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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL Problems

36 replies

Mummywummy2014 · 13/03/2014 14:26

I always got on great with my MIL until me and my DP moved in together. After a couple of weeks we invited his parents round. Everything was going well then I went to the bathroom and realised she had rearranged everything to where she obviously thought it looked best. I was shocked but bit my tongue and just moved everything back and no more was said. 1month later I discovered I was expecting DS. She was very happy and excited about this which was lovely. Unfortunately we were no longer to afford our house so had to move in with her until we could get a cheaper one. She started buying everything for the baby (not telling me until after she had already bought them). About 3 months before DS was due my DP told her that I was going baby shopping with my mum to which I was told I couldn't do that as she already had everything and I should just take her food shopping instead. I ignored here and snuck out of the house before she was up and bought all my own baby things with my mum. Again nothing else was said about it. DP and me then decided we would move to my parents house for baby coming as there would be more space. Unfortunately he chose to tell his mother this when she had a drink so was not too pleased about it. (My parents live 1 minutes walk from her house so not far away) the next weekend she was drinking again and told me that she wanted DS to love her more than he would love me!! We eventually loved out and I gave birth to DS by emergency c section with general anaesthetic so was unconscious for birth which really upset me as I didn't get to see DS when he was 1st born. MIL would come to my parents house to visit and would bring down a bag of clothes she had bought for DS. All of which were from charity shops (I am not a snob and have no problem with 2nd but so feel there needs to be a line drawn e.g 2nd bottles
And bedding! Which she had bought also) she said she had washed all of the clothes so the next day I went to put on a pair of baby jeans which looked new only to find that practically the whole of the inside was covered in dried up diarreohah (not sure of correct spelling). Needles to say these went straight in the bin and I have not looked in they bag again. Next things was when DS was 3weels old she TOLD me that the following week she was taking him to her work to show him off. I told her no she wasn't as we had only just got out of hospital the week before and he wasn't going anywhere without me. She looked quite upset by this and did not speak to me again that night. When she left DP said I was being selfish but I stood my ground and a few weeks later agreed she could take but was to bring him straight back. DS is now 8 weeks old and we have just got a new house. I have dreamed of having my own house for years and had planned exactly how I wanted each room to look. MIL however has decided that she would be in charge of the bathroom and has bought everything you could have in a bathroom all in shocking pink. (Not saying there is anything wrong with this colour but not to my taste and not what I had planned. Now she has got everything for the bathroom (most of which is not needed and just dirt collectors that I will have to clean) she has started on the rest of the house. Our living room is pretty small so we have only just managed to fit in our 2 couches, dining table, crib and tv without it looking too cluttered however she has told me that every month she gets paid she is going to buy us something else for the house which is very nice of her but we have everything we need and there is no more room. I can't stand clutter. Apart from that she will everything that is her taste and not ask our opinion. I did try to tell her that we had everything we need but she wouldn't take no for an answer. Yesterday I was having a cleaning day and trying to make dinner and lunch for DP to take to work the next day. I had to take DS to a hospital appoinent in the morning so was rushing to get this all done before DP came home. She text me asking if she could come for a visit (i had also seem her the past 2 days before this so not really any need for her to be here again) I didn't text bAck right away as was cooking dinner and sorting washing and within 10 mins she was behind me. I said I was busy but she just said oh ill just have a coffee (which I had to make for her) them stayed for an hour! When DP came home I asked him to tell her not to buy is anything
Else for he house as we don't need anything and it will just be more to clean. He then said it looked as if he was going to have to do this when he comes home from work as I hadn't bothered. After hearing that I lost it and said if his mother would Piss off then maybe I would get the cleaning done. He said I was
Being a stuck up bitch and we didn't talk again and he slept on the couch. I have asked him a few times in the past to tell her to back off a bit but he always just says I am an ungrateful bitch. I do appreciate the things she is doing but wish she would just ask 1st and take no for an answer. I feelin like I have no control over what's going on in my own house and whenever I try and speak up I am the bad one.

AIBU??

Sorry for the big book

OP posts:

CookieLady · 13/03/2014 14:30

No, you're not being unreasonable. She's overstepping the mark. Don't cave and allow her to continue as it will only get worse. Good luck.

