To ask, if you hated being an only child, could your parents have made it better for you?

[LalaLeona]

Hi there, first time poster here. I am mum to an only child, dd7, and after reading the previous thread about only children I am feeling (albeit probably irrationally as this is a sore point for me) really anxious about my DD's childhood and future..just wondered if any of the unhappy onlies out there could give me some tips on how to be a good parent to my only. I do have a Dsd of 20 but she lives with her mother and is at uni. Her and DD have a great relationship but probably only see each other once or twice a month..i make a big effort to see cousins even though they are quite far away, and DD has plenty of friends round, but I wish I could do more. I had severe PND with my DD for the first year, and left it a long time to have another. My partner is 48 and we simply can't afford another, so DD7 will definitely be an only at home. Any advice on how I could improve our situation would be greatly received. Sorry if this sounds rambling. Thanks so much!

I have one older sister by two years. We never got on, we were never encouraged to. Now at 39/41 we barely speak and live on opposite sides of the world and far from our parents.

DS is an only (hellish birth). He is 2.3, goes to nursery four hours a day five days a week. Has a cousin in the same town the same age and we try and get them together as much as possible., 2-3 times a week. Cousin is shy, DS is all guns blazing and they play with each other really nicely - talk about each other constantly, from the moment they wake up!

Embrace the child you have, nurture, don't spoil - as with any number of children.

Oh, and DH is one of 6, he eats REALLY quickly (there'd be fights over sausages and heaven forbid you looked away when you were eating - gone sausage!). He is quite happy with our little family.

The fact you are worried about it is good, shows you care, but don't worry too much and let that rub off on.your DD

Exit here is the other link

JapaneseMargaret is right. I think I have to resolve my own issues about it first. I think I had, then a thread like this comes along and for a moment, I feel as if I have made the biggest mistake of my life.

Looking at pros of having a sibling, they are definitely advantages, but nothing life-changing, IYSWIM. And elderly parents, not feeling alone later in life, shared memories- they all make me go . How can they be the sole reason to have another child?

I am and an only and I'm pretty sure my parents had the same fears. I had a fantastic childhood and was very happy. like others have said know I am an adult I do sometimes wish I had siblings but it doesn't bother me too much. One thing that does help is that we stayed in the same place my whole childhood so now I have grow Dr who I have known almost my whole life so lots of shared childhood memories.

Friends not grow Dr
dont know what happen there

Its just pot luck. Some kids like being an only, some hate it. Some love their siblings and some can't stand theirs!

Fwiw I am an only and growing up I hated it and was v.jealous of the other children who had siblings. The one thing that helped me was I had a cousin who I was extremely close too (basically like a sister) and other cousins similar age.

When I met my partner I suddenly realised that I wasn't so unlucky after all, He doesn't have a great relationship with either of his brothers (similar age) and theres a big age gap between him and sister which made it a bit difficult. Not so much now though :)

My mum also has 4 siblings and no contact with any. A couple are actually vile, honestly siblings are not the be all and end all as I grew to find out.

I have come to terms happily now I am older. I have my own family my own child and somehow having a sibling seems so much less important than it did in childhood. The only issue I have now is I will never be an auntie, which I will just have to get over eventually.

I was a miracle baby after a still born, I was suspected to also be another still born so I know it wasn't realistic for my mum to have another child. I don't resent my parents at all and I had a fantastic childhood.

Along as she does have other children to play with it won't matter whether they're brothers, sisters, friends etc.

Your dd will be fine but its really nice that you're thinking about ways to make her feel better about only childhood. I don't think you have anything to worry about, she may love it, it does have its perks!

DH is ann only, he hated it ( mil has fertility problems and she did try)

He was also bullied in school, so didn't have many friends.

I find that people are unnecessarily and vocally judgmental when it comes to one child families. You would get your head ripped off if you said anything negative about families with 2 kids or 3 or god forbid 4 or more around these parts. But somehow only children are fair game.

There are just as many that are (insert only child stereotype of your choice here: spoiled, lonely, weird, clingy, etc) in multiple child families as there as in families with just one.

The criticisms all stem from insecurity, tbh.

