AIBU to ask for a baby?

[viozim]

Hi.

I'm usually a reader rather than a writer, so please excuse my sloppy writing. I want to share with someone, but I'm afraid of telling my story to my family or close friends.

I'm turning thirty this year and my DH, turning 34. We've been married for three years, and from the beginning I told him straightforwardly that I want to have a baby. My DH had a contract job back then. He told me it would not be a good time then, so I understood.

We are now in a stable condition. I finished my postgraduate degree and my DH is in a permanent contract. He earns enough that I don't need to worry about finding a job right away, although I am searching for one. I was hoping he would one day come to me and say, "this is the time", but I had to nag at him to say it last Christmas through tears. He keeps telling me how he would like to have a baby, but I don't see it.

The thing is...I have an issue with my hormones. The doctor told me I wouldn't be able to conceive without a medical assistance. Every time I talk about how serious it is to start thinking about the options my husband tries to tame me by saying how I am not physically fit for this yet and how insecure he feels about his job. I have been going to gym for last two years, although I have never been so physically fit in my life (I am slightly underweight.) He thinks we can do adoption if nothing works out "one day". I get so emotional. He thinks he has all the time of the world, while I feel the ticking sound in my head. It's not like I nagging for a toy, is it???? How can he say it so freely? I want to scream. Like, literally!

My husband thinks I am depressed by my hormones that I feel the way I feel. I tried self-analysis online, and they all say I don't have depression. It's totally not fair how he treats me like a mentally sick person. Yes, I am sad. And no, I am not unreasonably sad. Or am I????????? I want to have a time-off.

I don't know if I can help but I do want to say YANBU (and unmumsnetty hugs). He sounds like he is being quite manipulative actually, making you go to the gym and telling you that you're depressed (not really his diagnosis to make). I don't think that wanting a baby is a well known symptom of depression fgs!

It sounds like he has some fears going on that he won't own up to. You need a serious talk about this, maybe doing it in a couples counselling type context would help ensure you don't get too upset/unable to articulate your points clearly.

If he has medical concerns/there are medical factors at play them could you make a joint appointment with your gp to discuss your health (your health plural, he needs to get healthy too!) in the context of wanting to conceive.

It's also his right to not want babies, but if that's the case he does need to make that clear and be honest with you so you can decide what you want to do next.

Best of luck x

No you're not being unreasonable; you are married, you are ok financially, you told him from the start you wanted a baby. He need to discuss a timescale with you. He is being incredibly dismissive and disrespectful.

I don't think "only" 29 is entirely fair since the OP has said she has known fertility issues that will require treatment, there could well be a long waiting list to get the treatment she needs. OP I think YANBU and there is rarely a perfect time to TTC in terms of careers etc so I can understand why you want to start trying.

YANBU.

I suggest you read this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2028082-Commitment-phobic-men-are-often-the-reason-that-women-delay-starting-a-family?

Lay your cards on the table, all this waiting around, what if he keeps you hanging on for another 3 years, then it takes years to conceive the child. You might only get the opportunity to have just one or you may decided he will never be ready, and leave so then to find another person an ttc will take even longer.

I think you do need to calm down, you admit to feeling very emotional and that is understandable but it probably doesn't help in putting forward your point of view in a reasonable way. I would write down the points I wanted to make and then try to be as calm as possible but still express how serious it is for you.

You are only 29 but it sounds like you will struggle to conceive so probably should start earlier.

Is he ever going to stop coming up with reasons why not?

I think you need a cards on the table talk about this. For you could spend a lot of your life waiting for him to be "ready" (if indeed he ever will be) and you might look back on that with regret.

brokenhearted55a, in the kindest possible way, her post isn't about you or its comparison to your situation.

Also I'd dispute that there is no hope for you. MN is full of people saying they got pregnant at 44 or similar. TBH it sounds like the problem is that you are in fact no fucked, I imagine that would actually be a start

OP, if possible it would be good to see if you can pin down his thoughts/timescales on TTC. It must be difficult if you're both thinking different things and could become a big source of resentment.

You both need to be able to work out a way going forward so you can work out what you really want from life

I nagged dh for 3 years before dd1, dc2 I asked once expecting the nagging to begin but he said okay... then we had twins! You need to be clear about what you want and also, there is never the right time or enough money for a baby it's being ready that's important - ready to not be selfish. You need to force a conversation and find out how he sees children coming into things and see if you can work together. Be clear about what you want.

time for an adult discussion. No nagging, no hinting, no tears - and no fobbing off from him. Sadly there is no compromise on this one - if he doesn't want a baby, you have a very difficult choice to make.

but it is not respectful to you not to tell you the truth. If he has changed his mind and doesn't want kids, that's how it is - but if you do then you need to know.

best of luck.

This makes me feel so very grateful that DH wanted a family as much as I did.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You were upfront from the very beginning. You have no apparent reasons to not start trying. The fact that you have medical complications would be enough to make anyone feel pressure to get the ball rolling.
I agree with the PP, it's time to be upfront and ask for a time frame. Even if it's not right now, it's only fair to have a plan to help put your mind at ease.

Have you considered working for a bit?

I know you've just finished your degree and are only 29 but a job might help you take your mind off it for a couple of years.

