teens at 18 what to do about curfews and the envitable drug problem

[delia63]

My eldest dd has just turned 18 and seems to spend quite abit of the time telling me her mother that she is now an adult and that she do what she likes. I try without fuelling an arguement if I can to tell her that despite being 18 she is still living w us and her younger sister so needs to abide by house rules including telling us where she is and coming home when she says rather than 3 hours later sometimes like last weekend coming in at 6.00am. I feel abit at sea with it all not quite knowing the rules at this age as she is older enough to vote, have concentual sex get married etc but it still very young in some ways. She has always been abit rebellious but at younger age have been able to impose sanctions such as grounding her for unreasonable behaviour but feel she is beyond grounding now what do others do
leavecthem to it or impose sanctions if they don't come home etc when they say.

We seem to go up and down with it but there are times when she seems very rude and unreasonable this was the case on her 18th birthday following a heavy night of partying probably smoking some dope into the equation. I couldn't reason with her and she looked miserable all day she said it was because I was being horriblec to her (I was also v tired as been up from 3-6am texting her intermitantly to find out where she was etc) I thought itvwas more than that but couldn't exactly put my finger on it (we have had another episode recently) sye always vents her anger at me rather her father who takes a much more laid back approach (which I find difficult to do in these situations) I am worriec she is smoking cannibus on a more regular basis than shecis admitting to us. I know she smokes roll ups and have had a few times when she has behaved quite strangely and last weekend I found a small stash in her room but have not confronted her about this as don't want her to shut the door and not tell me anything. We had a candid conversation about her drugs and she admitted she did smoke weed as sheclikes the affectvof being high but does notbdo ketataine which seems popular at present. I feel rather naive as I expect she has been smoking thecdope fof much longervthan we realise. Any advise about of the concerns raised would be v helpful

oh well yes if she has not finished school/A levels then fine - after that am not so sure.

I wouldn't ground an 18 year old.

A text to say I'm staying out was all I asked for. I didn't expect to know where they were all the time at 18.

"With rights come responsibilities" is an overused phrase in my house currently. Eldest DD has also just turned 18 and we've had a fair few convos similar to the OP.

We have a few ground rules such as:

• if you're not coming home, tell me by 11pm then I will actually get some sleep.
• No boyfriend sleeping over unless I'm convinced it's a reasonably committed r/ship, if you want a ONS do it elsewhere.
• you know about drugs, we've talked about them, and booze. Please be sensible and if you won't be sensible, be safe, c/f sex.
• whilst you live under my roof, and I pay the bills, you abide by the main rule of the house: Respect each other. Everything flows from that.
• if you don't like my rule(s) feel free to leave home, get a job, put a roof over your head and pay your way in life.

She's 18, she's not a child anymore. Basically I want her to stay at college, go to Uni and have a good life. But I respect the fact that, legally and in society's eyes, she's an adult.

I have an 18yo dd.

All I ask is that she lets us know whether she is coming home or not, so I don't awake with a start at 5am to find her not in her bed. She sends a text no matter how late it is.

I don't cook for her any longer as she is sometimes home for meals, sometimes not. She tends to cook for herself and her sibling.

The drugs thing ? I hope she isn't into it. I have seen no evidence and would not allow it under my roof but after that I make my views known and then leave it with her.

Parenting teens is very hard, you have my sympathies.

I agree that while she is living under your roof, it's reasonable to expect her to behave with consideration and respect for the rest of the family. There is excellent advice on here about how the detail of that should pan out

As a bit of an aside though, this thread highlights how essential it is for parents to see responsibility and independence as a gradual pathway. I shudder when I see posts on the teenagers board from parents seriously asking 'should I let my 17 yr old go to a festival ' or 'my 16 yr old wants to go to a party '... You have to remember that at 18 they really can make their own decisions so better to prepare them for that

I really don't agree with the idea that at 18 you can start removing privileges.

Maybe it depends on the personality of the individual, but if I said to my DCs at 18 no TV or pocket money, they would laugh in my face, mainly because they earn some of their own money but also at that age they've got friends who are independent or without any supervision, and they just wouldn't come home. At that point, what do I do, engage in a battle of wills which will result in them being away from home even more and causing lots of bad feeling.

I think it's far better to bite your tongue a bit, have the long chats and try to be positive and set up a positive relationship. If that isn't working then I'd go with things like asking for rent, locking the door at a certain time if they are indoors or not. At that age you don't have much to bargain with, I wouldn't want to get into a habit of removing things, because once they're 17, 19 and older there is less and less you can remove, but your left with a poor relationship and no way of having your rules obeyed.

I also can't see how a teenager can run rings around you when your only real requirement is go to school or work and send me 1-2 texts per day. Its only when lots of arbitrary rules start being put in place do the battles and games commence.

sure she can do what she likes, if she pays for it. If you are paying, you pay for what you think she should have.

shelter, food, education, clothing as needed, internet access when you say.

the rest is luxury and she has that when she can pays. Including the saddo substances.

BTW ketamine is animal anaesthetic and can be fatal to humans. She may be behaving like a sheep, but she isn't one and might one to think about that.

ground them, really?

Well maybe not ground her, but if we're talking about a girl living at home and doing her A levels and therefore living off me and relying on me for pocket money, I would certainly be curtailing her freedom via money and privileges if she couldn't follow a few basic rules such as being in by a certain time or letting me know where she was.