As long as your child is happy, don't worry about it.

Signed, an only child who is a morher to only DS (6)

Not quite the same situation as DD has a younger brother (3) from her dads relationship.

She sees him often as she is very close to her dad. She loves her little brother but whenever she comes home after a weekend at her dads, she breathes a sigh of relief.

She said she loves the peace and quiet here

We regularly have a friend or two for A sleep over, she goes to her friends for tea or sleepover. She does 3 activities a week so she can mix with other children.

When she's with us on our weekends, we always do things like movie and fajita nights or games nights.
She has our complete attention.

Everyone comments on her being such a happy, contented child.

Don't worry so much about it OP.

I sympathise OP. I have an only, and would have loved another, but I think you have to remember all childhoods are different. The siblings, or lack of them is just one element. I have a sister, and we get on well, but as children we moved around a lot, so had to make new friends each time. I sometimes wish I had friends that I had grown up with, and hopefully DD will have that. If your DD seems happy, then all is well, you just need to believe that.

I've just had a look at the other thread mentioned, and the question specifically asks if people feel negative about being an only child, so its not surprising it has been answered by lots of people who feel that way.

I was an only and as a child, I remember thinking how I never had to fight for my parents' attention the way my cousins did. I also still recall the feeling of just the three of us as a very close family unit, and I could see my cousins noticing this closeness I had with my parents and being jealous of it (as they had to share their parents). My cousins (who I use to spend summer holidays with at the grandparents' house) were also always fighting with one another, which made me very glad to be an only.

As an adult, I'm also very comfortable and secure in my own company and I don't get bored.

Thank you everyone for your positive feedback..I think the fact that I dwell on the negative stories more than the positive sides says a lot about me as a person right now and perhaps I am being defeatist about it all, presuming the worse for the future. I really do try my best, Dd is in Lots of clubs regularly has friends over, and has friends to sleep over too. Even though I am not the most sociable of people naturally, I force myself to get out there and make friends with other parents so we can all hang out together. Also, the age gap between her and her half sister is 13 years, but we try to meet up at key events like birthdays and christmas etc so they will have shared memories. Hopefully they will become good friends as they grow older and the age gap matters less. Thank you everyone, and if hope those of us who worry about our onlies can let our demons go, although easier said than done!

(I'm not an only child, my mother was, so this is her advice):

As you dd gets older make sure you develop/maintain a life/interests/friends of your own, so she doesn't feel that you just sit by the phone waiting for her to call.

If it helps, there are 12 years b/w my half sister and myself. We were always fond of each other in a big sister very little sister kind of way, even though we saw each other relatively infrequently, but since our 30s/40s have become very close

I wouldn't worry at all. Aren't only children in the majority nowadays anyway? It certainly seems to be the norm

My mum was an only and she admits she was lonely as a child but she has an fantastic relationship with her mum and dad and I never heard her complain. My mum went on to create a big family herself (has 4 kids) so when the day comes my grandparents do sadly die, we will all be there for each other.

My dd may be an only and I feel as long as she has loving parents there's not much wrong with that. A lot of people are having one child now anyway so I don't get why it's still looked down on by so many people?

I am an only and was keen not to have an only child myself, however due to health issues and age, we only have one DC - DS age 7, who constantly asks for an older brother or a dog - sadly neither of which are likely to happen.

I invite other DCs round quite a lot, also we live on a cul de sac and DS has a pal that he plays with on the street very often - in a way it's almost better than having a sibling as they rarely fight.

My parents were pretty good about having other DCs over, they would also get a friend to come on holiday with us so I would have company, which I liked and when DS is older we'll do the same.

My DS 4 is an only and as I'm coming up to 42 he is staying as an only now.

I do worry a lot about how it will be for him as an adult only child with older parents but at the same time I can't change this now. I try hard to make ours a strong family of 3 and that is perfect for us.

I hope he will be close to his 2 cousins around his age and with social media etc nowadays it will be much easier for him to be in touch with them all the time if he wants when he's older.

