of a good baguette Nursey. If he'd kept his baguette in his pants he wouldn't have had to do that!

[Sparklysilversequins]

My mum used to beat us too, with wooden spoons that I had to get from the kitchen and once a bamboo came from the garden (we lived in Cyprus) and it grew there. I was five, what could I possibly have done that warranted that?

She would choke me, once till I passed out, spit in my face, kick, slap and punch me with all of her strength, it happened right from when I can remember, aged five till I was 18 and turned on her. I remember her going to hit me in the face and I grabbed her hands to stop her and threw her across the kitchen, she came at me again and I did it again. I told her I was 18 years old and I would not let her hit me again. I feel like a coward that I let it go on for so long.

It was verbal and emotional too, she would call me terrible names like "slut" when I was about 7 for having an untidy room.

My whole childhood was utter fear. I was terrified of her. I can't count the times I sat at school waiting to go home to be punished for something that had happened in the morning.

My Dad knew and though he only ever hit us a couple of times he once said to me "you'll be leaving home in a couple of years and then it will be me and your Mum, I will never take your side against her". As I sat there with a black eye and scratches and bruises all over me.

I have no relationship with them now, can't stand them actually. I let them see my kids occasionally and they play the adoring grandparents but I despise them.

There's so much more I could write but I would be here all day.

[MrsMcColl]

Thank you all so much for sharing your own stories and perspectives - reading all this is helping me loads. It's so hard sometimes to see clearly what's really going on in your own family.

There's so much to it all I don't really know where to start or how to tell the story coherently. The counsellor I saw for a while was very helpful - but I ran out of money to keep seeing her. She said the same thing as most people here - that it was abuse. But still a small voice in my head told me I must be overreacting or remembering wrong. I know I'm not though.

I know that physical punishment used to be much more the norm. But other people's childhoods usually sound different to mine! I mostly got hit for being 'cheeky'. Another poster said her mother hit her because she didn't like the look on her face - same here!

I firmly believe that my parents knew at the time that it wasn't okay. They were big on 'family secrets' and 'keeping things in the family'. We weren't supposed to tell anyone. (Their line was a confused mix of 'no-one must know' and 'it's no big deal'.)

One Christmas, my father had beaten me on Christmas morning while we were opening our stockings - he thought I was ungrateful for my presents. My mother told me sternly that I had to stop crying before church, and covered my face with foundation (I was very young) to try to hide the tearstains. There was no remorse for this. They apparently believed - and yes I know how this sounds! - that 'the devil attacks Christian families before church'. That's a pretty good excuse, no?

My mother did once tell me that if she'd known how much children remember, she'd have brought us up differently. But they firmly insist that parents' failure to discipline their children is why society is on the road to hell. So what can you do.

A distant relationship is all I can manage. They will never admit they did wrong. So I shouldn't expect it. Feel better for unloading a bit. Thanks again.

[whois]

Fucking hell there are some really terrible stories of child abuse here :-( Hope you're all doing ok now.

[MrsMcColl]

Actually, I've just realised how angry I am. You all have made me feel less crazy - but fucking hell, how appalling that so many of us had our childhoods blighted by abusive, awful parents.

[cjbk1]

I could almost have written that post OP but mine are a well known Christian door to door preaching religion......
smacking everyday; "if you won't listen you'll have to feel" "this is just a gentle warning" "wait till daddy gets home" "spare the rod spoil the child" "you must inculcate Gods word"
hairbrushes, umbrellas and smacking spoons broken on me....
scar still on my leg from being hit with a metal ended belt aged 14 and dad wanted me to pull down my knickers this was the beginning of the end of any meaningful relationship with them....
I've even tried to discuss it with them but they conveniently don't recall anything...
tried to tell them at the time I couldn't respect them while they were being physically abusive to me but they just said "you must respect us"
makes me so so angry I won't come back to check this thread sorry it happened to you OP ??

[pixiepotter]

By calm smack, I didn't mean a big time delay.I meant a smack not delivered in the heat of a parent's red mist, just take a couple of seconds to consider, otherwise I think it is all too easy for smacking to become a reflex.
As I said I don't smack in fact I have very rarely punished any of my childre.Children I have found want to please adults and behave well.It is always more productive to look at why they misbehave and put in strategies to cope with it.Parents need to help children to be good.

[BlessedAssurance]

Wow MrsMacColl that is so sad. My parents used to hit us too but only if we did something really bad. I can count the number of times we were smacked and it was not many..5 times or less. My mum's was more like smacking not hitting. My dad would threaten with his belt but rarely. They had 8 kids and i think they did ok. Some might call it abuse. However what i remember most was that we were loved. It was the norm back then to smack and hit and even our teachers had permission from parents to hit us[i hated it]. One issue i had with my dad was when i had joined with a wrong group i stole a pack of cookies from a shop and the security called my dad. My uncle happened to be at the house when my dad began interrogating me and they both took off their belts and hit me for china. My uncle even more because he just did not like me. I never understood why they did it but my father was very upset afterwards and felt guilty for ages. He never hit me again. I was 8 yrs i think.

