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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell dh that i hold him fully responsible if dd has an injury on the stairs?

116 replies

LunchLadyWannabe · 17/03/2014 10:29

Im really mad at the moment.

Me and dh have a dd who's 17 months.

We have a stair gate at the bottom of the stairs (not at the top due to it not being needed as dd does not walk around upstairs).

Dh is leaving the stair gate open around 3 times a day. This is due to his work phone going off and hes rushing to get to it when its upstairs, rushing to the loo etc etc

Dh sometimes justifies leaving the gate open saying dd was in her highchair so he didn't need to close it straightaway.

I always close it whenever i open it, its automatic for me.

However at least once a day dd climbs the stairs unattended because the gate has been left open.

Yesterday i came into the lounge after clearing up the kitchen, and couldn't see dd. Surprise surprise the baby gate was open!

Dd was sat on the landing at the top of the stairs with her doll in her arms. So dd had climbed upstairs, gone into her room, took the doll off the chair, and was trying to make her way back down!!!

I ve told dh that dd will break her neck falling down the stairs and he obviously doesn't give a shit about her safety!

He says i shouldn't have a go at him and he's sorry he makes mistakes and forgets things!

I told him that once is a mistake, twice is deliberate,and three times is just bloody irresponsible!

His response is that i should always check the baby gate is closed!!!!

Argh!

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheGreatHunt · 17/03/2014 11:44

My dd won't be taught safely. She wants to copy her big brother and walk down as he does but her legs are too short so she can't quite manage it!

Yanbu op. Tell him to stop being an idiot. Does he forget to close the front door? No? So he can remember this then.

MerryMarigold · 17/03/2014 11:46

Greathunt, keep turning her round. She will soon realise it is a lot quicker and more fun to slide down on her tummy (feet first!)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/03/2014 11:47

I understand you're annoyed but I wouldn't word it like that to your husband if I were you. "Fully responsible"? He's your husband and her father. If she were to hurt herself he would presumably be beside himself.

What about getting on of those door hinge close-y things that automatically shut the gate? No, you shouldn't have to but, if it prevents injury to my child because my husband is absent-minded, I certainly would.

If you need to labour the point then ask him to come up with a solution to this problem because it does need to be sorted. Don't speak to him like a barrister though... really don't.

Oriunda · 17/03/2014 11:52

Our gate has a swing shut mechanism but it's automatic with DH and I that we close it.

For those of you saying that we should teach our DC to use the stairs/bannisters, it all depends on the stairs. Our Victorian cottage has very ill lit, steep, narrow stairs with a short tread width (have to place adult feet sideways). No bannister, just walls though there is a handrail that DS can't reach yet. DS is perfectly capable of getting up and does. The stairs are too steep for him to safely get down so I plan to wait until he is tall enough to reach the handrail and walk down.

Initaly we have marble stairs but very wide and curving that he can get up or down fine on.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 17/03/2014 12:00

"How do i deal with dh not shutting the gate?" - if it was me I would be ranting at him every time he did it until he stopped leaving it open.

It is all very well to say you have to teach her to come down safely and I am sure you will be doing that but in the mean time until she can do it the gate has to be closed.

JerseySpud · 17/03/2014 12:00

DD2 learnt by about 15 month to come down the stairs either holding a hand or on her bum

TheGreatHunt · 17/03/2014 12:02

You haven't met my 2 year old Merry

She has already had a broken leg and glued forehead....

I tried the turning around thing. Not a chance. She's too old - wants to walk - but is too short (she is a short are!)

When her brother was 2, he was fine on the stairs hut longer legs helped.

Anyway in a few months I think she will be OK. Just not yet.

MerryMarigold · 17/03/2014 12:02

Oriunda, if he comes down backwards (like a ladder), the stairs only need to be the width of his knees. Our stairs are narrow, steep and victorian (though they can take the length of my size 4 foot). I would have thought carpeted stairs were safer than marble ones, whatever their width.

YellowDinosaur · 17/03/2014 12:05

Get a bike lock and lock it shut. Refuse to give him the combination. Job done.

Almostfifty · 17/03/2014 12:33

Doesn't everyone teach their child the fun way to come down? Any other way but feet first on their tummy is boring.

MrsGeorgeMichael · 17/03/2014 12:40

i can make myself cry when i think about my 1st dc fall down the stairs

i was with him and he was 2, i was very pregnant and as i turned at the top........

most horrible feeling. even worse for dh who was at the bottom of the stairs, but not in time to catch him

RamonatheMisunderstood · 17/03/2014 12:43

I was going to suggest the bike lock too!!!

For all those saying you taught yours to go up and down the stairs at this age - so what? OP knows her dd best and is saying, that at this point in her development, she doesn't think her dd is quite ready. Which is fair enough.

