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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go on holiday with my friend?

40 replies

RabbitPies · 18/03/2014 13:03

I'm thinking of going to back to Oktoberfest,and Munich this year. I love Munich and Bavaria,and mentioned it in passing to a friend some time ago that I'd like to go back again one year.

Now said friend has decided that she wants to go too. A few ?ears ago I went to Oktoberfest and Munich with her. It did not go well. She spent the entire holiday sulking and playing with her phone if I dared to talk to anyone else. I didn't ignore her,and tried to include her in he conversation,but she still just sat there sulking. It was so bad that almost everyone asked me what was wrong with her.

A big part of the fun for me is meeting new people,particuarly people from different countries and I really don't want her to sit there sulking for the entire holiday again.

Also trying to get her to pay for anything was a nightmare. When I suggested splitting meals,after I'd paid for several she said Why? Do you have no money left?" Hmm

I feel guilty because she's the friend I've known for the longest time.And I'm her only friend,but I cannot bear the thought of going on holiday with her again.

So AIBU to want to go without her? And if not is there a polite way of saying I want to go,but not with you?

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 18/03/2014 13:05

Fuck that.

Why are you even still friends with the freeloading miserable boot?

Quinteszilla · 18/03/2014 13:06

No Yanbu.

Next time she brings it up, just say "Sorry, not doing Oktoberfest with you again, last time was a nightmare. You spent the whole time sulking, and you did not want to chip in with meals, so much as I love you that's completely out of the question".

Go on. Be brave. And bold.

5Foot5 · 18/03/2014 13:08

YANBU to want to go without her and why are you so worried about finding a polite way of saying why not?

"Sorry but I don't think that would be a good idea seeing as last time you expected me to pay for everything and spent most of the holiday sulking" - that should cover it.

And I'm her only friend - why does that not surprise me

BakerStreetSaxRift · 18/03/2014 13:14

Just say "why do you want to go? You hated it last time." and see what she says. Then explain how you're going to meet and chat to randoms and she would be better going with one of her other friends...

ArsePaste · 18/03/2014 13:20

You're not her mum, just say no!

MooncupGoddess · 18/03/2014 13:22

You're clearly far too nice for your own good, OP. All you need to say, is 'Well, it didn't really work out last time, so I'd rather not go with you again.'

Who knows, she might even realise she needs to change if she wants any friends.

Delphiniumsblue · 18/03/2014 13:25

I would just tell her that you didn't enjoy it last time and you don't want to repeat.

NinjaBunny · 18/03/2014 13:30

And I'm her only friend.

I think I might be able to tell you why that is..!

Wink
MrsTerryPratchett · 18/03/2014 13:32

I traveled with a sulker once. Until I told her, she had no idea she was a PITA. Because she was too busy having a horrible time. She was amazed I was hating it because I was putting a brave face on. Tell her.

2rebecca · 18/03/2014 13:38

I agree with the others, you are being a friend to her but she doesn't sound like much of a friend to you. I'd probably have just stopped seeing her after the last holiday, but then I'd have put her straight when she wanted to know why she couldn't be a clingy freeloader. She's behaving more like your teenage daughter than your friend. It's OK to say no to people and not be "nice" sometimes.

MaidOfStars · 18/03/2014 13:39

It sounds to me that, the first time around, you had different expectations - she wanted a cosy friend holiday, you wanted an international experience.

Therefore, you say "Sorry, but it didn't seem you had fun last time, I'd rather go and do my own thing".

The difficulty will be that it therefore looks to her like you'd rather go alone than with her (because she doesn't see the fun in going alone).

If you do decide to give her a chance, set up a kitty for drinks/dinner/etc. That way, she can't dick out of it.

Original poster
RabbitPies · 18/03/2014 13:48

I want to put it politely because I do like her,and I feel sorry for her,because she won't get to go if I don't go,but I'm glad that I'm probably not being unreasonable. I would like to meet someone while I'm there,which may or may not happen,and she was even worse if a man talked to me than she was if I talked to another woman.

We did spend a lot of time together,and she enjoyed those aspects of the holiday. We visited Dachau,not that we talked much there for obvious reasons, castles,the Andechs Monastery,and shopped together,and went to restaurants,but I personally can't imagine spending the entire holiday talking to only one person.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/03/2014 13:51

She sounds very rude, I would be straight and tell her it's not a good idea as it won't work out. Or don't tell her your going and make your wn arrangements. She sounds awful!

MooncupGoddess · 18/03/2014 13:56

The talking to other people thing is partly about different expectations; if she's not naturally very sociable then having to chat to strangers all the time is probably not her idea of fun. Though the polite and reasonable thing would be to excuse herself and go and read by herself rather than sulking for England.

But her failure to pay her share is unforgiveable.

sarahandmallard · 18/03/2014 13:58

She won't get to go if you don't? No, she chooses not to go - whether by herself or by making friends with others, joining a tour, etc.

Let me guess, you plan the whole itinerary too.

Burren · 18/03/2014 14:10

Why are you even considering going on holiday with someone who behaves like an insanely jealous boyfriend/possessive Victorian father should you want to exchange ten words with another person at a big party, AND is a freeloader to boot?

Just say you didn't enjoy yourself last time, and that you think your expectations of a holiday are too different to be combined. Or that you don't regard a holiday as an extended date with a single person. Or that you can't afford to stump up for all her meals and drinks again.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/03/2014 14:12

She sounds very odd. I wouldn't want to go away with her either so YANBU!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/03/2014 14:12

Seriously, she does sound like she thinks you are her boyfriend or something.

Peekingduck · 18/03/2014 14:21

Simple. "No thanks, I'm looking forward to an adventure on my own."

Original poster
RabbitPies · 18/03/2014 14:52

I didn't expect her to sit chatting constantly,but she could have at least said hello then excused herself. Instead she scowled at them then sat sulking and played with her phone.

She's not shy. Just overly possessive of me.

I still feel bad about her missing out if I refuse to go with her,but I'm going to have to decline,as it isn't going to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
RabbitPies · 18/03/2014 14:53

And yes I do plan the itinerary,because she offers no input even when asked.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/03/2014 15:05

Just tell her no it won't work sorry!

Original poster
RabbitPies · 18/03/2014 15:15

To be honest we don't have that much in common,and I probably really remain friends with her because she has no one else. That said we do occasionally enjoy shopping or watching a film together,but I wouldn't choose to go on holiday with her again.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/03/2014 15:30

I am sorry op is it any wonder she doesent have any friends when she behaves the way she does. Stop feeling sorry for her, she would have more friends if she was a nicer person.

SoleSource · 18/03/2014 16:11

Maybe she is a bit envious of your ease at being a sociable person. She probably expects to spend all of her time with the focus on her.

Be honest, do you let her know that you know she feels this insecurity and rub it in?