teens at 18 what to do about curfews and the envitable drug problem

[delia63]

My eldest dd has just turned 18 and seems to spend quite abit of the time telling me her mother that she is now an adult and that she do what she likes. I try without fuelling an arguement if I can to tell her that despite being 18 she is still living w us and her younger sister so needs to abide by house rules including telling us where she is and coming home when she says rather than 3 hours later sometimes like last weekend coming in at 6.00am. I feel abit at sea with it all not quite knowing the rules at this age as she is older enough to vote, have concentual sex get married etc but it still very young in some ways. She has always been abit rebellious but at younger age have been able to impose sanctions such as grounding her for unreasonable behaviour but feel she is beyond grounding now what do others do
leavecthem to it or impose sanctions if they don't come home etc when they say.

We seem to go up and down with it but there are times when she seems very rude and unreasonable this was the case on her 18th birthday following a heavy night of partying probably smoking some dope into the equation. I couldn't reason with her and she looked miserable all day she said it was because I was being horriblec to her (I was also v tired as been up from 3-6am texting her intermitantly to find out where she was etc) I thought itvwas more than that but couldn't exactly put my finger on it (we have had another episode recently) sye always vents her anger at me rather her father who takes a much more laid back approach (which I find difficult to do in these situations) I am worriec she is smoking cannibus on a more regular basis than shecis admitting to us. I know she smokes roll ups and have had a few times when she has behaved quite strangely and last weekend I found a small stash in her room but have not confronted her about this as don't want her to shut the door and not tell me anything. We had a candid conversation about her drugs and she admitted she did smoke weed as sheclikes the affectvof being high but does notbdo ketataine which seems popular at present. I feel rather naive as I expect she has been smoking thecdope fof much longervthan we realise. Any advise about of the concerns raised would be v helpful

1. On the staying out point, explain that it is only polite to let people know your plans so they don't worry. Adults do this for each other. Dh and I text each other and my friends who share flats with friends do too.

1. On the smoking and the weed. If she is receiving pocket money you could dock it. No reason you should have to pay for it. Or have an adult conversation with her about the risks. Do you have any trusted 20 or 30 somethings in your family circle who could talk to her about it?

Mine is 19, he was at collage until just before he turned 18 and now he has an apprentiship. Gradually from about 15 hes had more freedom. He didnt start staying out until he was about 18. All i ask is that he texts if hes not coming home.

While he was at collage we had a curfew on school nights. I cant imagen giving him one at 18 though, hes a bloody adult. If he cant get up for work/collage or get his work done at this age he never will. Its his responsibility.

I cook as theres 6 of us in the house, if he doesnt want it someone else will snaffle it up.

Drugs, we had some problems at 14 that we delt with. Hes well aware of our thoughts on the subject and the problems that can accure if you take drugs, again he is hopefully old enough to make sensible choices

My DS moved out at 17 to live in a shared flat with friends. Two years later he's still there working and supporting himself. What I have noticed when he pops back occasionally for a visit is that he voluntarily does stuff around the house; dishes, hovering, etc., without being asked. Since he's had to pay rent (no ifs or buts here, rent HAS to be paid in full on time) and other bills, shop for food, cook, laundry, get himself up for work, use public transport (no parent taxi service lol) he now appreciates what we did for him when he lived at home (and it still surprises me when I get home from work and see a hoovered carpet AND stairs he knows I hate hoovering the stairs lol.

I wonder, OP, if this is part of the problem for you and your DD. She takes everything you do for her for granted and doesn't appreciate it fully. She's not mentally made the move from child to adult behaviour, I think it can take time.

I must admit that when my DS comes home for a visit and goes out on the town with friends, I don't have any rules about him letting me know when he will be home. Sometimes he stays over with friends and comes back in the morning, I personally don't mind one way or the other. He's lived away from home for two years pleasing himself about what he does in his own home and I do trust his judgement.

However OP, you comments about drug use do concern me and if I suspected that drugs were a part of my son's life I would be very worried. This has always been a zero tolerance thing for me (and my kids know this) and I would be adamant that it not come into my home.

Some other posters have suggested that you both have a chat in a calm adult way, so maybe go out for coffee and discuss what you both want from this new adult relationship while she's still living at home. I do hope that you can come to an agreement together. How would you treat any other adult who came to live in your home? Would you expect them to tell you where they were going and when they would come home?

Best of luck anyway.