Another point is that she is still very young, so even if she was able to go up and down the stairs is it appropriate that she is doing so unsupervised???? I know that even when mine could go up and down I still wanted to be there when they did, and wanted to know where they were and what they were up to!!!

soontobeslendergirl · 17/03/2014 12:49

Romona - I think people are saying for a belt and braces approach that it is also important that she tried to teach the safer way to come down as well as getting her DP to keep the gate shut.

I don't think people are advocating that she shows her daughter once and then leaves her to roam the house unsupervised.

With the best will in the world, sneaky toddlers sometimes end up in places we didn't expect, hopefully in that eventuality they remember the safe way that they have been shown.

I would be getting the little one to go up and come down by herself every time with parent on the step below them so that they get used to doing it.

Artandco · 17/03/2014 12:52

Mine crawled up and crawled down feet first I think.

We actually live in a flat but have lots of stairs ie 5 into kitchen, 3 into bedroom etc.. There's No way we could have put up loads of stair gates. Also the ones up to the flat ate communal.

We were just very strict that noone went up and down the main ones without an adult until confident enough around 2. They were def using the stairs before walking though.

It's been far better as then when we go to friends/ family/ on holiday etc they knew to not go upstairs/ down alone so would ask/ wait. You cant expect everyone else to baby proof also

ScarlettOHaraHamilton · 17/03/2014 13:03

YANBU.

And to everyone who says "just teach the kid to come down the stairs safely" - really? You want to pass the onus for being always safe and careful onto a 17 month old? Hmm

By all means teach them the safest way to get down your stairs, but the onus is on the parent to remember to keep things as safe as possible. Toddlers wander off, get distracted, try and climb down carrying something... It's almost ridiculous to expect that a small child should bear the responsibility for that, not the adult who should be able to remember to shut a stairgate.

JRmumma · 17/03/2014 13:09

I don't think its very relevant whether you have or haven't yet taught your daughter to climb up or down stairs yet. If she isn't old or competent enough to do it alone yet, then the gate needs to be CLOSED.

Id bike lock it as someone else suggested and tell DH that ge would have to climb over it if he couldn't remember to close it. My DS isn't old enough for stair gates yet but i foresee a similar situation to yours when we get to that stage!

Goes off to look at cheap bike locks on amazon.......

BatCave · 17/03/2014 13:56

DS fell down the stairs at 12 months old and broke his arm. Should I be held responsible? We didn't have stairgates -we do now- but he was very rarely near stairs and I usually watched him, it was just a lapse of concentration. An accident.

Yes your DH should be shutting the stair gate.

No, it's not his fault if she has an accident. I'm sure he doesn't deliberately set out to hurt her.

My now 17 month old can now climb and descend the stairs safely, and thats because I've taught him to do so. The stairgates we have now are to prevent him getting into places I don't want him!

BatCave · 17/03/2014 13:59

I'm not entirely sure that locking the stair gates so DH can't get through is entirely safe either. What if there was a fire or an emergency? Yes, climb over the top perhaps - my friend tripped and fell down the stairs herself doing this.

mistlethrush · 17/03/2014 14:02

Lunchlady - I spent an 'interesting' weekend teaching DS to climb down the stairs safely (ie backwards). Persistence and patience was needed - but everytime we were upstairs, he came down under his own power (even though I was hovering like mad and assisting a lot early on). I'm sure that, if she works out that she gets where she wants to by climbing down like that, she will start to do it herself.

BabsAndTheRu · 17/03/2014 14:02

We have three DCs and never had a stairgate. I find them more dangerous than the stairs. ie Climb over the stairgate and fall from a higher height. None of our kids have fallen on the stairs. They crawled up them then came back down on their tummies feet first.

sebsmummy1 · 17/03/2014 14:03

We have the self closing gates from Lindam. They are excellent and you can't leave them open without propping them open. We also have them at the top and bottom.

YADNBU to be furious but to my mind that won't keep your child safe. Invest in the correct safety gates for the situation and let your DH be a lazy arse about something less important.

Cleanandclothed · 17/03/2014 14:05

To me 17 months seems plenty old enough to navigate stairs. As others have said, backwards way, on her tummy. Spend a whole day doing 'backwards way' and that should do it. How high are the stairs, and are they carpeted? But obviously, this should be a joint parenting strategy, as should having a stair gate - does your husband think it is necessary?

Fifyfomum · 17/03/2014 14:06

Simply show your child how to go down the stairs safely on her front. Mine have been doing it since around a year. No issues with going to other houses without stairgates etc.

Fifyfomum · 17/03/2014 14:09

My children could climb up and down stairs before they could walk by a long shot. They went down backwards because the only way to fall is into the stairs. On the bum would take a lot more balancing.