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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

a better offer?

53 replies

Catnuzzle · 17/03/2014 20:13

I have asked a friend and her DS if they would like to join me, my DDs, another friend and her DD for a day out during the easter hols.
Is it unreasonable to expect them to check the calendar and commit one way or the other? A response of 'can I let u know nearer the time?' smacks of 'i might get a better offer in between now and then, which, quite frankly, is rather disrespectful.
AIBU?

OP posts:

deakymom · 17/03/2014 22:35

make arrangements with someone else then they are welcome to join you xx

Financeprincess · 17/03/2014 22:35

I'd find this rude. You did your friends the courtesy of giving them plenty of notice. They owe you the courtesy of checking their calendars, and letting you know whether they intend to accept your invitation, within a couple of days.

It might be a 'better offer' situation, but TBH I think it's just laziness and flakiness. People always want to reserve the right to drop out of things at a minute's notice because they can't be arsed. I suspect that your friends have said, "can we let you now nearer the time?" because they want to be able to make their minds up at the very last minute and drop out on a no-guilt basis if they feel like it.

I'd set a deadline for a firm acceptance and let them know about it. Then if they still won't commit, sod them and do what you want to do. Why should you be kept hanging around at other people's convenience?

Financeprincess · 17/03/2014 22:36

Let you KNOW, not let you now!!

Original poster

Catnuzzle · 18/03/2014 07:04

Again thanks all. I appreciate people arrange their time differently, and there can be many reasons for not committing to something straight away, but I suppose I am looking at it from my point of view; I am excited and flattered that my friends would like to spend time with me and when I receive an invite it's a priority to let them know asap, to reassure them they are valued and appreciated. I find it frustrating that it takes 24 hours to respond to an invite and even then not with a definitive answer. I'm getting a bit tired of asking and constantly being kept on hold. I shall be going anyway with my other friend and this friend can join us if she fancies it nearer the time.

OP posts:

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 18/03/2014 07:10

I think you're completely over thinking it.

Only1scoop · 18/03/2014 07:20

Agree Pobble

Sparklingbrook · 18/03/2014 07:25

Just . Just because you overthink it doesn't mean you aren't right. I am an overthinker (although I am a lot better these days).

Original poster

Catnuzzle · 18/03/2014 07:28

Thank you Sparklingbrook

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 18/03/2014 07:31

We all think things to oblivion on occasions I'm sure....

I just think Op that she may not be as organised as you. I would make my plans and then if at a later date she wants to come along then great

I must admit I don't always reply to a text within 24 hours.

Enjoy your picnic.

I'm only jealous

Sparklingbrook · 18/03/2014 07:31

Do you have any 'Ooh we must meet up' friends *Catnuzzle'? I have one who I all but lost touch with because our DC went to separate schools. She's really nice and every time we see each other she says it. Never happens though. One day I will pull my diary out of my bag and pin her down.

MardyBra · 18/03/2014 07:34

Ever done the Myers-Briggs personality test? There have been threads about it in the past.

We're basically talking about J versus P types. The way of thinking is summarised by the bullet points at the bottom of the link. Dh and I are both strong Ps. My parents are Js. DFather is currently trying to organise Ocober half term. I'm still on this week. We drive each other mad sometimes.

littlewhitebag · 18/03/2014 07:50

It's not really inconveniencing OP though is it? She is already having the day out with another friend and the third friend may or may not join them. Why does the third friend have to say right now whether she will go or not?

I like to keep my holiday plans loose some people like to have their holiday time organised. It sounds like no big deal to me.

Also 24 hours to reply to a text is fine. Some people are busy, some people are not welded to their phones. Meh!

MardyBra · 18/03/2014 08:20

Are you in the Christmas threads yet Op? [Wink]. I bet sparklingbrook is!

pinkdelight · 18/03/2014 08:32

Totally agree with littlewhite. 24 hours is not a long wait for a non-urgent response. Parents are busy and not everyone likes planning ahead to that extent. You like to look forward to stuff, I like to feel like I've finally got some free time and the holidays aren't booked up in advance. I wouldn't even be offended by the better offer thing. A day at a park with a friend is nice, but if DH gets a day off or we can visit my mum then I'd rather be free to do that. Doesn't mean I'm a bad friend. My mates would understand and are fine with loose arrangements. I think you have to be as a family, don't you? The number of times you have to cancel cos of sick kids etc. Really not a big deal.

