AIBU to ask for a baby?

[viozim]

Hi.

I'm usually a reader rather than a writer, so please excuse my sloppy writing. I want to share with someone, but I'm afraid of telling my story to my family or close friends.

I'm turning thirty this year and my DH, turning 34. We've been married for three years, and from the beginning I told him straightforwardly that I want to have a baby. My DH had a contract job back then. He told me it would not be a good time then, so I understood.

We are now in a stable condition. I finished my postgraduate degree and my DH is in a permanent contract. He earns enough that I don't need to worry about finding a job right away, although I am searching for one. I was hoping he would one day come to me and say, "this is the time", but I had to nag at him to say it last Christmas through tears. He keeps telling me how he would like to have a baby, but I don't see it.

The thing is...I have an issue with my hormones. The doctor told me I wouldn't be able to conceive without a medical assistance. Every time I talk about how serious it is to start thinking about the options my husband tries to tame me by saying how I am not physically fit for this yet and how insecure he feels about his job. I have been going to gym for last two years, although I have never been so physically fit in my life (I am slightly underweight.) He thinks we can do adoption if nothing works out "one day". I get so emotional. He thinks he has all the time of the world, while I feel the ticking sound in my head. It's not like I nagging for a toy, is it???? How can he say it so freely? I want to scream. Like, literally!

My husband thinks I am depressed by my hormones that I feel the way I feel. I tried self-analysis online, and they all say I don't have depression. It's totally not fair how he treats me like a mentally sick person. Yes, I am sad. And no, I am not unreasonably sad. Or am I????????? I want to have a time-off.

I don't think he really wants a baby with you at all, which is a shame.

I have a friend who was with someone like your DH - she ended up divorcing him around the age of 32, because he finally admitted he didn't really want children (and she so did!) and managed to find a lovely man to be with when she was 34, and they had 3 children together.

If you really want to, give him until your 30th birthday to make his mind up properly and if he still won't agree to it, dump his arse and move on.

FWIW, I don't like his manipulative ways either - telling you that you are depressed, telling you that you're not healthy -who the fuck does he think he is? I know you're married to him but do you think he's good father material, really? How will he be with children? Will he help you with babies? Or will he leave all that to you "because you're the one who insisted on having them"?

Have a really good hard think about whether this man is the one you want to have babies with, and then if he doesn't agree to it, move on.

Yes op I would be blunt and frank with him. You obviously are desparate for a baby, he sounds like he is not ready, for whatever reason. You might need to go it alone if needs be.

He might want a baby very much, and just want to be in the position where he isn't the sole breadwinner.

I dont think it's at all unreasonable of him to want to wait to have children when only one of them is working, it can be very stressful having the pressure of supporting three people on your own.

It sounds to me like he is discussing it when he says he's worried about his wife's health if she's underweight, and it also sounds like he is worried about his job security, because that's exactly what he's saying.

Maybe it's a difficult conversation for this couple to have because one of them is crying over it, and not listening to what the other is saying because she only wants to hear one thing. OP admits she is getting very emotional during these conversations.

viozim I think there's some really good advice on here, how is it making you feel? I think if I were you I'd

1. Visit the GP, explain that your DH keeps telling you you're depressed and ask for an assessment. At least them you can shut him down in that area.
2. Apply for any good jobs you can find, perhaps register with a temping agency in the meantime or get a job in a local pub, anything to shut him down on that front as well.
3. Try again for a sensible conversation.

It does sound like he might benefit from counselling. He does sound a total idiot to me but what do I know? Is he bullying you into going to the gym? Were you ill or overweight? Being underweight is not healthy, in fact being slightly underweight is much worse for you as a young woman than being slightly overweight.

I don't understand why his career would be an excuse really, if there are redundancies in the offing or similar he should tell you so that you can take it into consideration. If he's expecting you to make an large contribution to the household finances I think you may be looking at quite a delay given you've only just got your past grad qualification and how maternity leave works. Would he expect you to work full time with a small baby if he's so worried about money? Frankly I think you could do better.

'only 29?' I had 2 kids by this age at school.

op you want a baby. if you absolutist know you want a baby then that's a good starting point.

your dh is fobbing you off and that's not good enough. you arnt a child but an adult woman who wants a frank discussion.

the timelines and deadline dates are up to you. if your dh keeps fobbing you off by telling you to 'calm down dear' then he doesn't want a baby either now or maybe never.

my friends dh was like this, she got to 40, no kids, couldn't conceive and he left her to start a family with a younger woman

decision time.

I'm sorry OP but he sounds awful, saying you are not physically fit to have a child / are depressed.

It does sound like you are in a depressing situation being in a relationship with a man who is infantilising you.

Is it because he holds all the financial cards that he thinks he can control things in this way?