Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy a wedding present

30 replies

slithytove · 20/03/2014 11:08

Or perhaps just buy a token like a photo frame or something?

We are going to a wedding which is about 4 hours away from us. We will incur petrol costs and maybe hotel costs (might be able to stay with family). Hopefully no costs for new clothes but it's possible. This is going to really stretch us as I'm on maternity leave.

Also and I'm pretty sure I am BU here they didn't get us a wedding present or even a card last year. They had no travel or hotel expenses.

What do you think? The petrol alone (around £100) is going to take a couple of months to save up.

OP posts:
benid · 20/03/2014 11:11

YANBU at all

redcatblackcat · 20/03/2014 11:12

Get them nothing if they got you nothing!

redcatblackcat · 20/03/2014 11:12

or something like £10 to charity?

NoNoNoNoNoYabu · 20/03/2014 11:15

Yabu - spend £10 on something. Maybe they got you a card with cash and it went missing?

ENormaSnob · 20/03/2014 11:16

They obviously dont do presents.

Get them a card though.

purplebaubles · 20/03/2014 11:16

Well, normally I'd say it's rude to go without a present..but they didn't seem to mind doing that to you! (although are you sure they didn't, and it didn't just get lost?)

mrssmith79 · 20/03/2014 11:19

Just a card I'd say. Maybe with a little rhyme in saying 'your present is our presence' (NB. DO NOT DO THIS!).

MyNameIsKenAdams · 20/03/2014 11:19

Did they come to your wedding emptyhanded?

If so.no reason why you shouldnt do the same tbh.

EverythingsDozy · 20/03/2014 11:20

"Your present is our presence"
Yes! Do it!!!! Grin

fuzzywuzzy · 20/03/2014 11:21

Are you close to them?

I'd not dream of turning up empty handed to a wedding!

If you're not that close to the couple and it sounds liek a massive inconveninece I'd just decline the invite and send them a card.

Slainte · 20/03/2014 11:22

Just a card is fine. I was more than happy with cards especially from those who had gone to alot of expense to travel to my wedding. For me, the gift was that they'd made such an effort to be there to share our day.

ViviPru · 20/03/2014 11:25

Yeh YANBU. The frame is a nice idea. I totally meant it when I told guests we didn't expect any gifts, I admit I was a bit Hmm at those who didn't even get a card though (yes, supposed BF, I'm looking at you. I guess you felt after we spent £3K to attend your wedding we were even stevens Hmm )

Especially as they didn't get you anything. Don't sweat it OP!

KatyN · 20/03/2014 11:31

we had several people come to our wedding empty handed. we had a big wedding with free booze all day.

it wasn't an issue at all.

Original poster
slithytove · 20/03/2014 11:39

I was very close to the bride once, now we are old friends. Meet up to reminisce about school, that sort of thing. Hate myself for saying this but she is known to be tight.

It is possible a card went missing but we had a locked post box thing so unlikely.

Love the present is our presence thing!

I am quite a generous person even when I'm skint and the reason I'm feeling like putting my foot down on this one is i feel a little bit used. We had this couple over several times now for dinner (they live 45 mins away, the wedding is at the grooms family home) with no reciprocal invite. They always say they will but it never materialises.

And it's not really relevant, but whenever we have them over, they bring booze, and then proceed to drink it all.

I sound like a right snob now! I do really like this girl, and feel like a bitch saying this stuff, but she is so tight!

OP posts:
BirthdayMuppet · 20/03/2014 11:40

Just don't go, you don't sound as if you even like them, so just don't go.

BirthdayMuppet · 20/03/2014 11:41

Cross post but I stand by it - you don't sound as if you like her, despite you saying you do. So why waste your time? Just come up with an excuse and stop all the passive aggressive self serving martyrdom.

Original poster
slithytove · 20/03/2014 11:42

I would always take a card and a lovely one at that because I think that is what gets kept and looked at years later. I was more upset at not getting cards at our wedding - presents didn't matter.

And I'm not saying we give to receive either, though it sounds like it. There is just a stingy history making me resent spending the money I normally would on a wedding. Which right now takes a lot of sacrificing.

OP posts:
Original poster
slithytove · 20/03/2014 11:43

I don't mean to sound like a martyr, these few examples have just pissed me off.

I like her a lot, we have a long history and I want to celebrate her marriage.

I think I will suck it up, not apply my own standards to other people, and get them something we can afford and a lovely card.

OP posts:
PrincessOfChina · 20/03/2014 11:47

I would still give a gift. A number of people (mainly DH's mates who were obviously instructed by their wives to organise a gift for us) didn't give us a present for our wedding but I don't really care. I was surprised we didn't even get a card from some though.

Original poster
slithytove · 20/03/2014 11:56

It is entirely possible to like someone's company, enjoy seeing them etc but not like the fact that they are as tight as a gnats arse they don't reciprocate hospitality

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 20/03/2014 11:56

I wouldn't buy a present, just get a card. It sounds like the friendship is fizzling anyway, so if it's a big deal to them that you bought nothing it'll just speed the process up Hmm

Creamycoolerwithcream · 20/03/2014 12:08

I'd probably give a token gift such as a photo of you and your friend when were younger and a nice card but that would be it.

Original poster
slithytove · 20/03/2014 13:39

I hope the friendship isn't fizzling out. Perhaps that is my true issue. That I seem to be the one making all the effort. I have DC and am the only one out of that particular friendship group who does, and it does seem to have created some distance.

I will do the socially appropriate thing, and hope the friendship isn't on it's way out. They did invite us to the wedding after all.

OP posts:
wishingchair · 20/03/2014 13:47

Yes a personal gift is a good idea. Friendship probably isn't on the way out just is in a different phase :)

ShadowFall · 20/03/2014 13:52

I would take a gift, even if it's just a small, inexpensive token gift.

It just feels a bit rude to not bring along any gift, even if they were rude enough to not get you a wedding present.