to think reading threads re "only children" generally make you feel worse

[GwenTen]

I have one ds (11 years old). I would have liked more but DP didn't want any more. Being 49 now - it aint happening anyway

I have all the usual worries and feelings of guilt regarding him being an only but find when I read threads (in particular the ones on the "One Child family" discussion), instead of feeling reassured I end up feeling worse as a lot of people leave very negative opinions (which of course they are entitled to).

I find that the fact that it is the topic of so many discussions makes you feel that is something taboo and not normal.

Does anyone else tend to be scared of reading these types of threads or is it just me. (the people that agree probably won't read this anyway)

I am an only and have an only dd.
She has asked for a sibling and I have had to explain that while I am sure it would be lovely it is just not possible for us .
I do then tell her of all the positives of being an only.
I know that my friends with two or more also tell their children the positives of having siblings.
Families come in all shapes and sizes and none are better or worse than any other, just different.

I never felt that I have missed out by not having siblings. But as said above you never miss what you haven't had.

Just posted on the other thread but in essence we have an 11 year old only. It's absolutely lovely 99 % of the time and I think it's fair to say Dd feels like that too. Agree with wordfactory that if you can't have/don't want more there is no point in worrying anyway, make the very best of what you have which is ALOT!

These are the things I do because I want to make sure that Dd has plenty of social contact and gets the experience of having lots of people about even if they are not siblings...

make sure her friends are always welcome here.

organise little get togethers and parties for friends and neighbours (Christmas, Easter etc) so that she has that sense of excitement that other kids get at their family gatherings because none of her cousins live close by either.

avoid going on holidays which are very isolating or boring for her.

invite a friend on holiday for her.

talk often about the fun we have in our little family.

That's just me, no reason to say you should do anything special at all. Those are just the things I like to do myself but we really, really are very happy indeed. As a teacher I can safetly say that there is no such thing as "typical only child behaviour" and that attitude makes me really cross.

Can someone link to the other thread you're talking about?

But as an only myself it really pisses me off when parents of only children dismiss all the negatives because it suits them!!!

wordfactory You could say this from the opposite side of the coin too. See my earlier post of parents with more than one being knackered, cranky, torn with time, skint etc etc because they want 2 siblings who may or may not get along as children and adults.

I have seen people with one child rounded on.
I have seen people with lots of chikdren rounded on.
People just generally get rounded on.

But how many children you have is seen as a choice. And when people make a choice they get defensive about it. And they often express their choice by being incredibly negative about the choices others make .

Look at the posts above about people with bratty squabbling chikdren for example. That's pretty bloody rude. So someone with lots of chikdren (especially if they happen to be bratty and squabbling types) will feel attacked and will defend themselves by posting about,I don't know, selfish and entitled only chikdren.
It's like sahm vs wohm.

People can't seem to say 'I love my family, it works for us' without being rude about the choices others have made.

I used to be a prolific poster on the 'One child families' board (under a different NN) but I've stopped over the past couple of years, as it isn't an issue for me any more, as I'm now kinda at the point of no return (not in terms of my age, but more in terms of 'I could not face going back there!' [DC is now Yr 1]). I used to frequent the boards when there was the potential to do something about it.

I think the reason these threads get so depressing is for three reasons 1) there is a lot of unfounded prejudice still about only children

2. there are a lot of only adults who genuinely feel they would have had a better life if they had a sibling, and they have every right to say so if asked

3. there are lots of parents of onlies who are dealing with infertlity/pregnancy losss/aging so have a lot of sadness, which they 'project' on to their no. of children situation, and wail 'this is so terrible' which perpetuates the negativity around only children.

But how many children you have is seen as a choice.

Yes, but in contrast to larger families, for only parents it frequently (I would suggest at least 75% of the time) doesn't result from choice.

I don't feel anything but positive about being, and having an only child. Thanks to my parents having more time and money for me, I got opportunities I'd never have had otherwise and it's the same for my daughter.

I wouldn't have been as happy having 2 and it was our choice to have only one. I certainly regret not having another and don't think the downsides of having (or being) the only one come any where close to outweighing the positives on my situations.

I also fully appreciate that others will feel, want and benefit from different things in different situations so don't feel the need to put down or attack any ones else's choices or need to convert/persuade them to my way of thinking.

Therefore I didn't feel the need to post on the other thread

I'm currently wrestling with the decision on whether to have another child and reading this has actually made me feel loads better. I prob have to admit to myself, honestly, I don't want another one. I've found the 1st tough and hard work and she's 5 now and I'm not sure I can face doing it all again. I think the thought of a 2nd is all for the wrong reasons, because others feel more strongly about it than I do! Not sure that I'll ever be 100% confident in my decision, the what ifs etc. but I'd really love to have a clear decision in my own head rather than wrestling with it each day

I'm an only child and hated it as a child. Bordem no one to play with. But as I have got older and listened to the family arguements between siblings, I'm glad it's just me.

My DS is an only child too

Neepsandtatties

Yes. I know. And?
That does not really affect my fundamental point which was if people stopped defending/promoting/justifying their position by being rude about others then life would be less fraught.

But as an only myself it really pisses me off when parents of only children dismiss all the negatives because it suits them!!!