ShadowOfTheDay · 18/03/2014 08:41

I like to have a few things arranged....

but for these Easter hols, will also need to ring for a medication checkup appointment for DD1, DD2 will have a physio appointment that will get arranged at her next one, both have dentist check ups and optician is due too, they both need haircuts, new shoes and the dog needs grooming.. we are also having building work done and having to fit everything in round everything else is already giving me palpitations...

am thinking of telling friends we will be away as we cannot commit to anything.....

HerrenaHarridan · 18/03/2014 08:45

Plenty of valid reasons for saying this sometimes, however it's your friend if you feel she seems to be waiting for a better offer and this is a pattern then I would be miffed.

I see both sides tbh I used to be the kind of person who live in the day, plans for tomorrow were about as forward thinking as I got. I did have lots if fun times, but regularly missed out on stuff. I really wanted to do because I couldn't plan in advance to do it

Now I have a diary and have come to accept that some friends need to be invited to things the day before they are on.
Not necessarily because they are waiting for a better offer, or are concerned they'd forget/ back out at the last min or even that they are waiting for confirmation of other plans just that their brains are programmed to plan that far ahead

Ludways · 18/03/2014 08:48

My dh doesn't have his shifts for the Easter holidays yet, I have no idea which days or what times he's at work. When he's off we'll be doing stuff together, I can't make plans yet.

Why not just ask when she's likely to know, she may have a perfectly reasonable answer.

Sparklingbrook · 18/03/2014 09:56

Ludways so if the OP had asked you, you would have explained all that. All perfectly understandable. I think it's the vagueness of the reply that is the key here.

Sparklingbrook · 18/03/2014 09:57

And oi Mardy! I have been nowhere near a Christmas thread yet.

pinkdelight · 18/03/2014 10:04

Sparkling I would have inferred the kind of thing Ludways said from her saying 'can I let you know nearer the time?'. Seems a bit waffly on text to go on about domestic arrangements. And come to that, OP could have called if she wanted a detailed response (does nobody call their friends any more?!). A text about something next month that doesn't require booking tickets needs neither an immediate reply nor full explanations.

Sparklingbrook · 18/03/2014 10:07

I would have texted-using Ludway's example-

'Would love to join you, need to check DH's shifts, then will let you know. Thanks! x

VeryStressedMum · 18/03/2014 10:17

Maybe she doesn't want to go and doesn't know how to tell you without offending? Not that she doesn't want to go with you just to where you're going.
The Easter hols are ages away, i probably wouldn't like to commit to an exact day now, I'd probably say something like one day in the hols we can go xxxx then nearer the time arrange the date.
But some people like to be more organised than me. But if i was pinned down like that i wouldn't say can i let you know, I'd just say yes. I wouldn't take a better offer either, if something else came up i would try and arrange it round the date.

Sparklingbrook · 18/03/2014 10:20

I think the people who don't make arrangements for things in advance are missing out TBH. If someone asked me to do something in the Easter holidays today and the calendar was clear for that day I would say yes. Silly no to.

If you say 'i will let you know nearer the time' too often people may stop asking.....

struggling100 · 18/03/2014 10:21

I am in the same position as your friend right now. My DH isn't sure when he'll be needed at work over Easter, but we've said we would like to go away for a few days if possible as he's been working really hard and is frankly in need of a break. There are also family expectations to fit in, which complicates matters. It's not that we don't want to let friends know, it's simply that we don't know ourselves (through no fault of our own) what we'll be doing.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 18/03/2014 10:32

I'd be giving same response as your friend. I don't know what we are doing as a family over Easter yet. Unless it is something very special you have arranged, I wouldn't commit until a week or two beforehand.

Term time is different, we have routine, and plan around that. Holiday time is precious family time.

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