It's not very clear from your OP, but it sounds like he has agreed to having a baby but is dragging his heels on getting fertility treatment? Is this right, are you currently trying to get pregnant?

You could always get the ball rolling yourself. Make an appointment with your GP for yourself & get a referral to your local NHS fertility clinic. There is likely to be a waiting list but if he won't go with you to discuss what getting pregnant may involve (no commitment to starting immediately) then you should probably cut your losses. Otherwise you'll both know the options going forward & will get professional advice on your fitness. For example, being underweight & working out excessively can adversely affect your chances of getting pregnant.

I was in a similar position. With my exH for nearly 10 years. There was always a "reason" not to have children. By the time we had been married and in stable jobs for over 3 years, I was getting very distressed. We tried counselling. He also kept telling me I had mental health problems and a baby would not fix them (actually I suffered 3 close bereavements and was naturally grief stricken for a short time...).
Anyway, in the end I accepted we wanted different things and sadly ended the relationship when I was 31.
I had my dd just before I was 34 with my DP.
Fertility is time critical for women to a degree it is not for men. And adoption is not a panacea for infertility! Time for a serious conversation about what you both want.

Ps YANBU

YANBU and it is upsetting that you are becoming anxious about the time scale ahead and potential problems. I think that is something you need to play on, and really spell out to him what you want. You should, as other posters have said, have a really straight and serious conversation as soon as is possible.

I had to coax my DH into the baby talk and it was so hard at first - most of his friends (he's nearly 35!) are still single and living bachelor lives where they have little responsibility, so he really didn't feel ready amongst his peers. Eventually though we both wanted it so much as many family members/newer friends were becoming parents and we wanted to have our own family. I wanted to get started to for hormonal/fertility reasons too.

Now that we have the baby (DS is 10 months) it is still a battle sometimes because my DH complains that he feels like he is constantly 'missing out' on things (backpacking, going out late, going to festivals etc...non baby friendly stuff!) but happily, he is beginning to get used to it. So I would warn that pushing forward on TTC without his 100% commitment to the plan is not a good idea.

I've been to my GP a few times while dealing with infertility, overwhelmed and on one occasion sobbing my eyes out. He told me I was NOT depressed, I was upset at a genuinely difficult situation. So yes, I think you are reasonably sad.

I knew in my 20s that I would have difficulty conceiving. I wanted to start trying at 27, but like your DH mine was convinced we had all the time in the world. We didn't. When we started trying a couple of years later, it went wrong & we were told we'd be lucky if IVF worked. DH was devastated because he genuinely hadn't believed it would be a problem. Turns out my DH actually was depressed due to work and that the idea of having children and being responsible for our family income was too much - and realising how much he wanted kids motivated him to sort it out.

I would agree you need to have a serious chat with him. I would be quite clear with him that attributing your emotions to your hormones or depression is unfair and unacceptable (actually, quite cruel). I also agree that you need to find out if there's something holding him back. One of the things we did after our first, unsuccessful IVF attempt was develop an action plan. We stopped doing IVF and focused on that for a bit - getting ourselves financially straight, physically fit (nutrition as well as exercise - HIM as well as you), finding something fun to focus on as well. It helped me because we were working towards having children.

Maybe he doesn't like you thinking that you can have a baby and not work because he earns enough. Perhaps he wants you to be in a position where you can contribute to a child financially as well. That would be completely reasonable of him.

Your post comes across as very 'me me me', it's all about what you want, and that's really quite selfish.

Perhaps you should listen when he says he doesn't feel secure about his job. Presumably he's in a better position that you are to judge his own job security.

Woowoo she has said she doesn't need to rush to find a job but is searching for one.

Yes, I saw that, but it doesn't make any difference to what I said.

"Only 29". How crass.

lots of families are complete at this age. Lots of women leave I later and fail.

You have to be honest with him. What would happen if you said 'I want us to start trying before I am 30 because I would rather have a baby in a less than ideal situation than risk being 40 and childless.' Stop trying to persuade him and be clear about what is important to you.

YANBU.

If you're struggling to have a proper conversation about this then couple's counselling might help.

He is allowed to not want a baby, but if this is the case then the only decent thing is to let you know so you can decide if you want to stay in the relationship.

Sadly, if your dh won't properly discuss this I think you have to assume he doesn't want a baby and have a think about what you want to do. If that's the case you could go to relate counseling on your own to help work out your own feelings about your relationship.

Why on earth would anybody say OP is "only" 29? Fertility drops off sharply at 35 and she already knows she has fertility issues. If I were you viozim I'd hear the clock ticking as well.

I think you've got to address this sooner rather than later. Do you want to stay with him if it means never having children? If not you're better off getting out of the marriage and finding someone with whom to build a family. Do it soon before you limit your options any further.

I would tell him that the time is now, and that I was making an appointment with a fertility expert to get the ball rolling.

He has more excuses than Carter has pills and no amount of discussion is going to make him be honest. Forcing him into a corner by saying 'We are going to start TTC now' will. Frankly, I expect that he will say that he doesn't want children.

How do I know? Because it happened to me. After a million little 'talks' and excuses after excuses I told XH that I was going off the pill. He then told me that he really didn't want children & just hoped that I'd 'give it up' after awhile!