to be confused by Ex's attitude towards DS. Need opinions from someone on the outside??

[TheOrchardKeeper]

To cut a very long story short:

Fell pregant with DS a month into the relationship. It was a shitstorm so we ended it. He asked me to have an abortion frequently after that until I reached 24 weeks. Barely saw him as a baby and started building up contact through the second year and now DS is three. (a lot of work on my part but they started bonding gradually. However I've always made it clear that he could walk away and shut the door if he'd rather, as a dad who doesn't care is no good for DS anyway but it seems to have all gotten much better and he's been havign him overnight once a fortnight for 2 weeks).

His dad died when DS was a year, so I always try to factor in the fact that grief is a horrific thing and it was very unexpected. He feels like he has to live with his mum now his dad is gone which is fine if that works for them.

But his mum recently decided to move 250 miles away for cheaper housing and to leave the town (memories etc). He went with her and now contact has all gone crap.

He's called to say he's very stressed with driving so far for visits/returns (I don't drive but the family knew this upon moving) and can't see/have DS for the forseeable future but will try and continue payments.

I never know what to think because the whole 4 years (pregnancy included) it's been saying one thing (I love him, I want contact) and doing another (missing visits, dropping him off early because DS has been stressing him out and just saying how stressfull DS is etc well yes he's a toddler, no shit, plus I have him 90% of the time so I bloody know).

I'm being a bitch, aren't I?

I'm just so fed up of always being the understanding one who leaves the door open no matter what. I feel bad because I do empathise with him. I can't imagine that sort of grief but why did they move so far away (his mum seems to love seeing DS) and why have a half in half our approach? If you don't want to move nearer and can't handle visits but don't want to cut contact then what are you actually doing? Is it a breakdown?

(Also dealing with a whole heap of shit at our end atm which might be making me a grumpy bitch, though I'm trying my hardest to compartmentalize it)!

Scuse the essay

(And no OP you're not a bitch and how ex's mum could opt to move far from her grandson is baffling so vent away here, I don't blame you).

Vent away. Honestly, you're far from a bitch. Your son's very lucky to have you. That's almost 2 weeks, which is a heck of a long time for a child. It sounds as though he doesn't have the same bond with your son as you do, this isn't anyone's fault. It is wrong, you're right, but there isn't anything that you can do, this is all your ex.

I'd love a week off. I'd sod off to France for the week and drink a load of wine but I couldn't send ds off to spend a week with someone who knows so little about him and who clearly can't be bothered.

He's always made such a fuss and been such a bitch, for want of a better word, if I question him or pull him up on things so I've just pulled away for the last year. I don't have many people to talk to about it either so I have to judge for myself a lot and worry that I'm BU. DP is very angry.

I'm well now but I also suffer with anxiety/depression on/off and have a tendancy to swing towards being too passive. But I can easily recitfy it when I realize!

He's always told his friends/family that he had no choice and is very 'woe is me' about it (when it's me that's done the nitty gritty and hey, I didn't want a baby at that age originally but you just get on with life. Whining about the hand your dealt doesn't make your hand any better it only makes you bitter)!

I do get that he's also human, and does seem to have some sort of bond with DS...just not a very good one. And after 3 years, it's not likely to improve is it, especially with the new distance involved.

I doubt it will, chuck. Just keep the avenues open for your son to contact him (if he wants to) when he's older.

I intend to. It's just not looking good for much else.

I don't mind all the crap anyway. I just want what's best for DS and that is the only things sad about it. My heart aches for him sometimes tbh.

He's the happiest toddler I've even know though so I can't be doing too badly! I hope

*the only thing

Oops!

I'm well now but I also suffer with anxiety/depression on/off and have a tendency to swing towards being too passive.

I'm the same, I find that whenever I have stood up to people I always ended up over thinking it and torturing myself.

The trouble is that people tend to take advantage of this.

I suggest (and it's easy for me to say, I know) that it's time to leave him to it. If he wants to do nothing but wallow on his pity pot then that's his loss. You have done all you can.

If he doesn't want contact you can't make him and certainly don't beat yourself up for it BUT but will try and continue payments. regardless of contact he needs to be financially supporting his child.

Oh god, he bloody knows. He's tried using the crazy card on me before dick

I am just going NC (on my part). Have deleted all contacts for him/his DM and what will be will be.

It's not my problem is it?

He has you and your DP, so he has a family who love him and want him around. Sperm doesn't make a good dad, only a father, and they are 2 different things. Maybe focus on what he has now rather than what he could have, IYSWIM?