My SIL told her DD (my DN) at around that age that there were not "rules" as such but that being an adult meant she had to act towards other adult members of the household in the same way they act to each other. So, for example, if BIL is going to be out late, he lets SIL know (and vice versa). Similarly, DN should let SIL and BIL know if she is going to be out late, and if DD was interested in their movements they would be happy also to let her know what time they would be back if out etc to stop her worrying. Also, all adult members of the household are expected to contribute to the running of the house (contribution could take different forms). Generally, she presented it to DD in a way that made clear that being an adult did not mean complete freedom to do what you want when you live in a house with other adults. This seemed to largely work for my DN.

I would expect a text if they were staying out later than expected or if they were staying out. I quite often get up in a morning to a "staying out babes" text and tbh I think that is enough.
No one smokes in this house so there has never had to be a discussion about it but visitors smoke outside here regardless of whose friend it is.
Once mine were eighteen there were no rules as such more a "we all live here so let's try not to piss each other off" It seems to work as we, as a rule, get on very well and there are no real dramas.

I have a ds of 19 (presently on a gap year abroad). From about 16 he was going out at weekends, ie, Fri and Sat and in the week in the holidays. He had to keep in touch that wasn't negotiable. When he had a rough patch of not complying I called his friends and had to follow through on a threat to the call the police. By the time he was 18 it wasn't a problem because the boundaries were always crystal clear.

Drugs - No. Zero tolerance here and yes there have been huge rows about the pros and cons but it has always been made clear that if he participates all allowances stop. If he brought drugs into this house I would have no hesitation in calling the police. I don't think he has - if he has not on my watch.

This is all very interesting. I think I'm going to try and chill a bit about my non texting DD. To be honest, I felt on massively shaky ground with the grounding. There would be nowhere for us to go if she had refused to be grounded.

I have noticed that lots of you with a more laid back approach seem to be referring to your DSs. I have a 20 year old DS and I never really stressed if he forgot to let us know if he was coming home. Sadly I think it is a worrying about daughter thing for me. And also knowing that my daughter, while totally lovely, is daft as a brush and up for anything twice over.

I agree with usual. I am 27 and can't imagine my parents ever trying to ground me at age 18.

I would also worry about losing her if she is 18 and in with a bad crowd and you continue to treat her as a child. She could just move out and doss with her friends etc. An agreement as mutually respectful adults is a better way to go I think.

But, but in 2 months, she'll leave school, and could disappear off. I just don't get sanctions for 18 year olds, I really don't. As long as she keeps in touch by text, does it matter what time she gets in?

I have sons but also a dd aged 20. I don't differentiate between them and of late it's dd who stays out more than ds tbh.

My DD had moved out and had her own flat at 18. So I had no say in what she did

I am waiting for looking forward too that day, usual

Yeah but DS is 21 and still at home.

I think he will be here till he's 30. I've shown him a house that's up to let across the road

My dd and ds are a bit younger so we haven't reached the stage of staying out really late, but it's definitely something to build up gradually. And I absolutely cannot imagine expecting them to give me a 'home time' once they are 18.

Interesting point about the gender thing... When mine are out its probably ds I tend to worry about more; just seems as though the chances of trouble are more likely with young men than women. Fortunately mine are both pretty sensible but in the news it's more often men than women who run into trouble on a night out

She's not a lodger or a flatmate, though, she's extending her child-like arrangement by living at home as a child so treating her as an adult in other respects seems inappropriate. It's a gradual shift.
I agree you need to have a conversation with her, but about new rights versus new responsibilities (and she should definitely have some of these!) - not like you'd have with a roommate (she's not your roommate), but recognising that you are also preparing her to be out on her own.

A bit of weed at 18 is hardly scream the house down time is it? Most people who smoke weed on a recreationally during the weekend don't have a drugs problem. So all this bollocks about taking them to visit a drugs rehab clinic or a substance misuse clinic is way OTT. It would be like seeing your 18 year old in a pub with a pint and then frogmatching them to an AA clinic.

She should be polite and text you to say where she is if she isn't coming back til late, but recreational smoking of insignificant amounts of weed can be just a normal part of teenager life, not the precursor to lying facedown in a pool of vomit, needle in a vein.

It's illegal and therefore risks DH losing the job that keeps the roof over our heads.

A bit of weed at 18 is hardly scream the house down time is it?

Would have been in my house, I'm afraid.

As to those on about curfews - I must have missed those posts. Mine had to tell me what time they expected to be home, or if they weren't coming home. I never gave them a time.

It seemed to work.