This is just silly! I am an only and perfectly happy and well adjusted, but actually that is nothing to do with it. Parents make all sorts of decisions about how many children to have...how many will suit them. Parents need to be able to love, support, and nurture their children, however many there are.

To imagine there is an inherent wrong in having one and it is detrimental to the child is just plain strange.

One thing that strikes me is that when a singleton is being a gobshite, it's regularly blamed on being an only child. If a child who is not an only is being a gobshite, it is rarely attributed to having siblings.

It is quite infuriating.

Yes. I know. And?

Well, the difference is that when a Large-Family-Basher says "Large family children squabble and have to deal with conflict" the vast majority of parents will think 'Maybe, but I wouldn't have it any other way, I'm hapy with my decision' but when a Only-Child Basher' says "Only children are lonely and sad" 75% of parents will think "Maybe, and I wish things were different and I wish DC wasn't an only".

Both are abhorant, but 'only-child-bashing' is particularly pernicious.

I haven't actually seen much of the overt bashing on mumsnet, it's more the 'I knew I wanted two children; I couldn't bear for my child to grow up as an only' comment that cuts to the quick of an only child parent. Such as statement is fine in a thread titled "Should I choose to have an only child?" (and these are the threads that not-by-choice only parents often avoid reading) but is thoughtless in a thread titled "Devestated that I am unable to have more children, please reassure me that DD will be okay as an only child". Unfortuantely you see that kind of response on the second type of thread too.

I am an only child.
When mum remarried lovely SF, they sat me down and asked me how I'd feel about having a sibling.
I was horrified at the very idea.
Not all onlies are pining for a limelight stealer

My mother used to get regular comments about having 8 children - implications that she was a shagger, comments about being 'bog Irish'.
A large family was not really her choice but as a result of being brought up a catholic and married at 18 with no notion that life could be different.

Trying to work out which set of insults is more insulting is not, IMHO atall helpful becaus it again just permits one side to feel some sense of justification in their line of attack.

'yes but this set of insults is potentially, statistically more likely to be more hurtful' seems a rather sad wy to look at it. Why not just stop slagging off other peoples lives. They are always more complicated than our snapshot.

I was an only. People always said I was nice, but had an advanced vocabulary. I stopped wanting a sibling after I was four, to be honest.

I have two children and just watching them racing around, constantly ramping each other into odd games makes me feel exhausted! I am so glad that as a child, I got to go home after playing with other children and relax with restful things like reading. My children, of course, know nothing else but the constant stimulation of a sibling, so they're fine with it.

Everything has its upsides and downsides, and we learn to take pleasure in the particular positive experiences we can have.

The problem is, that the positives of one family type are frequently the negatives of another family type, so in celebrating one type, the corollary appears to be 'slagging' off another type.

Instead, I wish people would acknowledge that there are advantages and disadvantages to all types of family structures and these can all be compensated for, with mindful parenting.

e.g. Individual one-on-one time with a child to build their self-esteem - easy to achieve with an only child, takes effort in a larger family.

e.g. Teaching a child to share and to realise that the world doesn't revolve around them - easy to achieve in a larger family, takes effort in a one-child family.

Yes. I completely agree with that.

I do think though it actually is possible to celebrate ones own situation without slagging off. But people seldom make the effort. And others are quick to see offence where none was intended.
The 'bratty kids squabbling' can easily be phrased as 'the friction that can frequently arise between siblings' for example.

I think it is becoming more common to have just one. The mums I talk too, a lot of them say they are sticking to just the one child.

People with more than 2 kids get judged too so really you cannot win with SOME people.

I struggle with threads about only children. I always knew I wanted two, but since DS arrived I just know that I can never do this again

I don't have family help, DH incredibly busy, DS was screamy, awful baby for the first year. It nearly killed me.
I don't ever want to do it again, but on the other hand I am incredibly close to my brother and the thought of DS being alone breaks my heart.

Rock and a hard place. Reading the threads makes it worse!

DD1 was an only child for 6 years. She was very quiet and withdrawn in school and subject to bullying quite often.

When I told her teacher I was pregnant she kept going on about how good that would be for DD1 not to be the sole focus of my life and to have to adapt to the needs of a sibling. I was

It turned out that DD1's social difficulties were the result of her having Asperger's Syndrome and nothing to do with being an only child. I took great pleasure in pointing that out to this teacher some years later.

Pagwatch
I do think though it actually is possible to celebrate ones own situation without slagging off

Of course it is. But you have to actually want to only celebrate your own situation without slagging off! People don't make the effort, because they don't want to. They are intentionally criticising other possible arrangements, in order to elevate their own.

Tilly, unwilling to give the benefit of the doubt.

I have effectively got two only children!

One is 19 the other is 2! The story of a failed marriage!

I am one of two but see my sibling about 3 times a year,
Spent no time with them when we were kids (4 yr age gap) and really don't see any benefit to me of having a sibling. We are civil to each other but so different and have little in common.

A mate of mine has 3 lads 14, 12 and 11. They fight all the time and he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown with it all!

I don't see what all the fuss is about.

Ok Tilly. But that was actually my point.