CailinDana · 13/03/2014 14:30

Your MIL is a pain but your so called partner isan unbelievable arsehole. Get rid of him and then you won't have to deal with his mother anymore.

pomdereplay · 13/03/2014 14:33

Partner's the real problem here, not your MIL. If he was willing to stand with you and speak to her about her outrageous behaviour, she'd soon have to wind her neck in. Instead he's bitching at you about the cleaning. Nice.

HypodeemicNerdle · 13/03/2014 14:37

Bloody hell she sounds overbearing. Your DP needs to understand that he needs to back you up. I'd be refusing her 'kind' gifts, or selling them to fund something you do like. You do need to put your foot down and quickly or it will get worse. I hope you've got someone in RL who is supporting you as having a new baby is hard enough without MIL shit too

Clutterbugsmum · 13/03/2014 14:38

Move back to your parents with your baby and let him fester in his mother 2nd home by himself.

Hopefully he will come to his senses about who is more important to him, him mother or the mother of his child and baby.

vj32 · 13/03/2014 14:38

My MIL does quite a few of the things you describe - she buys lots of baby and house things for us, not all of which I would have chosen myself. BUT, and I think this is the point - she always asks (although usually after buying!) and is not offended if we don't want something. She just likes being useful and that shows itself in buying things she thinks we need.

I think you owe your MIL a lot for housing you when you had nowhere to live but that doesn't mean you have to cave in to everything she wants. I also think you need to have a good talk with your DP because ultimately he has to be the one to deal with his mother, or at least be supporting you 100%.

pumpkinsweetie · 13/03/2014 14:47

She sounds very very overbearing!
It's one thing her helping out, but that shouldn't give her the rights to own your soul & completely take over your life.

My mil seemed nice at first but unfortunately it turned out many years later there was a lot more to the il clan than met the eye. Moving out showed me the reality which were Toxic parents and ils through and through. Needless to say I and dc have been happily non contact for well over a year and dh for nearly 6 months now after realising they are bad news and impacting our relationship also.

Cerisier · 13/03/2014 14:51

He calls you a bitch . On what planet is that civilised behaviour? He is the problem here not MIL.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 14:54

I think your mil and my mil maybe sisters.

You have to bite the bullet and regain some distance from her. Start locking your front door so she can't just walk in.

Anything she buys you, don't except or leave in the bag but that applies to everything . She will soon get the message.

I could have wrote your post. My mil is like that dp. When I first met mil, she told me that she would always be number one in his life. She was wrong.

You dp also has a role to play in this. He is enabling her to behave like this and ultimately there will have to be a choice made, you or her.

Dp and I went through this when I was 8months pregnant as both of them assumed she would be present at the birth. I basically said, he could leave if he wanted as I wasn't going to live my life being undermined by her OR him. He choose me.

Things are better BUT she still has her moments.

op you have to look long n to the future and see want it holds under the status quo and set your stall out accordingly .

Also be very wary of your ds around this woman as she will see her self more important n his life than you are.

Dp speaking to you like that is not on. If that's his normal attitude towards you, I'd be thinking of getting the hell away from them both

starfishmummy · 13/03/2014 14:57

Your dp needs to tell his Mum to back off and to mean it.
As for the stuff you could accept it and bin/donate what you don't want. Or hand it back.

LadyBeagleEyes · 13/03/2014 14:59

Is it extreme MIL day today or something?
This is the third thread I've read about outrageous MILs.

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/03/2014 15:11

Your DP calls you a "bitch"? It isn't really your MIL you have a problem with.

LoonvanBoon · 13/03/2014 15:18

Your MIL sounds awful, OP, but your partner is much worse, because he's the one who's meant to love & support you. Instead he's verbally abusive, bullying & controlling; & seems to enjoy ganging up on you with his mum.

This must be horrible for you. Can you move back to your parents with DS? I doubt either your MIL or DP is suddenly going to change, & you don't stand any chance of setting boundaries with her because you have zero support from him.

bubblegoose · 13/03/2014 15:29

Your partner called you a stuck up bitch? I don't think your MIL is the problem here.