^ I'm giving him 2 months and if he cba i'll go through CSA. End of.

I'd do that sooner rather than later, TOK as they are changing the CSA to make the resident parent pay for their services!

FUCKERS

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/in_the_news/2030066-CSA-reform-single-parents-to-pay-to-use-service-to-be-very-angry?

The things we do to keep up with the idea that a bad parent is better than an absent parent. It is not true, you know?

It took me years to accept that DS' life is better without his dad letting him down regularly, my only regret is putting DS through so much rubbishor more than I should, just to honour the idea that having a dad around is how things should be.

As someone else said, you can take a horse to the water and all that, you will never forgive your ex for being such a rubbish dad, but you can step back, stop being so understanding of your ex's selfishness, and focus on what is the best for your child instead of bending yourself backward to facilitate a father and child relationship when your ex is not that bothered about having it.

Thanks me

Forget it. You have done your best. Much much more than I would have. No father is better than a shit father. You have enough love for him alone, he will be great.
I have a friend who is a teacher and a single parent with a useless ex, and her only concern was that her DS knew who his father was, unlike some of her pupils who had no idea. The rest was up to him.

Honestly, stop worrying about it, I reckon your depression will be helped by ridding yourself of this anxiety.

Thanks Half

I'd disengaged over a year ago but seem to have been pulled back in by this move etc. Not anymore

Feeling a bit better for a bath and a wine.

More anrgy than before though...but will put it to good use. It feels much better than trying to suck it up all the time tbh.

How do you stop yourself feeling angry? I just want to forget about him until he can be arsed to contact us (it'll be about a month). But DS keeps asking if he's going in the car with daddy/grandma (he's old enough to know that when nursery isn't on he's possibly going to his dad's).

Am feeling better for deciding not to contact him etc but still pretty anrgy. It had been going well this year then all this. I wish I could at least make it consistent for DS, even if he is barely going to see him. It's this wishy washy, 'i'll see him when I can' bollocks that makes me so angry. Why bother? Pffft. Nevermind

The anger goes in time and is replaced with pity towards them for all that they have missed. Then it turns into apathy as you cease to give a shit.

Can you tell ds that he's having some time with you for a little while? I don't think there's any need to go into specifics, just do some fun stuff with him instead.

I just said I don't know as I have no idea when his dad will decide to see him. No doubt it'll be a 2 days notice thing Tends to do that. Though if we're busy that day I'm not cancelling again

I've been too bloody soft!

I am starting to feel sorry for him in the sense that I know he's missing out and the older DS gets the more he'll be missing. If this is how it's going to be, it'll be 10 years later and he'll realize DS isn't that bothered either because he could never be arsed. But it's not my problem

Thanks for the advice btw

Having a lovely weekend baking stuff and making stuff though. The best thing about having DCs, after the fact you have DCs, is doing fun stuff that you can't really justify as a lone adult

My DD is nearly 7, I've been a LP for 5 years, I long accepted that while my ex may love in his way or in his head, she is certainly not his priority.

I refuse to manage his relationship with DD, I do 99% of all the care, with his parents having her a few days in the holidays.

You cant make someone be a parent, so dont bother, your doing your job as your DS' mother, so you can take the credit when you have a well rounded young man.

My DD is 10, and her dad has spent the last 9 years seeing her as and when he wants to, normally about 3 times a year, if that. He gets in touch when he's got nothing else on. If he has a new girlfriend, he tends to see DD and make lots of promises how he's going to see her every fortnight so the gf can see what a great dad he is. As a result, DD has shocking self esteem. When he was at his worst for seeing her and making promises, then breaking them, she started talking about not wanting to be alive, how worthless she was that her own dad couldn't be bothered with her. It's taken the past 3 years where he has seen her possibly 7 times in total, and not bothered to contact her in between, for her to get herself on a more even keel. She still has big self esteem issues, but not like she was.

I totally agree with not pursuing for contact, but I would go one further. If he doesn't get in touch within a certain period of time, such as a month, I would look at changing your contact details too. A message or phone call is definately not too much to expect from a parent. If DD isn't with me, I speak to her at least every day. If he can't be bothered to even do that, then take the option away. He will still know where you live, but, you know this man, what are the chances of him actually coming to you to fight for it?

If I could go back, I would stop the contact altogether while DD was a toddler/preschooler. The damage was not worth it.