to be confused by Ex's attitude towards DS. Need opinions from someone on the outside??

[TheOrchardKeeper]

To cut a very long story short:

Fell pregant with DS a month into the relationship. It was a shitstorm so we ended it. He asked me to have an abortion frequently after that until I reached 24 weeks. Barely saw him as a baby and started building up contact through the second year and now DS is three. (a lot of work on my part but they started bonding gradually. However I've always made it clear that he could walk away and shut the door if he'd rather, as a dad who doesn't care is no good for DS anyway but it seems to have all gotten much better and he's been havign him overnight once a fortnight for 2 weeks).

His dad died when DS was a year, so I always try to factor in the fact that grief is a horrific thing and it was very unexpected. He feels like he has to live with his mum now his dad is gone which is fine if that works for them.

But his mum recently decided to move 250 miles away for cheaper housing and to leave the town (memories etc). He went with her and now contact has all gone crap.

He's called to say he's very stressed with driving so far for visits/returns (I don't drive but the family knew this upon moving) and can't see/have DS for the forseeable future but will try and continue payments.

I never know what to think because the whole 4 years (pregnancy included) it's been saying one thing (I love him, I want contact) and doing another (missing visits, dropping him off early because DS has been stressing him out and just saying how stressfull DS is etc well yes he's a toddler, no shit, plus I have him 90% of the time so I bloody know).

I'm being a bitch, aren't I?

I'm just so fed up of always being the understanding one who leaves the door open no matter what. I feel bad because I do empathise with him. I can't imagine that sort of grief but why did they move so far away (his mum seems to love seeing DS) and why have a half in half our approach? If you don't want to move nearer and can't handle visits but don't want to cut contact then what are you actually doing? Is it a breakdown?

(Also dealing with a whole heap of shit at our end atm which might be making me a grumpy bitch, though I'm trying my hardest to compartmentalize it)!

Scuse the essay

Thanks.

That's horrid break

Hope she's ok now? He's never once in the whole 3years asked how DS is in between contact. I won't hear from him til about a week or less before he wants contact. That looks shit on paper but he usually has him every other fortnight unless he cancelled so it wasn't as all over the place as it is now he's moved.

Stop letting it wind you up, if in doubt do nothing.

If you need to make it clear that you require more than 48 hours notice then ignore

I plan on it.

I wish I'd not bothered ages ago. It appears to have been a total waste

But at least I'm realizing it now rather than years later

(I secretly wish he'd just bugger off properly but that's not likely to happen so I just need to try and detach and forget about it. Just hate the fact it's so all over the place and that DS isn't a baby who has no idea anymore).

Just incase anybody starts twisting things.

Would you want him to disappear if he was a committed loving father?

No! Of course not.

I just wish I had the power to stop this half-arsed inconsistant bollocks...

If I wanted that then why would I have been a pushover and done so much to facilitate their relationship?

DS might not be a baby, but he is a toddler who will forget sooner rather than later, or at least not be worried about it. Better a 3 year old than 5, 10 or a teenager, when they take these things to heart and blame themselves.

DD is slowly getting past it all, ex had another baby at the beginning of the year and she has said that she's not bothered about her dad as long as she's seeing her sister. So I'm trying to maintain contact with the girlfriend/ex girlfriend (caan't keep up!) so they can see each other. Ex isn't likely to make the effort, so unfortunately I'm going to have to. Thanks for asking.

Ds is 14. We went to a wedding last year and my friend offered to get him a hot chocolate so I could talk shop with some other friends. Ds was so upset because he was convinced I was trying to get rid of him because I didn't want him around. That really hurt because I could see the damage that his father had done to him. It takes a very long time to repair things and I wish I'd have let things ebb away when he left when ds was 3. I thought it was in ds's best interest to have any relationship with his father but I was wrong.

Your son will be OK but don't push something that isn't there. As I said up there, somewhere, you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I'd just leave things. If he gets in touch then he gets in touch. Focus on your son, he has a wonderful mum and a good male role model in his life. A bit of sperm doesn't make a daddy, time and effort does and it sounds as though your DP is doing a grand job.

I was not meaning to be snippey,

Sometimes on threads like these you end up getting piled on by the its your fault for sleeping with him your a evil bio mother nrp's are perfect brigade and they can be unpleasant.

I just wanted to get you saying that on the thread to preempt just incase

that's how I read your post sock.

That's good, I posted then thought bugger hope that didn't sound like I was making a dig

If he asks for contact last minute, is he telephoning? I would respond by letter that you are pleased he's been in contact and are happy to arrange regular consistent contact. Be firm but fair, ask for arrangements to be made in advance in writing so that you, he, and DC know where you stand. Telephone calls at the last minute are not an appropriate way to arrange contact as it's too easy for misunderstandings, or for one parent to blame the other for either refusing contact or changing details.

If you do it by letter, you will also be able to keep a copy of what you send and receive so there can never be any question that you tried to be obstructive, only evidence that you tried to do what was best for DC, which is to encourage consistent contact and discourage an inconsistent mess.

If he's the type of parent I suspect he is, he won't be bothered to see things through, when he has to make a commitment and stick to it, leaving you to get on with things. Or, if he does - brilliant, best result all round.

*Of course, some parents can arrange contact via telephone and at last minute etc. it's just not appropriate in these sorts of situations where the contact has not been going smoothly.

It's always arranged a week before (or less). Even when it was one weekend-night a fortnight the pick up time was never the same so it involved trying to get hold of him (which is almost impossible as he never picks his phone up/doesn't reply for days) to set a pick up time.

And sorry sock I wasn't sure how you meant it! I know what you mean. Have seen it happen many a time on here!

ladymary - that's so sad Your poor DS. Hope he's doing better

Break - that sounds like a royal pain in the arse! Sounds like you're handling it very well though

I think I've always felt a bit guilty for keeping DS when I knew how he and his whole family felt about it. I feel like because of that, the inconsistency and any pain it might cause DS is sort of my fault because I knew there was a risk of ex being crap but went ahead anyway because I felt I really wanted DS/felt fiercely protective over the pregnancy once I knew I was pregnant, despite it being a complete accident and awful timing. But I shouldn't really, should I? I gave him a walk-away-free card and he didn't take it. He's an adult too. I don't often stop and think about why I've bothered so much with it but actually, written down, it seems silly and I don't think it's my fault. doesn't help that his dad has always brought up the 'well you chose to keep him' card in arguments, which is why I've avoided confrontations with him

Oops, long post. Excuse the navel-gazing