And as for having older parents, my mum was 25 when I was born and died at 45 when I was 20. My DH parents were 37 and 42 when he was born and they're both going strong in their 80s. You just don't know how life will turn out.

I was a happy only. My parents deliberately chose to live in a street with lots of families so I always had people to play with. They also made a big effort for me to see my cousins even though they lived a long way away. As a teenager it was important to me that my mum had her own life. We were and are very close but I it was just the two of us so I think it might have been a bit claustrophobic and I might have felt too responsible for her happiness had she not had a job, social life etc

You are creating problems that don't exist.

I am an only and I always saw it as a rather pro aligned position to be in.

I don't know any other only children who give two hoots about it.

I am always a bit bemused by threads like this.

You ask what you could do to make things better? Lighten up.

I was one of 6, and have an only. I worry about it too, but mainly only when planning holidays, when ds would love to have someone else to play with. However, he is not the type to make the first move with other kids, so, if he makes friends on holiday it has to be led by the other child, so it can be hit or miss. I have become very good at making friends with parents!
I purposely live very near his school, with lots of other children from his school on the same road, and within a few streets away.
He has a good pal a few doors away, who is also an only, and they are starting to be able to go and knock for each other to see if the other wants to come and play (age 7).
I try and keep in good contact with cousins, and, most of all, I have always played with ds, so he has me as a sort of sibling as well as a mum (cue bickering over who gets to be Ben 10 !)
I have known some great people who were onlies-really themselves in every way. True eccentrics sometimes, but also (contrary to popular myth) really generous, and kind. My favourite ex boyfriend was an only, and he is one of the best people I know.
Another ex boyfriend set the bar for me in terms of a being a son raised by a single mother. He has a great relationship with his mum, and is a great husband to his wife. He is one of those rare men I have met who genuinely likes and respects women.
Ds would love a sibling tbh, because most of his friends have them, but I don't think he is lonely. He has a ton of friends, and is also amazing at entertaining himself, really imaginative, a voracious reader and a talented artist (non-stealth boast)
The only reason I would like more dc, is because my one dc is so fab!
You are doing all the right things OP. Chillax (as ds would say)

I'm an only. I was lonely sometimes as a child BUT I did have an immensely close relationship with my parents as a result, developed an amazing imagination, and did incredibly well academically - I don't think I would have done anywhere near as well if I hadn't been an only child.

The downsides....minor ones is that sibling relationships are a mystery to me, I have 2 DCs, and spent their early years getting very upset when they fought (because I somewhat naively expected they should just love each other!), and I struggle with the amount of noise they make (having grown up spending a lot of time on my own, in silence with my own thoughts).

A more major one is that my parents both died when I was in my early 20s (my grandparents having died when I was a child) leaving me very much alone. No-one else remembers stuff about my childhood, can tell me what I was like - beyond what I recall myself - as a small child. That shared history is something I very much miss, especially as I get older.

Oh OP avoid the bloody only child threads. People are weird about it but remember as a rule of thumb those who are negative about other people's lives are normally insecure about there own. Have a look at some of the wedding threads if you want a taste of when siblings go bad.
And I hate the term 'only' I have one child not 'only one' I recommend stop using this negative terminology. And I'm glad I can afford to spend more on my child and have more spare cash than if I had more children. And my child will have a good inheritance. And before anyone says money isn't everything, no but it's jolly nice and not having money worries definitely contributes to a happy home life.
I've got 5 Siblings by the way, it's nice to have a big family but it's really not the holy grail of happiness.

Amen to that.

I used to relate to the thing about having siblings as an adult-it is nice when another person can roll their eyes and say ?"well you know how mum is".
However, now we are all 30's /40's we are all in such different places, with different responsibilities, and I am the only one living near mum. Our relationship has never been great, but I will be the one looking after her in old age. I was the one who nursed my dad through illness and death.

I also never say "I only have one" I say " I have one child" I remember an article recently by a woman who had one child, and she considered herself "half a mother". Well, I don't. I didn't "half" give birth, and I don't "half" raise a child. We get what we get. It's what you do with that that counts.
I consider myself blessed to have a child. Some of my closest friends may never get to be a mother, which puts it into perspective for me.