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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bad mum for feeling like this.....

33 replies

OnMyJones · 13/03/2014 07:23

I love my 4 month old daughter and I wouldn't change her for the world but sometimes I feel like I wasn't cut out for having a child. I find it hard dealing with the fact that I'm never going to have a lie in again, never going to be careless again and pop out here or there and that sort of thing. Some days I feel like I'm not responsible enough to be making all these choices and decisions for my daughter, it all is a bit overwhelming. I love her and as I said I would not change having her I just sometimes think that I'm never going to have my old life again and I sort of miss it, is that really awful to say?
I have a supportive partner, family are useless but I manage well really as she is fairly straightforward to look after.

OP posts:
FobblyWoof · 13/03/2014 07:26

If it makes you a bad mum, then we're all bad mums Smile

I just have to keep reminding myself that one day I will get a lie in without it being pre-planned. It might be when they're 18 but I will!

It does get easier. I found the 4-7 month age really hard.

Dolallytats · 13/03/2014 07:39

It's normal to feel that way. I have a 20yr old, 5yr old and a 7 month old. Just yesterday I had a 'Oh my God, who let me be responsible for children' moment!!

It does go away-just popping back every now and then. The first few months are hard, but you will stop feeling like that Smile

NMFP · 13/03/2014 08:28

Everyone feels like that sometimes!

shewhowines · 13/03/2014 08:31

There is no reason why you can't really love your new life but miss parts of your old life. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't.

Emubaby · 13/03/2014 08:31

You're not a bad mum, you're a perfectly normal mum! It is very overwhelming. I'm sure you're doing great!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/03/2014 08:34

It's not an awful thing to say, things do get skated over when people anticipate a baby, the reality isn't always what it's cracked up to be. But you adapt and cope and if you have a supportive partner and a place to vent, it doesn't overwhelm you.

gimcrack · 13/03/2014 08:35

Four months is a hard time. It will start to get easier, particularly when your little one starts talking. And when going out just involves saying 'go and have a wee and pht your shoes on', rather than organising everything. Then when you pop out on your own, you miss their company.

Nocomet · 13/03/2014 08:38

If your a bad mum then so am I for loving having teens.

At long last you don't have to bother if you or DH are about to look after them. They have keys, they have phones. Every sodding day no longer has to be planned with military precision.

Some do because we live in the sticks and I still do a fair bit of taxi driving, but it's still vastly better.

Gen35 · 13/03/2014 08:38

I found it hard to come to terms with that exactly, also have no family help, but you will eventually get lie ins again, they do have sleepovers and school trips and things, the small dc phase is really hard. I almost didn't have a second because of the unrelenting nature of small dc but dd is 3 now, she sleeps well, she has nursery and things look very different. Hang in there, it does get better!

TheBody · 13/03/2014 08:38

you will definatly have a lie in again op, this time of them being little lasts the blink of an eye. go with the flow, you are doing fine, you are normal, just try to enjoy.

WooWooOwl · 13/03/2014 08:39

You will get lie ins again and you will get your life and identity back. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I remember feeling exactly the same and I've come out the other side now my dc are older, like we all do. You are not alone!

Abra1d · 13/03/2014 08:41

When they get older they sometimes can be very helpful. They empty dishwashers and put on laundry and cook meals and walk dogs and stay in for parcels. Daughters will kindly tell you that you can't go out dressed like that and save you from yourself.

TheBookofRuth · 13/03/2014 08:46

We all feel like that sometimes. I remember when DD was about 6 months popping out to get some milk (DD was with DH), and thinking "I could just keep walking..." I didn't of course, but she'd given me such a hard time of it that it was very tempting!

Gen35 · 13/03/2014 09:15

And the weird free feeling you have when you are out the house without dc and all their bits and bobs...perhaps you need to look into a few mornings at nursery for the baby op? I did that, it was fabulous.

gordyslovesheep · 13/03/2014 09:18

yanbu - you are being perfectly normal - I spent the first year worried I'd made some dreadful mistake!

oh and you will get your lie in's back - mine even make me cups of tea in bed now!

crispyporkbelly · 13/03/2014 09:23

As others have said - 4 months is a hard time. They don't 'do' much and it seems endless.

It is a big adjustment, give yourself time.

No, your life won't be the same but it can be better - lovely holidays with your dd on the beach, visits to the park, going to museums, picnics etc etc you can still be spontaneous!

Be kind to yourself, it's going to get better soon

juneau · 13/03/2014 09:26

Totally normal - I feel like this too. And you will get a lie in again. Mine are six and nearly three and they often get up and go downstairs together at the weekends - they play and DH and I get to sleep in. I slept until 8.20am on Sunday!!!

You life has changed irrevocably - that is undeniable - but the things you revelled in as an unencumbered adult will be yours again. Just not maybe for a little while. But they will.

AnathemaDevice · 13/03/2014 09:29

I remember 4 months being utterly miserable. I didn't enjoy the baby stage, I was permanently exhausted and was constantly rowing with DH.

Once babies get to about 8/9 months it starts to get better-they become more fun and you start to get more back from them. If I could have given birth to an 8 month old each time then I would have done, happily!

My lot are 4, 3 and 13 months now, and I'm beginning to feel like I'm getting my life back a little bit. I still don't get lie ins, but I can now see a future beyond nappies and night feeds. Though, saying that, I still wish that they had a pause button so I could switch them off and have a break every now and again.

tiggytape · 13/03/2014 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imip · 13/03/2014 10:11

It's also a feeling I now get in my 40s. I'm never going to look as young again. I associate it with age more know than kids.

CountDooku · 13/03/2014 10:21

I feel the same and I have a 5 and a 3 year old. I still have periods where I think I am not good enough for this and where I miss just being able to do things without planning. I wouldn't change them for the world and love them too much to really comprehend, but I just find it hard. The elder child is at school and the younger ones starts preschool on his 15 hours soon, so that should give some breathing space to gather myself.

You are definitely not alone in how you feel! You sound like you're doing great!

DomesticSlobbess · 13/03/2014 10:25

OP, your feelings are completely normal.

I felt like this too. I wouldn't have given DS up for anything, but there were moments where I would miss duvet days watching movies on the sofa on my day off, the freedom to go out when I felt like it, the sleep! But as everyone else has said, it gets easier!

DS is 3. He sleeps 12 hours a night, he goes and gets his shoes and coat before we go out, he pops to the loo himself. Once they start becoming more independent it gets so much easier. 4 months is a difficult stage so I do feel for you OP. It's almost feels like you're waiting for the next stage, the sitting up, the weaning etc, when things start to get going. The baby stage is hard!

oldwomaninashoe · 13/03/2014 10:35

Op they are little for such a short time (the first year races away) just relax a bit, your life isn't over just a bit different.
When Ds ! was about 4 months old I made a list of all the things I could still do with a baby in tow-(I visited museums and art galleries etc took him on the train to central london and went shopping) You just have to plan a bit more.
Embrace and enjoy your new life, you are not a bad mother just an honest one!

ThornOfCamorr · 13/03/2014 10:39

It will get better. Never the same but as most people say you do regain parts of your old life back.

fideline · 13/03/2014 10:41

FWIW I think the loss of freedom of movement that comes with having a child is a really difficult thing to adjust to. It is one of the unpleasant side effects of the nuclear family.

It isn't forever though.

And no, you are not a bad mum.