My MIL is also overbearing, but she doesn't bother us (much) as my DH is firmly on my side.

SlimJiminy · 13/03/2014 15:47

She's being SO overbearing!! It's great that she was kind enough to offer you a home when you needed it, but now it's like you feel that you owe her because she did that. I'm assuming that you expressed your gratitude appropriately at the time? She doesn't now get to dictate your lives. There's no way I'd have a hot pink bathroom just because it was to MIL's taste!

Some outrageous MILs people have a way of dressing manipulative/controlling behaviour up as generosity and it sounds like she's one of them. She's a control freak and she wants to make her mark on your home/lives to prove that she's still calling the shots. Sell anything you don't like and use the money to buy stuff you do like - and if/when she comments on it, just explain that what you have now is more to your taste.

As for your OH - he is SO MUCH more unreasonable than his mother!!! He should be sticking up for you. I'd let him make his bed and fucking lie in it after the cleaning comment. Yes you fucking will have to do the cleaning as I was busy entertaining your mother. Show him to the cupboard under the sink and go and pour yourself a large glass of red and put your feet up. He is being very, VERY unreasonable!!

You need to address this now before it gets worse. If he won't support you, then leave the bastard speak to MIL directly. Not in the heat of the moment, just a calm chat about why it makes you feel uncomfortable - you know she's only trying to help, etc but you want to make your mark on the house / don't need anything else to clean on top of everything else, etc.

NOTE: Your OH doesn't see the stuff she buys as extra clutter/cleaning because he's not the one tidying/cleaning it!!

honeythewitch · 13/03/2014 16:21

I think your mother in law is keen to help and enjoys your company and would probably be horrified to know that she has upset you so badly.
It is obvious that she means well, so just (repeatedly) explain that although you are very grateful for everything, you need to decide things for yourself and make your own choices.
hopefully her over-excitement will wear off eventually.
you dont have to have anything or anyone you don't want to in your home, so just keep gently refusing.
you have done fabulously well to avoid falling out with her, and you have shown outstanding patience. (Above and beyond duty)

I think you would find it easier to grit your teeth and smile and nod if your husband was supportive.
I understand that it is upsetting for him to have his mother disliked and criticised but it is no excuse to speaking to you like that!

Cleartheclutter · 13/03/2014 16:25

What does your DP think? Does he like the shocking pink bathroom?

Cleartheclutter · 13/03/2014 16:26

Your DP sounds a hell of a lot worse than your MIL

HannerHet · 13/03/2014 16:52

YANBU at all, you need to get DP to tell her to back off

ChasedByBees · 13/03/2014 17:15

God, the pair of them sound horrendous.

missingwelliesinsd · 13/03/2014 18:01

Ugh, she sounds awful to have to deal with regularly and your DP isn't any use (or very nice apparently).

What is it with MILs and the lack of common sense or respect for boundaries? I read somewhere that the urge to reproduce is actually stronger for grandparents than parents themselves, maybe that's why all these MILs lose all sense of reason when the GCs come on the scene.

honeythewitch · 13/03/2014 18:53

missingwelliesinsd, I can only assume that they go bonkers with delight or something, because it strikes otherwise normal and nice people.
I hope I can manage to restrain myself when the time comes!

hamptoncourt · 13/03/2014 19:00

As PP have said, the problem here is your DP, not your MIL.

Explain to him that if he cannot stand up to his mummy then he can move back in with her permanently.

Mummys Boys! Yuck yuck yuck!!!

Landoni112 · 13/03/2014 19:08

Like hamptoncourt said.

missingwelliesinsd · 13/03/2014 20:51

Honeythewitch, yes I've seen this happen to really laid back people too. My own mother is DESPERATE for me to have children (I'm trying...!) but honestly, she never seemed to enjoy being a mother to me and my brother. I actually had a rather tense relationship with her throughout my childhood and teens because I could tell she didn't seem to like me much, and I'd figured this out by the time I was 5 years old. We're better now but it strikes me as so strange that she is grand-baby mad given how little joy she got out of being my parent.

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