One lesson i learned that day was if i ever stole something again i would be in serious trouble. For some reason my dad hated anyone stealing and it so happened that i was just getting started. Before the cookies i had grabbed something at a market place and ran. I was chased down the street by a small crowd shouting " thief, thief" . They could not catch me because i was in my school athletics team. I know for a fact that i was going the wrong way and my dad put an end to it. As for the uncle i don't give a rat's ass about him.

My lovely dad apologised to me years later when i was older and told me that it is one of his greatest regrets.. My big brother on the other hand, tosser..

[BlueFrenchHorn]

This thread has really upset me. I'm so deeply sorry for those of you who have had to endure this abuse.

[NurseyWursey]

Waste of a good baguette Nursey. If he'd kept his baguette in his pants he wouldn't have had to do that!

I wish I would have thought of that line at the time

[TattyDevine]

Hindsight eh Nursey. It was probably more of a penne pasta piece

[PacificDogwood]

MrsMcColl, I am sure you are not remembering wrong. And I am glad that you are angry. Hang on to that anger, but use it to find the strength and energy to live your life as you want to live it. Set boundaries and absofuckinglutely see your parents as little as you find you can cope with. Be assertive and authoritative (NOT authoritarian) with your own children. Seek further therapy whenever that is feasible.
Do not waste your time, energy and happiness on waiting for any kind of acknowledgement that your parents did wrong or apology from them. If it were to come it is up to you whether you feel you can accept it, but don't wait for it. Don't make your own life's contentment dependent on whether they will apologise or not.

[borisgudanov]

My F was a violent abusive bullying ogre who employed my M in the role of royal gas lighter. Her job was to make me think his behaviour was normal and I deserved it. Smacking, kicking, punching, throwing and dragging me up and down stairs, solitary confinement for say 6 - 8 hours, throwing objects at me, destroying my stuff, all grist to the bastard's mill and he seemed to me to get aroused by it.

When I was about 15 he called me downstairs and placed me in front of a turd on the carpet, about which I obviously knew nothing. However he insisted I had shited on the carpet deliberately and how long I took to clear it up would determine the punishment. It ended up with him throwing me face down into it and rubbing my face in it and the kicking and punching and locking me up in the usual way. In my room afterwards I decided I would despise him until the day he died. He did not stop treating me like this until I was safely away at Uni; then he could just use money to control me instead. He prioritised his hobby over my graduation, which also won't be forgiven.

Now he's well over 80 and although physical violence is beyond him he is nevertheless the most astounding prat in the known universe. He embarrasses himself and me in public like you wouldn't believe. He turned up to our wedding and sat at top table in a filthy T-shirt. He announced in front of all the guests at DFIL's big birthday party that the entertainment was "shite". He completely ignores his DGSs as though they didn't exist.

But the real problem is that until I was 40 the bastard had me convinced I deserved nothing, would amount to nothing, and was worth less than the shite he'd rubbed my nose in a quarter of a century earlier. Which, of course, like the rest of it, they both pretend is a figment of my imagination.

Forgive him? When pigs fucking fly.

[borisgudanov]

My F was a violent abusive bullying ogre who employed my M in the role of royal gas lighter. Her job was to make me think his behaviour was normal and I deserved it. Smacking, kicking, punching, throwing and dragging me up and down stairs, solitary confinement for say 6 - 8 hours, throwing objects at me, destroying my stuff, all grist to the bastard's mill and he seemed to me to get aroused by it.

When I was about 15 he called me downstairs and placed me in front of a turd on the carpet, about which I obviously knew nothing. However he insisted I had shited on the carpet deliberately and how long I took to clear it up would determine the punishment. It ended up with him throwing me face down into it and rubbing my face in it and the kicking and punching and locking me up in the usual way. In my room afterwards I decided I would despise him until the day he died. He did not stop treating me like this until I was safely away at Uni; then he could just use money to control me instead. He prioritised his hobby over my graduation, which also won't be forgiven.

Now he's well over 80 and although physical violence is beyond him he is nevertheless the most astounding prat in the known universe. He embarrasses himself and me in public like you wouldn't believe. He turned up to our wedding and sat at top table in a filthy T-shirt. He announced in front of all the guests at DFIL's big birthday party that the entertainment was "shite". He completely ignores his DGSs as though they didn't exist.

But the real problem is that until I was 40 the bastard had me convinced I deserved nothing, would amount to nothing, and was worth less than the shite he'd rubbed my nose in a quarter of a century earlier. Which, of course, like the rest of it, they both pretend is a figment of my imagination.

Forgive him? When pigs fucking fly.

