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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL Problems

36 replies

Mummywummy2014 · 13/03/2014 14:26

I always got on great with my MIL until me and my DP moved in together. After a couple of weeks we invited his parents round. Everything was going well then I went to the bathroom and realised she had rearranged everything to where she obviously thought it looked best. I was shocked but bit my tongue and just moved everything back and no more was said. 1month later I discovered I was expecting DS. She was very happy and excited about this which was lovely. Unfortunately we were no longer to afford our house so had to move in with her until we could get a cheaper one. She started buying everything for the baby (not telling me until after she had already bought them). About 3 months before DS was due my DP told her that I was going baby shopping with my mum to which I was told I couldn't do that as she already had everything and I should just take her food shopping instead. I ignored here and snuck out of the house before she was up and bought all my own baby things with my mum. Again nothing else was said about it. DP and me then decided we would move to my parents house for baby coming as there would be more space. Unfortunately he chose to tell his mother this when she had a drink so was not too pleased about it. (My parents live 1 minutes walk from her house so not far away) the next weekend she was drinking again and told me that she wanted DS to love her more than he would love me!! We eventually loved out and I gave birth to DS by emergency c section with general anaesthetic so was unconscious for birth which really upset me as I didn't get to see DS when he was 1st born. MIL would come to my parents house to visit and would bring down a bag of clothes she had bought for DS. All of which were from charity shops (I am not a snob and have no problem with 2nd but so feel there needs to be a line drawn e.g 2nd bottles
And bedding! Which she had bought also) she said she had washed all of the clothes so the next day I went to put on a pair of baby jeans which looked new only to find that practically the whole of the inside was covered in dried up diarreohah (not sure of correct spelling). Needles to say these went straight in the bin and I have not looked in they bag again. Next things was when DS was 3weels old she TOLD me that the following week she was taking him to her work to show him off. I told her no she wasn't as we had only just got out of hospital the week before and he wasn't going anywhere without me. She looked quite upset by this and did not speak to me again that night. When she left DP said I was being selfish but I stood my ground and a few weeks later agreed she could take but was to bring him straight back. DS is now 8 weeks old and we have just got a new house. I have dreamed of having my own house for years and had planned exactly how I wanted each room to look. MIL however has decided that she would be in charge of the bathroom and has bought everything you could have in a bathroom all in shocking pink. (Not saying there is anything wrong with this colour but not to my taste and not what I had planned. Now she has got everything for the bathroom (most of which is not needed and just dirt collectors that I will have to clean) she has started on the rest of the house. Our living room is pretty small so we have only just managed to fit in our 2 couches, dining table, crib and tv without it looking too cluttered however she has told me that every month she gets paid she is going to buy us something else for the house which is very nice of her but we have everything we need and there is no more room. I can't stand clutter. Apart from that she will everything that is her taste and not ask our opinion. I did try to tell her that we had everything we need but she wouldn't take no for an answer. Yesterday I was having a cleaning day and trying to make dinner and lunch for DP to take to work the next day. I had to take DS to a hospital appoinent in the morning so was rushing to get this all done before DP came home. She text me asking if she could come for a visit (i had also seem her the past 2 days before this so not really any need for her to be here again) I didn't text bAck right away as was cooking dinner and sorting washing and within 10 mins she was behind me. I said I was busy but she just said oh ill just have a coffee (which I had to make for her) them stayed for an hour! When DP came home I asked him to tell her not to buy is anything
Else for he house as we don't need anything and it will just be more to clean. He then said it looked as if he was going to have to do this when he comes home from work as I hadn't bothered. After hearing that I lost it and said if his mother would Piss off then maybe I would get the cleaning done. He said I was
Being a stuck up bitch and we didn't talk again and he slept on the couch. I have asked him a few times in the past to tell her to back off a bit but he always just says I am an ungrateful bitch. I do appreciate the things she is doing but wish she would just ask 1st and take no for an answer. I feelin like I have no control over what's going on in my own house and whenever I try and speak up I am the bad one.

AIBU??

Sorry for the big book

OP posts:
Odaat · 13/03/2014 21:09

This all sounds familiar OP. My MIL does all this buying stuff and not taking no for an answer malarky. It first it seemed generous... As I am sure some of it was her being so, however over time I have realised she is very manipulative and uses er gifts etc as a way to manipulate (ie by throwin it back in our face that she bought us this and that in arguments- we didn't want / ask her to!) it was all so she could stay in the centre of our lives and feel needed by dh - as she had no life of her own so would over bear in ours. Its all resulted in a big fight whereby dh finally stuck up for me properly. Mil's are bloody nightmares !!

Odaat · 13/03/2014 21:12

I would get your dh to sit down with you and explain exactly how you feel and why- calmly (no expletives to describe his mum haha) if you come from a place of genuine sadness as opposed to anger and shouting about her, he may be more receptive to listen. I am not saying he is in the right btw for not listening to you anyway and being so unwilling to, i just think try this way. It works for me.

ohfourfoxache · 13/03/2014 21:31

You don't have a mil problem, you have a DP problem Sad

Yanbu at all. You might want to get this moved to relationships for more long term support Thanks

kentishgirl · 14/03/2014 07:48

I'm more concerned about the fact that your 'DP' thinks it's ok to call you a bitch.

Meerka · 14/03/2014 08:08

ye, the mother in law is the minor problem. Its your partner is the big one.

Mummywummy2014 · 14/03/2014 17:26

Thank u for all ur responses. After DPs comments I was starting to question whether I am in the wrong but obviously I am not. For anybody that says DP is the problem I understand however the only time he ever speaks to me like this is when I have tried to talk to him about MIL he is usually the perfect DP.

Of course I appreciate that she did us a huge favour letting us stay with her however we did pay £100 per week. We weren't in the house all day as were working and when we were in the house we would stay in our bedroom. I helped her with cleanin. Did mine and DPs own ironing. Gave her lifts to and from work and for food shopping (which was a whole days task as she would need to go to 4 different supermarkets and spend 2 hours in each one). Also went out to the shops for her whenever she needed something. I did all this until I was 8 and a half months pregnant so think I have paid my debt to her for this.

OP posts:
Mummywummy2014 · 14/03/2014 17:29

But yes he should be at least willing to listen to how I feel and stand up for me as I know if my own mother was upsetting him in anyway I wouldn't hesitate in saying something to her.

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 14/03/2014 17:58

Freud really missed the boat on this, there has to be a name for this complex where a woman's fantasy becomes to be effectively her son's wife and mother to his children. Is MiL single? Is that some of the problem?

'Bitch'......? Hmm Even if he is triggered by any conflict around his mother, that's not ok.

Cleartheclutter · 14/03/2014 18:33

he is usually the perfect DP

This perfect DP is one who calls you a stuck up bitch when you want to discuss your MIL

Yes absolutely perfect Hmm

LimeLelloLizard · 14/03/2014 18:43

YANBU x1000

I'm in a rush but just to say I hope you get some support here. AIBU can be brutal and your post sounds as if you might need some time to gently unpick all this.

Your MIL sounds massively overbearing and you need to get control of your life back.

LimeLelloLizard · 14/03/2014 18:44

Yes you're right rumble, I've often see this described on MN. Very odd.

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