I wouldn't expect an 18 year old to be in by a certain time.

It is great to have these mutually respectful, treating them as adults, relationships. But what about if they do not text or phone? What do you do then?

My DD has a part time job and pays her own way, gets about using public transport. There's not a lot we can do really, by way of sanctions.

Moomin, I'm not some hippy with the attitude that we should hug it out and all be well. Up until they are adults I'm what has often been called on mn a 'mean mummy'. I just realise as older teens I can't infantilise them anymore.

I have been instilling in my kids that they need to text me an keep in contact since they were young teens, I would presume most people nowadays do this. I've also been using FindMyIphone/Blackberry Finder type apps since they came out to keep a track on the younger ones.

My DC are in the habit of texting me to let me know, so its very rare if it doesn't happen. Part of our arrangement is that I want to hear if they're in for tea or staying out past midnight, if I don't hear, I assume they won't be there for tea or that its acceptable for me to go to bed and put the chain on the door at midnight.

They know this, so they know if they haven't told me to leave it off, the chain will be on, and they can't get in, so they make arrangements to stay at a friends or I think one time one of them slept in their car. I think realistically if they had nowhere to go they would wake me up and I'd let them in, but they'd then have lots of making up to do.

So generally if they don't let me know, the punishment of no dinner cooked for them or not being able to get indoors happens naturally, I don't need to impose other sanctions. I will normally discuss it with them and remind them how disrespectful it is not to contact me but this really happens so rarely its not an issue. I suppose my response to any bad behaviour at that age could be described as a thorough bollocking, which seems to shame them into doing better.

Yes, I agree you can't give a curfew to an adult. Fair enough to have agreed ground rules for living under your roof eg: if you ask for a meal to be cooked then turn up on time etc. And totally agree about not having any undesirables in the house, no smoking in the house etc. but I don't see why you would want to put a time limit on nights out.. Surely that's up to them

I guess if the disrespectful behaviour continued despite your reasonable requests then you have to be prepared to ask them to find alternative accommodation and follow it through

I think you can stop the 'My house My rules' bollocks for a start.

Do people really say that to their teenagers?

I may not use those terms, usual, but the meaning is the same, tbh

It sounds like you need to get her to respect you - that won't happen by being easy-going on her bad behaviour. It's absolutely acceptable for you to have ground rules, in fact as parents it's your job to provide the best home environment which you are able to for your children to flourish. Hopefully you can get your husband on the same page, and work together on this.

Drugs are not inevitable, and they are not a stage of growing up. They're illegal, and your daughter although surely a lovely girl, is a criminal. That's not my opinion, it's a fact. Who's she buying the drugs from? Where is the money coming from? How is she doing at school? Is she on course to be qualified for a good career she wants to be in? Your younger children will be watching this with interest, and this is your opportunity to show them how to behave too.

I suggest taking her to a drugs advisory center or volunteering at a free meals center. She will see the consequences of drug use on people's lives. It's a scare tactic, but if she carries on, it could be her reality. Consider bringing your younger children if they're an appropriate age. If you give her pocket money, make her work for it - reward chores, etc. If she's working, steer her away from bar work etc where there is alcohol.

Hope I don't sound like too much of a prude! 18 is a difficult age, and your daughter needs your guidance.

she's far too old to be acting this prattishly op.

she needed to learn cooperation, tact and consideration years ago.

however she's now an adult so you need to tell her age either asides by the rules or she's out in her arse.

next time she tells you she's an adult just agree and tell her yes and as such you are no longer responsible for providing her with a home/food.

my older ones are back home temporarily and they are twenties, they text if not home. it's respect.

She won't respect you if you treat her like a child either or dictate what sort of job she can do.

it doesn't really matter that she is now 18. She lives in your house I assume without paying rent or utilities or any sort of contribution towards the weekly food shop. Your house, your rules. If she wants to be treated like an adult she should act like one: contribute to the house hold, show common respect for her house mates (you) and not keep you up most of the night worrying about where she is.

When I was living at home at 18 if I was going out my folks expected to know when I'd be back and that I would stick to it. If I didn't then the perks of living at home were rebuked i.e. use of a car.

This thread has reminded me. The most effective thing I ever said to my DC1 as an 18 year old who had just exhibited some appalling behaviour, was not that I wanted to kick him out of home but that his behaviour made me want to leave home, because I couldn't live somewhere that worked so hard for and be disrespected in such a way. I told him that should this behaviour continue he could explain to the rest of the family why I wanted to leave.

Seemed to really hit home for him.

But why as a parent would you want to insist an 18 year old comes home at a particular time? That's the bit I don't get. I understand the need for house rules about meals, tidying up, having friends round and I can even understand not putting up with an 18 yr old arriving home in the early hours and disturbing everyone.

But so long as they let themselves in quietly and are respectful to other family members, why on earth would you insist on a 'home time' for an 18 year old? I'm genuinely confused.

My ds is 19 and at uni but I found it was a gradual thing just trusting him and if he was going to stay out all night at a mates for example then I expected a text. He is home a lot and will be back friday for 2 weeks and will be out at clubs etc and have mates here and they do what they like tbh.

That's the bit I don't get.
Why would you want them in at a certain time?

Janey/Usual is that about my posts? I don't think I've said that anywhere but I'm not sure if I'm being misinterpreted.