[borisgudanov]

My F was a violent abusive bullying ogre who employed my M in the role of royal gas lighter. Her job was to make me think his behaviour was normal and I deserved it. Smacking, kicking, punching, throwing and dragging me up and down stairs, solitary confinement for say 6 - 8 hours, throwing objects at me, destroying my stuff, all grist to the bastard's mill and he seemed to me to get aroused by it.

When I was about 15 he called me downstairs and placed me in front of a turd on the carpet, about which I obviously knew nothing. However he insisted I had shited on the carpet deliberately and how long I took to clear it up would determine the punishment. It ended up with him throwing me face down into it and rubbing my face in it and the kicking and punching and locking me up in the usual way. In my room afterwards I decided I would despise him until the day he died. He did not stop treating me like this until I was safely away at Uni; then he could just use money to control me instead. He prioritised his hobby over my graduation, which also won't be forgiven.

Now he's well over 80 and although physical violence is beyond him he is nevertheless the most astounding prat in the known universe. He embarrasses himself and me in public like you wouldn't believe. He turned up to our wedding and sat at top table in a filthy T-shirt. He announced in front of all the guests at DFIL's big birthday party that the entertainment was "shite". He completely ignores his DGSs as though they didn't exist.

But the real problem is that until I was 40 the bastard had me convinced I deserved nothing, would amount to nothing, and was worth less than the shite he'd rubbed my nose in a quarter of a century earlier. Which, of course, like the rest of it, they both pretend is a figment of my imagination.

Forgive him? When pigs fucking fly.

[PacificDogwood]

boris

I am speechless that he is still a part of your life .

[FindusCrispyShitCakes]

YANBU and you need closure. This doesn't mean you forgive them but I think you need to talk to them and get some answers about why they did what they did and how they felt when they did it. I've been through a slightly similar situation with my mum about my stepdad, having a daughter of my own made me realise that a lot of unacceptable things went on in my childhood, and I couldn't dream of putting my little girl through the same, so I needed answers.

I have to say confronting my mum has been an unpleasant experience and the fact that she is not as sorry or bothered about it all as I was hoping hasn't been easy, but were are very slowly working towards me getting answers and the closure I desperately need - like you I think about it every day and it bothers me. Hope you can take steps to get it resolved xx

[borisgudanov]

@pacific - he isn't. He only thinks he is.

[PacificDogwood]

boris, I'm relieved that you can see it like that.

Some really horrific stories here.
Much love and strength to you all.

[sykadelic]

There's a difference between a smack, and abuse. You were abused. It's understandable that you can't forget it.

I was smacked, remember it and why it was done (usually only when I was VERY naughty) and bear no ill will or marks or anything like that. It stopped as we got older and understood other punishments.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

I have found this thread very upsetting

14 and dad wanted me to pull down my knickers that is deeply disturbing.

How any body can call themselves a parent after doing this to thier own children.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

The pulling down knickers thing was often (at least in my case) intentionally done to ramp up the humiliation factor and was usually done when they knew you had got to the point where nothing physical they could do would work (from a satisfaction point not a punishment point) so they had to do something worse.

And making you remove clothes adds another layer of hurt, it was routinely something that happened to me in public. It goes a bit like this

1.physical hurt until after a few years of this you get to the point when you just don't care and they know you don't care often because you start saying stuff like "is that the best you can do?"

1. Clothing removed in private and whacked then that stops working the
   

3.trousers and pants pulled down in public and whacked.

I've also had the face rubbed in shit thing and was made to wear a nappy made out of a towel for several hours (age 13).and I dont think I will ever forget being forced to eat mouldy food that had been repeatedly served up to me because I had refused it and children couldn't be allowed to dislike meals.

I disclosed plenty of times back then to school, to the doctors,I even on at least 10 occasions walked into social services (with visible injuries) and spoke to social workers and have since obtained copies of the records made during those visits.i kept an extensive diary and the details of adult witnesses. As a child I was bright articulate and most certainly not nervous or shy not one person disbelieved me or thought I was exaggerating at least 3 reputable adults were willing to confirm things they had seen.it was not considered to be serious abuse as it would be today.

A social worker witnessed me being beaten with a belt and a shoe on more than one occasion (sounds odd but on reflection I know it to have been a display of apsolute power by my mother) and did not even raise her eyebrows.

In the last 15 years I took everything I had into a police station and talked to a duty inspector many weeks later I had a visit to be informed that they could do nothing because nothing that happened to me was an actual criminal offence at the time of the incidents.

My recollection of the time from talking to friends and things i saw as well as my own experances was not that it was normal but that it was not unusual whilst many people wouldn't do it or even think of it plenty of people did and thought it was perfectly acceptable conduct,a child being beaten in the street was not something that caused shocked looks or even much of a debate about acceptability,seeing something like that was more likely to make you think the child was out of control as opposed to the adult.